Gave up

Had a discussion with my wife.

There seems to be three groups of sexually abstinent men.
1. More sexually denied by disinterested wives. Non kinky.  Just marriages fallen apart but they are sill living together in a sexual desert.
2. Catholic or Natural Family Planning (NFP) couples.  Wives very supportive and in a vanilla way dominate the man as far as sex is concerned to ensure he stays abstinent.
3. Kinky couples sub man dom wife. 

In types 2 & 3 the men are basically happy and the women are overtly caring for the men.

My wife was "bla" when it came to this activity.  She just did not care.  She is just not into me.

So I figured what is the point.

Told her that and we had sex.  Pretty boring sex.  I think she sees it as her marital duty.  She certainly does not get turned on and does not seem to want to get turned on.

A concerned feeling

So yesterday I was really feeling quite concerned.  Maybe I'd never get to orgasm again.  Maybe once the three months is up I just wont be able to do it.  Luckily on this occasion my wife was quite firm in discouraging me from masturbating and she said no way to sex.

A worried feeling

Coming up to 3 weeks of abstinence.  The target is 3 months.  So today driving to work and sitting in traffic I had this feeling of dread wash over me.  I began to worry quite heavily maybe I will never get to orgasm again.  Maybe by the end of the 3 months, It will never get hard again.

awake in the middle of the night

Woke up around 12:30am.  Wide awake until about 2am.
I am assuming hormonal changes are driving this.

I am also wondering whether once everything settles down whether I should then try to limit getting aroused and hard.  Just being sexless / plutonic.  Seems to be what the wife is / wants.

Two weeks -ok

Two weeks in.
I suspect I am getting older because it's much more benign than last time.
I am pretty relaxed.  Some days I do not get hard at all.  Other days something - usually a good looking girl in a short skirt will get me rock hard.

I am wondering whether, once the initial pressure has stabilised, I should try to not even have an erection each day.  Try for a kind of sexless existence.

Moodwise I have been pretty OK.  I do though sometimes get depressed in the middle of the night.  When this happens I get out of bed and go and sleep in the spare room

a little ache

So it's about a week and a day into abstinence and I'm sitting at work and noticed my balls are beginning to ache.

a week into sexual abstinance

Actually feeling a bit more relaxed than I thought I would.  Maybe old age.

There is a bit of a underlying depression that I am doing this because sex with my wife had become not only dull but also depressing because she obviously did not enjoy it.  It seemed to me she hated it.  She rarely got turned on.  She did not engage in foreplay so really no chance of getting turned on.

The other reason for the depression is that maybe this state of abstinence will continue.  The dichotomy is the abstinence it's self is kind of exciting.  the sadness is that she is just not into me

A few days into abstinance

The wife seems more affectionate which is wonderful.

Mentally I'm in a good place.

The wife has asked each night how I am going and that's nice.

I told her that after the last period of abstinence that it actually was a bit painful to cum.  That was back when we abstained for lent.  She asked if I'd read about others feeling that I and I said "yes".

I asked if she enjoys the period of abstinence and she said yes.  I think she finds sex painful and she is not into sex or pain or giving in that way.

We wait and see how my feeling and our relationship goes.

The start 3 months abstinance

She has asked me to go 3 months abstinance

Not wat Dom sub should be

I've been reading a fair bit on the internet and really I do not think the sub thing I am doing is working or healthy.

It seems to me that essentially my wife is simply not interested in me.

I have tried all sorts of things and being submissive is one of them.

But it has not made the relationship any more intimate.

When I read about submission on the net there are two people and two roles.
The dominant who cares for and loves their submissive.
The submissive who loves the dominant and does whatever to please the dominant. 

I am quite happy to be submissive but she has to show a bit if emotion.  A bit of care.

So feeling very very alone here

stress

So we had sex and that was good.
Now she's on her period and says I have to wait.
Ah now that was fun.

In other news, I'm at work early and stressed.  Too many deadlines and not enough time.  So here I am wasting time on displacement activity.

I so wish the boss would come into work, stand me up and have me bend over the table and cane me.

Then tell me which one of the gazillion things I have to do I should do first and give me a deadline and if I don't make it, I would be caned again.

Sex ahhh

She had been on holidays for the last week and before that I had been abstaining from sex for lent.  The main reason though to abstain was to try to give her space to get interested in sex again.

She got back and she offerred sex.
We did it.
Started with me on top,
rolled over and she worked herself up
I was so so so close and I asked if i would be allowed to cum and she said yes.
After abstaining for 6 weeks boy was I ready but I would have enjoyed it if she'd said "no".
Any interest is good interest.


So we did it and it was good.
I wonder where to from here.

Happy to receive instructions

The wife is away on holiday on her own.
The washing machine died.

We have a front loader and I actually hate it because you can't open the door to add that last item and so on.  So I text me wife and inform her it is broken and she says she's happy for me to sort it out.  I clarify that she is OK that I buy a new one and she says yes.  This left me in a quandry because her text could easily have been interpreted to mean buy whatever washing machine I wanted.  So I considered to go out and buy a new top loader.  But instead I sent back a text to clarify and she said "10kg front loader".

