12 orgasms of Christmas

Last night, christmas eve, in bed late. Stuffed. Been wrapping christmas presents.

My wife hops into bed and snuggles up and starts caressing my penis. I know she is tired. I start to run my hands over herbottom and I realise she has a pad on. She tells me her period has arived.

I say sorry I had not realised. She normally does not do sex with her period which is OK by me. She says keep going. So I keep going. I ask her why she has been giving me so much sex recently and that I had expected that she would want to limit my orgasm because I was less moody and so on. She said this is the 12 orgasms of Christmas. Two to go hers and mine. So I keep caressing. This is amazing. She is having some fun with sex. She tells me to put a plastic bag on. This will contain any mess I make. I do that and resume caressing her.

Then she rolls me onto my front and gets on my back and starts pressing herself against me. Then she lies on me and wraps her and round and grabs my penis and starts to rub it while humping me then I feel her jerk and orgasm. I ask can I cum and she says yes go now so I do.

she is on top

Last night (Thursday night) I am drifing off to sleep when she starts to rub my penis and shakes me and says get your pants off.
What err wha er yes right away.
I am waking and she is interested. This is amazing.
She is dry but she is working herself down on me.
I offer lube but she declines. Takes her time.
She moves up and down and so do I.
I am trying hard not to cum and I really actually don't want to.
She cums.
Now I want to cum but she says not now sleep well.
Ahhhhh

Now its morning and I wonder what will happen.
Once again she is interested.
This time she asks for lube and for me to come in on top of her.
So I do very gently. I am thrustng slow and deep and she rolls me onto my back.
She keeps moving but does not cum.
Then she rolls so I am on top.
I am thrusting slow and deep and I stop because I am worried I will cum.
she says I want you to cum.
I say what about you.
She says keep moving.
I came and then she got excited and I tried hard to stay hard and in the last seconds before I went limp she came.

And that is the morning before christmas morning.

Just down

So I have been getting into the submissive head space

Last night my wife comes and tells me that she has not organised presents for our kids. She has been so busy doing everything else (her own stuff).

So now I am expected to flip into action and sort this out.

Just needing to vent.

Wednesday AM

OK another interesting turnaround.
This morning I open my eyes and see she is lying on her back giving herself a massage of her eyes and temples. I ask if she would like a massage and she says yes. All good. I massage her and I engoy it. She rolls over and I continue.
After a time she thanks me and gets up and goes to the toilet.
When she gets back she asks if I want a quickie and I say no.
She says what do I want and I say that I enjoy her telling me what is happening in the bed room and can I do anything for her.
She says put a plastic bag on.
This means get a plastic bag put some baby oil in it and put it over my penis.
She said roll onto my stomach and she started to massage my penis. I was hard and turned on.
Then she started to rub her hands over my bottom. Over my boxers.
I was wondering and wishinbg she would spank me. I did not want to ask because I did not want to push her. Then she did. She smacked me. Not super hard but enough for a turn on sting. Then she did it a few more times. I was hard and I asked am I allowed to cum and she said yes so I came real quick.

This means that I have orgasmed pretty much every day for the last 3 days.
Fantastic.

Getting back on the rails

I had a headache all yesterday.
I had a meeting that went late yesterday evening.
Got home. Kids already in bed. Got into bed.
Apologised to wife.
Said she should whip me.
She asked if I wanted a head massage.
I repeated that I thought she should whip me because I was so nasty.
I asked her to tie me to the bed but she said that she thought this was so I would learn some self control.
She whipped me.
At one stage she said "was that enough, did I need more".
It was hurting a lot. I could not bring myself to ask for more yet that is what I needed.
Then she did a head massage.
Went to sleep
Woke up this morning and she stroked my penis.
She got out of bed and went to the loo and as she left she said "Get your pants off"
She came back said put some lube on. She then told me to get on top and come in.
Then she rolled us over and tried to get herself turned on but did not cum then she rolled us back over and told me to cum.
I said I really don't think I should as you have not cum.
She said That will be another day.
So I came.

blast blast blast

I lost it with my wife again. See what happens when I am not focussed.

We have so much junk at our place that just needs to be thrown out but she can't let go.

And to day I told her so.

Ruins the relationship.

A turn for the ?

This morning again my wife rose, went to the toilet and on her return, locked the bedroom door. She walked round to my side of the bed and pulled off my boxers.

As you can imagine, I am getting hard by the second and waking up quick.

She gets on top - good
Asks for lube - good.
Pushes down - good
Rolls me over - getting concerned here.

As I am gently trusting in, I enquire if she likes me to push hard and she says yes. I say can I put a couple of condoms on so that I can giver her maximum enjoyment without the risk of cuming and she says no that she wants me to cum.

Then she rolls me over and enjoys herself and cums and then rolls us back over so I am on top and says now your turn.

The problem is I had my turn. I did not cum when she came but I did get intese pleasure out of it. I do enjoy cuming but I also enjoy the tease of not cuming.

Problem is she does not seem to get that. I don't think so anyway.

So I came as instructed and it was good.

It is interesting to look back and see that from when I decided to switch from being a bully to being submissive she has gone from tolerating sex but doing it reluctantly to initiating it and enjoying it.

I will have to talk to her and say that some tease and denial would be nice and also that I do get enjoyment out of her getting enjoyment.

Get your pants off

Yesterday I was stuffed. I was tired at work all day. Came home and did not much. Lay on the bed and had a sleep while the wife prepared dinner then I did a half hearted attempt at the washing up and went and lay down again and slept. Around 11, she came to bed and that woke me up. So I got up, went to the loo, cleaned teeth and put on my PJs. Still feeling a bit sleepy I crawled into bed and gave her a good night hug and kiss and closed my eyes and lay beside her.

The next thing I hear her say is get your pants off.
Well I am waking up fast here. I am enjoying her getting excited.
I pulled off my boxers and lay there and she climbed on top. I was not hard, felt embarrassed, still half a sleep.
She rubbed herself against me and I started getting hard. Then she reached down and caressed me and I was hard. The embarrassment gone and wide awake, I wondered what would happen next.

She pushed down from on top but was quite dry. I offered lube but she said no. She rolled us over so I was on top and I worked my way in. As soon as I was in, she rolled us back so she was on top. She moved enthusiastically amd much more than she has done for years and here I am trying for all I am worth not to cum. She came and then to my suprise, rolled us over and said keep going. So I did. She came again and I was so so close. I said "can I cum" she said "yes" (mind you I was half hoping she would say no, but I did not want to go against her direction or turn it into a debate) so I thrust a few more times and she came again and I came and it was good. :)

Pulled out, lay beside her. Went to sleep.
So good.
Woke up refreshed.

She was half awake, I asked what motivated her to take the lead last night and she said she just felt like it. That is great. Mind you I still feel a bit like its the wrong way round because I did nothing last night to deserve it. But she did take thelead and I did what she asked. In bed anyway.

Got up came to work.
Left her in bed alseep.

Tuesday

This morning Tuesday 14 we had sex. I was not desperate as it was only last week. It was good sex. We both came. She tried to come on from on top but was dry so she asked me to come in from on top with her on her back. Then she did not want to roll me over and so it was a real challenge for me to thrust and not cum and eventually I said "I think I am going to cum, can I cum and she said "yes" And I came.

Been a bit ho hum this week actually.

I need to get back into that sub head space.

I have had some reasonable conversations regarding her leading and knowing that she is leading.

The other thing is that she is doing what she is for me because she knows that is what I want. So its kind of the wrong way round. Like I should be doing things firstly for her and she should also be doing things for her and through that I get satisfaction.

I guess I should be realistic that my dream is that she is some sort of dominatrix in a short black skirt and a riding crop. However I know that will never be.

Oops again

Ok so last night I grump at her. This and that is wrong and stupid me just lists it all out at her.

We go to bed.

I wake up.

Eventually she wakes.

I say sorry.

I say are you awake enough to administer the punishment.

She says yes.

I close the bedroom doors.

I lie on the bed and she whips me.

Then she sits beside me.

I hug her and ask if she is OK. She says yes.

I ask her to do more and harder. It really hurts but I am really disappointed with myself for being nasty to her.

I tell her that the issues and facts that I have problems with, I still would like to communicate to her. This is about the way I communicate not the facts that I am trying to communicate.

She whips me again.

It hurts a lot.

It is over.

Yes Yes Yes

After my last post I went back to bed.

I kissed her and snuggled and she stroked my penis.

I was so turned on and hard and her stroking it actually makes it easier for me to abstain. Which is the opposite of what you might think.

Eventually she said get the lube.

