I had a look at http://www.malechastityblog.com
Signed up and all that as it looked interesting. Basically in exchange for my email address I am receiving a multi part 'book' and of coourse there is a bigger and better book for sale. I found it all very interesting.
One thing that came thorugh on the email and struck a chord was :-
"
My primary goal is to feel needed and wanted sexually by my wife, what ever that may entail.
[...]
Is there a certain way to ease her into this life style? I haven't shared these thoughts with her yet. I would love to submit to she being totally in charge of our sex life, only my wife's pleasures and desires.
If I ask her about her sexual desire, she just shuts down and thinks I am trying to get a blow job out of the deal.
I want her to need me, as much as I need to see her pleasured. I need some kind of sexual feelings from her. If it turns out to be her oral pleasure and only chastity for myself I think I could be happy with that. Please tell me what you think. I could really use some help. Thank you ~ CM"
"
Does that sound like me?
Does that sound like some of the other male chastity and FLM blogs around here?
and her answer:
" This is, alas, one of those times when I really do not think male chastity is going to solve anything."
So me thinks I need a different tack.
Fix the relationship first.
Then have another go at WLM/FLR.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
the down mood
http://happywifehappylife.blogspot.com has a last post where he says he is giving up because she just can not get into it.
He says
For all of the would-be submissive men out there that would consider "outing" themselves to their wives, I have three pieces of advice:
1. Whatever you do, don't do anything to make her feel as though she's letting you down by not being the woman you want her to be. The WORST thing you can do is lead her to believe that she is not "doing it for you".
2. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're doing this for her. You aren't.
3. If you open the box, as I did, be prepared for anything. Rejection is a pretty bitter pill to swallow after opening up so completely.
He also says
We're a very ordinary married couple. Both of us are too uptight and conservative sexually, and our sex life is increasingly less fulfilling.
Sort of rings a bell with me.
I think that he is very realistic when he says the above. especially point 2.
It seems to be an interesting observation that historically men tried to subjugate women. They submitted under duress or out of a sense of loyalty. Wheras sub men seem to want to submit. Yet the women do not want to be dominant or controlling. Yet at the same time, they are.
At least my wife is controlling but she does not recognise it. She controls the calendar and the social life. Filling it to over flowing with commitments and parties and meetings and so on. Yet she does not recognise that as controlling. She controlls the meals and the shopping. What we have in the house foodwise is what she buys. When I cook, I cook what she wants and with what she has bought and yet she does not see that as controlling. From time to time she will buy me a piece of clothing. A shirt, underwear even pants. I wear them. But if I were to buy her clothing, she would either tell me that I was buying that for me. By that I mean that I was buying her something I found sexy in which case she would only wear it in the bed room or maybe out but only with me and if it were not placed in that category, it would be disgarded as being off fashion or did not go with anything.
The phrase "uptight and conservative sexually" caught my attention. It describes us too. The weird thing is though that once women get on a certain path they seem firmly fixated that that is the right path. The normal path. So for example, my wife would never in a million years do anything that she categorised as kinky. She has reuctantly in days gone by sucked me and allowed me to lick her but I think she sees this as kinky and therefore wrong. So she does not get turned on by me licking her and I have basically given up asking her to suck me especially since I have tried to go down this submissive path. But as for kinky, when we were first married, she and I both were of the idea that the woman should submit to the man. We even practiced this. With me interrupting her and telling her I wanted sex. Now to me that is kinky. She would immediatly stop what she was doing and we would go into the bed room and have sex. Likewise in the morning. I might wake at say 3 am and and get on top and push in while she was sleeping and she would wake up and not object. She would always wear a nightie and no undies except when she was on her period so that we both knew she was available. Often she would apologise if she had resisted. Now to my mind, this is kinky but in her mind it was the right thing for a good christian girl to do.
So somehow, we need to spice up our relationship. And I believe consciously spice it up. She needs to desire the closeness as do I. Closeness does not equal sex in my view but sex is a part of it. Liekwise I see spanking and submission and other bedroom activities as closeness and bonding. But I think she seens any of this as kinky and therefore weird and to be avoided.
He says
For all of the would-be submissive men out there that would consider "outing" themselves to their wives, I have three pieces of advice:
1. Whatever you do, don't do anything to make her feel as though she's letting you down by not being the woman you want her to be. The WORST thing you can do is lead her to believe that she is not "doing it for you".
2. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're doing this for her. You aren't.
3. If you open the box, as I did, be prepared for anything. Rejection is a pretty bitter pill to swallow after opening up so completely.