I mused to myself that this is actually fun.  She has now given the specific instructions and even though the detail is at odds with my preferences, I am very happy to make it happen.

Calming down

Home alone and it was harder to not be emotional.  Yesterday I went through a range of emotions from almost angry that our love seems so sparse or maybe that I'm doing the abstiance thing because I am sick of boring sex.  Some feeling of pointlessness.

Last night and today i was much calmer.

Maybe a goal could be to be unemotional like she seems to be when it comes to sex.

anyway I'm feelong OK and now at work.

The ache and desire

Ohh my balls ache.  ache ache.

My wife has gone away for a week and it is interesting how much harder it is to not masturbate.

Before she went we talked about resuming sex when she gets back after Easter.

The discussion points included
I had been much calmer this time (She used to give me sex because she did not like me grumpy)
I said I felt that if she gives me sex because she thinks I need release then that just makes me feel weak.
She had enjoyed not having sex.
She said that she might try through till june (5 months)

Wow. 

I am both excited and aprehensive at the same time.

I want to have sex.
I want to see if I can abstain.

about a week to go

So almost at Easter and that is when I may get to orgasm.

I would love for my wife to be more intentional about some tease associated with sex. 

I don't think that my abstiance has done much.  I was hoping some space would facilitate her getting her libido back but no.

Anyway, I'm pretty calm about it.  Much more so than in the past.  Almost a feeling that if she were to leave then I'm over it.

We just had a weeks holiday away.  It was quite pleasant.  To give her her due, she did put some effort into stroking and teasing me but It's quite mechanical in a way.  Like she feels it's her duty to do it but can't and won't connect emotionally.

She is going away on her own for a week so we will see how she feels on her return.

Just another day

I feel like I am becommimg a sexless being.
Abstinance combined with old age I guess. Maybe it's use it or loose it.  Anyway no hard on this morning.  Not aroused now.  Actually a bit of mild depression.

A weekend goes by

It's now Monday and the weekend went by.  No sex as was to be expected.

Weirdly I'm kind of relaxed about it.  There is still a dull but less ache but interestingly also I think no morning erection.  certainly once I was fully awake through to mid morning here at work no erection and weirdly, I'm not worried. 

I do hope I have not lost the ability but weirdly I'm not worrying about it.

As MrBill commented on my previous post, I would love for my wife to regain her libido.  I would love to lie on my back with an erection and have her ride me and for her to orgasm and me to have to not orgasm.  Some pain like nipple clamps or a whipping before would be great.

I have been more overtly saying to her that when Easter comes and my abstinance period is over that I would be open to continuing.  I've said that i really would prefer sex to be when she wants it and is turned on and not just something she does because she thinks I "need relief".  Sex like that just makes me feel weak.

All day ache

Balls aching all day.

The weird thing is that I don't any longer have that feeling of worry about never being able to "do it" again.

I had a conversation with my wife last night asking whether she would let me cum once we had gotten to the end of lent.  She kidnly said "We'll see".

I said I was scared

she asked why and I said that I was worried she might never let me cum again.

She said something referring to the NFP men who have to abstain.  I said that I admired their strength.  She said well you may get your wish.

We also talked about only getting to cum on special occasions like my birthday, our wedding aniversery and christmas.

I said that what I would really like is for her to be (and I forget the exact words) but that she be on board and enthusiastic and intentional whichever way.  If she wanted me to have sex with her all the time and not abstain then I wanted her to want that.  What I don't want is a "take it or leave whatever don't care" atmosphere. 

So I am aprehensive because that could mean abstaining for another couple of months.

But also It's something I'd like to do in a weird masochistic sort of way.  It would be interesting to connect with other men who abstain for extensive periods of time.  I'm hardly likely to get onto facebook and say "hey guys, which of you gets no sex and loves it"

And ache they do

Sitting standing driving.
A dull ache

It's kind of nice in a way but I'd rather something else now.

It's also fun in a abandoned sort of way in my mind to think I've now abstained 4 weeks.  I know it's a petty thing but in a way I feel like a bit of a failure in life.  Even though objectivly I think others would say I've done OK.  House paid off, kids are happy and healty, at school or uni and doing well.  But my wife is detached.  No libido.  No spark of sexual energy.

The balls ache

So my balls are aching.

I mentioned this to my wife who said well it's past two weeks.  I guess my gut feel is that the testosterone has dropped thus reducing the feeling of urgency to have sex but maybe the engine is still producing and storing seamen. My assumption is that with extended abstinance that that will drop off.

Asked the wife this morning, when it comes to touching her, and remember she is not a physical touch person
would she like me to never touch her,
wait to be invited to touch her,
ask to rouch her or
just touch her

She said just touch gently.  OK.

She likes the space

I'm trying very hard to not sub from the bottom and not to get grumpy.

The wife is
a) not sexual
b) Very self centred and feels she must be in control
c) does not listen to me or the kids.
d) does not talk about her feelings

But I think she is trying to be a bit more engaged.

