She has reiterated that she is not comfortable with either person being dominant.
What she does not recognise is that even though she is not overtly dominiant in a bdsm sexual way she is effectively very controlling.
One way she is controlling is in regard to the calendar. Her calendar is always full of comitments. She has control of that and of course her calendar is my calendar so my life is in many ways controlled by her.
The second effect of this is that she does not have the time to be intimate. Now this would be the case even if I did not allow my calendar to effectively be dictated by her.
The second thing is to me the crux of the problem. Having a full calendar or being busy is not in its self a bad thing. She is smart and is never going to be a sit around and wait for something to happen person but at the same time once upon a time she could find time for me but now....
So it seems to me that even though I may use my kinky side as a motivation to be submissive, that will have to be realised in a way that is seen as setting the scene or getting the environment right for her.
candles in the bedroom type of thing.
I mused this morning as I had a bit of a sulk that when we were married we said some vows. Something like "To have and to hold..." Humm I wondered how does one hold someone who is not there to be held. But then I remembered a line from a song "love is a bridge that links our hearts. Keeping us close when we are apart"
Not sure what this post is actually saying.
She is busy.
I am sulking
I am still abstaining.
I don't think she really cares
I suspect if I gave up she would just see it as (confirmation) weakness on my part.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Morning cuddle
Alarm went off early
We cuddled.
Mindful of her desire for more cuddling and less overt sex I did not grope etc. Just hugged and some stroking of her back.
I was as hard as and my balls are aching.
Hopefull that will pass in a few days maybe.
Up and at the day.
I hope she enjoyed it and did not feel the need to perform.
We cuddled.
Mindful of her desire for more cuddling and less overt sex I did not grope etc. Just hugged and some stroking of her back.
I was as hard as and my balls are aching.
Hopefull that will pass in a few days maybe.
Up and at the day.
I hope she enjoyed it and did not feel the need to perform.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Hurting her
I am about on a week into my 40 day abstinance from orgasm during lent.
My recollection from previous periods of abstinance is that it is in the second and third weeks that I get a bit edgy.
And yesterday morning I expressed some frustration to my wife.
Bad move.
It made me feel bad and later on I discovered that it had made her really feel bad.
So at lunch time I asked if I could come home for lunch.
I said I was sorry and I asked her to discipline me with the cane.
We went into the bed room and I changed into my boxers. The reason I do this is that I want her to hit me hard and I suspect that if she saw marks she would stop. Our bed room is a bit small and so I knelt on hands and knees on the bed while she caned me. It hurt and part way through I collapsed down. I apologised to her. Got myself together and raised my bum to receive some more. When she was done I apologised again and she lay beside me and hugged me.
We had a discussion and there a number things that came out of this:
1) The first was that she had really felt hurt in the morning and that this had made her feel bad/inadequate all day.
2) The next thing that cae out of it was that hitting me makes her feel nearly as bad. It is very hard for her and she does not like it.
Bummer.
3) I felt that I really needed her to be strong and strict with me over the next few weeks.
So the difficulty I have is wanting to abstain but not really being strong enough to do it on my own.
She on the other hand I think feels
a) that abstaining is not a big deal.
b) That she just wants me to be happy and that I dont think she can rationalise that happyness comes from the struggle of abstinance.
c) I suspect she feels that there is something wrong with her and that I dont want to have sex with her.
So anyway we will see how we go.
Last night we did cuddle very affectionatly.
Part of my motivation to abstain is the challenge but another part is that I want to give her some room. Some space. But I notice that I have effectively demanded more physical (my love language) attention.
I am thinking I will suggest to her that we have some rules of behaviour. I like rules that are clearly defined.
I was going to suggest
1. That I not be allowed to ask for sex.
2. I not touch her in a overtly sexual way
3. That she agree to hug and kiss and touch for half an our each evening. This hugging not lead to orgasm on my part of course. The idea here is that with no expectation of orgasm then there will be no feeling of frustration on my part yet the physical time will speak my love language.