Mate I was on it in a flash.

Out of bed.

Locked the bed room door

Lube out.

Clothes off

I put some lube on my penis and got between her legs and very gently entered her.

I said as I was doing this that I was trying to be gentle.

After I was inside her I gently started to move and so did she.

Then she motioned to me to roll over.

Now with her on top, she removed her nightee and started to work her self up.

She asked me to put my hands on her bottom and the tops of her legs at the back. I did.

Then I held still and said I think I'm going to cum.

She held still

But I could feel the cum flowing.

I said I think I am cuming, can I cum and she said yes.

We started thrusting and we both came.

Ahh

yum. I could do it all again.

What a way to start a day.

I wonder what we will do next.
Will she make me abstain?
There is a bit of fear here because she has seen that abstaining makes me happier and I think she knows that even though I find it a struggle in some ways, at the same time I am also generally happier and much nicer to her.

I think the balance is long enough periods of chastity to make it a challenge.
Enough attention / teasing to know I am loved and appreciated.
Enough sex that the mariage connection is maintained.

under pressure

Get a text from my wife saying she is going to a friends place and that dinner would be late.

Now I have spent the last 10 years trying to get her to have dinner on the table by 6pm with no success. So I take deep breath and shimmy then shrug my shoulders and say to my self "this is what it is all about". So I text her back saying "thats OK. Would she like me to cook dinner and what would she like". She posts back "yes and that she was going to do chops or steak" So I text her and ask "what time would she like dinner and could she text as she leaves her friends so I can complete the preparations so dinner will be served at its peak in quality". All good

I get home and get in the groove. The washing up has piled up again so while the chops are defrosting I get the washing up done. Then she calls and says we are thinking of having asian take away would I like to come over. I say yes (Eating on my own is a bummer). I am enjoying just going with the flow.

Later on, get home and get kids into bed etc.

Then I say to her, I think she should lie on the bed nude and I will massage her. She goes into the bath room and takes off her clothes then she walks into the bed room holding her nightie in front of her covering her breasts and then lies face down on the bed. I get the massage oil and gently but firmly massage her. Occasionally I brush her bottom as this used to turn her on.

Alas she did not get turned on.

At one stage the conversation went in that direction.

She said "I thin you can go another day"

Man that turned me on and so here I am. Early morning. Can't sleep. want sex. Not getting it.

The ache in my balls is less.

The feeling of inadequacy I realise has also gone.

I have been happier generally. Still a bit moody but much less so.

I am trying harder to listen.

Also noted in the conversation was that since I have been abstaining, I am a lot happier.

'isn't it strange that without sex, we feel a lot closer"

I wonder how long she will make me wait?

A far cry from me having her stand naked in front of me while I just lay in bed and looked at her. Sometimes as she stood there, I would stand up and run my hands over her or have her lie on the bed. I used to say "on your back legs apart don't resist me" and we would just have sex.

Motivation

It is now two and a half weeks or so since I last came.

My balls ache

I am hard a lot.

I am thinking of her a lot

I want sex

I have not had a wet dream.

When I was a teen, I had wet dreams about once a week maybe more. It was a real struggle. Sometimes not only my pyjama pants were wet and sticky but it would shoot right up onto my chest and my pyjama top would also be wet and sticky.

I had a nice discussion with her last night about teasing and she said that she does not want to tease because it is nasty. Now I know she is not a nasty and not a vindictive person so the thing is how do I convince her that teasing me is not nasty.

She said that everything she is doing is because it is what I want. Making me abstain, eventually giving me permission to cum, whipping me especially.

I said that I wished that I could find a way where she could at least be a little selfish. She said that's not her.

Problem is it is her she does not realise it. She does a lot of things that make me jealous. Things that I see as selfish. he infernal busyness for starters. He always being late when she knows that being on time is something I value.

I note that subservient-husband had the wheels fall off the relationship but the next post shows that they are back on. Which is great for him and his wife.

It made me wonder whether women want what they want but do not understand the impact that they are actually having?

Like it seems that many women are very controlling but would deny it even to themselves.

No value

I am feeling down.

My balls ache. I have not had sex for 2 1/2 weeks.

Last night my wife got into bed and said sorry I haven't read your blog for a few days. She laughed and said "I got the laundry folded". (Not this blog but the one I have specially for her).

She then asked if I would like to talk and I had not much to say. Usually I want to discuss being submissive. I want sex.

So I feel less valued than the laundry.

Then I come here to write about my feelings and I see that there are about 600 hits to my blog but not one comment and even if I go back a few days. Only two people - subservient husband and Weave. So I feel sort of pointless.

I started off telling her that I only wanted sex when she wanted it but I can't excite her. I just don't know what to do. My head space is entering a dangerous place and that is starting to wish she would just give me relief. If it is such a sacrifice for her to let me inside her then at least her giving me that is showing me some value.

UGrrrrr

So yesterday is Monday and mid morning my wife rings me at work to tell me that 14yo has yelled at her and then has gone off with his friends and then has called in tears to say he's left his phone on the train. My wife is sad for him loosing the expensive phone and has called the railways.

I text the phone offering a reward.

Periodically during the day, I call the phone and each time it rings out.

Time passes.

Phone answers. "Hello its son here, I found my phone in my bag"

I instruct son to apologise to wife when he gets home. For both shouting and losing phone.

Arrive home.

Wife is out with other child.

Thinking of "subservient-husband

's" advice, to do things for her, I decide to do some more of the things on the list on the fridge, I replace a light fitting in one room and replace the bulb in the kitchen and then tidy away the stuff that has accumulated on the dining room table. Not romantic but practical. I check the kitchen and wash the dishes.

We have dinner.

She leaves for choir practice.

I ready the kids to go to scouts.

As we are leaving, she calls to tell me that they are supposed to take a plate of supper. I ask what we have and she says look in the cupboard. While she is on the phone, I go look and it is full of chocolate and junk. I am annoyed. I express my annoyance to her down the phone. I yell at her. "Why do we have all this junk in our house"

After the call I feel bad. I feel weak.

I get the kids into their beds. I complete the washing up and cleaning of the kitchen. I put glasses of water beside our bed. I turn on the bed side lights.

When she got home I asked how she was. She said that she had asked the choir to give her a "sound immersion" whatever that is.

I said I am so sorry that I yelled at her on the phone.
I said to her "you know what we have to do"

She does not like hitting me.

Anyway she went and did a couple of things. I changed into my boxers and got out the electrical chord and put it on the bed beside me. Then I lay face down on the bed. I actually felt sick. I was so anoyed with myself for shouting at her.

She entered the room and just picked up the chord and without saying anything she brought it down hard on by bottom. After the second stroke, I bit into the pillow. It hurt. I wanted it to hurt. I did not want to cry out because I knew that right now that would cause her to stop and I need her to not only punish me but to gain confidence. I buried my face in the pillow and tried to withstand the pain as each stroke landed on my bottom.

Then she stopped and put the chord in the draw and walked out.

She went into her office and did some work on her computer.

After a time I went in and stood behind her and massaged her. I said that my punishment was not about the chocolate it was about shouting at her. I said I am sure I could have found a way to in mature way express my concern about chocolate in the house without resorting to shouting at her down the phone.

I know I am not getting sex tonight. Even I can see the atmosphere is not right.

But she is getting more confident. We have had a couple of discussions about her lack of libido and whether she is actually turned off by me. Does she even want me inside her. She even asked if I was OK that we had not had sex on Sunday night and I said "yes" and I went on to say that "I want to create space for her to feel like wanting sex". I asked if when we were first married, did she think about sex before we got into bed and she said "yes she did". I said that I wanted to try and get the relationship back to being like that and that I did not want to pressure her. She said what if it takes a long time. I said that "It is something I really want". She said "What if it takes a year". I said "What do you mean". She said what if it is a year before I get to have sex. Now I am so hard and so turned on that I say "Even if it is a year".

I must be mad.

She said He said

In response to my previous message she said

It's Sunday night.
Waiting for you to come home.
Hoping you've had a great day.
We'll see what happens ... : )

I did not get sex. We did not have sex. She did say she was tired and so we kissed and cuddled and she went to sleep

I wrote back

Hi Dear,

Right now there are two motivations, two drivers for me wanting sex.

1. The physical desire. The physical pressure within me. I am a guy and that is the way it is.

2. The desire I have that you are happy. In particular that you get to have great enjoyment.

The first thing is that as I think about it, what I want first is a way in my own mind to swap the order of these areound. I want to be in the mindset that puts your happyness first.

