Early monday

Well last night she said "I have some news for you."

I was al ears.

She said "no sex for a week"

I was turned on.

Why I said

because I said so

oohhhh I thought.

Then we had a fun discussion about how she can do things for me where she does not have to directly be involved in the kinky part such as when she goes away laving the note with instructions or putting the plastic sheet on the bed.

Ahhhh

So that was last night. This morning I was way turned on and restless and she told me to get out of bed. I was turned on and rubbing myself on the mattress. She pushed poked and pinched me and said get up and get going.

Sunday evening

Woke up very very wanting sex but my wife was not at all interested. She said Maybe a quickie tonight.. pause .. maybe not. It was nice to have her tease me.

We had a meeting at church today. One of those meetings that could go on forever. After a while my wife went out of the room. I thought to check on the kids who were playing un supervised in the playground. When she came back she had three pieces of butchers paper and on them she had summarised everyones concerns and grouped them had few arrows and stuff then on another piece she summarised the suggestions that had been made and on the third she had put together a plan based on the best suggestions and the people available and etc etc. That is why she is a leader.

Sat night

It is now almost a week since my last release. Again I have this strange feeling of "will I ever be able to do it again" I guess in a way this maybe "withdrawal" type feelings. There is this real feeling of inadequacy, impending something. At the front of my chest up high on each side above my nipples sort of inside my shoulders has this caved in feeling and I have to sort of shake and rub my shoulders every now and then. Weird.

Last night the wife went out early for dinner with some of her girlfriends. I organised dinner for my eldest son and myself. The younger kids were at various friends places for sleepovers. My eldest and I then went and met up with my wife and the group of girl friends who had all had dinner together. We went to a concert together.

I smiled as I sat by myself in the row behind my wife and the group of girls. Funny how they had organised a single seat for me. The only male. (My son met with some friends of his and they had a group of 4 or 5 seats that had been bought separately in a different part of the auditorium). I mused as I sat there behind the group of girls. Normally I would have felt quite out of it. But it was fun to think about it in this different way. Luckily also there was a nice girl beside me and we exchanged a few pleasant words at half time to which I was able to mention that my wife had organised this seat to for me.

I have had a couple of good conversations with my wife recently.

I said to her that its not that I don't want to cum. I really do. I want sex and I want to cum but I want her to cum even more.

Its like if I cum, I get maybe 2 or three minutes of groping her followed by ten seconds of Ecstasy. Then I come down. I feel down because she has not cum and I feel inadequate. I told her that by only cuming when she both cums and when she tells me to cum it is firstly like having a week long foreplay. Providing she touches me on the penis and teases me from time to time (which she does) and especially if she asks verbally how I am going then it is like having a week long foreplay. Then if she cums, I get great satisfaction. If she tells me when to cum, its fun and then after I feel good. A whole lot of positives.

I wrote her a message explaining that I do not see physical pain to be bad per se.

I have acknowledged to her that a light spanking is a turn on for me but that I really wish that she would whip me when I loose it and speak nastily to her. I emphasised that it was not a mother and child thing. A child does not ask for punishment. She is sort of warming to this I think.

At one stage she said "I do not want to be your psychologist" and that she did not want to hear all my thoughts. A pity because I would really like to tell her all my dreams and fantasies and so on but I think this would freak her out. So you guys who read this, get it all instead.

I think one thing I would love to get to though is where she recognises the authority she has and that she recognises how she organises me anyway and then have some fun with that by bossing me around in a more direct overt kind of way.

Its Friday night

This week at work has been very stressful. Deadlines, plans, meetings, reports. Pressure pressure pressure. I got home later than I would have liked tonight. My wife had kindly cooked dinner but now she has left for church. Choir & leading the youth group. So here I am at home and what I would really like to do is pull up a chair, put my feet up, open a cold beer and go to sleep on the verandah. But what I would like even more is to get out of my current head space and into the submissive head space. So I figured I would spend a few minutes writing about it and what I plan to do and that would help the transition.

I guess to start with, if I were lucky enough to be living an an active WLM, then not doing something just because I was tired would normally not be an option. Maybe occasionally she would give me a treat and let me go to bed early but equally I would hope that I would be expected to respond and serve any time irrespective of how tired I felt. So I want to actually get up and achieve something domestic this evening.

I am going to start with the kitchen. It's a mess again. Then there are various kids here that I am baby sitting so I think extra beds need to be made and stories read to them. Then I think we will do a tidy up of the lounge room. Now I have to admit that I am choosing things that she will see when she gets home from youth group.

OK so off I go.

Maybe she is warming up

I think maybe we creep forward slowly. Obviously too slowly for my liking but none the less it is encouraging. And fun at times.

Last night somehow we started to have sex. She did not seem interested in leading. At one stage she said whatever I wanted. I think I had said "Would she like to be on top". I have to confess once again that I let go with a bit of a list of what I wanted-
"
I want you to lead
I want you to put in some effort (ooh yes a bit nasty)
I want you to get turned on
I want you to have fun
I want to have fun
I want you to be a bit selfish and not feel you just have to do everything for me (careful here me thinks - I may end up with no sex at at all and no connection or anything)
I want you to tease me
I want you to talk to me
I want you to tie me to the bed an whip me really really hard.
I want to put plastic and oil on the bed and roll around and have fun.
So lets not be too focussed on what I want because most of the time what I want does not let you get turned on."