He also says
We're a very ordinary married couple. Both of us are too uptight and conservative sexually, and our sex life is increasingly less fulfilling.
Sort of rings a bell with me.
I think that he is very realistic when he says the above. especially point 2.
It seems to be an interesting observation that historically men tried to subjugate women. They submitted under duress or out of a sense of loyalty. Wheras sub men seem to want to submit. Yet the women do not want to be dominant or controlling. Yet at the same time, they are.
At least my wife is controlling but she does not recognise it. She controls the calendar and the social life. Filling it to over flowing with commitments and parties and meetings and so on. Yet she does not recognise that as controlling. She controlls the meals and the shopping. What we have in the house foodwise is what she buys. When I cook, I cook what she wants and with what she has bought and yet she does not see that as controlling. From time to time she will buy me a piece of clothing. A shirt, underwear even pants. I wear them. But if I were to buy her clothing, she would either tell me that I was buying that for me. By that I mean that I was buying her something I found sexy in which case she would only wear it in the bed room or maybe out but only with me and if it were not placed in that category, it would be disgarded as being off fashion or did not go with anything.
The phrase "uptight and conservative sexually" caught my attention. It describes us too. The weird thing is though that once women get on a certain path they seem firmly fixated that that is the right path. The normal path. So for example, my wife would never in a million years do anything that she categorised as kinky. She has reuctantly in days gone by sucked me and allowed me to lick her but I think she sees this as kinky and therefore wrong. So she does not get turned on by me licking her and I have basically given up asking her to suck me especially since I have tried to go down this submissive path. But as for kinky, when we were first married, she and I both were of the idea that the woman should submit to the man. We even practiced this. With me interrupting her and telling her I wanted sex. Now to me that is kinky. She would immediatly stop what she was doing and we would go into the bed room and have sex. Likewise in the morning. I might wake at say 3 am and and get on top and push in while she was sleeping and she would wake up and not object. She would always wear a nightie and no undies except when she was on her period so that we both knew she was available. Often she would apologise if she had resisted. Now to my mind, this is kinky but in her mind it was the right thing for a good christian girl to do.
So somehow, we need to spice up our relationship. And I believe consciously spice it up. She needs to desire the closeness as do I. Closeness does not equal sex in my view but sex is a part of it. Liekwise I see spanking and submission and other bedroom activities as closeness and bonding. But I think she seens any of this as kinky and therefore weird and to be avoided.
The reason to blog
http://sheisincharge.blogspot.com/
mentions that the WLM FLM relationship has not developed and that he had given up both the FLM and the blogging.
This got me thinking about why I blog and I think it comes down to firstly a way just to get some of my thoughts and frustrations out so I can get on with my life. At the same time, writing helps me clarify what exactly I am thinking and feeling and sometimes a little of why.
Another reason is that I think I am looking for a substitute for her listening ear.
She is controlling but does not recognise it. She does not want to be dominant in the kinky sense of the word.
This got me thinking about why I blog and I think it comes down to firstly a way just to get some of my thoughts and frustrations out so I can get on with my life. At the same time, writing helps me clarify what exactly I am thinking and feeling and sometimes a little of why.
Another reason is that I think I am looking for a substitute for her listening ear.
She is controlling but does not recognise it. She does not want to be dominant in the kinky sense of the word.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Back to the personal
Have had a couple of somewhat academic posts recently theorising over this and that.
I figured back to the personal stuggle.
So we have the obvious physical sturuggle of chastity. This is for me anyway easier if she is "in the loop". Asking how I am going makes it easier. Totally ignoring me leads me to feeling down. Two extremes. Recently she has been nice and is asking how I am going. It's been a while. I have not been tracking the actual date but last time it was a bit of an oops did not intend to cum.
I also really find I enjoy thinking about her. Almost a renewed courtship in a way. The drive makes me put extra effort into helping out at home, cleaning up, doing things with the kids. I know that "subservent Husband" uses the term docile associated with his chastity and yet for me it seems to be the opposite. Chastity with her encouragement leads to energy and chastity without her encouragement leads to anger. Right now I seem to be over that initial hurdle of emotions associated with chastity.
OK so back onto the academic. As I have said to her in the past, chastity is like a long foreplay. Rewarding to me.
On the relegeous side, I have almost all my life believed that masturbation is wrong or at least not good. From a moral point of view at least, a man fixated on or distracted by masturbation will not have the drive to get his wife to notice or somehow find that her sex does not live up to his fantacy of sex.
