Sometimes I just wish she would whip me.
Right now I just feel abandoned and un loved. Frustrated and disappointed in myself. lacking in self control.
I like to know the rules.
If A do B and so on.
I know it sounds weird but I would love her to tie me face down on the bed and lay into me with the whip across my backside. To me the pain says love. It says she cares. It is both a punishment - ie get back on track and a expression of love. Sounds weird but that's it.
It feels like I have drifted off course. A taking on of an annoyance here. A nasty word to her there. A less than full support of her in the house work. A feeling of the family becoming disconnected.
Selfish maybe. probably. A lack of self control - sure I admit to needing external control.
I need that external control too. My wife will say to me that she would like me to be naked at all times in the room (we travel full time and stay in hotels). But she doesn't issue this as a new rule, just as a wish. And then I find myself not delivering on that wish because the little boy in wants to know if she's going to enforce her desires. So when she does not, I become disrespectful of her authority. She says she wants to dominate me through l love. But, I was never loved as a child. I was beaten and punished. I respond to force. I don't crave beatings, however. I just respect force, and become quite aroused by a strong female authority.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I wish she would lay down the law with me, but I don't feel it's my place as a sub to lead from the bottom. So instead I thrive within the limits of her dominance.
Hard to know isn't it. The balance between communicating and leading from the bottom.
DeleteAlso the different connotations we associate with power and beatings.
Your comment about respecting force but not craving beatings is interesting. I recall as a kid the deputy head at school asked me to choose between the cane and a detention. I just could not do it. I just stood there. I would have taken the cane and cried but I could not make that decision. I wanted him to simply say bend over. In the end I was give the detention.
On the arousal of strong female authority, I agree.
Sorry to hear that you were never loved as a child. In that we differ. I believe I was loved by my parents, teachers and so on. I actually have no bad feelings about any times I was caned and I was caned both at school and at home and I think because really it was not abusive caning but done out of desire to teach me right and wrong.