So then we rolled over with her on top and she started to move.

At one stage I said "Can I touch your breasts"
She said "No" oooooh ahhh that excited me. She had said what I know she wanted. and what I wanted to hear. You know then I so wanted to touch her breasts more than almost anything else.

I then said "Can I touch your bottom"
She said "yes"
So I did and I was gentle and I know she likes that.

She continued to move and got faster and came and then she said "thats all. good night. None for you and don't wake me in the middle of the night"

I said "thankyou dear. I am so turned on"

This morning I wrote her a thankyou note.

You know its scary this giving up power.
There are things I have forced her to do that I will mis. I am sure that once she feels empowered there will be no going back.

I should write the things down I guess to get them off my chest so to speak. And to make sure I never force her to do anything again.

Grrr

I had another argument with the wife last night.
Interesting.
She used to say that she would give me sex "releif" because if I went too long with out sex that I got grumpy.
Seems to me that I get grumpy just a day or two after having sex.

It would seem to me that we would both be better off if I had a period of chastity but with me stimulating her.

The benefits to me - I don't get grumpy, angry etc.
The benefits to her - She gets attention. She does not have a grumpy husband around. She of course should get to orgasm.

A somewhat bizzare coincidence - I came across this graph.

I guess the readers who read this have to put up with my grumpyness as I would rather vent honestly here than at my wife. In fact it seems that we men get conflicting messages. We get told we don't share our feelings and yet if we do share our feelings, it pushes the women away.

An interesting development

An interesting development has happened.

OK last night I fell a sleep and my wife did the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen.

Tonight I had the kids doing washing up and stepped out of the room and of course they quietly vanished but when I come back, my wife is in there doing the washing up. I had to take one of the kids to a club meeting. I said to my wife that I would complete the washing up on my return but she completed it. Hmm. Interesting. Especially since before I tried to submit to her, kit was already my job and she would never do it. If I did not do it, the dirty dishes would pile up and up and up.

Anyway we will see where that leads.

So I had a look at the list she had on the fridge of jobs that need doing and I chose to fix the bathroom door lock which had somehow jammed. I particularly wanted to choose something from the list to give a feeling of doing as I am told in a round about sort of way. Or at least responding to her. There is a light fitting that needs repair but I, being the cautious person that I am always turn the power off before doing electrical work and so only do it during daylight hours. Likewise plumbing problems need to be started at dawn.

So easy to get slack

Spent the day with one of my kids. Went to "Sea World" which is a fun park at the Gold Coast.

Now the day had started exceptionally well with sex as a thank you for fixing the pantry door. Then as previously arranged I took the 11 yo for father and son day.

Great day including stopping at the beach on for a swim in the natural environment before the park opened. Got home to a nice dinner of reheated left overs. But then being the slack dog that I am I fell asleep on the couch. A combination I am sure of physical exertion in the sun, red wine and of course sex twice in two days. By the time I awoke, the kids were a sleep and the wife had washed up and cleaned the kitchen. Oops.

She had mentioned at dinner that the computer printer was not working so I raised my self from my slumber and figured I should at least attend to that. Turned out the network cable had fallen out of the router in the other room. So at least I was able to go to bed feeling like I had at least made some sort of effort. I think maybe I should become a tea toatler as a couple of glasses of red is guaranteed to send me to sleep.

She is wearing her new PJ's again. We snuggle up. I do not ask for sex. She does not offer but she does stroke my penis which of course gets hard. I offer a massage which she declines (pity). And then we both drift off to sleep.

Sunday AM

Well Saturday morning was a treat.

She had told me to let her sleep in till 7am. I had been wide awake and turned on and to so avoid tossing and turning I had gotten up. See yesterdays post. Anyway at about 7:30 she got up and went to the toilet. I watched her walk in her new PJs. Very sexy. She got back into bed and played with my penis but did not say anything. I so like it when she plays with it andway then she said those words. "take your pants off and lie on your back". Mate if I was not hard before, I was rock hard now.

She took off her PJ pants and climbed on top. She pushed and rocked herself down on to me. All the time I am concentrating on not just cumming quickly. She gets on and starts moving and I am still focussed on not cumming. She moves and moves and then I feel her move faster and climax. She then relaxes a bit and I hug her and thank her and say she can relax and lie on me and put all her weight on me. Which she does. After a few minutes she starts to tease me by tightening and relaxing muscles in her vagina. Oh such a tease. I am still rock hard. I so want sex.

Eventually she says roll me over, lets deal with you. I am torn between two feelings. I so desperately want sex but also I dream of her saying. OK that was good. Pull out and that is where we are leaving you for today or words to that effect.

I think what I would need to hear were words that said that she knew the desparation that I was feeling and that she was teasing me by not letting me cum.

Just being ignored and not having that connection would just make me sad and angry.

