Travelling

On holidays with our kids and another family and their kids. 

I have found this to be a great time to be submissive in terms of going with her schedule as she has organised where we are going and what we are seeing and so on and at the same time there are plenty of guy things to do.  From things that require strength like carrying suitcases & packing the car to physical things where the girls just want to sit and watch and guys like to do things.

I guess too because of the close confines there is not really the opportunity to have sex means that I do not get my expectations up and then get frustrated and disapointed when it does not happen.

At the same time, she has responded by stroking my penis and whispering in my ear about how this is a good time to hold off.  All words and attention I crave.

I have enjoyed making BBQs and getting kids through showers.  I had to smile self righteously (I confess) when our friends car ran out of fuel.  When we are travelling, we will stop for lunch and while the kids play in the park and my wife makes a picnic, I will go and fill up the fuel and check the oil and tyres.  And then later in the trip, in the middle of nowhere their car overheated and again I was able to do the guy thing and get them going.  But even in the middle of this, we needed water and I am wondering what to do and my wife gathered up all the water bottles and even picked up a few that had been littering the side of the road and climbed a gate and went to a local farm and filled them with water.  I joined her on this expedition and then roped all the kids into doing more trips until the radiator was filled and the engine running and off we went.  So a way for her to lead and me to follow and at the same time a way for the primitive guy in me to rise up and do its thing (fixing cars)

The difference between my subbing and the internet

Internally I have a deep desire to submit to my wife.  To do things for her.  To have her happy.  For her to reach orgasm.  For her to feel free and relaxed.

But and this is a big but,

She does not want .... is about as blunt as I can put it.  One difficulty I face is knowing what she does and does not want.

When I look on the net, it seems that (and maybe this is porn fantasy) that in any good relationship BOTH partners must put in a lot of effort.  Effort into the relationship.  The dominant partner needs to be dominant.  They need to demand of the sub and the sub needs them to demand this.

So maybe my wife is not naturally dominant.  Maybe, maybe not.  She is not naturally submissive either.

I think whe has lost interest.
I think when it comes to sex she is lazy.

I was turned on again this morning and asked if I could cum and she said "do you really want to".  She has not taken in when I have spoken about her being in charge.  Of course I wanted to cum.  But what I needed to hear was "no do not cum if you cum you will be punished".

She wants "equality" in the relationship she says.
So in having no real sexual drive herself she achieves equality by taking my drive away.

ugh

After feeling so calm & together yesterday, I got a bit wound up last night.

In the cool light of day it was so stupid.
All it was was my wife coming to bed late and spending her evening doing some work on the computer.  I simply felt jealous.  I wanted her attention.

I lost the focus which is serving her.
The silly thing is that I have been telling her how it turns me on to serve her and how I want her to take control, to lead, to feel free and when she does just that then not only do I feel jealous, I expressed it.

I so wish that she would punish me for that.  But she really is not into pysical pain and asking her to whip me is interreted by her as just another way to turn me on. 

So I do not know what to do.

In a way, I wish I had a mentor.  Like I have a personal trainer at the gym.  He pushes me to lift as much weight as I can and tells me to keep going.  He is very encouraging and even though I am totally exhausted during and after and also a day later my legs or arms hurt and feel like jelly I have a great feeling of acomplishment.

In the same way, I wish I had a personal trainer whom I would meet with say once a week.  I would report on my behaviour and then be rewarded by say some positive words or punished with a severe whipping or caning.  I am not looking for a sexual encounter here.  I guess people have mentors.  People go to all sorts of councillors and support groups.  I would think this would be just a little more honest and a little more physical.  I think it would be nice if the mentor was a woman of course and for her to meet with my wife too.  My wife my gain confidence or perhaps even request punishment for me that she herself can not bring herself to administer.

Perhaps the pressure is easing

Toward the end of last week I was aroused much of the time and constantly thinking about sex.

Over the weekend, it is as if my body has accepted chastity as the norm.  I did not feel the tension or internal sexual conflict in my mind between desparately wanting to cum and that the same time wanting to remain chaste.  Sunday evening was very enjoyable with church, getting kids into bed, cleaning up and then going to bed.  I got the feeling that my wife did not want sex and for some reason I did not as I indicted above feel too driven that way so we just lay in each others arms and drifted off to sleep.

