A depressing conversation

I had a conversation with my wife last night as we lay in bed together.

We discussed sex and she made it clear that she did not like the BDSM thing that I do.  (I think she just does what she does to me to humor me or because she loves me).

This is the jist of what turns her on or gets her turned on.
A calm household.  No arguing children.  No fighting with the children.
Candle light
Tickling on the shoulder
Plain old fashioned sex with one on top and one under and both coming together.  Use lubricant if required.

So to gain a little clarification I asked a few questions.
 
It is my undersatnding that she and others think that I jump to conclusions and pigeon hole what people say to me.  That I assume I know what they have said and in an attempt to do that I categorise or file it in my mind in an existing storage location if that makes sense.  Several people have told me essentially the same thing.

So I thought the thing to do is ask questions and to feed back what I thought I heard.

Asking questions seemed to get interpreted as "You did not listen to what I said"
and
Feeding back seemed to get interpreted by her as "You are telling me what I think"
So I felt Stuffed.

I was going to say I felt fucked but I think I would like to consider "I felt fucked" to be "wow that was mind blowingly good"

So now how to turn this to the good.
There are too few hours in ones life to spend them all sulking.  I've done the sulk.  Its early in the morning, I am sitting at the beach, got a coffee, the sun is rising over the eastern horizon, the sky is blue and the clouds are whispy.

So I look at her list,  Pathetically short as it maybe
I note that and I tried to clarify it by engaging in some of that frustrating questioning that she does not even start thinking about sex until the shoulder touching or some other physical act by me.  So she does not come into the bed room thinking "I will tease him and strip tease, nore does she come into the bed room hoping that he (me) will try to turn her on.  It's simply come into the bed room, get into PJ's and get into bed.  I would say 99.9999% of the time she is either a) thinking of sleep, b) thinking of all the things she organsises and has to do or c) not thinking just doing.

So what can I do?
Well getting back to that list
Kids arguing - OK I will try there but as she has such control over the house I find that particularly hard.  We never throw anything out so their rooms are full of clutter.  Desks are covered in crap.  There is no room to play.  Clothes.  OK I will try to ensure that clothes are folded and put away. 
Maybe engage in that feminine way of simply doing.  Live with the short term consequences of her anoyance.  So clothes that the kid no longer wants might simply disapear.  No point in asking her because she wont throw them out.  At best they will go into a bag to give to someone.  There are three bags of clothes that grace our front hall that I am sure are designated for someone or other.

Candles - I will move a candle into our bed room.  I think it will have to have a tall candle stand.  We have a dressing table.  Her side is 800mm high in clothes.  My side is 25mm high of junk.  I will clear my side.

So there I have a couple of ACTIONS.

Couple this with trying to keep the kitchen clean.  She does most of the cooking but I will try to make sure that the kitchen is clean.  Think I will in the post christmas sales buy a dishwasher and install it.  I think for these things I will give up for a while asking questions and just "do".  I suspect that she finds thinking about and answering trivial questions to actually be streessful.  I know that when she asks me those sort of questions I find it stressful.