Each morning recently she has been a bit more physical.  Hugging cuddling and so on.

On the kinky side, I assume as a result of now 3 weeks abstinance, my balls ache.

The other fun thing this morning was that when we were cuddling, I got turned on and started to rub against the materass and she said "Stop!".  It was nice to hear her be so definate.

Just another day

Pretty relaxed today.
Maybe the testtosterone is dropping off.
4 weeks or so to go until the end of lent which is how long I am abstaining for.
My wife has been nice and definite in resisting my desires for sex.

Research into Abstinance

Spent some time searching for information on sexual abstinance

The Natural Family Planning and Catholics seem to be the most serious or vanilla about this.  Obviously plenty of fem dom stuff but I was kind of more interested in stuff that would hopefully be less likly to be the dreams of old men.

Anyway before I got to those who practice long term abstinance, it seems that abstinance has been studied a bit.  There are conflicting opinions on whether it causes problems.  Prostrate issues is cited.  It seems though that opionions differ.  So my take was that really there is no statistically significant evidence that there is a problem with long term sexual absinance.

Next there were a few university studies where they had measured testosterone levels for a few weeks after an orgasm and while abstaning.  As I understood it, about a week after orgasm, the body goes into testosterone creation overdrive in an attempt to prompt the body into seeking sex and that about the two week point, the testosterone has dropped back to 'normal' and then if abstinance is maintained the level drops further.

Now that seems to correlate with my personal experience in regard to desparation or sex drive.  I'm now at or just past the 2 week mark and the physical pressure is definately less.

Onto the NFP people.  So they believe that one should not use condoms or other birth control. 

As a generalisation, it seems that the happily married couple start off with all good intentions where they track her cycle and he gets about a week of sex every month.  But that of course means he is facing that testosterone spike every month.  So every month he has to resist and go through the hardest emotional barrier.  It seems that either they give up or start using contraceptives or do something to provide releif or a small dedicated group stick with it.  Those tht stick with it tend to go for full or near full abstinance.  He might get a treat every so often maybe once or twice a year.

 I think that it is a mutually agreed decision but that the wives tend to be in the determined to support him category.  It seems that they are sensitive to the mans needs and give lots of encouragement but equally they kind of are very clear "no sex" baby!.

I guess my wish would be that my wife would be more engaged.  I have shown her some of the forums and pointed out the wives are proactive in being supportive and physically intimate.

At present my mariage is a bit cold.  The wife is not "engaged". she's always too busy and too tired and bla bla excuse excuse.  And I'm just not interested in sex with her while thats the dynamic.

Another day of abstinance

Deep breath.
There is a kind of feeling of "will I ever be able to do IT again".
I kind of tenseness.  I have to shrug and roll my shoulders.

I had a talk to my wife this morning asked if she was enjoying not having sex and she said "yes very much so"

I asked what she would like to do sex wise after lent and she said "oh a couple of times a week".  I said think about why.  We know I don't *need* it and we know your enjoying not doing it.  Maybe there are other options like we could do it if you felt like it but otherwise not do it.  Or we could continue with abstinance.  Yes I want sex but I also want you to not feel pressured.

Prostate pain

Last night got up and went to the toilet and did a wee.  It was a bit painful.  It felt like I still needed to wee.  Lay down in bed.  Got up went and wee'd again.  Back to bed.  Feels like I still need to wee.  Got up. nothing. Went and sat in the lounge. Up and down a few more times.  It was like a burning sensation at the tip of my penis that made it feel like I needed to wee.  Kept going in and a little would dribble out. 

went and put an adult nappy on that I keep "in case"

Got back into bed and lay there.  It was quite painful.  The need to wee was ever present. 

Now I had had a similar experience a few months ago that had had me laid up and off work.  I'd had a ultrasound that had shown a infected and swollen prostrate.  The doc had prescribed strong antibiotics.

So I was a bit worried.  My thoughts were that some urine may have gone back up the tube that connects to the prostrate and caused the infection.

So in the middle of the night my wife wakes and asks if I'm OK.  I explain the pain and that Ive been to the toilet about 10 times and it feels like the previous infection thing.  I ask if I could masturbate to push any urine back out the tube.

She said "No"

Normally she has a resonse like what do you think you should do and I find that frustrating.  Here she was very definate. 

She said if it's infection then it's already set in and mastubation isn't going to do anything.  See the doctor in the morning.

She rolled over and went back to sleep.

I eventually got to sleep.  Interestingly my adult nappy was slightly wet in the morning.

This morning all felt OK.  I got up and went to the gym.  Then straight onto work.  I noticed eventually a text asking if I'd contacted the doctor yet.  I did that and sent her one back thanking her for reminding me and also thanking her for being decisive and supportive.

So even though in a way, I'm leading from the bottom, she is more on baord with it.

Abstaining for lent

No orgasms for lent.

I suggested to her that maybe if she isn't thinking I want sex then maybe she'll relax and reconnect with me.

Who knows.