Anyway, I did as instructed and started to move and I asked "can I cum now" and she said "yes" so I did and it was gig and great and I felt good.

Then I lay back ad relaxed.

We were both happy.

I did notice as the day went on that I was less focussed. It was harder to actually motivate myself to do washing up and so on. I will have to work through that. Like last night I was tired. We had some friends over and I had a few glasses of wine and that made me sleepy. I did most of the washing up but did not finish it. There were a few items I left soaking in the sink plus a lot of clean stuff that did not get put away.

We live and learn and grow.

Mind you one of the fun bits in the evening was that while we were cooking dinner. I was stirring a saucepan of sauce and the other families wife was sitting chatting to my wife and my wife was doing the majority of the cooking. It was commented that I was such a good husband stirring the pot. My wife then said "Oh he's good for lots of things. My pantry door now closes properly and she proceeded to demonstrate it to her friend." Then the two girls giggled and said that's gotta be worth a quickie. My wife came over and snuggled up to me and said we will see what reward we can organise.

It was so much fun thinking about my actions being overtly rewarded by sex.

4:30am Saturday

Well its four thirty in the morning and I can't sleep.

I am way turned on. Hard as a rock. Wide awake. The danger here is that at the very least I would toss and turn and eventually wake up my wife. I would be frustrated with myself for doing that. I want sex and I would be frustrated that she didn't and that would lead me to getting angry.

I do need to confess that earlier in our marriage and in fact right now, if I were to wake her up and ask / demand sex, that she would let me. Many times I had done that and she would sleepily comply. The first time, much earlier in my marriage, it was a turn on. We were young and trying to live out a christian man is the head of the house woman must look after him and make sacrifices thing. In a way, at that time, we both enjoyed it. Even though she did not reach orgasm she did sort of feel well she has done her wifely duty. Anyway, it became more of a habit that she resented (I think) and felt was pretty much masturbation and self indulgence on my part. (end of confession)

OK so here I am at 4:45am.

Well OK what to write.

Last night she went out to help at the church there were several things on. Choir practice, youth group. I stayed home and looked after the younger kids. The older one went to youthgroup.

I decided to wash and dry the pyjamas I had bought her. Then I folded them and put both pairs on the bed. So they are ready to wear.

I did the usual things of washing up and cleaning the kitchen. I played some board games with the kids. Normally I am not really into board games but in my new head space it was not nearly the chore it used to be. I wanted to avoid the TV being turned on. Eventually put the kids into bed. Then felt somewhat directionless. Resisted the temptation to turn on the TV. Knowing full well that once it is on, I will achieve nothing. Got a damp cloth and started wiping walls and this progressed to wiping the tops of the door frames. How %&^# is that. :)

Eventually I decided to leave the kids (she is OK with that) and drive down the church and help with the clean up after youth group. It actually was good fun. Only the leaders were there and I know all of them and so it was a good adult chat / catch up.

We arrived home within a few minutes of each other.

I was quite apprehensive so I actually took the PJs and put them aside. She came in and out of the bed room a few times getting ready for bed. Going and doing teeth and so on. I waited patiently until she seemed to be about to put her nightie on and I said to her that I had brought her a present.

I did a little speech where I said that I realised that she wore dresses and her nightie because she knew that I liked it and I honestly said that I still like them but that as she knew, I wanted her to take the lead in the bed room and so as a symbol of how things had changed at least in my mind I said I had bought her pyjamas with pants. I handed her the two pairs.

She was stunned. She said things like "are you sure". "You hate women in pants". To which I tried to reassure her that I am trying to change inside how I feel and that that I wanted to get something to symbolise that change of attitude. She said "I'm not sure I should even try them on". I said "Please, this is my gift to you" Not just pyjamas but the gift of freedom. I don't want you to feel oppressed by me" I said "I am sorry for the times I have embarrassed you by you having to wear short skirts and nighties" "Please feel free to wear pants from now on without having to worry about what I think."

She then tried each pair on. They were both cotton. She then said "are you sure". I said "yes".

She then left the shorter pair on and I do confess I think she looks cute in them.

I then offered her a massage. Which she surprisingly accepted.

She started by saying "You know I will just fall asleep if you do that" and I responded by saying "It will be an honour if you do"

She then made an interesting comment that went something along the lines of enjoying my offers to massage her the last few days. It is interesting because one of my frustrations is that I have been offering to massage her for months if not years and she never would take me up on the offers and yet you would go and have paid massages. I don't think she enjoyed our physical contact and so mentally blocked out the offers. From my perspective she has changed and is allowing and enjoying the physical contact.

While I was massaging her I looked at her new pant covered bottom and it was still as sexy as ever.

She asked how I was going. I so need that. I said I wanted sex. Like any guy that's all I could think of. She said I think we should do it now so you don't wake me up in the morning. I said please don't do that to me. You know you don't want it now. Just tell me not to disturb you in the morning and I won't. She said OK well let me sleep till 7am. We have no need to get up early, lets just sleep in. So here I am its now 20 past 5. Almost an hour typing away here (and reading a couple of other blogs). She is getting her wish and in a way so am I.