4. If she starts to get turned on then we will continue as long as she likes and if she cums then that is great. Obviously during this time, I would be touching her in a sexual way.
An interesting problem (I think) is that as far as I can see she actually wants me to lead in the bedroom. By lead I think she wants to be romanced. She wants me to make the effort to set the scene. Clean house, candles, kids in bed, kitchen clean etc.
So we see how we go
My recollection from previous periods of abstinance is that it is in the second and third weeks that I get a bit edgy.
And yesterday morning I expressed some frustration to my wife.
Bad move.
It made me feel bad and later on I discovered that it had made her really feel bad.
So at lunch time I asked if I could come home for lunch.
I said I was sorry and I asked her to discipline me with the cane.
We went into the bed room and I changed into my boxers. The reason I do this is that I want her to hit me hard and I suspect that if she saw marks she would stop. Our bed room is a bit small and so I knelt on hands and knees on the bed while she caned me. It hurt and part way through I collapsed down. I apologised to her. Got myself together and raised my bum to receive some more. When she was done I apologised again and she lay beside me and hugged me.
We had a discussion and there a number things that came out of this:
1) The first was that she had really felt hurt in the morning and that this had made her feel bad/inadequate all day.
2) The next thing that cae out of it was that hitting me makes her feel nearly as bad. It is very hard for her and she does not like it.
Bummer.
3) I felt that I really needed her to be strong and strict with me over the next few weeks.
So the difficulty I have is wanting to abstain but not really being strong enough to do it on my own.
She on the other hand I think feels
a) that abstaining is not a big deal.
b) That she just wants me to be happy and that I dont think she can rationalise that happyness comes from the struggle of abstinance.
c) I suspect she feels that there is something wrong with her and that I dont want to have sex with her.
So anyway we will see how we go.
Last night we did cuddle very affectionatly.
Part of my motivation to abstain is the challenge but another part is that I want to give her some room. Some space. But I notice that I have effectively demanded more physical (my love language) attention.
I am thinking I will suggest to her that we have some rules of behaviour. I like rules that are clearly defined.
I was going to suggest
1. That I not be allowed to ask for sex.
2. I not touch her in a overtly sexual way
3. That she agree to hug and kiss and touch for half an our each evening. This hugging not lead to orgasm on my part of course. The idea here is that with no expectation of orgasm then there will be no feeling of frustration on my part yet the physical time will speak my love language.
4. If she starts to get turned on then we will continue as long as she likes and if she cums then that is great. Obviously during this time, I would be touching her in a sexual way.
An interesting problem (I think) is that as far as I can see she actually wants me to lead in the bedroom. By lead I think she wants to be romanced. She wants me to make the effort to set the scene. Clean house, candles, kids in bed, kitchen clean etc.
So we see how we go
Saturday, February 16, 2013
actions love languages and what works
Oh what a night,
Readers may recall that I had felt a bit torn two ways on the night of Valentines day.
Well in bed last night a few topics discussed and a few activites that were really quite exciting.
The first was to do with pain and y wife said she was uncomfortable with the idea of inflicting pain on me. I pointed out that in the book she read recently that the submissive was aroused by pain. So I think that as we talked she got more OK with the idea that pain is not all bad.
We discussed her love languages
Acts of service and Words of affirmation.
She pointed out that negative words even said in jest cut deep and when I get moody & grumpy and list out her failings then that cuts deep. I agree with that. She teaches and recently she did something that anoyed the cleaner and the cleaner spoke to her about it. The cleaner also told the headmaster. Now everyone with perhaps the exception of the cleaner knew whatever it was was trivial and that the cleaner was making a big deal out of nothing. Anyway the headmaster had passed my wife in the corridor and had said and I believe jokingly "I hear you are in trouble with the cleaner". I think my wife's initial reaction was almost zapping back to her as a school girl and here is the head master telling he she is in trouble. Then of course her mature sensibiliyty kicked in. The point being that one of her love languages being words of encouragement meant that her instinctive reaction is based on the words said. So when I make a negative joke then her first reaction is negative. So I need to keep those sort of smart ass jokes to my self and only say positive things.