The next thing is that I suspect that I need to find a way to make your whole life happy. In as much as I influnece it anyway.

We didn't have sex last night and I appreciate that you were not turned on. I was not here until late and I guess that meant that there was not time. time to just be together. I appreciate that you did not just give me relief. Thankyou for being honest with your feelings. Thank you for having the strength to say no.

So I wait.

No! I need to do more. I need to proactivly change my behaviour. I need to do things so she is happy. Actually more than happy. So she is inspired.

I am asking for your help with ideas to turn her on. I am willing to do anything. So do not limit yourselves. What would she just love. What too should I do. It could be simple at home stuff right through to the special treats and presents.

Over to you guys on what I can do.

Request

My balls are aching. It has been two weeks. I am desperate for sex. I must be mad - this is what I wrote to my wife

Sunday night is approaching and I know you said that we might have sex then.

At this early stage, please do not give me sex for "relief" as I have indicated that just makes me feel small. I can't even light a flame in my wife.

Maybe down the track you will give me sex as a gift or a present without you yourself cuming, but right now, please just engage in sex if you want it. Please do not let me cum unless at the very least you are going to cum. But preferably cum first and even second. As many times as YOU want. Then and only then MAYBE let me cum. Either way I will be rewarded. If I am too pushy or I have not put the effort into getting the atmosphere right for YOU then please don't give it to me.

You may think I am mad and I probably am but I do not want to continue to be rewarded for weak behaviour on my part.

I would also like to talk to you about whipping me.

As I have said previously it is not like spanking a child. I chose something for you to hit me with that I would never hit a child with as I did not want there to be any connotation of parent - child type relationship. This is totally me asking you to help me modify my weak behaviours and there is a strength in that.

But I would ask that at some time, at time of your choosing that you whip me. Just tell me to lie down and you are going to whip me. How hard and how long and whether you tie me is up to you. But I want you to feel free to do that. I do not want to pressure you to do it and you don't have to do it more than once although you can if you wish. But I do want you to consider doing it please. It can be as a punishment for doing something or it can "just be". Please. be free.

The next thing is that after I have done you wrong. Shouted, lost my temper, not responded to you. And I ask you to whip me then please do that. It is intended to be a punishmnet. I really believe that corporal punishment can help to change behaviour. This is not something new to me. I want to put it into action.

But I want you to do more than that. I am putting down in writing, so that you will know that I am serious. I want you to tie me to the bed so I can not wimp out of it. Then I want you to whip me with all your strength. As if you were beating the dust out of a blanket. Please as hard as you can. Put every ounce of strength and do it as hard as you can. I know it will feel like your arm is heavy and someone has got you by the elbow and is restraining you but try as hard as youpossibly can. I know you are not a vindictive or grudge bearing person so this is not some kind of get back at me for the hurt I have caused but it is from my side a cathardic or symbolic hurdle that I wsh to. That I need to overcome.

Still abstaining

Its Saturday AM and almost two weeks without sex. Oooohhhhh.

I have asked a few times and each time she has said "no" and each time I have thanked her.

She has also a couple of times told me to "lie still".

It is such a turn on that she is becoming more confident to say that.

4am philosophy

Its 4am and I am wide awake. I have a hard on. I really really want sex. Six months ago, I would have woken her up and she would have given me sex but her sleeping through sex just did not do it for me. or her.

So here I am writing here to off load my thoughts.

She and I had a brief discussion last night and she said that as a teen she did not masturbate. A great discussion to have but disappointing in that it confirms that she has always had a low libido. I asked if she had done it for religious reasons and although that was part of it, it was only a small part.

I asked her what she thought about me being submissive and she said "it was what I [husband] wanted" we went on to discuss / confirm that she is doing things like making me abstain and whipping me because "that is was what I [husband] wanted".

I said its OK for you to be a bit selfish.

I also offered that we throw out all the short skirts that she has and go and buy pants. I used to make her wear mini skirts a lot and every pair of pants she has caused friction in the past. She said she liked her skirts but I think she will take up my offer to go shopping for some sports shorts.

The other day, I wrote her a list of everything I was giving up and she had read it. It is reposted here below so you can read it. I said that I would welcome her doing anything on that list to me. I said for example that I loved the message and the plastic sheet on the bed and that whenever she did this to please make sure she has explicitly instructed me not to cum. That I only want to cum in conjunction with her enjoying sex. I said I appreciate her giving me treats regarding acknowledging my kinky fetishes but that I really want the joy of sex to only be associated with her present.

I wonder what the world will be like in the future when women will be much more in control Will they be able to handle it. In my view their multi tasking and social people skills mean that they make great managers but sometimes with out rules they seem to go out of control. Through the best intentions they become ????

Like I sat on a plane the other day and across the isle were two women talking about how they control their daughters. They were so up front with each other about how they manipulate and control the daughters especially regarding boy friends. The daughters were 16 as I recall and from what ever age they started having boyfriends, the mothers would limit or encourage contact with the boyfriend depending on whether the mother liked the boyfriend or not. They were well motivated in that they wanted the best for their daughters but they sure were not willing to let the daughters have any freedom of choice. They admitted to organising holidays away from home to keep boyfriends away, to making the daughters do homework, "I keep her in her school uniform on week nights so she can't go out with him". And on the other hand when they approved of the boyfriends they would "drive the two of them to the movies" and we "took him to xyz for a week. such a lovely boy". So controlling. I loved listening in as you can imagine.

A letter to my wife on what I am giving up

Hi dear,

I want to rekindle the fire in our marriage.
I want love. I want you to feel loved. I want you to feel you have space. I guess space to find the love you onece had for me.

These are some of the things I am giving up. I am aware that I am giving them up and will never get them back. I am listing it here so you know and so I know. Its all out in the open.

Mini Skirts - If I had my way, you would wear them all the time like you did for the first 10 years of our marriage. Yes you would feel self conscious. Yes people would comment and yes they would sometimes see your undies. This I am giving up.

Plastic - Well you and plastic anyway. If I had my way, we would put the plastic protector back on the bed. Even though it was sweaty and crinkly and we did not sleep well, I liked it a lot. I would wrap you tightly in plastic. One of my favourite memories is sitting on the couch with you in front of me. Wrapped in plastic with bike pants and a tee shirt over the top. I say behind you and ran my hands over your chest. Another is the time we went to the restaurant with you wrapped under your clothes. As you know I enjoy plastic pants and I liked you wearing them even though you hated everything to do with plastic. Any possibility of this ever happening again I am giving up.

Spanking you - I dreamed of spanking you. I am sorry I hit you so hard. In hindsight, I think I should have just lightly, very lightly spanked you. patted you. It seems though that I created in you a huge fear of spanking. I know that it can modify behaviour and that is why I have asked you to whip me because I want to overcome my weak control over my temper. I dreamed of "fixing" your time management and I believed that could be done with spanking. I also saw spanking you a way of you demonstrating submission to me. This I am giving up.

Control briefs & tights - again, if I had had my way, you would wear them a lot. I remember a short time when you wore them for several days even at night. Back when our bed was down stairs.

Asking permission - At one time I tried to get you to call me sir as a way to demonstrate your submission to me and more recently I have tried to get you to ask permission to go to the toilet. All of this I am giving up.

Control - I am giving up some degree of control. I would gladly give it all up. In a way that would be easier but as I understand it, you don't want that.

What I am not giving up on is......
our marriage,
you,
our kids,
the business,
life,
our friends,
and most importantly, my faith in God.
:)

I love you

The first smack

Well we have reached a mile stone

Last night I lost my temper with her again. As she was preparing dinner, I offered to make some gravy. I like gravy. She started to say she had not planned gravy but then because she knows I like gravy she started to apologise. I snapped back at her "stop apologising".

Fast forward to when we are in bed. I said "I am sorry for snapping at you at dinner".

I said "you know I have been saying I want to stop doing that and I really want you to whip me"

She said "roll over"

She smacked me a couple of times with her had.

I said "Please use the whip. I want it to really hurt"

She said "OK give it to me"

I reached into the bed side draw and pulled out a length of electrical flex that I had previously cut the ends off. I had showed it to her in one of our conversations and said that I wanted something not associated with enjoyable sex. So I did not want her to use her hand because that was intimate and not going to hurt much anyway. I was not sure about a belt because it was so wide so I figured this electrical cord would be painful.

I said "Please tie me to the bed"

she said "just roll over"

She knelt beside me on the bed and I said "arn't you going to stand up so you can hit really hard" and she said "just lie there and stop talking"

So rolled over and waited to see what would happen.

She hit me. Not too hard but it stung.