Its scary though knowing I am giving up control because I know I will never get it back again.

Shopping for PJs

Well I had comitted myself by writing my last posting to go and buy my wife some Pyjamas with pants so today at lunch time, I took off from work and went to the local shopping mall.

The reality of the situation hit me when I realised that in the department store, the pyjamas are along side of womens underwear so I walk briskly past as if I am going somewhere else all the while looking for pyjamas. Then having not seen any, I swallowed my pride and fear of being arrested for staring at women's underware and went and browsed until I found some. Then knowing she would not want one with a disney figure on it (and yes I was in the womens not girls section), I eventually found two sets. One is a cotton tee shirt with some short shorts and the other more concervative with a button up top and knee length shorts.

Now they are in my car and the next thing is what to do next. Hmm. I will think on that.

The other thing that was interesting is that it is a long time since I have gone this long without sex. You may have read that I do not belive in masturbation. My wife though felt that she was doing the right thing by not only letting me have sex whenever I wanted it but ancouraging me to have sex as "relief". This would just make me feel weak but from her point of view, if I did not get sex then I got grumpy. Well its been almost a week and I have gotten grumpy a few times (as you have seen) but I have tried hard and so now almost a week into abstinance, I find my self with some interesting feelings.

The first is that I am thinking of her all the time. How is she going?, what is she doing? is she happy? I am looking forward to seeing her.

The next thing is the occasional wave of self doubt. Will I be able to do it. A sort of gee I had better use it or loose the ability if that makes sense. Its a weird feeling actually.

In the morning especially I am rock hard ready to go and in fact this morning, I found myself groping her so I took myself out of bed and did a few things. This also was to protect myself against wishing her to get interested in sex and by some miracle ask me for sex. She is rarely a sex in the morning person and with me having talked to her about abstinance and wanting to please her, she would, if I had tried to have had sex with her, she would have let me do it and then next time I talked about being submissive then she would have said something like sure until you want sex again. Maybe she would have told me to go have a cold shower. I would have liked her to do that but I did not want to push it or to test her like that even though it would have been great.

massage feels good

We probably all feel good receiving a massage but last night my wife agreed for me to massage her.

This is a bit of a milestone as in recent time, I have offered and she has declined. I had a look at the clock and it was 9:55pm. I wondered how long I could keep up the massage thing. I had read about subservient husband massaging for like 40 minutes and figured if I could manage 5 minutes I would be doing well.

She lay in bed on her tummy and I started on her back. It just massaged and was very careful not to "feel her up". She was wearing a nightie. From the time we were married, I basically made her wear skirts and dresses and not to wear pants so she sleeps in a nightie. I used to get turned on watching her in these short skimpy nighties and I would just grope her whenever I felt like it. No wonder she pulled away from me emotionally. No wonder she had declined the offers of a massage. Then I moved onto her feet and I she remained lying on her tummy. I just gently but firmly pushed and released and rubbed the balls of her feet. At one stage she apologised for not having washed her feet and I rather crudely said well you will forgive me if I don't lick them and later thinking wow if she wanted me to lick the dirt off then I would. Not something I would have done a year ago.

Anyway as I massaged I looked up her legs and at her bottom where because the nightie was short I could see her undies. I remembered making her wear this short nightie in front of our friends when we went to a pyjama party at the time revelling in her discomfort as all the other women wore long pants pyjamas and her she was in this skimpy baby doll outfit. There were many occasions like that. As I sat there massaging her feet I resolved that today I will go and buy her some pyjamas with pants as a symbol of my change of attitude.

This has been a sort of cathartic post. A confession in a way. To my wife I am sorry for the way I have treated you in the past. (I know that at present you do not know about this but one day I hope you will read it and forgive me)

On other topics, I did not attempt to discuss anything with her as recently that has just resulted in me blowing my stack and getting angry. I did not ask her for sex and just let her drift off to sleep. That way I hope she did not feel pressured to perform. She got to enjoy the massage no strings attached. I stayed in a submissive head space and I remember now that when I finished I looked at the clock 10:30 on the dot. 35 minutes. I am amazed at myself. How time flies when you're having fun.

emotional rollercoaster

I am still on an emotional rollercoaster.

I left work early and got home. Wife not home but some of the kids are home from school. Great opportunity.

Find the washing done and hung out. Beds un made. So brought in the washing. Made our bed and the younger kids beds. In fact doing this puts me in a real enjoyable head space. Did the washing up that seemed to have piled up and generally cleaned up the kitchen.

We had visitors in the evening and that was great.

Got into bed and I watched my wife as she got changed. I thought at the time, this is fun watching. Not realising that she was deliberately teasing because it was so subtle.

Started to talk and she drifted off to sleep. This made me angry again. I blew off so took myself out of the bed room before it got any worse. (So you have to endure my rant here). My main frustration is that just falling asleep seems lazy to me on her part.

Morning comes

Amazingly she awakes and we have a chat. I tell her I am sorry for losing my temper last night. I tell her it frustrates me that I loose control of myself. I tell her that I wish she would whip me. She says the kids are home. I say how about just a couple to see how noisy it is. She says that she cant do it.