She however I think feels an obligation to have sex. She recognises that she has a lower sex drive and translates that into low expectations. I think she feels well its no big deal to have sex. It's something he likes and based on past experience, if he does not get it then he gets frustrated. So instead of dealing with the frustration, she takes the easy way out and just has sex.
This is unfocussed waffle. It has turned into more random thoughts.
I should get on with some work!
I figured back to the personal stuggle.
So we have the obvious physical sturuggle of chastity. This is for me anyway easier if she is "in the loop". Asking how I am going makes it easier. Totally ignoring me leads me to feeling down. Two extremes. Recently she has been nice and is asking how I am going. It's been a while. I have not been tracking the actual date but last time it was a bit of an oops did not intend to cum.
I also really find I enjoy thinking about her. Almost a renewed courtship in a way. The drive makes me put extra effort into helping out at home, cleaning up, doing things with the kids. I know that "subservent Husband" uses the term docile associated with his chastity and yet for me it seems to be the opposite. Chastity with her encouragement leads to energy and chastity without her encouragement leads to anger. Right now I seem to be over that initial hurdle of emotions associated with chastity.
OK so back onto the academic. As I have said to her in the past, chastity is like a long foreplay. Rewarding to me.
On the relegeous side, I have almost all my life believed that masturbation is wrong or at least not good. From a moral point of view at least, a man fixated on or distracted by masturbation will not have the drive to get his wife to notice or somehow find that her sex does not live up to his fantacy of sex.
She however I think feels an obligation to have sex. She recognises that she has a lower sex drive and translates that into low expectations. I think she feels well its no big deal to have sex. It's something he likes and based on past experience, if he does not get it then he gets frustrated. So instead of dealing with the frustration, she takes the easy way out and just has sex.
This is unfocussed waffle. It has turned into more random thoughts.
I should get on with some work!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Effort
In my recent post titled random thoughts a couple of respondents commeted that the women may not be so keen to enter the FLR realm because they perceive it to require effort.
And indeed I would agree.
Upon reflection though I realise that anything worthwhile requires effort.
Now couple this with another observation and that is romance. Romance requires effort.
I think we get a few years into a relationship and we get lazy. Then the relationship gets stale.
Another poster has a mentioned on their blog the five love languages.
http://sherulestherooster.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/love-languages.html
Last year my wife and I read this book and I agree with it. Part of the story is as I read it that when we are first in a relationship we do everything for the other person and some of those things speak their love language. Then over time, we unintentionally get lazy and end up really only doing for them the things that we think appeal to them but in fact we speak our love language. ie we actually do for them the things that we see as loving rather than doing the things that speak love to them. Then when one reads the book, one is challenged first to think then to try to work out their love language and then to speak it & do it.
Of course all that requires effort.
Now as read blogs. blogs off all sorts. It seems that bloggers are willing to put in effort. maybe i do not put in the right effort or consistent effort.
The challenge of course though all of this is either how does one communicate to the wife that FLR does not mean effort or yes it means effort on her part but it is worthwhile effort.
Now I would rather the second as to me no effort also equates to no value.
And indeed I would agree.
Upon reflection though I realise that anything worthwhile requires effort.
Now couple this with another observation and that is romance. Romance requires effort.
I think we get a few years into a relationship and we get lazy. Then the relationship gets stale.
Another poster has a mentioned on their blog the five love languages.
http://sherulestherooster.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/love-languages.html
Last year my wife and I read this book and I agree with it. Part of the story is as I read it that when we are first in a relationship we do everything for the other person and some of those things speak their love language. Then over time, we unintentionally get lazy and end up really only doing for them the things that we think appeal to them but in fact we speak our love language. ie we actually do for them the things that we see as loving rather than doing the things that speak love to them. Then when one reads the book, one is challenged first to think then to try to work out their love language and then to speak it & do it.
Of course all that requires effort.
Now as read blogs. blogs off all sorts. It seems that bloggers are willing to put in effort. maybe i do not put in the right effort or consistent effort.
The challenge of course though all of this is either how does one communicate to the wife that FLR does not mean effort or yes it means effort on her part but it is worthwhile effort.
Now I would rather the second as to me no effort also equates to no value.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Random Thoughts
I think that women are too far too subtle for men.
Maybe one of the reasons I have gravitated to this submissive idea is that perhaps I am looking for a clearer interface with my wife. She says, He does. Nice and clear.
Do this -> Yes mam -> get sex. get attention. Get reward. Nice and straightforward.
