So nice to be of service

In bed early this morning while it is still dark and I confess I woke my wife by snuggling up to her.

She obviously could not get back to sleep.

I said "Why don't I lie on my tummy and you climb on top and rub on my bottom orgasm and then drift back to sleep".

She has done this a couple of times recently and cum.

She climbed on.
I asked how I could help and she said put your hands on my bottom.
I did that.  A bit hard actually as I have to get my hands round behind both of us.  But I love it and I love to feel where her skin meets her panties.
She came.
She said she imagined my hands down her front.
She rolled off.
We held hands and soon I could hear the regular breathing of someone who is asleep.
I lay still not wishing to wake her.
Felt so good.

Later got up.
Showered. she was still in bed sleeping.  I put my clothes out in the spare room the night before so I wont disturb her.
Went into the kitchen and cooked both of us scrambled eggs.

Unloaded, reloaded and ran the dishwasher. Ah you might say. Slacko should have cleaned up last night and not left any dishes for this morning and I agree but anyway that is not the point of this story.

Oldest child arrived in the kitchen. They are in a little selfish phase (imho). Anyway wife said "Isn't you father the best dishwasher he has done such a wonderful job this week so many times and so clean."

Nice to be noticed and even though my love language is physical words of encouragement are nice.

So here I am at work.  I feel great.  It is fun to be submissive.  It is nice that she gets enjoyment - both sexual and just normal (ie the kitchen).  I think we both go off into the day feeling good.

I am busy supporting her

Just got back from picking up child from sporting practice.

The wife is out with her friends.

I have my list of tasks
Feed child.  (The rest ate earlier.)
Clean up after dinner. Unpack, pack, run and unpack the dishwasher.
Wipe down tables.
Clean up kitchen.
Get kids through baths, homework, reading and bed time prayers.
I sexualise it.
I enjoy it.
I enjoy the time with the kids.  (That's not sexualised in case you need that clarification)

Fathers Day

This Sunday is Fathers Day.  Here in Australia anyway.

Now one might believe that Fathers Day means a day when dads get to choose but we know and have been conditioned to understand that Fathers Day means being totally available to be organised &  entertained by the wife and kids.  The important thing to realise that it is completely out of the fathers control.  He must come and go when called and directed.

In a femdom / wife lead environment it is an opportunity to shine.  To accept direction.  To accept that there is no such thing is my will or my time. 

I fantasise that Fathers Day would start with me waking early to put in extra effort on a list of tasks allocated by my wife.  Followed by making breakfast for the family.  Then taking them to whatever activities that they want to do with their father and lets face it kids love to do things with Dad.  Whether it be throwing a ball or reading.  The kids want it and I like doing things with them.  As the day draws to a close the kids are tucked into bed.  Stories read and prayers said. 

Then it is evening.  Just the wife and I.  As its fathers day, it is a day for extra effort.  An extra reminder of who is in charge.  Perhaps a whipping to remind me.  Something physical as I am a touchy feeling person and touch is my love language.  It would get the adrenalin going and help me overcome the weariness.  The more and harder she whipped the more I know she loves me.  In a way it really is a replacement for orgasm.  It is a love hate thing.  Both an expression of her love and reminder for failings on my part.  The fact that she takes the time and makes the effort.  Such love. 

Then onto the clean-up tasks.  Those mundane tasks that have to be done.  Dishes and kitchen.  She would sexualise it by supervising in a sexy outfit and  inspecting the result.  Perhaps a riding crop in her hands.  Perhaps she would sit and read a book.  Anyway Fathers day a day where fathers put in an extra effort.

Finally the tasks are almost complete.  The glass of water is beside her bed.  The bed is turned back.

We hug and kiss and perhaps there is some sexual tease.  A bit of touching and tease.  I am eager to help and she reaches orgasm.  I am satisfied I have supported her and worked hard for the family.  We hug and drift off to sleep. It has been a long hard day and I have come through.

Home and Work

I face a dilemma or conundrum or something.  I am sure those of you with a good grasp of the English language will be able to specify the word I have to use.

We have a person here at work who is a pain in the ass.  Actually a painful personality.

It is my duty to deal with them.

I think it would be so much nicer to abdicate that responsibility to someone else.

However I view submission as I guess knowing ones duty and where one sits on the [social] ladder.  The private in the army is submissive to the sergeant but the private still has to pull his trigger and kill the bad guys.  He is in submission but he is not weak (or her).

But it would be nice to not have to deal with this person.

The nice pain

Wow how things change.

Last night I decided to wear plastic pants to bed under my pjs.  A little baby oil in them to make them nice and slippery.

She is engaged.  We kiss and touch.  She puts her hands under my pj top and squeezes my nipple. A lot.  It hurt.  Then she did the other one.  One thing is nice that when she does one she always does the other.  Puts me in a sub head space.

I lay humping the mattress sounds so yuk when I say it like that.  She alternated between running her hands across and between my legs, feeling the plastic pants and putting her hands up my pj top and pinching my nipples.  It hurt. I asked if I was allowed to cum and she said yes.   I was fighting between the pain giving me a turn on and at the same time it seemed harder to cum.  Then I exploded.  Ahh so   relaxing.

Moodswings

A difficulty I have is that I tend to feel more motivated to post when I am feeling down.  Blowing off steam whatever.  So this blog is possibly disproportionately negative.

I wonder whether it is somehow a selfish thing - I don't get what I want.

Right  now I am feeling great.  But there is no sub thing going on.  At home its pretty much business as usual.

maybe I should philosophise....