Then again and again. I lost count but it was painful. I found myself struggling not to squirm and even not to say stop. I wanted it to continue but it was also pretty darn painful. I forced my face into the pillow and bit into the pillow. Anyway after she had done a few. I did not count maybe 10 or 20 she stopped and said "is that enough are you done".

I sat up and hugged her and thanked her.

I was embarrassed but appreciative

Later I asked for sex and she straight out said no. Two weeks will be a good time. That is Monday. Ooooh. How can I wait?

Then this morning I asked again to cum and she said "No! Lie still. Stop waking me up" Thank you.

So she is gaining confidence and I am getting some of what I crave.

I am so so happy.

We inch slowly closer

I must be mad I think.
Fancy a guy telling his wife that he will do anything for her.
Giving up power is scary.
I told her last night that yes I have been thinking about this for ages and ages and yes I want her to be in charge and that I will no longer hassle her to wear short skirts or all sorts of things.

I emphasised again that I would really like her to boss me around in the bed room.

I said, look have some fun in the bed room and maybe it will spill out into the rest of our lives.

I said tease me, torture me, spank me, make me do things just for you.

Now she is a bit taken a back by all this.

As I say if she takes me up on this it will be heaven and hell at the same time.

More talk. less sex

We talked more last night.

She still has not gotten comfortable with the idea of leading or that this will even last but at least we are talking.

It is now over a week since I last came. The sexual pressure really focusses the mind. there is still some degree of internal feeling of inadequacy. but that seems to be lessening.

Last night I asked if I could cum. She is on her period. She said "I thought you wanted to hold off for a while" I said that's true but I am so turned on. She then reminded me she was on her period. We then went on to discuss that the idea behind this submission thing is to use my sexual energy to spend the time to get her turned on and that if I get rewarded for other behaviours then I will not focus on her. Mind you what would have turned me on more would have been if she had simply said "no there is no release for you tonight because I don't want it" ie I would have gotten enjoyment out of her being overtly selfish.

Early monday

Well last night she said "I have some news for you."

I was al ears.

She said "no sex for a week"

I was turned on.

Why I said

because I said so

oohhhh I thought.

Then we had a fun discussion about how she can do things for me where she does not have to directly be involved in the kinky part such as when she goes away laving the note with instructions or putting the plastic sheet on the bed.

Ahhhh

So that was last night. This morning I was way turned on and restless and she told me to get out of bed. I was turned on and rubbing myself on the mattress. She pushed poked and pinched me and said get up and get going.

Sunday evening

Woke up very very wanting sex but my wife was not at all interested. She said Maybe a quickie tonight.. pause .. maybe not. It was nice to have her tease me.

We had a meeting at church today. One of those meetings that could go on forever. After a while my wife went out of the room. I thought to check on the kids who were playing un supervised in the playground. When she came back she had three pieces of butchers paper and on them she had summarised everyones concerns and grouped them had few arrows and stuff then on another piece she summarised the suggestions that had been made and on the third she had put together a plan based on the best suggestions and the people available and etc etc. That is why she is a leader.

Sat night

It is now almost a week since my last release. Again I have this strange feeling of "will I ever be able to do it again" I guess in a way this maybe "withdrawal" type feelings. There is this real feeling of inadequacy, impending something. At the front of my chest up high on each side above my nipples sort of inside my shoulders has this caved in feeling and I have to sort of shake and rub my shoulders every now and then. Weird.

Last night the wife went out early for dinner with some of her girlfriends. I organised dinner for my eldest son and myself. The younger kids were at various friends places for sleepovers. My eldest and I then went and met up with my wife and the group of girl friends who had all had dinner together. We went to a concert together.

I smiled as I sat by myself in the row behind my wife and the group of girls. Funny how they had organised a single seat for me. The only male. (My son met with some friends of his and they had a group of 4 or 5 seats that had been bought separately in a different part of the auditorium). I mused as I sat there behind the group of girls. Normally I would have felt quite out of it. But it was fun to think about it in this different way. Luckily also there was a nice girl beside me and we exchanged a few pleasant words at half time to which I was able to mention that my wife had organised this seat to for me.

I have had a couple of good conversations with my wife recently.

I said to her that its not that I don't want to cum. I really do. I want sex and I want to cum but I want her to cum even more.

Its like if I cum, I get maybe 2 or three minutes of groping her followed by ten seconds of Ecstasy. Then I come down. I feel down because she has not cum and I feel inadequate. I told her that by only cuming when she both cums and when she tells me to cum it is firstly like having a week long foreplay. Providing she touches me on the penis and teases me from time to time (which she does) and especially if she asks verbally how I am going then it is like having a week long foreplay. Then if she cums, I get great satisfaction. If she tells me when to cum, its fun and then after I feel good. A whole lot of positives.

I wrote her a message explaining that I do not see physical pain to be bad per se.

I have acknowledged to her that a light spanking is a turn on for me but that I really wish that she would whip me when I loose it and speak nastily to her. I emphasised that it was not a mother and child thing. A child does not ask for punishment. She is sort of warming to this I think.

At one stage she said "I do not want to be your psychologist" and that she did not want to hear all my thoughts. A pity because I would really like to tell her all my dreams and fantasies and so on but I think this would freak her out. So you guys who read this, get it all instead.

I think one thing I would love to get to though is where she recognises the authority she has and that she recognises how she organises me anyway and then have some fun with that by bossing me around in a more direct overt kind of way.

Its Friday night

This week at work has been very stressful. Deadlines, plans, meetings, reports. Pressure pressure pressure. I got home later than I would have liked tonight. My wife had kindly cooked dinner but now she has left for church. Choir & leading the youth group. So here I am at home and what I would really like to do is pull up a chair, put my feet up, open a cold beer and go to sleep on the verandah. But what I would like even more is to get out of my current head space and into the submissive head space. So I figured I would spend a few minutes writing about it and what I plan to do and that would help the transition.

I guess to start with, if I were lucky enough to be living an an active WLM, then not doing something just because I was tired would normally not be an option. Maybe occasionally she would give me a treat and let me go to bed early but equally I would hope that I would be expected to respond and serve any time irrespective of how tired I felt. So I want to actually get up and achieve something domestic this evening.

I am going to start with the kitchen. It's a mess again. Then there are various kids here that I am baby sitting so I think extra beds need to be made and stories read to them. Then I think we will do a tidy up of the lounge room. Now I have to admit that I am choosing things that she will see when she gets home from youth group.

OK so off I go.

Maybe she is warming up

I think maybe we creep forward slowly. Obviously too slowly for my liking but none the less it is encouraging. And fun at times.

Last night somehow we started to have sex. She did not seem interested in leading. At one stage she said whatever I wanted. I think I had said "Would she like to be on top". I have to confess once again that I let go with a bit of a list of what I wanted-
"
I want you to lead
I want you to put in some effort (ooh yes a bit nasty)
I want you to get turned on
I want you to have fun
I want to have fun
I want you to be a bit selfish and not feel you just have to do everything for me (careful here me thinks - I may end up with no sex at at all and no connection or anything)
I want you to tease me
I want you to talk to me
I want you to tie me to the bed an whip me really really hard.
I want to put plastic and oil on the bed and roll around and have fun.
So lets not be too focussed on what I want because most of the time what I want does not let you get turned on."

So then we rolled over with her on top and she started to move.

At one stage I said "Can I touch your breasts"
She said "No" oooooh ahhh that excited me. She had said what I know she wanted. and what I wanted to hear. You know then I so wanted to touch her breasts more than almost anything else.

I then said "Can I touch your bottom"
She said "yes"
So I did and I was gentle and I know she likes that.

She continued to move and got faster and came and then she said "thats all. good night. None for you and don't wake me in the middle of the night"

I said "thankyou dear. I am so turned on"

This morning I wrote her a thankyou note.

You know its scary this giving up power.
There are things I have forced her to do that I will mis. I am sure that once she feels empowered there will be no going back.

I should write the things down I guess to get them off my chest so to speak. And to make sure I never force her to do anything again.

Grrr

I had another argument with the wife last night.
Interesting.
She used to say that she would give me sex "releif" because if I went too long with out sex that I got grumpy.
Seems to me that I get grumpy just a day or two after having sex.

It would seem to me that we would both be better off if I had a period of chastity but with me stimulating her.

The benefits to me - I don't get grumpy, angry etc.
The benefits to her - She gets attention. She does not have a grumpy husband around. She of course should get to orgasm.

A somewhat bizzare coincidence - I came across this graph.