We start to have a bit of a discussion about physical pain vs emotional pain.
and about me being a carrot and stick person. The carrot being emotional connectedness and the stick being some kind of punishment.

I talk about how a coach gets a person to rise above whatthey are capable of on their own. She says but a coach does not punish. I said well maybe they don't hit but they do punish. They will get you to do extra pushups or run longer or more laps or whatever.

She says that she is not my mother. I agree. I would never go to my mother and ask for punishment. I am an adult. But in this case I recognise some of my weaknesses and I want her to help me regain self control.

She suggests howabout the punishment be her telling me that I am not to cuddle her for a certain period of time. Yes I say that would be good.
Inside I am thinking YES YES YES. She is starting to get more confident.

Somewhere in the discussion she mentioned had I noticed the way she undressed the night before and I said yes I had enjoyed it and I apologised for not thanking her at the time. I think it was a bigger thing for her than for me actually. I think I am looking for her to do a stip tease with all the music and lights but that even doing a little flirt is emotionally hard for her.

This is a little disjointed.

Then today, I see she has sent out an email inviting her girlfriends to a coffee night without consulting me. My initial reaction was one of annoyance but then I remember that this is what I want. As I change my headspace I totally change my internal feelings. I feel sort of stimulated that she will do this.

OK so thats where we are today.

time

I think its time to calm down.
Step back
Rethink
Recharge.

It seems not unusual for there to be a period of iniial enthusiasm followed by a period of ..... nothingness.

Here are some sweeping generalisations
There are a lot of guys out there who look for some intimacy and connection with their wives.
The wives seem busy busy busy doing everything except engaging with their husbands.
There are many husbands who would do anything to support their wives. They cook & clean and do all the mundane tasks associated with keeping a home. But that does not seem to cut it with the wives.

OK so as far as me and my wife are concerned.
She seems to have no libido. Well almost none.
She is not into any sort of kinky sexual stuff at all. It seems to me that if she suspects its kinky then she turns off.
She does not want to lead in the bed room.
She does not want to be lead in the bed room.
Or anywhere else for that matter.

Feel my frustration.

I think I will try to chill out for a bit and see what opportunities open up.

Return to earth

This is what I would like to say to her.

We are in bed before 9:30pm. This is good I think but my initial optimisim soon takes a turn down hill and now I find myself once again at the keyboard feeling like crap.

Having had a great Friday, Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night out, Sunday at Church and Sunday afternoon, I now for the first time this weekend really feel down.

What is my value I find myself saying once again to myself. Sure you are tired. But that did not stop you finding the energy to stay up half the night at a party on Saturday night or to contnue at your festival on Sunday. But come home and within a few minutes of hopping into bed, you are incoherent and drifting off to sleep.

I guess I should just remind myself of my servile position. A position of irrelevancy. Before you drifted off too sleep you admitted that you had not read the private blog since last Wednesday. Once a friggin week. Cripes you wear out the keyboard on face book and your email. WTF did you do all day Friday that you did not get a chance to read my private blog to you?

Now for my own sanity as much as anything, I am offering you the opportunity to take control. But you have to take control. You can have control in the bedroom, the family whatever. Psychologically I can not handle being ignored. You want to drift off to sleep and leave me abandoned on my own then I will end up looking elsewhere for love.
BE WARNED. When I leave do not say that you did not see it coming BE ******* WARNED.

Well that's what I would like to say.

So I blow off steam here and feel down and then I can go to bed and wake up in the morning and have another go with a more positive attitude and a smile on my face.

BTW, the blog I refer to is a private blog where I have been trying to outline what I feel and would like to do. Somewhat less honest than here in that it is more just about trying to get her to understand what I feel and what I would like to do wrt sex and submission.

plastic treat

My wife is away this weekend. She left Saturday morning and took two of our kids to her parents place. I thought I was to be looking after two of our kids but some of the guys from our church were having a boys night and she said I should go to that on Saturday night so both of the kids that were to stay at home ended up sleeping over at various friends houses.

Anyway I get home round midnight and when I lift the pillow on the bed to retrieve my pyjamas (Boxer shorts and a Tee shirt) I find that over the bottom sheet she has made the bed with a plastic mattress protector. Now I had bought this a while back probably four or more years ago and tried to convince her to have it on the bed under our sheet. Even though she actually has the same type of plastic mattress protectors on all the kids beds including our 14yo's she refused to have it on our bed. Citing that we were adults and that it was too hot and noisy and so even though we have fitted it a couple of times it has only been for example to have sex on. An indulgence for me.

As I have said before in this bog, she will do things for me. Indulge me. From time to time. And this it seems is what she is doing now.

I had been mentioning that I would like to spice up our sex life. Actually I was suggesting each time that I be submissive to her and that this could be fun. We could try her taking the lead in the bed room to see how she liked it as a way of introducing the topic. I had not even mentioned plastic in over a year I guess. Having long since given up mentioning it because she did not like it and even though she would indulge me, she clearly did not enjoy it and so it would just kill the mood so much.

So anyway here she has indulged me again.

