After feeling so calm & together yesterday, I got a bit wound up last night.
In the cool light of day it was so stupid.
All it was was my wife coming to bed late and spending her evening doing some work on the computer. I simply felt jealous. I wanted her attention.
I lost the focus which is serving her.
The silly thing is that I have been telling her how it turns me on to serve her and how I want her to take control, to lead, to feel free and when she does just that then not only do I feel jealous, I expressed it.
I so wish that she would punish me for that. But she really is not into pysical pain and asking her to whip me is interreted by her as just another way to turn me on.
So I do not know what to do.
In a way, I wish I had a mentor. Like I have a personal trainer at the gym. He pushes me to lift as much weight as I can and tells me to keep going. He is very encouraging and even though I am totally exhausted during and after and also a day later my legs or arms hurt and feel like jelly I have a great feeling of acomplishment.
In the same way, I wish I had a personal trainer whom I would meet with say once a week. I would report on my behaviour and then be rewarded by say some positive words or punished with a severe whipping or caning. I am not looking for a sexual encounter here. I guess people have mentors. People go to all sorts of councillors and support groups. I would think this would be just a little more honest and a little more physical. I think it would be nice if the mentor was a woman of course and for her to meet with my wife too. My wife my gain confidence or perhaps even request punishment for me that she herself can not bring herself to administer.
I wonder if you feel that you and your wife have made any progress since you started this change to your marriage?
ReplyDeleteHi MsNaydi,
ReplyDeleteProgress if any is slow.
Sadly I think my wife puts her energy into things other than our relationship. Yes she loves me but I think she has no understaning of kink. I think she has pretty low sex drive and at the same time gets reward & pleasure & self worth from other areas of her life.
HAve you two sat down and actually discussed and articulated what you need in order to feel loved and satisfied in your relationship? I think a quality check is warranted, as you seem so frustrated. Not as far as topping from the bottom, but as far as making sure she knows exactly what you need, and you understanding exactly what she needs.
ReplyDeleteHi MsNaydi,
ReplyDeleteYes and no.
Sat down and talked and discussed but I feel that she has not heard. I am sure she has heard but does not understand. We will have to discuss again. You are right I feel so frustrated and not in a sexual tease furstration type of way. Just plain oldfashioned frustration. :)