I guess the readers who read this have to put up with my grumpyness as I would rather vent honestly here than at my wife. In fact it seems that we men get conflicting messages. We get told we don't share our feelings and yet if we do share our feelings, it pushes the women away.

An interesting development

An interesting development has happened.

OK last night I fell a sleep and my wife did the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen.

Tonight I had the kids doing washing up and stepped out of the room and of course they quietly vanished but when I come back, my wife is in there doing the washing up. I had to take one of the kids to a club meeting. I said to my wife that I would complete the washing up on my return but she completed it. Hmm. Interesting. Especially since before I tried to submit to her, kit was already my job and she would never do it. If I did not do it, the dirty dishes would pile up and up and up.

Anyway we will see where that leads.

So I had a look at the list she had on the fridge of jobs that need doing and I chose to fix the bathroom door lock which had somehow jammed. I particularly wanted to choose something from the list to give a feeling of doing as I am told in a round about sort of way. Or at least responding to her. There is a light fitting that needs repair but I, being the cautious person that I am always turn the power off before doing electrical work and so only do it during daylight hours. Likewise plumbing problems need to be started at dawn.

So easy to get slack

Spent the day with one of my kids. Went to "Sea World" which is a fun park at the Gold Coast.

Now the day had started exceptionally well with sex as a thank you for fixing the pantry door. Then as previously arranged I took the 11 yo for father and son day.

Great day including stopping at the beach on for a swim in the natural environment before the park opened. Got home to a nice dinner of reheated left overs. But then being the slack dog that I am I fell asleep on the couch. A combination I am sure of physical exertion in the sun, red wine and of course sex twice in two days. By the time I awoke, the kids were a sleep and the wife had washed up and cleaned the kitchen. Oops.

She had mentioned at dinner that the computer printer was not working so I raised my self from my slumber and figured I should at least attend to that. Turned out the network cable had fallen out of the router in the other room. So at least I was able to go to bed feeling like I had at least made some sort of effort. I think maybe I should become a tea toatler as a couple of glasses of red is guaranteed to send me to sleep.

She is wearing her new PJ's again. We snuggle up. I do not ask for sex. She does not offer but she does stroke my penis which of course gets hard. I offer a massage which she declines (pity). And then we both drift off to sleep.

Sunday AM

Well Saturday morning was a treat.

She had told me to let her sleep in till 7am. I had been wide awake and turned on and to so avoid tossing and turning I had gotten up. See yesterdays post. Anyway at about 7:30 she got up and went to the toilet. I watched her walk in her new PJs. Very sexy. She got back into bed and played with my penis but did not say anything. I so like it when she plays with it andway then she said those words. "take your pants off and lie on your back". Mate if I was not hard before, I was rock hard now.

She took off her PJ pants and climbed on top. She pushed and rocked herself down on to me. All the time I am concentrating on not just cumming quickly. She gets on and starts moving and I am still focussed on not cumming. She moves and moves and then I feel her move faster and climax. She then relaxes a bit and I hug her and thank her and say she can relax and lie on me and put all her weight on me. Which she does. After a few minutes she starts to tease me by tightening and relaxing muscles in her vagina. Oh such a tease. I am still rock hard. I so want sex.

Eventually she says roll me over, lets deal with you. I am torn between two feelings. I so desperately want sex but also I dream of her saying. OK that was good. Pull out and that is where we are leaving you for today or words to that effect.

I think what I would need to hear were words that said that she knew the desparation that I was feeling and that she was teasing me by not letting me cum.

Just being ignored and not having that connection would just make me sad and angry.

Anyway, I did as instructed and started to move and I asked "can I cum now" and she said "yes" so I did and it was gig and great and I felt good.

Then I lay back ad relaxed.

We were both happy.

I did notice as the day went on that I was less focussed. It was harder to actually motivate myself to do washing up and so on. I will have to work through that. Like last night I was tired. We had some friends over and I had a few glasses of wine and that made me sleepy. I did most of the washing up but did not finish it. There were a few items I left soaking in the sink plus a lot of clean stuff that did not get put away.

We live and learn and grow.

Mind you one of the fun bits in the evening was that while we were cooking dinner. I was stirring a saucepan of sauce and the other families wife was sitting chatting to my wife and my wife was doing the majority of the cooking. It was commented that I was such a good husband stirring the pot. My wife then said "Oh he's good for lots of things. My pantry door now closes properly and she proceeded to demonstrate it to her friend." Then the two girls giggled and said that's gotta be worth a quickie. My wife came over and snuggled up to me and said we will see what reward we can organise.

It was so much fun thinking about my actions being overtly rewarded by sex.

4:30am Saturday

Well its four thirty in the morning and I can't sleep.

I am way turned on. Hard as a rock. Wide awake. The danger here is that at the very least I would toss and turn and eventually wake up my wife. I would be frustrated with myself for doing that. I want sex and I would be frustrated that she didn't and that would lead me to getting angry.

I do need to confess that earlier in our marriage and in fact right now, if I were to wake her up and ask / demand sex, that she would let me. Many times I had done that and she would sleepily comply. The first time, much earlier in my marriage, it was a turn on. We were young and trying to live out a christian man is the head of the house woman must look after him and make sacrifices thing. In a way, at that time, we both enjoyed it. Even though she did not reach orgasm she did sort of feel well she has done her wifely duty. Anyway, it became more of a habit that she resented (I think) and felt was pretty much masturbation and self indulgence on my part. (end of confession)

OK so here I am at 4:45am.

Well OK what to write.

Last night she went out to help at the church there were several things on. Choir practice, youth group. I stayed home and looked after the younger kids. The older one went to youthgroup.

I decided to wash and dry the pyjamas I had bought her. Then I folded them and put both pairs on the bed. So they are ready to wear.

I did the usual things of washing up and cleaning the kitchen. I played some board games with the kids. Normally I am not really into board games but in my new head space it was not nearly the chore it used to be. I wanted to avoid the TV being turned on. Eventually put the kids into bed. Then felt somewhat directionless. Resisted the temptation to turn on the TV. Knowing full well that once it is on, I will achieve nothing. Got a damp cloth and started wiping walls and this progressed to wiping the tops of the door frames. How %&^# is that. :)

Eventually I decided to leave the kids (she is OK with that) and drive down the church and help with the clean up after youth group. It actually was good fun. Only the leaders were there and I know all of them and so it was a good adult chat / catch up.

We arrived home within a few minutes of each other.

I was quite apprehensive so I actually took the PJs and put them aside. She came in and out of the bed room a few times getting ready for bed. Going and doing teeth and so on. I waited patiently until she seemed to be about to put her nightie on and I said to her that I had brought her a present.

I did a little speech where I said that I realised that she wore dresses and her nightie because she knew that I liked it and I honestly said that I still like them but that as she knew, I wanted her to take the lead in the bed room and so as a symbol of how things had changed at least in my mind I said I had bought her pyjamas with pants. I handed her the two pairs.

She was stunned. She said things like "are you sure". "You hate women in pants". To which I tried to reassure her that I am trying to change inside how I feel and that that I wanted to get something to symbolise that change of attitude. She said "I'm not sure I should even try them on". I said "Please, this is my gift to you" Not just pyjamas but the gift of freedom. I don't want you to feel oppressed by me" I said "I am sorry for the times I have embarrassed you by you having to wear short skirts and nighties" "Please feel free to wear pants from now on without having to worry about what I think."

She then tried each pair on. They were both cotton. She then said "are you sure". I said "yes".

She then left the shorter pair on and I do confess I think she looks cute in them.

I then offered her a massage. Which she surprisingly accepted.

She started by saying "You know I will just fall asleep if you do that" and I responded by saying "It will be an honour if you do"

She then made an interesting comment that went something along the lines of enjoying my offers to massage her the last few days. It is interesting because one of my frustrations is that I have been offering to massage her for months if not years and she never would take me up on the offers and yet you would go and have paid massages. I don't think she enjoyed our physical contact and so mentally blocked out the offers. From my perspective she has changed and is allowing and enjoying the physical contact.

While I was massaging her I looked at her new pant covered bottom and it was still as sexy as ever.

She asked how I was going. I so need that. I said I wanted sex. Like any guy that's all I could think of. She said I think we should do it now so you don't wake me up in the morning. I said please don't do that to me. You know you don't want it now. Just tell me not to disturb you in the morning and I won't. She said OK well let me sleep till 7am. We have no need to get up early, lets just sleep in. So here I am its now 20 past 5. Almost an hour typing away here (and reading a couple of other blogs). She is getting her wish and in a way so am I.

Its scary though knowing I am giving up control because I know I will never get it back again.