Under the pillow were no pyjamas but there was a hand written note. "Sleep nude. No relief. Leave it on all night. Take it off in the morning."

I am so happy. I am so turned on.

She has taken in what I have been saying about masturbation and that men do not need it.

I guess she is away so will escape any grumpyness that I may emanate. She says that when I don't get it, that I get grumpy.

Anyway it did not make for a good nights sleep. I am nude. It is Hot and sticks to me and if I lay on my tummy, too much temptation to thrust. It crinkles and is noisy when I move and sticks to me. So now I have given up and although having arrived home at midnight, I have gotten up early to write this, have a shower and then do some inside cleaning and tidying. I will probably have a rest after church.

Thank you dearest. I love you. (One day I hope you will read this)

Under Pressure

I cant sleep so I got up early and read this post

http://sheisincharge.blogspot.com/2010/11/different-approach.html?

It is about the pressure that submissive men put on their wives.

This is something that my wife has mentioned to me. She says that it is hard fer her to get turned on when she knows that that is the only thing. She wants me to be happy and that is why she offers me quickies and if she knows that all I want is for her to cum then there is a pressure to perform that kills the mood. Like trying too hard.

So I have to work on this.

Communication last night

She offered me a quickie last night.

I declined.

Had a brief but pleasant conversation where I said that I would like her really to take the lead in the bed room. I said I felt that I enjoyed getting her to cum but that too many quickies just make me feel weak especially if she is giving them to me so I get "relief" so I don't get grumpy.

I said I would like to use my sexual energy to do things for her.

So we did not have sex. I am a bit aroused writing this but at the same time, wishing she understood more. Maybe that is what I am looking for - Understanding.

Wife is away this weekend

My wife is going away this weekend to visit her parents.

She is taking some of the children and I am looking after others.

I am going to try to focus my mind on three things.

Doing things with the kids

Doing home cleaning

Doing home maintenance

I distinguish between cleaning and maintenance because cleaning would have once been considered 'women's work' and maintenance would have been considered 'man's' work. I know she likes me to be a man and I do not see being submissive to somehow mean abdicating from being a man. I also know she likes me to do the maintenance and I am slack at it and some times she gets plumbers and gardners and what have you in. So I am going to make a list and just work my way through it. The other commitment to my self is not to turn the TV on at all and I am telling the kids who are staying with me that the TV is to stay off and if they want to watch TV to go to the grandparents place. That way we will have less grumpy behaviour on their part and I wont waste time being sucked in by some mindless rubbish and so I can focus on getting things donw.

The end reward is much better.

Watch TV - Enjoy it while its on. -> feel like wasted time after.

Chores - Actually now I enjoy doing them while I am doing them (New head space) -> Feel good after.

List-

Mow lawn, Trim edges, trim a few trees.

Clean garage and storage area.

Tidy up outside toys.

Take rubbish to the dump.

Fix light above hot plates.

Fix bathroom door handle

Clean bath room and kitchen and verandah

Sort out linen cupboard.

Trying to communicate

I think one of the biggest hurdles that my wife and I have is communication.

Probably as a result of a few negative reactions from me. I will try to get a conversation going and then get angry when it does not go the way I want. So the end result is that we do not sit down and discuss thing. Sometimes I talk but from my point of view, she just clams up.

Last night though we managed a few sentences back and forth.

At one stage she commented that maybe I was looking for teenage infatuation. You know that love lust where all you can think of is the other person. I said "maybe I was and that what's wrong with being be so totally focussed on the other person".

She then said that "things change as you get older".

I said yes it seems that we get futher and further apart but should that be the case? Sure have other interests but in our marriage service it was declared the two have become one.

So a real issue I have to deal with is my temper. Not that I have ever punched anyone but I have gotten grumpy a few times and shouted at her a few times and stormed off in may car in a bad mood. See Cathardic expression. Get it out. Identify the problem and then start to deal with it.

Now we did have another small conversation last night where I apologised for getting angry yesterday morning at home.

I said that I was sorry and she said we live in fear of your temper. I said I don't like loosing my temper. I said I want to change but I do not seem to be able to. I said I want there to be a consequence for me and I think that you whipping me would be a good consequence.

She said that she could not do that. That doing that would be as hard as enduring my bad temper.

Hmm.

Have to think on this.

Because I do want her to be happy.
I do want her to not be afraid of my temper.
I do want to be consistent.
I do not wish to loose my temper. It does not make me feel good. Nor does it make her feel good.

just 2 tim tams

My wife and I play some social sport and tonight I scored two goals.

When we got home, I was feeling a bit tired but I have to go out to get our 14yo. My wife offered me me tea or coffee but I declined because coffee would keep me awake all night and I would be half a sleep tomorrow. A few minutes later she appeared with a hot chocolate and two tim tams. I felt a tad guilty about her waiting on me but got right into the chocolate.

When I was done I sat back but you know once you start on chocolate .....

So I said to her "How about another tim tam for the road"

and she said with a smile "how many goals did you score"

A discussion with the wife

Well last night I had a bit of a discussion with the wife.
I believe that communication is a big hurdle.
Also she does not have a kinky bone in her body.

