The sub dynamic is somewhat lost in our relationship and so feeling somewhat disconnected I pondered what it was all about anyway.
I think kink is a very narrow thing.
I suspect that for someone with no kinks then they are at a loss to understand any kinks. A person with a kink can appreciate, with a bit of thought, that others get stimulated by something else and that that is understandable. So for example, even though I do not get turned on by.... say feet, I can understand that some one does and I am happy for them.
My wife however has no kinks at all and so I think she has a hard time empathising.
Now then I think about this submissiveness and what it actually is.
if I were to be in the dominant position then for me a sub would be someone who not only did what they were told, immediately and without argument but that they would also do everything.
However that actually does not turn me on.
In a way, my wife does far far more around the house than I do. It is like cooking, cleaning, organising kids, ironing, washing just has to be done and she does it. Then along comes slack old me and puts in some effort and tries to sexualise it. Sometimes I have this image of her giving me a list of things to do and then getting out the whip ala work houses in the industrial revolution to keep me on task.
Or is it just that I am a masochist as opposed to submissive.
I recall in high school in English class probably when I was around 15 or 16 and we were reading a book in class and one of the characters got beaten up. We had a discussion in the class about this and one of the aspects that was brought up was that he may have been a masochist. That was the first time I had heard the term and in that context it was quite possible however at that stage I could not understand that a person could enjoy getting hurt or enjoy pain.
I should say that at that stage I had not recognised the kinks in me that had been present all my life. For example since as young as I can remember, I would check out my friends beds to see who had a plastic sheet on their beds. Who wore nappies at night and so on. On the pain side, I received the cane a few times and even though I feared the cane I was fascinated by it. I also was aroused in a prepubescent way when other kids were spanked. I have a wonderful memory of a girl (probably about 10yo) from school in a kitchen when her mum hit her real hard on the top back of her legs with a wooden spoon. There was a resounding crack and the girl crumpled to the floor crying and the mother commented on the best thing about the school uniform was it was short enough to give her a whack when she needed it or words to that effect.
OK so I have been kinky all my life.
And somewhere along the way, probably more recently, I have become aware that pain can be a stimulant.
Perhaps I should give up trying to be submissive. Not that I do not enjoy that submissive mind space but more because my wife just does not get it.
Perhaps a more pragmatic approach is for me to be a more overt leader in the house. Perhaps she would find that more attractive. Then simply direct her to spank me or whatever. I know some would say this is topping from the bottom but I think there is difference here. Its recognising that however much I would like to be on the bottom, she does not get being on top in a sexual sense. So we settle for just some pure pain pleasure.
Thoughts?
First, I think you do a great job taking care of your wife. I've read so much of your site and learned so much. I appreciate your openness and honesty.
ReplyDeleteThings ebb and flow. Life happens. From a complete outsider (and clearly I am), it seems like a refresh might be in order. Perhaps you guys could sit down and talk about where things are, what she'd like to get from the D/s arrangement, etc. Be prepared to hear honesty and be prepared to talk it through - but I would say too, be prepared to think about options.
You might not have specific ideas on how to move things forward during the conversation, but you can agree to talk, then sleep on the ideas and thoughts presented. Then have a follow-up meeting with ideas.
Perhaps she's lost sight of her benefits? Remember, FLR and D/s is about them, and sometimes we forget that. It's got to be a benefit to them, then to us - for me and my wife, it's a mutual thing because we're both getting so much from it (not just sexually/turn-on wise, too).
Perhaps she likes back-rubs? (No strings) - a cup of tea?
I really can't say because I don't know - to me it just sounds like she's not getting whatever it is she needs - and our needs change and morph over time, so it's not like you're doing anything wrong, it's just changing. Communication is so very important IMHO.
I'm rambling, so I'll stop, but these are my thoughts. Hang in there, think it through and seek out what might be up. See what you can do to address it and keep communicating. :)
Thanks for all you do!
I think that full on FLR is probably impractical in most domestic circumstances. We're both just too busy with work, hobbies, relatives... I couldn't drop everything to be a fulltime slave, and Xena wouldn't want it. Conversely, as you are discovering, doing my share and trying to sexualise it seems lame.
ReplyDeleteIt's also true that being in charge of a family is hard work - I often suspect that modern equal marriages actually came about because men welcomed the shared responsibility!
Our solution is to be strictly part-time.
I only slave domestically when it's practical for me to *really* slave. That avoids dilution, but also ensures she gets something she shouldn't and couldn't get from a normal relationship - a compelling proposition for her :) The nice thing is that now she is used to it, she's more than happy to use Femdom to turn boring tasks into more interesting ones - the benefit being I do chores to her standards.
In bed, I am mostly 100% submissive. This mostly means erotic service, again a compelling proposition.
(We also have a FLR undercurrent going, but that's just shaping up so I'm not ready to really blog about it.)
For us it seems there are many times that it wouldn't be obvious we are in an FLR. I do ALL the housework but she doesn't get the whip out, why? Because it would be work for her, she wants me to do the housework so she can focus on other things. So as much as I would love your scenario where I work and she white glove inspects, which on a rare occasion she might do. Most of the time I am just taking care of things and she is happy about it.
ReplyDeleteI guess you need to figure out if you want to be in an FLR or just get your ass beat occasionally. I suppose there is a big difference in the two although there may be times where it might appear to be the same.
You also make a point about if you were the dominant that the other person would do everything, and then you follow it with, "But that doesn't turn me on." Maybe it doesn't turn your wife on either. My Mistress gets no sexual excitement from being on top but she just enjoys being in control. So it makes for a different but still really good type of FLR.
Oh and my Mistress doesn't have any kinks either but she sure does enjoy not having to do housework and getting rub downs and lotion applied to her an awful lot. We have taken what she enjoys and turned that into part of our FLR.
SOS KK: Yes. Part of what makes this work is accepting asymmetrical feelings.
DeleteFascinating discussion. Thanks guys.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, when I try to have a discussion involving the topic of dominants and submission, she will inevitably state that she "believes in equality". It seems to me that she equates "Equality" with "sameness". It would be interesting for her to understand the idea of "accepting asymmetrical feelings".
Feelings may be asymmetric, but there's definitely "equality of satisfaction".
DeleteI think, given what she says, it might be wise to emphasize the "this is a game" approach and keep it to the bedroom for a while.