Maybe the relationship was stale, boring and this was my way, however clumsy, of trying to spice it up.
I think though that women like to be romanced. For the guy to think and do and plan little things and big things to show his interest in her. I suspect that she sees the concept of the submissive man as at odds with getting romanced. I suspect that she will think that an end result of a FLM will be that unless she commands a set of actions that they will not happen and anyway how romantic is it anyway if she has to ask me to do romance. But I suspect that she sees that scenario in a FLM type relationship.
I was listening to the radio last night and they had women phoning in and discussing sex. Must have boosted their male audience. I was amazed at the number of women in their 20's who said that they had sex but had never had an orgasm. They were phoning in to find out what they needed to do to have an orgasm. My answer to that is simple. Tell the boy not to orgasm until he has gotten her to orgasm. But still the interesting thing was if they do not have orgasm's, then what drives them to have sex?
I think that many women make sacrifices to please their husbands and this seems at odds with the FLM idea where the guys want the woman to have enjoyment just for herself and that as a consequence we get enjoyment anyway. On this line, when we were first married, we both came from pretty concervative christian backgrounds and we would practice her submitting. Bad habbit for both of us as it made for what I call lazy sex. Basically I would initiate sex and she would submit. No chance of her reaching orgasm of course. In I go and cum. Its quick and it demonstrates sacrifice, submission. I suspect though that it affected us both long term. I forgot how to romance her and she associated sex with duty. Now I am trying to change that but ingrained thoughts and actions are hard to change.
Maybe one of the reasons I have gravitated to this submissive idea is that perhaps I am looking for a clearer interface with my wife. She says, He does. Nice and clear.
Do this -> Yes mam -> get sex. get attention. Get reward. Nice and straightforward.
Maybe the relationship was stale, boring and this was my way, however clumsy, of trying to spice it up.
I think though that women like to be romanced. For the guy to think and do and plan little things and big things to show his interest in her. I suspect that she sees the concept of the submissive man as at odds with getting romanced. I suspect that she will think that an end result of a FLM will be that unless she commands a set of actions that they will not happen and anyway how romantic is it anyway if she has to ask me to do romance. But I suspect that she sees that scenario in a FLM type relationship.
I was listening to the radio last night and they had women phoning in and discussing sex. Must have boosted their male audience. I was amazed at the number of women in their 20's who said that they had sex but had never had an orgasm. They were phoning in to find out what they needed to do to have an orgasm. My answer to that is simple. Tell the boy not to orgasm until he has gotten her to orgasm. But still the interesting thing was if they do not have orgasm's, then what drives them to have sex?
I think that many women make sacrifices to please their husbands and this seems at odds with the FLM idea where the guys want the woman to have enjoyment just for herself and that as a consequence we get enjoyment anyway. On this line, when we were first married, we both came from pretty concervative christian backgrounds and we would practice her submitting. Bad habbit for both of us as it made for what I call lazy sex. Basically I would initiate sex and she would submit. No chance of her reaching orgasm of course. In I go and cum. Its quick and it demonstrates sacrifice, submission. I suspect though that it affected us both long term. I forgot how to romance her and she associated sex with duty. Now I am trying to change that but ingrained thoughts and actions are hard to change.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I wish people would comment
I wish people would comment.
I sort of came on line to chat. Partly because it is rare for my wife to entertain discussions about sex. I see others blog and get 8 or ten or more comments. Yet I rarely get even one comment. Why is that. Is what I write so unengaging. What is wrong with me I ask myself. I do not seem to be able to "engage" my wife. It is like little turns her on and talk on anything kinky is a sure fire way to switch off her libido and I do not seem to be able to engage others here either. So I end up feeling mildly depressed, unimportant, un engaging, un appreciated. Pretty much un everything.
If you are going to write one response this year, please write what is wrong with me. Be honest. Why is what I write of no interest to anyone?
I sort of came on line to chat. Partly because it is rare for my wife to entertain discussions about sex. I see others blog and get 8 or ten or more comments. Yet I rarely get even one comment. Why is that. Is what I write so unengaging. What is wrong with me I ask myself. I do not seem to be able to "engage" my wife. It is like little turns her on and talk on anything kinky is a sure fire way to switch off her libido and I do not seem to be able to engage others here either. So I end up feeling mildly depressed, unimportant, un engaging, un appreciated. Pretty much un everything.
If you are going to write one response this year, please write what is wrong with me. Be honest. Why is what I write of no interest to anyone?
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