I think that Having one fetish, irrespective of what it is, I believe makes a person open and understand others even though they may have a totally different fetish. But if you have no fetish of any kind then it is impossible or maybe very very hard to understand a fetish.

The second thing is that whereas men are driven by their sex drive and I think for the most part recognise that and recognise that they need to distinguish between sex deive driven action and socially acceptable activities. Women on the other hand, as a sweeping generalisation, do not have that drive but at times engage in behaviours that are well motivated but are obsessive and in more extreme cases can be unintentionally abusive.

Let me try and give an example or two. Using kids to try to make it pretty darn obvious here. A man may abuse a girl and it is pretty darn clear the line between abuse and OK behaviour. Pat a girl (child) on her back - OK. Put your hand on her thigh - Abuse. Now I have heard women discussing with each othergetting their kids put on ADHD drugs. Almost trying to out do each other. One woman I heard say "I had to take [little darling] to four doctors before I could get him on [unpronoucible behaviour modification drug]"and the other mothers were just allover each other with similar stories and none of them seemed to see that this was just plain weird.

But what does all that mean. Well what I am trying to do is to get my wife to actually recognise and think about her behaviours. Not that they are necessarilly abusive but to think rather than just do on autopilot.

Now it is not that she does not think at all. Sometimes she does do things just for my pleasure. Like giving me a quicke. But I guess it seems to me that she has certain ingrained concervative attitudes.

So that is why I am on the lookout for movies that are just a little bit kinky. I thank those who suggested movies with male sub, female dom scenes but these were mainstream movies. I may still point these things out to her but I was looking for a movie that would be just into the kinky side ie almost mainstream but maybe soft soft porn if that is the way to consider it. Also that is why I am on the lookout to meet someone with a kink. I am not looking to bring some doniatrix clad in shiny black vynal over to meet my wife (much as my wife dressing like that would turn me on) but that would just totally freak her out (that I would even consider wanting her to dress like that although she actually knows that I would like that. She would see that as me pressurising her). What would be ideal would be Mr & Mrs ordinary where they are just a bit further down the road to this submission thing.

Anyway those are the thoughts for the day.

Other Blogs

It is fascinating to read other peoples blogs.

It is also interesting to note just how many men seem to be similar to me. The craving for intimacy and attention from their wife. A willingness to do anything for their wife and yet at the same time a feeling of unwantedness and aloneness.

There are some who seem to have really gotten it together. Where the wife is willing and able to be involved. To me the benefits are obvious but I guess women are very very complicated beings. I would love to hear from women here too. Of any persuasion dominant , submissive, middle of the road. However they describe themselves.

There seems to be a trend where there is initial enthusiasm and eventually people drift to a position of boring self absorbed middle ground. It seems to me that for some reason, the girls get tired of being dominant. ?????

I would also love to one day meet a woman in real life who is either overtly dominant or submissive and especially if they are both Christian and into BDSM. I would love to sit down with them and my wife over a meal and have her talk about her experiences and thoughts.

church leader

As I sat in Church this morning with my daughter by my side, I looked at the dais and I was so proud of my wife as she stood at the microphone leading the church in song. She does this so well. She is a natural.

Our church has a female paster too. I muse to my self in a day dreamy type of way that some churches are up tight about about the man - woman thing. Yet here we have a church where man and women are being lead and taught by women. Nothing to do with anything kinky just that they are good organisers and competent leaders.

In the bible it talks about being made in the image of God. But given the bible was written by men (inspired by God) and considering the propensity of our species for self promotion, it is fairy unlikely that the good Lord is him/her/it's self is blessed with genitals of any sort.

She then came and sat with me and that was great. Nothing like being associated with greatness.

Collection time came and she reached for her purse and pulled out a $50 note and then reached in and pulled out a second $50 note and said I thought we would give this to make up for last week. Now I am supposed to be focussing on God here but all I can think about is how she has taken the lead here. Firstly she made all the decisions but used the word WE. She chose to give $50 and then another $50. Money I earned. She spent in a way she chose.

Then she hopped up and sang a solo accompanied by the organist. I was thinking women leading and smiled as I realised that the organist was a male. The organ supporting the singing.

Now note that in saying this bit about the male organist and he is supporting. In a way this is submissive. But he is competent. She chose the song. He plays the tune. He has skill. Submission is not about loosing your mind.

At the end, one of the other guys comments to me about how competent my wife is and it just reinforces what I already know but it was nice to hear.

Decisions Decisions

There are some decision that I just do not like making.

On Friday, my wife sends me this email (names changed to protect the guilty)

Hello dear,

The [band] have their last Bris gig [date] at the[venue].

1pm or 8pm shows

Groups 10+ $$$(or $$$$ full price)

[eldest child 14yo] is interested and would like to bring some friends.

Last year [list of friends names], and others came too. [name] was supposed to come.

Mum & Dad may be interested.

Would you like to come?

What time?

How many tickets should I book?

I do not even want to think about such decision. Social calender is her domain.

I just want her to tell me that I am going to this event or I am looking after the kids.

Friday Night

Well its Friday night.

