She wants me to cum

Here's the thing.  It seems that when we have sex, she is happy to have me masturbate her a couple of times but then wants us to cum together.

That is good and bad.  Good because I get release.  Bad because release in my mind anyway is associated with weakness.

I already suffer from a feeling of inadequacy that has lead me to become submissive to her.  Now I do not see submissive as in its self as being weak.  Actually I have always felt that submissive could be either strong or weak.  Weak being beaten into submission and strong being the person who puts aside their own personal aspirations in favour of their partner.  A person who consciousiosly make the decision to do this and puts effort into it.

Anyway she is away for a couple of weeks.  So I have the choice.  Do I masturbate or do I abstain.
Initially I felt "well she does not seem to care" so pretty much as soon as she left I ended up masturbating.  Then I felt weak.

So I am back writing here as I try to resist.

You know I think that I need her or someone to say yes or no.  I find that a turn on and also a support for my weakness.  In ability to self control.  Perhaps a bit like a coach who is able to get an athlete to put in more effort and achieve more that they ever could on their own.  On the other hand, I suspect that she actually may not feel complete if she has not brought me to orgasm.  I suspect that she sees that as the wife's role.  I think she feels we have a closer connection when we cum together.  Mind you most of the time she has no interest in sex and will simply let me do it to her 'as release'.

As I clean the house, I put myself in that subbie head space or is it the domestic head space.
I write some more here.
I would love to talk more with her and let her know that teasing me and denying me gives me attention and helps me to feel strong in two ways - the physical way that I just described and emotionally as in she can be bothered to spend time with me.

We have a strange relationship at present.

It seems she has really lost interest in me.  I believe that this is not uncommon with married women once the kids are at school.