I slept very well.  It appears that one of the kids (10yo) wet their bed in the night and my wife dealt with it without waking me.  That was nice but ofcourse in my desire to be a good submissive obedient husband, I would have wished she had woken me and told me to deal with it.  Mind you it was her decision to let the boy not wear pull ups to bed.

This morning, we woke and got on with the day and I feel great.  Alert and energetic but without the constant desire or wish for sex.  An interesting new frame of mind.

I recall sometime back that my wife expressed aprehension about my new found desire to abstain from orgasm and to concentrate on her.  She said that it was a new type of pressure on her.  A pressure to perform.  We both understood she had a lower libido but now she felt there was actually more pressure on her and the words she used were "to perform".

Now we had come from a background of the man being notionally in charge although in practice, she was the family leader but in the bedroom, she felt that it was her obligation or duty to have sex with me whenever I wanted it.  Most of the time she did not reach orgasm.  It sounds like it was no big deal to her.  Open her legs for her husband.  In he goes and then he is relaxed.

So in thinking about this, I am hopeful that perhaps we can move to a new level where my desparation for sex is less obvious and so she feels less oblication, less pressure.  Perhaps out of this, we will have a more intimate relationship.  Perhaps less sex.  Perhaps the feelings of pressure to perform will go and then when she does have sex, she will really enjoy it. 

I wonder how that will progress and manifest it'self?

I suspect it will come through more self confidence with both of us. Me having the self confidence to exist without orgasm (read ejaculation here) because I do get really great satisfaction out of seeing her satisfies.  Perhaps my selfconfidence will increase as I tame to beast. It seems silly to me that I could abstain from masturbation as a teenager when my hormones were racing but now as an adult I can't.  I suspect it is an addiction.  A set of mental habits.  The habit of regular sex.  Controlled by the addiction rather than in control of my actions.

Feedback welcome of course.

Go and have a cold shower

I was so so turned on.
I woke early. 
Starting rubbing myself against the sheets.
This woke my wife.
It was 5am
I said "I am so turned on"
She said "Go and have a cold shower"
So I, not wanting to disobey, got up went and turned on the shower.  Cold water only.
Took off my clothes.
Took a deep breath.
Stepped in.  Ran around hopping in and out of the water.
Probably made all of 30 seconds.
Got out.
towled down
Put on my track suit.
And now I am writing this blog and she is sound asleep.

You can go another week can't you

I am so desparate.
Snuggled up to the wife early this morning.
Caressed her back and gently ran my hands over her bottom and her legs.  Feels so good.
She said "I am going to the toilet, put some lube on"
wow.
I am hard as
I take off my clothes and put the lube on.

She comes back in and lies on the bed with her legs apart.
This reminds me of when we were first married.  We were (and still are) active christians.  We believed in the submission of the wife and actually used to practice her submission.  I would say on your back, legs apart and she would do that and I would have sex with her.
So I was a little concerned that she had slipped into a "just doing my duty" mind set.

I say are you sure and she says yes and so I start to push in ever so gently.
I am sliding in and out very gently and I ask "Can I cum" and she says "how long since you came" and I said "several weeks" and she said "do you think you could go another week?" and I said "yes" and she said well that is your answer.

So I knew she was not just "doing her duty" which was great.
She then rolled us over so she was on top.
She moved and I moved and a few times, I had to hold still because I was in danger of cumming.
Then she came and lay back relaxed on me.
I asked again "could I cum".  I was I have to confess glad that she said "no!".

She has a Marina (Not sure if I have spelt that right) it is an IUD birth control device.  It is being removed today and she will be without protection for a minimum of 3 weeks. 

She said it would be too messy for the doctor to remove if I came.
Wow.
and a minimum of 3 weeks before I will be allowed inside her.  Although maybe with a condom or two.

Then she pulled off, wiped herself with an old nappy that we keep in the bed side draws and got up.
I got up too.
It's a tag team thing in the morning. Showering, breakfast, dressing, getting kids ready and off to school.

