emotional rollercoaster

I am still on an emotional rollercoaster.

I left work early and got home. Wife not home but some of the kids are home from school. Great opportunity.

Find the washing done and hung out. Beds un made. So brought in the washing. Made our bed and the younger kids beds. In fact doing this puts me in a real enjoyable head space. Did the washing up that seemed to have piled up and generally cleaned up the kitchen.

We had visitors in the evening and that was great.

Got into bed and I watched my wife as she got changed. I thought at the time, this is fun watching. Not realising that she was deliberately teasing because it was so subtle.

Started to talk and she drifted off to sleep. This made me angry again. I blew off so took myself out of the bed room before it got any worse. (So you have to endure my rant here). My main frustration is that just falling asleep seems lazy to me on her part.

Morning comes

Amazingly she awakes and we have a chat. I tell her I am sorry for losing my temper last night. I tell her it frustrates me that I loose control of myself. I tell her that I wish she would whip me. She says the kids are home. I say how about just a couple to see how noisy it is. She says that she cant do it.

We start to have a bit of a discussion about physical pain vs emotional pain.
and about me being a carrot and stick person. The carrot being emotional connectedness and the stick being some kind of punishment.

I talk about how a coach gets a person to rise above whatthey are capable of on their own. She says but a coach does not punish. I said well maybe they don't hit but they do punish. They will get you to do extra pushups or run longer or more laps or whatever.

She says that she is not my mother. I agree. I would never go to my mother and ask for punishment. I am an adult. But in this case I recognise some of my weaknesses and I want her to help me regain self control.

She suggests howabout the punishment be her telling me that I am not to cuddle her for a certain period of time. Yes I say that would be good.
Inside I am thinking YES YES YES. She is starting to get more confident.

Somewhere in the discussion she mentioned had I noticed the way she undressed the night before and I said yes I had enjoyed it and I apologised for not thanking her at the time. I think it was a bigger thing for her than for me actually. I think I am looking for her to do a stip tease with all the music and lights but that even doing a little flirt is emotionally hard for her.

This is a little disjointed.

Then today, I see she has sent out an email inviting her girlfriends to a coffee night without consulting me. My initial reaction was one of annoyance but then I remember that this is what I want. As I change my headspace I totally change my internal feelings. I feel sort of stimulated that she will do this.

OK so thats where we are today.