We lay in bed and she got physical with me. She dug her fingernails into my penis and that of course was painful but I liked it. It turned me on. Both the pain and it being my wife being physical with me. Then she pinched my nipples.
We discussed that in the book "diary of a submissive" the dominant fellow makes the girl put pairs of chopsticks on her breasts. I said we could try clothes pegs. Then I said "go and get them" Yes I know topping from the bottom. So she got up and went and got some wooden ones and plastic ones and she put a wood one and a plastic one on and asked which was better. That was fun.
Then we had a very interesting discussion. In the book "diary of a submissive" he the dom does all the work.
My wife said that she really appreciated tuesday night when I set up candles, massaged her with oil and let her go to sleep.
Now that seems to be a part of the WLM dynamic and that is that it is the sub male husband who has to do the detail of the work. And thats ok but good to recognise.
We went to sleep.
In the morning some more close physical activity with her getting me to rub her. I so wanted to cum. I was so turned on. I was taknful later that she had said that she did not want me inside her because she did not want to risk me cumming. She said maybe sunday.
We discussed giving me the cane but she said she wanted to do that at night so that I had time to get over it. Pity. smile.
So in conclusing
great physical activity.
She got to orgasm
I experienced some fun being submissive and some pain.
We both I think enjoyed it.
Readers may recall that I had felt a bit torn two ways on the night of Valentines day.
Well in bed last night a few topics discussed and a few activites that were really quite exciting.
The first was to do with pain and y wife said she was uncomfortable with the idea of inflicting pain on me. I pointed out that in the book she read recently that the submissive was aroused by pain. So I think that as we talked she got more OK with the idea that pain is not all bad.
We discussed her love languages
Acts of service and Words of affirmation.
She pointed out that negative words even said in jest cut deep and when I get moody & grumpy and list out her failings then that cuts deep. I agree with that. She teaches and recently she did something that anoyed the cleaner and the cleaner spoke to her about it. The cleaner also told the headmaster. Now everyone with perhaps the exception of the cleaner knew whatever it was was trivial and that the cleaner was making a big deal out of nothing. Anyway the headmaster had passed my wife in the corridor and had said and I believe jokingly "I hear you are in trouble with the cleaner". I think my wife's initial reaction was almost zapping back to her as a school girl and here is the head master telling he she is in trouble. Then of course her mature sensibiliyty kicked in. The point being that one of her love languages being words of encouragement meant that her instinctive reaction is based on the words said. So when I make a negative joke then her first reaction is negative. So I need to keep those sort of smart ass jokes to my self and only say positive things.
We lay in bed and she got physical with me. She dug her fingernails into my penis and that of course was painful but I liked it. It turned me on. Both the pain and it being my wife being physical with me. Then she pinched my nipples.
We discussed that in the book "diary of a submissive" the dominant fellow makes the girl put pairs of chopsticks on her breasts. I said we could try clothes pegs. Then I said "go and get them" Yes I know topping from the bottom. So she got up and went and got some wooden ones and plastic ones and she put a wood one and a plastic one on and asked which was better. That was fun.
Then we had a very interesting discussion. In the book "diary of a submissive" he the dom does all the work.
My wife said that she really appreciated tuesday night when I set up candles, massaged her with oil and let her go to sleep.
Now that seems to be a part of the WLM dynamic and that is that it is the sub male husband who has to do the detail of the work. And thats ok but good to recognise.
We went to sleep.
In the morning some more close physical activity with her getting me to rub her. I so wanted to cum. I was so turned on. I was taknful later that she had said that she did not want me inside her because she did not want to risk me cumming. She said maybe sunday.
We discussed giving me the cane but she said she wanted to do that at night so that I had time to get over it. Pity. smile.
So in conclusing
great physical activity.
She got to orgasm
I experienced some fun being submissive and some pain.
We both I think enjoyed it.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Valentines Day
Yesterday was valentines day.
Kids in bed.
I get some candles and light them and put them in our bed room.
She lay on her back naked on the bed and told me to get a washer and wipe her down.