I saw a fellow with a personal trainer this morning.  In the local park the council have installed various bars and steps and so on for the public to use for exercise.  Here was this big middle ages fellow.  By big I mean tall, solid.  Not fat but big.  he was sweating as he stepped up and down from a step and each time he stepped up he lifted his hands high in the air with a small dumb bell weight in each.  Boy was he sweating.  And standing near was a woman.  younger than him  Pony tail.  Sleeveless quilted jacket top.  Arms crossed across her chest.  Directing, supervising.  Being paid to make him work and work hard.
  Don't you love it.

I have a personal trainer too but he is a he.

I sometimes dream that it would be interesting to have a young female.  A bonus would be if she held a cane or switch thing like they use on horses with the little leather bit on the end. 

It could be win win win. 
I would work harder -> win  (get fitter, stronger, healthier)
I would get a smack from time to time from a beautiful girl -> win too.
In a way bizarre that not getting hit would be a motivator but there would be some titillation associated with being hit.  Probably not at the actual time but knowing it could happen and later basking in the memory of the pain.
And for the right girl, hopefully she would get a turn on associated with directing, encouraging, enforcing and hitting me.

ah but I fear only in my dreams.
:)

Feeling down and things just go from bad to worse

In the middle of the night I woke up feeling angry.  Stuff goes round and round in my head.

Issues where at home she has undermined me.  OK so take charge.  I will just do as she asks or says.  But then she does not want to be overtly in charge.  I just do not know which way to jump.

Then today at work, I miss a important meeting with a client. 

Did not check my calendar.

F***%$I@#

You know when things are going bad they seem to keep going bad.

The challenge for me is how to pull up and climb.

The difficulty I feel is not knowing whether I am the pilot, the co-pilot, the stewardess or the ground crew or a passenger or not even on the plane.

Take care of your own sexual needs

We have been going to see a marriage councillor.

She the marriage councillor has said a few times that I should take care of my own sexual needs.

This grates with me.

To me a part of a marriage partnership is the idea of commitment, responsibilities, sacrifice and so on.  Duty is a word that comes to mind.

Like I have a duty to .....
say earn an income,
be sensitive,

And of course I would say she has duties too.

Now obviously there are traditional views of what those duties are.
But assume that we don't subscribe to the traditional views of who has what duties in a marriage, I suggest that in a marriage, the two people each do have duties or obligations to the other and that in this new paradigm that those responsibilities and duties or obligations one to the other would be negotiated.

In a femdom marriage presumably one would include a negotiation regarding the duty of the sub to obey.

However this marriage councillor has said quite bluntly that my wife owes me no obligation and certainly no obligation in regard to sexual activity.

Hmmm

Attractivness

It seems we have a tension.

On the one hand, as a generalisation, women seem to want a strong leading man.  Physically strong, take the initiative, on the ball, competent and so on.  At the same time, they are controlling, some say manipulative, want their own way.

So for some of us, me in particular, we transition to being what I call submissive.

I hope some traits stay - Physically fit and healthy, competent, on the ball.

But we make a change to I guess taking less initiative.  Not no initiative.  I guess I see it as more reactive.  Trying to ascertain what she wants and doing it.

At the same time I think guys like things black and white.  So it is nice when I know exactly what she wants.  What is difficult is when I am unsure.

Then I couple that with a bit of kinkiness for want of a better word.  A desire to be spanked.  To be bossed around. 

Perhaps it is because I have felt ignored by her as it seems we have drifted apart in our marriage and that any attention is good attention.  So beat me is better than ignoring me.

But it seems that she has difficulty with all of this.  Kink is too too strange.  Taking the lead in a overt way is not her thing.  in fact recently she was involved with several teams that were predominantly female and two of these teams fell apart.  From my fly on the wall position, I think it was because neither team had an obvious visible structure or formality about it.  So when issues rose up, there was no obvious process or structure to deal with it.  And as a part of that, no obvious leader.  No chairperson.  In fact one of these groups seemed to go through a process of electing one chair person after another and then effectively termiting the chair person until they resigned out of frustration and eventually the team imploded.

So on a personal front, I am left in this sort of no mans unsatisfied land where I just go with the flow.  Living her social calendar and dreaming of something more edgy (which s what I am doing now).  Pouring my heart out in this blog and my other one for her that she never reads anyway.

On the proactive side, I try to ensure I put a lot of effort into things around the house.  TV is a killer so I try to make sure I do not sit in front of it.  I make rules for myself.  Kind of wishing she would make an impose them.  Like - no TV, only eat what is provided - no seconds. 



-------------

Interestingly as I write this on the topic of any attention is good attention.  I met a mother once who used to send her daughter to our Friday night church youth group in the skimpiest miniskirts and tight tops.  Now I am all in favour of girls in short skirts but this was a very awkward situation.  I was uncomfortable, the girl was clearly uncomfortable and others were uncomfortable.  When I spoke to the mother about it her position was basically her daughter needed to be noticed.  To be unnoticed meant she was ordinary, boring, a nothing and the mom was sure not going to let that happen. 

Is submissivness just an excuse

I ask myself
"Is submissiveness just an excuse"......

To not take responsibility?
As a response to not being able to turn her on?
For other personal failings.?

.....................................................
Feeling a little low today. 
No logical reason.

Actually the wife and I went to a "Sex Shop"
Amazing.
Amazing that she did that.  Third time in 20years of Marriage I think.
We walked around inside.  Lots of costumes at around $100.  I think we would need a dress up party to go to.  I wonder what the guys would wear?  There were some very nice adult sized Disney characters, sexy nurses and so on.
In another room various implements.  She walked right passed the whips and restraints.  It would have been fun if she had asked to look at one and have me bend over and whacked me a few times.  Only a dream I guess.

Kids were obnoxious last night.  Wore me out.
Went to bed early.