A little secret sub sex

In a (for the moment) surprising turn of events last night the wife offered sex.

As a bit of background, she will be out of town for a few days.  She is also obviously aware that I tend to get a bit moody or depressed.  So maybe that was a motivator.

We had hugged and kissed and that was great for me.
I asked what I could do for her and she said that she was OK.
I actually find that in its self a downer.  I have to just let it go.

As we lie in bed, I am torn between a few things
1. Wanting a close intimate relationship
2. Wanting sex in a physical sense.
3. Wanting her to feel love for me
4. Wanting tease and titillation, denial and so on.

So she played with me.  touching and stroking as well as pinching my nipples hard.  The pain brings pleasure and waves of submissiveness wash over me.  I get rock hard.  so nice.

Anyway she lay on her back and told me to get my pants off.  So taking the line of 'do what I am told' obviously coupled with this being sex and also it's physically close touching. 

The really nice thing was once I was inside her she had us roll over and she worked herself up.  It is pretty hard for her to reach orgasm.  Any little distraction puts an end to it.  I've learned that the most helpful thing I can do is put my hands on her bum and leave them there.  Not talk.  Move to assist but lying still is better than too much attempted help on my part.

Then she came.

For me that was great.

She then wanted us to roll over so I was on top and for and me to cum.  I tried to engage her in denying me but she is just not into it.

At one stage, she just lay there with her hands beside her while I was humping away.  I was on edge but I guess these unmet desires for denial and so on were messing with me plus I guess getting older plus the feeling that being on top is somehow kind of wrong.  Anyway when she just lay there I went into this transcend sort of sub space where I imagined being her and having to be totally submissive and just lying there having been instructed by a male dominant that he wanted sex.  Pretty mixed up but anyway.  I guess one of the interesting things for me was that I did not imagine myself as the dominant.  I did not orgasm with feelings of power or being able to get this woman to just lie there.  Anyway that's the report for today.

Why the madness

The shooting in Florida.  I wonder why the madness.  Why do people seek to impose their will by violence on others.

My sympathies and thoughts go out to those affected.

I understand that there are people in this world who hold different views to me but what drives them to want to exert their will by violence and yet I don't.  Like my thing is that I'm OK with you being different to me.  I don't wish to force you to be like me and I don't wish to kill you if you don't agree with me.  I don't understand why for others though they wish to kill those who are different from them.

My thoughts then go to all those other victims of violent crime all over the world that we don't hear about.  The Florida massacre is all over our news but there are killings every day all over the world and mostly we don't hear about them.  My heart goes out to those people and their families too.

Then I think "I really don't want to know".  I know that sounds weak and an excuse but too much of this just gets me down.  I wish for a peaceful world and a peaceful world for all.

Movie - The Intern

Just saw the movie "The Intern".

Old guy gets a internship with a company that sells to women on the internet.  It's a start up with tones of energy run by a competent, young, energetic young woman.  The old guy is assigned to work for her. 

 First half great.  Second half ho hum. 

She is over busy and has not learned to delegate.

At home, stay at home dad is uber supportive.  Does not tell her how to run the business.  Does support her.  Loves keeping house and looking after the kid and we discover that pre kid he had been successful (in marketing I think).  So in my view really doing the stay at home husband role well.

At home he has an affair - I thought this was a necessary and obvious sub plot to include.  I thought the movie handled it poorly.  At the kink level, I wanted her to overtly insist on his chastity and give him a dam good whipping.  At the very least, given it was a mainstream movie, they should have addressed the "she is too tired for sex" issue.

It would have tied in well with the work story line where she was over her head and needed to learn to delegate.  She was way too busy and disconnected.  In my view the business had grown past her and she needed to have a growth spurt and get on top of it again and that only comes through delegation

The end is weak as - he suddenly fades, takes heart? pills and goes back to palates in the park - How weak was that. 

Submissive response to deal with internal frustration and anger

It's raining cats and dogs.  Bucketing down.  I love the sound of rain on a tin roof.  I find it relaxing and intimate.  Snuggling weather.  getting close and getting aroused.

