If I knew then

I wonder what life would have been like if I knew then what I know now.

My wife has on occasion said she wished that she'd known what I was really like.  I don't think she would have married me.  Would I have married her?  Certainly if we had no kids, I would not feel so much the need to stick around and I suspect she would have left ages ago.

The dilemma with this decision is that in a way I have brought kink more to the fore.  I was always kinky but also at the time of marriage my self esteem was good and even though we did not engage in any kinky stuff (did not even discuss it) that seemed ok.  I was not repressing it.  You know people go through phases of trying to supress their weirdness.  I don't recall doing that.  So I was in love with her and that was all that seemed to matter.

If we had had a open discussion where I brought forth all my kinks and somehow she brought forth that she was as vanilla as one can get then either we would have said "not for us, the cost will be too great" or perhaps both would have gone in willing to work with the other.  Maybe she would have engaged with kink even if she did not like it.  Whereas now her position is "This is not what I signed up for".

Who knows.