But what a great way to start the day and so much sexual tension.

Boys sexualise everything

Nothing happening in the sexual department.

I did washing up and wiping down.
I put kids to bed.
and so on.
and all the while I am thinking about my wife.
Yes I am trying to be helpful.  A very useful husband.
I am also wishing for a more intimate relationship.
I am wishing that she was more sexual.
Maybe she is bored with me - dont go there I just get depressed.

A final somewhat negative thought though.
What to do when I think she is wrong.
At the moment, I am taking the tack of say nothing.  Unless of course she is about to do something that will cause immediate death or injury or if she were to say start gambling the family bank acount away.  But sometimes she does things that I disagree with.  Right now I am saying nothing.  Does that make me dumb?  Who knows.

And that is that.

6 months

Last night she said we might try for 6 months.
I said wow that will be a challenge.
She then stroked my penis a bit and dug her nails in once and then said OK now sleep and do not disturb me.

In the morning I asked if she was really going to make me wait 6 months.
She said well see one day at a time.
I asked if she was going to take the lead and she said only in the bed room in the rest of our lives I want a partnership.

An interesting thought given that she basically already decides everything else in our lives.

But I am enjoying the physical intimacy at the moment.
And the challenge of remaining without cumming. 
Thats not to say I do not want sex.  I very much do want sex.  I want the intimacy.  The feeling that I have done something for her - brought her to climax.

Ouch

Last night (monday night) we hopped into bed.

I am conscious that she likes slow and not push so I was careful to not make it look like I wanted sex.  Offerred her a massage which she kindly accepted and rolled onto her tummy.  As she lay beside me, her hand conatcted my penis and she started to dig her nails in.

She talked (which I love) about how she just has to toch me and I am instantly hard and yet she takes ages of gentle interaction to get turned on.

Then she dug her fingernails in hard and it hurt.  I mean really hurt.  She asked if I liked it and I replied 'yes' 'it's a challenge and it stimulates' and in a way the good feelings remain afteward.  That is while you are doing it really hard it really hurts and I am focussed on surviving if that is the right word but then after there is a 'glow' for want of a better word.

She said roll onto your back.
I did and obviously the massaging stopped.
She gripped my penis and dug her fingernails in really really hard.  It hurt like hell.  I yelped a bit.
She said she did not know whether to keep going or stop.
I said 'never doubt always keep going'  (I doubt if anything she would do would cause perminant injury or death and I really would like her to warm to being a bit more confident / extreme).
So she did.
Even harder this time. 
She started at the tip and dug her finger nails in and then moved slowly down the shaft about a cm each time and repeating it.  Each time so painful.  Such a challenge.  Such a turn on.  When she got to the bottom she retraced her steps back to the tip.  Sometimes she would hit the same spot.  So tender so painful.

Why I ask myself do I like this.
Am I weird?
Why do I envy the people in stories who are caned?
In a way there is a freedom involved when you let someone you love inflict pain on you.  I do not think I have any desire to let some random person whip me.

Then she said.  "Thats it for tonight"
I was so turned on.
So wanting sex (read orgasm release here)
So liking her attention and not wanting to spoil it.
So I lay there and tried not to push it.
Fell asleep.
Ahhhhhhhh

silly fathers day low

Objectively fathers day was absolutely fanstastic.  Then why am I feeling a little down.  I had in my mind hoped that fathers day might bring a reward.  A reward in the form of an orgasm.  I had been trying really hard to be helful.

So we started the day with cuddling that turned into sex with her on top and she orgasmed and then lay there.  I went limp.  Could not believe it.  So anyway it was up and into the day.

She made a beautiful breakfast of all my favourites.
The kids had made presents and I had to hide and seek to find them.
Then we went on a drive and picnic in the country.
Back home and she made a beautiful dinner and I bathed the kids.
In bed and we snuggled and she stroked me and snuggled up and said "I hope you enjoyed the day and now your biggest present is a non present" and I asked what do you mean and she said "no sex for you".

So I guess its be careful what you hope for.

But still I am feeling a little down but I will get over it.
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