Shopping for PJs

Well I had comitted myself by writing my last posting to go and buy my wife some Pyjamas with pants so today at lunch time, I took off from work and went to the local shopping mall.

The reality of the situation hit me when I realised that in the department store, the pyjamas are along side of womens underwear so I walk briskly past as if I am going somewhere else all the while looking for pyjamas. Then having not seen any, I swallowed my pride and fear of being arrested for staring at women's underware and went and browsed until I found some. Then knowing she would not want one with a disney figure on it (and yes I was in the womens not girls section), I eventually found two sets. One is a cotton tee shirt with some short shorts and the other more concervative with a button up top and knee length shorts.

Now they are in my car and the next thing is what to do next. Hmm. I will think on that.

The other thing that was interesting is that it is a long time since I have gone this long without sex. You may have read that I do not belive in masturbation. My wife though felt that she was doing the right thing by not only letting me have sex whenever I wanted it but ancouraging me to have sex as "relief". This would just make me feel weak but from her point of view, if I did not get sex then I got grumpy. Well its been almost a week and I have gotten grumpy a few times (as you have seen) but I have tried hard and so now almost a week into abstinance, I find my self with some interesting feelings.

The first is that I am thinking of her all the time. How is she going?, what is she doing? is she happy? I am looking forward to seeing her.

The next thing is the occasional wave of self doubt. Will I be able to do it. A sort of gee I had better use it or loose the ability if that makes sense. Its a weird feeling actually.

In the morning especially I am rock hard ready to go and in fact this morning, I found myself groping her so I took myself out of bed and did a few things. This also was to protect myself against wishing her to get interested in sex and by some miracle ask me for sex. She is rarely a sex in the morning person and with me having talked to her about abstinance and wanting to please her, she would, if I had tried to have had sex with her, she would have let me do it and then next time I talked about being submissive then she would have said something like sure until you want sex again. Maybe she would have told me to go have a cold shower. I would have liked her to do that but I did not want to push it or to test her like that even though it would have been great.

massage feels good

We probably all feel good receiving a massage but last night my wife agreed for me to massage her.

This is a bit of a milestone as in recent time, I have offered and she has declined. I had a look at the clock and it was 9:55pm. I wondered how long I could keep up the massage thing. I had read about subservient husband massaging for like 40 minutes and figured if I could manage 5 minutes I would be doing well.

She lay in bed on her tummy and I started on her back. It just massaged and was very careful not to "feel her up". She was wearing a nightie. From the time we were married, I basically made her wear skirts and dresses and not to wear pants so she sleeps in a nightie. I used to get turned on watching her in these short skimpy nighties and I would just grope her whenever I felt like it. No wonder she pulled away from me emotionally. No wonder she had declined the offers of a massage. Then I moved onto her feet and I she remained lying on her tummy. I just gently but firmly pushed and released and rubbed the balls of her feet. At one stage she apologised for not having washed her feet and I rather crudely said well you will forgive me if I don't lick them and later thinking wow if she wanted me to lick the dirt off then I would. Not something I would have done a year ago.

Anyway as I massaged I looked up her legs and at her bottom where because the nightie was short I could see her undies. I remembered making her wear this short nightie in front of our friends when we went to a pyjama party at the time revelling in her discomfort as all the other women wore long pants pyjamas and her she was in this skimpy baby doll outfit. There were many occasions like that. As I sat there massaging her feet I resolved that today I will go and buy her some pyjamas with pants as a symbol of my change of attitude.

This has been a sort of cathartic post. A confession in a way. To my wife I am sorry for the way I have treated you in the past. (I know that at present you do not know about this but one day I hope you will read it and forgive me)

On other topics, I did not attempt to discuss anything with her as recently that has just resulted in me blowing my stack and getting angry. I did not ask her for sex and just let her drift off to sleep. That way I hope she did not feel pressured to perform. She got to enjoy the massage no strings attached. I stayed in a submissive head space and I remember now that when I finished I looked at the clock 10:30 on the dot. 35 minutes. I am amazed at myself. How time flies when you're having fun.

emotional rollercoaster

I am still on an emotional rollercoaster.

I left work early and got home. Wife not home but some of the kids are home from school. Great opportunity.

Find the washing done and hung out. Beds un made. So brought in the washing. Made our bed and the younger kids beds. In fact doing this puts me in a real enjoyable head space. Did the washing up that seemed to have piled up and generally cleaned up the kitchen.

We had visitors in the evening and that was great.

Got into bed and I watched my wife as she got changed. I thought at the time, this is fun watching. Not realising that she was deliberately teasing because it was so subtle.

Started to talk and she drifted off to sleep. This made me angry again. I blew off so took myself out of the bed room before it got any worse. (So you have to endure my rant here). My main frustration is that just falling asleep seems lazy to me on her part.

Morning comes

Amazingly she awakes and we have a chat. I tell her I am sorry for losing my temper last night. I tell her it frustrates me that I loose control of myself. I tell her that I wish she would whip me. She says the kids are home. I say how about just a couple to see how noisy it is. She says that she cant do it.

We start to have a bit of a discussion about physical pain vs emotional pain.
and about me being a carrot and stick person. The carrot being emotional connectedness and the stick being some kind of punishment.

I talk about how a coach gets a person to rise above whatthey are capable of on their own. She says but a coach does not punish. I said well maybe they don't hit but they do punish. They will get you to do extra pushups or run longer or more laps or whatever.

She says that she is not my mother. I agree. I would never go to my mother and ask for punishment. I am an adult. But in this case I recognise some of my weaknesses and I want her to help me regain self control.

She suggests howabout the punishment be her telling me that I am not to cuddle her for a certain period of time. Yes I say that would be good.
Inside I am thinking YES YES YES. She is starting to get more confident.

Somewhere in the discussion she mentioned had I noticed the way she undressed the night before and I said yes I had enjoyed it and I apologised for not thanking her at the time. I think it was a bigger thing for her than for me actually. I think I am looking for her to do a stip tease with all the music and lights but that even doing a little flirt is emotionally hard for her.

This is a little disjointed.

Then today, I see she has sent out an email inviting her girlfriends to a coffee night without consulting me. My initial reaction was one of annoyance but then I remember that this is what I want. As I change my headspace I totally change my internal feelings. I feel sort of stimulated that she will do this.

OK so thats where we are today.

time

I think its time to calm down.
Step back
Rethink
Recharge.

It seems not unusual for there to be a period of iniial enthusiasm followed by a period of ..... nothingness.

Here are some sweeping generalisations
There are a lot of guys out there who look for some intimacy and connection with their wives.
The wives seem busy busy busy doing everything except engaging with their husbands.
There are many husbands who would do anything to support their wives. They cook & clean and do all the mundane tasks associated with keeping a home. But that does not seem to cut it with the wives.

OK so as far as me and my wife are concerned.
She seems to have no libido. Well almost none.
She is not into any sort of kinky sexual stuff at all. It seems to me that if she suspects its kinky then she turns off.
She does not want to lead in the bed room.
She does not want to be lead in the bed room.
Or anywhere else for that matter.

Feel my frustration.

I think I will try to chill out for a bit and see what opportunities open up.

Return to earth

This is what I would like to say to her.

We are in bed before 9:30pm. This is good I think but my initial optimisim soon takes a turn down hill and now I find myself once again at the keyboard feeling like crap.

Having had a great Friday, Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night out, Sunday at Church and Sunday afternoon, I now for the first time this weekend really feel down.

What is my value I find myself saying once again to myself. Sure you are tired. But that did not stop you finding the energy to stay up half the night at a party on Saturday night or to contnue at your festival on Sunday. But come home and within a few minutes of hopping into bed, you are incoherent and drifting off to sleep.

I guess I should just remind myself of my servile position. A position of irrelevancy. Before you drifted off too sleep you admitted that you had not read the private blog since last Wednesday. Once a friggin week. Cripes you wear out the keyboard on face book and your email. WTF did you do all day Friday that you did not get a chance to read my private blog to you?

Now for my own sanity as much as anything, I am offering you the opportunity to take control. But you have to take control. You can have control in the bedroom, the family whatever. Psychologically I can not handle being ignored. You want to drift off to sleep and leave me abandoned on my own then I will end up looking elsewhere for love.
BE WARNED. When I leave do not say that you did not see it coming BE ******* WARNED.

Well that's what I would like to say.

So I blow off steam here and feel down and then I can go to bed and wake up in the morning and have another go with a more positive attitude and a smile on my face.

