This dawned on me last night.  We lay in bed and had a chat.

I said: <wife> often talks about equality.

I asked her to think of our married friends.  For each couple who out of the couple is the dominant one.

Here are <wife's>answers and I agree 100%


Couple A - Wife
Couple B - Husband
Couple C - Husband
Couple D - Wife

<Wife> commented with words something like "I never knew I had to be submissive"

So what this says to me is that within a marriage,  Equality seems to not be the norm.  It seems that we end up with a dominant partner and a submissive partner.

Is that good or bad?
Don't know.

Maybe the problem we had was two dominant personalities.

 At the start of the marriage I tried to be the dominant one and hence her comment "I never knew I had to be submissive".

Initially I took on an overtly dominant position and forced myself on her and she resisted but capitulated from time to time.  Over time that took its toll on me.  She withdrew and busied herself elsewhere and I felt neglected.

When I look on the net, I find stories about how to keep a marraige together.

Irrespective of what type of marriage - Christian, secular, kinky, whatever the common thread is that both partners are very deliberate in expressing love for the other and both partners are basically in awe of each other.  They see their partner as the very best.  In our case I feel ignored or neglected.


Recently I have given up and basically taken the position OK you lead and I will be submissive. 

But I need to you lead.