The wife is out.

I have kids to look after and a kitchen to clean.

So domestic.

Being a typical guy - driven with a one track mind, my personal challenge is to see how clean I can make the kitchen.

Submissive Sex

Last night we were lying in bed and nothing much was hapening. I was turned on (as always) and she was reading.

She said "would you like a quickie"

Now a teen boy may jump at a girl who offers raw sex. No strings attached. But right now, that just not do it for me.

I said "I enjoy it when you cum"

"I'm a slow oven" she says.

I said "We can take the time to warm you up"

She goes back to her reading and I feel frustrated. I want to talk. She just does not understand.

I say to no one in partuicular "Why should I have a quickie"

"you need it" she says. Otherwise you get grumpy.
and here I am developing that grumpy feeling. I can feel myself getting grumpy and I don't like it.

So I say in one long speach
"I don't need sexual release. I need intimacy, love, attention.
I get enjoyment from just getting you to cum.
I would like to take the time to get you turned on.
I get turned on by the idea of you controlling when I cum.
I would like to be able to hold off until you cum rather than just have release.
Release sounds so weak."
There ended the speach and I think she detected a note of frustration in my voice.

Off to sleep we both went.

In the morning, she got up and went to the toilet and came back to bed, locking the bedroom door on the way.
I am instantly awake. This is a good sign.
She climbed into bed.
She reached down under the covers and pulled off my boxers.
This is good. I am getting hard by the second.
She pulled off her panties and rolled on top of me and started to push herself on.
I asked if she would like some lube (we keep that for when she gives me a quickie. Shows how not turned on she often is).
She declines the lube and keeps rubbing and working her way on.
I am on my back.
She is on top.
I am so so close to cumming but I hold off.
She moves and moves and I am worrying two ways. That she wont cum at all and get frustrated and that I will loose control and cum.
Finally she cums and relaxes on top of me.
Ahh that was so nice I am thinking.

Then she says, "Roll me over and lets deal with you" (meaning me).
I said "Don't let me cum. Make me hold off".
She said "I am about to get my period. It will be a whole week"
I said "tease me"
she said "Its not worth it, you just get grumpy"
I said "tease me. Have some fun"
So she pulled off and rolled over.

And that my friends is how I started my day today.

The secretary

I surupticously watched a movie called the secretary last night.

I had seen it discussed around the place and though it would be interesting to see. Now there is some risk here in that it is male domiant female submissive and of course I am the other way round. But anyway my observations were

I have some of her (the submissivies) traits.

When she gets stressed, she self harms. Well I don't do that but I do go check to my blog to see in anyone has commented. Or go look at a video on line of someone being whipped or such.

There is a scene where the secretary is on the phone to a telemarketer and cant say no and listens to the banter and tries to be polite. Well that is sort of me.

There is another scene where she says that she wants to be the best secretary that she can be and that is certainly me. When I put my mind to doing something, then I try to do it the very best that it can be done.

Now one of the reasons I watched the video was that I want to find something gentle to do with D&s to show my wife. This is though not it though. Starting showing the sub with some kind of rod holding her arms outstretched was silly. At the end of the movie maybe but not suitable for showing my concervative middle of the road wife. She would probably think I wanted to do that to her.

I also thought the guy was a dweeb. There was a time in the movie when it all looked good. He spanked her to make her focus- OK. He instructed her not to self harm and she didn't - OK but then he just seemed to ignore her. She was desparate for him and he was not there for her.

I can understand him loosing his nerve but it seemed to me he was just a dweeb.

So I am looking for a movie to show my wife.

The only one that she has seen that was a little out of left field was "Eyes Wide Shut" with Nicole Kidman in it. There was a scene with two girls kissing and I think a few people tied up. My wife did get truned on by the two girls kissing. So as you can see she is pretty middle of the road.

So any suggestions of movies is greatly appreciated.

Competent Men

Here is an interesting article by James May of Top Gear fame.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/31/james-may-diy

I was taken by these paragraphs

"I sense a change in the national mood: men don't want to be hopeless any more, and women – well, they are fed up with the notion of beer-swilling blokes who just watch the football all afternoon. They don't want us to be useless: they want us to have a bit more clout and be a bit more dependable."

I agree. Women want men to be strong, competent and dependable.
The article in its self does not deal with the idea of men being submissive but it does point out that men are good at tinkering. Single minded task oriented and not so social.

To me this dovetails nicely with women who are social, multi tasking and often have a more rational overview of relationships and life in general.

So as a man, I enjoy the tinkering, the DIY, the practical stuff. I have no desire to be hopeless. To me being submissive does not equate to being incompetent or wimpy.

I am happy to leave the socialisation and organising the social calender to my wife. When she decides then I implement. If the tap is leaking, then I fix it. If the car needs servicing, then I take care of it. I would like to take it further. She needs a drink, I fetch it. She wants a foot massage, I oblige.

Could work for both of us.

And what I would like is that if I am very good then I get sex
If I am just OK then nothing hapens. (certainly not sex)
And if I am bad I would like there to be a punishment. In may case I have fanticised about her whipping me.

We will see.