BTW, the blog I refer to is a private blog where I have been trying to outline what I feel and would like to do. Somewhat less honest than here in that it is more just about trying to get her to understand what I feel and what I would like to do wrt sex and submission.

plastic treat

My wife is away this weekend. She left Saturday morning and took two of our kids to her parents place. I thought I was to be looking after two of our kids but some of the guys from our church were having a boys night and she said I should go to that on Saturday night so both of the kids that were to stay at home ended up sleeping over at various friends houses.

Anyway I get home round midnight and when I lift the pillow on the bed to retrieve my pyjamas (Boxer shorts and a Tee shirt) I find that over the bottom sheet she has made the bed with a plastic mattress protector. Now I had bought this a while back probably four or more years ago and tried to convince her to have it on the bed under our sheet. Even though she actually has the same type of plastic mattress protectors on all the kids beds including our 14yo's she refused to have it on our bed. Citing that we were adults and that it was too hot and noisy and so even though we have fitted it a couple of times it has only been for example to have sex on. An indulgence for me.

As I have said before in this bog, she will do things for me. Indulge me. From time to time. And this it seems is what she is doing now.

I had been mentioning that I would like to spice up our sex life. Actually I was suggesting each time that I be submissive to her and that this could be fun. We could try her taking the lead in the bed room to see how she liked it as a way of introducing the topic. I had not even mentioned plastic in over a year I guess. Having long since given up mentioning it because she did not like it and even though she would indulge me, she clearly did not enjoy it and so it would just kill the mood so much.

So anyway here she has indulged me again.

Under the pillow were no pyjamas but there was a hand written note. "Sleep nude. No relief. Leave it on all night. Take it off in the morning."

I am so happy. I am so turned on.

She has taken in what I have been saying about masturbation and that men do not need it.

I guess she is away so will escape any grumpyness that I may emanate. She says that when I don't get it, that I get grumpy.

Anyway it did not make for a good nights sleep. I am nude. It is Hot and sticks to me and if I lay on my tummy, too much temptation to thrust. It crinkles and is noisy when I move and sticks to me. So now I have given up and although having arrived home at midnight, I have gotten up early to write this, have a shower and then do some inside cleaning and tidying. I will probably have a rest after church.

Thank you dearest. I love you. (One day I hope you will read this)

Under Pressure

I cant sleep so I got up early and read this post

http://sheisincharge.blogspot.com/2010/11/different-approach.html?

It is about the pressure that submissive men put on their wives.

This is something that my wife has mentioned to me. She says that it is hard fer her to get turned on when she knows that that is the only thing. She wants me to be happy and that is why she offers me quickies and if she knows that all I want is for her to cum then there is a pressure to perform that kills the mood. Like trying too hard.

So I have to work on this.

Communication last night

She offered me a quickie last night.

I declined.

Had a brief but pleasant conversation where I said that I would like her really to take the lead in the bed room. I said I felt that I enjoyed getting her to cum but that too many quickies just make me feel weak especially if she is giving them to me so I get "relief" so I don't get grumpy.

I said I would like to use my sexual energy to do things for her.

So we did not have sex. I am a bit aroused writing this but at the same time, wishing she understood more. Maybe that is what I am looking for - Understanding.

Wife is away this weekend

My wife is going away this weekend to visit her parents.

She is taking some of the children and I am looking after others.

I am going to try to focus my mind on three things.

Doing things with the kids

Doing home cleaning

Doing home maintenance

I distinguish between cleaning and maintenance because cleaning would have once been considered 'women's work' and maintenance would have been considered 'man's' work. I know she likes me to be a man and I do not see being submissive to somehow mean abdicating from being a man. I also know she likes me to do the maintenance and I am slack at it and some times she gets plumbers and gardners and what have you in. So I am going to make a list and just work my way through it. The other commitment to my self is not to turn the TV on at all and I am telling the kids who are staying with me that the TV is to stay off and if they want to watch TV to go to the grandparents place. That way we will have less grumpy behaviour on their part and I wont waste time being sucked in by some mindless rubbish and so I can focus on getting things donw.

The end reward is much better.

Watch TV - Enjoy it while its on. -> feel like wasted time after.

Chores - Actually now I enjoy doing them while I am doing them (New head space) -> Feel good after.

List-

Mow lawn, Trim edges, trim a few trees.

Clean garage and storage area.

Tidy up outside toys.

Take rubbish to the dump.

Fix light above hot plates.

Fix bathroom door handle

Clean bath room and kitchen and verandah

Sort out linen cupboard.

Trying to communicate

I think one of the biggest hurdles that my wife and I have is communication.

Probably as a result of a few negative reactions from me. I will try to get a conversation going and then get angry when it does not go the way I want. So the end result is that we do not sit down and discuss thing. Sometimes I talk but from my point of view, she just clams up.

Last night though we managed a few sentences back and forth.

At one stage she commented that maybe I was looking for teenage infatuation. You know that love lust where all you can think of is the other person. I said "maybe I was and that what's wrong with being be so totally focussed on the other person".

She then said that "things change as you get older".

I said yes it seems that we get futher and further apart but should that be the case? Sure have other interests but in our marriage service it was declared the two have become one.

So a real issue I have to deal with is my temper. Not that I have ever punched anyone but I have gotten grumpy a few times and shouted at her a few times and stormed off in may car in a bad mood. See Cathardic expression. Get it out. Identify the problem and then start to deal with it.

Now we did have another small conversation last night where I apologised for getting angry yesterday morning at home.

I said that I was sorry and she said we live in fear of your temper. I said I don't like loosing my temper. I said I want to change but I do not seem to be able to. I said I want there to be a consequence for me and I think that you whipping me would be a good consequence.

She said that she could not do that. That doing that would be as hard as enduring my bad temper.

Hmm.

Have to think on this.

Because I do want her to be happy.
I do want her to not be afraid of my temper.
I do want to be consistent.
I do not wish to loose my temper. It does not make me feel good. Nor does it make her feel good.

just 2 tim tams

My wife and I play some social sport and tonight I scored two goals.

When we got home, I was feeling a bit tired but I have to go out to get our 14yo. My wife offered me me tea or coffee but I declined because coffee would keep me awake all night and I would be half a sleep tomorrow. A few minutes later she appeared with a hot chocolate and two tim tams. I felt a tad guilty about her waiting on me but got right into the chocolate.

When I was done I sat back but you know once you start on chocolate .....

So I said to her "How about another tim tam for the road"

and she said with a smile "how many goals did you score"

A discussion with the wife

Well last night I had a bit of a discussion with the wife.
I believe that communication is a big hurdle.
Also she does not have a kinky bone in her body.

I think that Having one fetish, irrespective of what it is, I believe makes a person open and understand others even though they may have a totally different fetish. But if you have no fetish of any kind then it is impossible or maybe very very hard to understand a fetish.

The second thing is that whereas men are driven by their sex drive and I think for the most part recognise that and recognise that they need to distinguish between sex deive driven action and socially acceptable activities. Women on the other hand, as a sweeping generalisation, do not have that drive but at times engage in behaviours that are well motivated but are obsessive and in more extreme cases can be unintentionally abusive.

Let me try and give an example or two. Using kids to try to make it pretty darn obvious here. A man may abuse a girl and it is pretty darn clear the line between abuse and OK behaviour. Pat a girl (child) on her back - OK. Put your hand on her thigh - Abuse. Now I have heard women discussing with each othergetting their kids put on ADHD drugs. Almost trying to out do each other. One woman I heard say "I had to take [little darling] to four doctors before I could get him on [unpronoucible behaviour modification drug]"and the other mothers were just allover each other with similar stories and none of them seemed to see that this was just plain weird.

But what does all that mean. Well what I am trying to do is to get my wife to actually recognise and think about her behaviours. Not that they are necessarilly abusive but to think rather than just do on autopilot.

Now it is not that she does not think at all. Sometimes she does do things just for my pleasure. Like giving me a quicke. But I guess it seems to me that she has certain ingrained concervative attitudes.

So that is why I am on the lookout for movies that are just a little bit kinky. I thank those who suggested movies with male sub, female dom scenes but these were mainstream movies. I may still point these things out to her but I was looking for a movie that would be just into the kinky side ie almost mainstream but maybe soft soft porn if that is the way to consider it. Also that is why I am on the lookout to meet someone with a kink. I am not looking to bring some doniatrix clad in shiny black vynal over to meet my wife (much as my wife dressing like that would turn me on) but that would just totally freak her out (that I would even consider wanting her to dress like that although she actually knows that I would like that. She would see that as me pressurising her). What would be ideal would be Mr & Mrs ordinary where they are just a bit further down the road to this submission thing.

