I've said to my wife that:
- I am really enjoying her teasing me and not letting me cum.
- When I cum I would like it to be when she is turned on and wants me inside her.
Some time back I had told her that I had read about couples that practiced "NFP - Natural Family Planning" These people seem to be generally catholic and the jist is orgasm denial for the men. I had read several blogs and forums where the men were abstaining from orgasm pretty much continually. Anyway I reminded her that I had enjoyed reading these and was turned on and envious of the men who's women were actively ensuring and encouraging their abstinence and that they would, knowing orgasm was off the table, have to work hard on other ways to connect and be intimate.
I also told her that when I am denied I dream and think about her a lot.
I guess what I am trying to do is help her to help me. I guess we both need to enjoy things. There has to be a pay off for both of us.
So the pay off for her I think is space. Space and time to get turned on. I think she will see a "nicer me" as a pay off. So I guess I need to make sure all this is fun in a way.
I wonder what else could be a pay off for her. What she would like?
I reflect on this quite a bit. One reason I think I was drawn to male orgasm denial is to eroticize the fact that we were not having as much sex as I wanted.
ReplyDeleteDuring our heavy child-rearing years, it was tough. We did not connect much physically. And when we did, it frequently felt like it was me guilting her into it. I am so much more turned on when SHE wants sex. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a high sex drive, so I still initiate sex 90% of the time. I give her foreplay and found a way for her to orgasm, and then afterwards it's up to her to decide what type of sexual stimulation I'll get. Sometimes intercourse, sometimes a handjob, sometimes she just falls asleep.
I still remember the first time we actively denied me. She came, and she was like, "Ok, so we just go to sleep, with you not coming?". I sensed some disbelieve but also some relief. I really don't know, but it's possible that she doesn't like the mess from intercourse. If I ejaculate, I will be in post orgasmic bliss, but she will have to get out of bed to clean up a bit - she will typically fold a clean shirt that I've placed underneath her bottom to catch most of the mess, then run to get her panties for the rest. I REALLY have wondered if that bothers her and plays a role in denying me. I've asked her if it matters to her if I wear a condom or not, and she has basically told her that it doesn't make any difference to her. The jury's still out on that one. On the one hand, I am snipped, and that is our primary BC. So her " making" me wear a condom also puts me into sub-space, as doing so would only serve two purposes: slowing down my stimulation and making sex less messy for her.
What you describe about natural family planning is similar to "karezza". You may want to look it up. Basically includes intercourse without the male climaxing. I can't figure the thoughts about female orgasm. But with my own orgasm, I do tend to have an "orgasm hangover" where I feel a little down, and far less submissive. My wife says that I'm more into serving her when I am denied, and she's partially right. I go into "courtship mode". She doesn't get this "down" feeling. After she climaxes, she will usually drift into a peaceful sleep and be super cheery in the morning - because of her nice slumber and because at that time I've usually made her breakfast in bed.
I thought natural family planning was more around the timing of sexual activities.
To close my ramble out, the payoff to my wife is that she feels much more open to sexual acts when she doesn't feel an "obligation" to allow me to penetrate her or even for me to ejaculate. We both get the enjoyment out of me being in this courtship mode. I would recommend to even non-kinky couples to give their spouse a "you only" weekend, where the one can pleasure the other and the receiver can just enjoy it. It's pretty fun!
Paradoxically, I feel like we have more sex, which I like. I need her to climax, I merely "want" myself to climax. And it feels so much better to me that when we are doing a sex act, I know it's because she wants it to happen, not out of obligation. Plus, it really feels like a very long foreplay session.
That is wonderful. A real insight. I agree with the feels np pressure thing is more likely to lead to her enjoyment
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