A bit more positive

So last night, sunday night, supposed to be "date night".  Finally got kids to bed and the date can begin.  We got into bed.  She snuggled up to me and went to sleep.  Ugh!.

Mindful of the need not to explode at her.
Feeling low.
Was already feeling low from the mornings interaction.
Took myself off to the spare room.

Slept the night.  Woke up at 1am and got angry thinking about everything.  Fitful sleep.  Got up early and went to the gym.  Finally felt 'clear'.

Came home and she was willing to chat for a few minutes.  I was very glad to hear that she had done some searching on line about getting beck together.  All uber vanilla Christian web sites.  Well three anyway.

The emphasis on showing affection and her take was that she needed to make more effort to "show affection"  which is true.   I need to see it and feel it and in my darkest hours when talking to our mutual friends they point out that she does not in general show affection nor talk to them about feelings.  Now that sounds all good and sort of objective or scientific but when one is feeling down, logic is out the window and I just want a hug (or a dam good spanking).

At one stage in the conversation, she mentioned that "showing affection" meant holding hands, being together, hugging , kissing and so on. She said one web site had included sex but that another hadn't. 

So of course we were onto one of my favourite topics and so I said that for me engaging in abstinence was to provide space.  So neither of us would expect sex.  I would not get frustrated and angry when things did not lead to sex and she would not feel obligated to provide sex.

Now I may have done a bad thing but I said that I had woken at 1am to go the toilet and could not get back to sleep and that I then festered about our relationship.  We have previously agreed that for the next three days when she works, that I will not wake her by snuggling up to her in the middle of the night and not ask her to engage in sexual titillation, stroking etc.  So I said to her that I was planning on wearing a nappy so that I can avoid getting up and therefore waking up.  So I have probably just made myself even more unattractive to her.