So we are in bed, listening to the rain, snuggled up.  I ask if I can touch her breasts.  She says yes.  I gently slide my hand up under her pyjama top ( & tee shirt that she has under it) and gently caress her breast.  I find that nice.  I wish she did but ...anyway.... 

Then I remove my hand and start with one hand to unbutton her pyjama top. 
She snaps "What are you unbuttoning for" ?
Oops.  I have not asked.  She likes to be in control.
I can feel the anger rising inside me.
Why the fuck can't she just let go.  just go with it.  Let things flow. 
But she can't. 
She hadn't given permission.  It was outside of her control and she did not like it and marked the boundary.

I rolled from my side snuggled up beside her to my back and just lay there. 
Trying to calm myself.  I really really do not want this to end up with me blowing my stack out of frustration and spoiling the day for both of us.

I retreat into a submissive state of mind.
Let her be in control.  Let her run the activities.

And thankfully she does.
She strokes my penis and I go hard.
After a time she rolls on top of me.  Then reaches across to the bedside table and takes out a plastic bag and puts some baby oil in it.  She puts that over my penis and starts to masturbate me.  At the same time she pinches one nipple then the other.  She knows I like this.  Long slow strokes from the top of my penis right to the bottom and back up.  Nice and tight.  Interspersed with the pain of one nipple or the other being squeezed.  She kisses me on the lips and we play tongues. 
I cum oooh oh oh oh and she keeps massaging my penis and the orgasm fires and fires.  It's exhausting and I am spent.  We both lie and relax.

Naturally I ponder the dynamic.

Sub Driving

I watched a movie (I think) called "The Duke of Burgundy".  I found it pretty boring and skipped chunks of it.  There was a kinky flavour to it and so of course more interest than I otherwise would have had.

The jist is that there seemed to be two female lovers.  One was sub and the other effectively foisted into the position of dom.  An interesting parallel with my marriage.  The difference being that the dom character in the movie put some effort into the dom role whereas my wife does not.  more later.

Some titillating scenes, the sub has been instructed to clean th dom's boots but stops and is told off by the dom.  The sub escalates by stopping again and bring her stoppedness to the doms attention because what the sub wants is punishment.

Another scene involved them trying to buy a bed where there is a box section under where the sub can be placed.  the sub character is keen on being forced in.  The dom character is really more vanilla and really just wants the sub character to lie in bed with her.  They are unable to get the bed in time for the sub's birthday (was to be a birthday present) due to manufacturing lead times and the lady selling the bed suggests that they could supply a 'human toilet' construction.  The dom character excuses herself and in hindsight I suspect the thought appalled her.  Later the sub finds a coffin sized box and that is brought up to the bed room.  Then we see the sub is put to bed in it.  Tied up and locked in but in the middle of the night she makes a racket and gets the dom character to open up and un tie her.  When the dom asks if she is alright she says "It was just a mosquito". 

So misunderstanding of roles by the dom who in my opinion, having established that the sub is  driving the show and has disturbed the doms sleep, the dom should have whipped the sub and put her back in the box until she was really freaked out.  ie punish 'till it goes past sub enjoyment (but not past safe).

Back to reality and I had one of those fruitless train wreck conversations with my wife.  I asked if she was enjoying being the leader.  She said this was one of the fundamental differences between us that she did not think there needed to be an identified leader and that we should work as a team.  Whereas, in my view, she is unequivocally the leader.  She just does not vocalise it.  I [made the mistake] of pointing out that we are all subject to authority above us and most of us have people who are under us.  There is a chain of command.  She, in my view, just does not acknowledge that.  I also notes several of our friends where one partner or the other is very obviously the dominant or leading partner.  One where the wife is very much "in charge" and the other where the wife is to a degree submitted to her husband.  More in big decisions that day to day stuff but still she takes her lead from him. 

In the end the jist of it is that like in the move, the sub (me) is driving the agenda and she (the dom) is not liking it and does not get into it.