What is worse I wonder:
a) Me shouting at her in the middle of the night.
b) Her falling asleep on me when I am talking
?


Tonight after her work dinner that I attended with her at her request,  I confessed that I had masturbated and she said that [as punishment] she would not touch me. - Quite reasonable.  I need a 'cost'.  I would prefer a whipping.  Harder than one that I would find titillating but she is not comfortable doing that.  OK


She then asked if I really wanted to do this and I tried to explain why.  She fell asleep. (That is a big negative for me.  The message I take home is she does not care)


What I tried to say was that:-
1.  Women and libido and sex -
It seems that after a while many women loose their sex drive.  If they are married they may feel obligated to give their husbands sex.  As I understand it they can come at this from two head-spaces.  Either
from a head space or belief position where this is a sacrifice that they have to make to maintain the peace or out of obligation.  This head-space was mentioned in a SBS TV program we watched and was given a name something like sacrificial sex or mater sex.  In this the woman goes through with it but each time she dies a little inside.  The experience basically is a negative for her.
OR
From a head-space where this is a joyous sacrifice made by the wife for her husband.  This is the head-space position that many fundamentalist christian women come at sex.  In that they feel a reward for making the sacrifice and for some the bigger the sacrifice (ie dealing with pain or embarrassment) the bigger the reward.


I think my wife is in the former head-space --> that is sex is unrewarding and a little of her dies each time.


2.  So I went looking for a way to progress our relationship.  (I have tried and failed over the last few years a lot)


3.
The first thing to realise is that she is by far the dominant partner in this relationship.


Although she runs some defensive behaviours and some self protective behaviours that imply an underlying fear or self doubt (such as the over provisioning of the kitchen), In general she is very much in-charge.  She is very controlling.


This frustrated me no end.  As someone who used to be, or try to be,  "In charge" I would come up against  her and it would lead to grief.  The end result would be days if not weeks of depression for me.


So I figured a way to progress this was for me to become the submissive partner.


I found that firstly this can reduce the tension.  Submissive in the sense of just give up.  Things that drive me mad, I would just shrug my shoulders and say to myself I give up.  Being late for example.  It's late because she is late.  Deep breath and try hard to say nothing and if I take a "I give up" metal position then it was so much easier to just sit there waiting and relax rather than get angry.


In a way, try to take on a mindset like wife did in the surrended wife book.


3.
I found that many web sites and blogs promoted sexual abstinence by at least the male.
Some promoted that the woman should abstain others encouraged the woman to have sex although those would say that she should have sex when she felt like it.  Some women reported that once the pressure to have sex was lifted they started to regain their libido.


A metaphor -  when a person looses their sight, then the other senses become more highly attuned.  When the male orgasm is off the table then the couple have to look for other ways to be intimate.
Holding hands, saying nice things to each other, petting, kissing, snuggling, doing things together.


Pretty much without exception, any web site promoting any form of sexual orgasmic abstinence also promoted the importance of  spending time together and consciously looking for ways to be intimate.  Half an our a day.  Success is where you put your time.


4.
Finally when abstaining, yes usually there was the physical (& habit) struggle but there were benefits
a) Thinking of her.  Thinking of nice things to do for her.
b) More energy ( When depressed I have no energy)
c) More creative thoughts and more ability to solve complex (technical) problems.  (When depressed, I cant think straight and that leads to more lethargy)
d) Less depression.  (Mind you I imagine if I were forced against my will to abstain from sexual orgasm that I could become depressed.