I did this, returning to the bath room several times to wash the washer clean after doing parts of her body like feet.
All was looking good.
She lay down and I asked if she would like a massage. She said yes and rolled onto her tummy. Some massage oil and I rubbed her back and she went to sleep.
I got up.
Blew out the candles
Lay in bed.
I lay there thinking. On the one hand I had served her. On the other, apart from the requiremennt to wipe her down, there had been no dominant behaviour on her part.
I do confess to feeling a bit lonely, isolated....
No cuddling from her.
I dozed for a bit then got up and went to work.
It is hard to have a relationship with someone who goes to sleep whenever we get to bed.
Maybe I should just concentrate on the service I brought to her. That at least was fun.
Midday Update:
Had a chat to my wife. I feel much better now. She really enjoyed being able to just go to sleep. I tried to assure her that that was great for me. I wanted her to feel no pressure and that I get great satisfaction from her enjoyment.
She had texted me that she was concerned about me abstaining. I said that if she wanted me to orgasm I would but that what I was trying to do was give her space so that I could engage in intimate contact without the expectation of it leading to sex. She said that she would like to just hug and kiss and I said 'exactly'.
Kids in bed.
I get some candles and light them and put them in our bed room.
She lay on her back naked on the bed and told me to get a washer and wipe her down.
I did this, returning to the bath room several times to wash the washer clean after doing parts of her body like feet.
All was looking good.
She lay down and I asked if she would like a massage. She said yes and rolled onto her tummy. Some massage oil and I rubbed her back and she went to sleep.
I got up.
Blew out the candles
Lay in bed.
I lay there thinking. On the one hand I had served her. On the other, apart from the requiremennt to wipe her down, there had been no dominant behaviour on her part.
I do confess to feeling a bit lonely, isolated....
No cuddling from her.
I dozed for a bit then got up and went to work.
It is hard to have a relationship with someone who goes to sleep whenever we get to bed.
Maybe I should just concentrate on the service I brought to her. That at least was fun.
Midday Update:
Had a chat to my wife. I feel much better now. She really enjoyed being able to just go to sleep. I tried to assure her that that was great for me. I wanted her to feel no pressure and that I get great satisfaction from her enjoyment.
She had texted me that she was concerned about me abstaining. I said that if she wanted me to orgasm I would but that what I was trying to do was give her space so that I could engage in intimate contact without the expectation of it leading to sex. She said that she would like to just hug and kiss and I said 'exactly'.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Its valentines day - Ideas
In case anyone missed it, today is valentines day.
Anyone got any ideas.
It would be nice to suprise her with something more than flowers.
Don't be shy and don't worry about practicality or effort or money. Lets dream a little. What could I do?
Anyone got any ideas.
It would be nice to suprise her with something more than flowers.
Don't be shy and don't worry about practicality or effort or money. Lets dream a little. What could I do?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Abstaining for lent
Well Lent starts today (Wednesday).
I had raised the idea of abstaining from orgasm with my wife but had not received much response.
She did say what are you going to do instead, will you (me) use that time for prayer.
I have to smile when writing this because the general consensus is that guys tend to be wham bang thank you mam all over in under a minute. So trading orgasm for prayer would not be giving much time to God.
So initially I was somewhat disapointed that she did not do the dominatrix thing and insist on it.
I am going to try on my own and ask her to help and encourage me.
Doing it on my own requires a greater strength than doing it in her strength.
Maybe it will re energise me and maybe it will open space for her to express love.
I had raised the idea of abstaining from orgasm with my wife but had not received much response.
She did say what are you going to do instead, will you (me) use that time for prayer.
I have to smile when writing this because the general consensus is that guys tend to be wham bang thank you mam all over in under a minute. So trading orgasm for prayer would not be giving much time to God.
So initially I was somewhat disapointed that she did not do the dominatrix thing and insist on it.
I am going to try on my own and ask her to help and encourage me.
Doing it on my own requires a greater strength than doing it in her strength.
Maybe it will re energise me and maybe it will open space for her to express love.
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