Anyway those are the thoughts for the day.

Other Blogs

It is fascinating to read other peoples blogs.

It is also interesting to note just how many men seem to be similar to me. The craving for intimacy and attention from their wife. A willingness to do anything for their wife and yet at the same time a feeling of unwantedness and aloneness.

There are some who seem to have really gotten it together. Where the wife is willing and able to be involved. To me the benefits are obvious but I guess women are very very complicated beings. I would love to hear from women here too. Of any persuasion dominant , submissive, middle of the road. However they describe themselves.

There seems to be a trend where there is initial enthusiasm and eventually people drift to a position of boring self absorbed middle ground. It seems to me that for some reason, the girls get tired of being dominant. ?????

I would also love to one day meet a woman in real life who is either overtly dominant or submissive and especially if they are both Christian and into BDSM. I would love to sit down with them and my wife over a meal and have her talk about her experiences and thoughts.

church leader

As I sat in Church this morning with my daughter by my side, I looked at the dais and I was so proud of my wife as she stood at the microphone leading the church in song. She does this so well. She is a natural.

Our church has a female paster too. I muse to my self in a day dreamy type of way that some churches are up tight about about the man - woman thing. Yet here we have a church where man and women are being lead and taught by women. Nothing to do with anything kinky just that they are good organisers and competent leaders.

In the bible it talks about being made in the image of God. But given the bible was written by men (inspired by God) and considering the propensity of our species for self promotion, it is fairy unlikely that the good Lord is him/her/it's self is blessed with genitals of any sort.

She then came and sat with me and that was great. Nothing like being associated with greatness.

Collection time came and she reached for her purse and pulled out a $50 note and then reached in and pulled out a second $50 note and said I thought we would give this to make up for last week. Now I am supposed to be focussing on God here but all I can think about is how she has taken the lead here. Firstly she made all the decisions but used the word WE. She chose to give $50 and then another $50. Money I earned. She spent in a way she chose.

Then she hopped up and sang a solo accompanied by the organist. I was thinking women leading and smiled as I realised that the organist was a male. The organ supporting the singing.

Now note that in saying this bit about the male organist and he is supporting. In a way this is submissive. But he is competent. She chose the song. He plays the tune. He has skill. Submission is not about loosing your mind.

At the end, one of the other guys comments to me about how competent my wife is and it just reinforces what I already know but it was nice to hear.

Decisions Decisions

There are some decision that I just do not like making.

On Friday, my wife sends me this email (names changed to protect the guilty)

Hello dear,

The [band] have their last Bris gig [date] at the[venue].

1pm or 8pm shows

Groups 10+ $$$(or $$$$ full price)

[eldest child 14yo] is interested and would like to bring some friends.

Last year [list of friends names], and others came too. [name] was supposed to come.

Mum & Dad may be interested.

Would you like to come?

What time?

How many tickets should I book?

I do not even want to think about such decision. Social calender is her domain.

I just want her to tell me that I am going to this event or I am looking after the kids.

Friday Night

Well its Friday night.

The wife is out.

I have kids to look after and a kitchen to clean.

So domestic.

Being a typical guy - driven with a one track mind, my personal challenge is to see how clean I can make the kitchen.

Submissive Sex

Last night we were lying in bed and nothing much was hapening. I was turned on (as always) and she was reading.

She said "would you like a quickie"

Now a teen boy may jump at a girl who offers raw sex. No strings attached. But right now, that just not do it for me.

I said "I enjoy it when you cum"

"I'm a slow oven" she says.

I said "We can take the time to warm you up"

She goes back to her reading and I feel frustrated. I want to talk. She just does not understand.

I say to no one in partuicular "Why should I have a quickie"

"you need it" she says. Otherwise you get grumpy.
and here I am developing that grumpy feeling. I can feel myself getting grumpy and I don't like it.

So I say in one long speach
"I don't need sexual release. I need intimacy, love, attention.
I get enjoyment from just getting you to cum.
I would like to take the time to get you turned on.
I get turned on by the idea of you controlling when I cum.
I would like to be able to hold off until you cum rather than just have release.
Release sounds so weak."
There ended the speach and I think she detected a note of frustration in my voice.

Off to sleep we both went.

In the morning, she got up and went to the toilet and came back to bed, locking the bedroom door on the way.
I am instantly awake. This is a good sign.
She climbed into bed.
She reached down under the covers and pulled off my boxers.
This is good. I am getting hard by the second.
She pulled off her panties and rolled on top of me and started to push herself on.
I asked if she would like some lube (we keep that for when she gives me a quickie. Shows how not turned on she often is).
She declines the lube and keeps rubbing and working her way on.
I am on my back.
She is on top.
I am so so close to cumming but I hold off.
She moves and moves and I am worrying two ways. That she wont cum at all and get frustrated and that I will loose control and cum.
Finally she cums and relaxes on top of me.
Ahh that was so nice I am thinking.

Then she says, "Roll me over and lets deal with you" (meaning me).
I said "Don't let me cum. Make me hold off".
She said "I am about to get my period. It will be a whole week"
I said "tease me"
she said "Its not worth it, you just get grumpy"
I said "tease me. Have some fun"
So she pulled off and rolled over.

And that my friends is how I started my day today.

The secretary

I surupticously watched a movie called the secretary last night.

I had seen it discussed around the place and though it would be interesting to see. Now there is some risk here in that it is male domiant female submissive and of course I am the other way round. But anyway my observations were

I have some of her (the submissivies) traits.

When she gets stressed, she self harms. Well I don't do that but I do go check to my blog to see in anyone has commented. Or go look at a video on line of someone being whipped or such.

There is a scene where the secretary is on the phone to a telemarketer and cant say no and listens to the banter and tries to be polite. Well that is sort of me.

There is another scene where she says that she wants to be the best secretary that she can be and that is certainly me. When I put my mind to doing something, then I try to do it the very best that it can be done.

Now one of the reasons I watched the video was that I want to find something gentle to do with D&s to show my wife. This is though not it though. Starting showing the sub with some kind of rod holding her arms outstretched was silly. At the end of the movie maybe but not suitable for showing my concervative middle of the road wife. She would probably think I wanted to do that to her.

I also thought the guy was a dweeb. There was a time in the movie when it all looked good. He spanked her to make her focus- OK. He instructed her not to self harm and she didn't - OK but then he just seemed to ignore her. She was desparate for him and he was not there for her.

I can understand him loosing his nerve but it seemed to me he was just a dweeb.

So I am looking for a movie to show my wife.

The only one that she has seen that was a little out of left field was "Eyes Wide Shut" with Nicole Kidman in it. There was a scene with two girls kissing and I think a few people tied up. My wife did get truned on by the two girls kissing. So as you can see she is pretty middle of the road.

So any suggestions of movies is greatly appreciated.

Competent Men

Here is an interesting article by James May of Top Gear fame.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/31/james-may-diy

I was taken by these paragraphs

"I sense a change in the national mood: men don't want to be hopeless any more, and women – well, they are fed up with the notion of beer-swilling blokes who just watch the football all afternoon. They don't want us to be useless: they want us to have a bit more clout and be a bit more dependable."

I agree. Women want men to be strong, competent and dependable.
The article in its self does not deal with the idea of men being submissive but it does point out that men are good at tinkering. Single minded task oriented and not so social.

To me this dovetails nicely with women who are social, multi tasking and often have a more rational overview of relationships and life in general.

So as a man, I enjoy the tinkering, the DIY, the practical stuff. I have no desire to be hopeless. To me being submissive does not equate to being incompetent or wimpy.

I am happy to leave the socialisation and organising the social calender to my wife. When she decides then I implement. If the tap is leaking, then I fix it. If the car needs servicing, then I take care of it. I would like to take it further. She needs a drink, I fetch it. She wants a foot massage, I oblige.

Could work for both of us.

And what I would like is that if I am very good then I get sex
If I am just OK then nothing hapens. (certainly not sex)
And if I am bad I would like there to be a punishment. In may case I have fanticised about her whipping me.

We will see.

Support

I wonder how people find this blog.

When I type submissive husband blog into google, I find subservient-husband.blogspot.com as the second hit. But how do even get my blog to appear on the radar.

Why do I want others to find it? Well as a sort of personal validation I think. I am sort of scared of the path I am going down and also although I crave being submissive to my wife I am also scared of loosing power. Scared of being totally under her control. Which is weird.

I am also interested in advice on how to get her to come around to being willing to be in control.

My current plan is to keep being submissive and doing things for her for about a month and then I think write her a letter outlining how I feel and what I am looking for and to try to let her know that it is OK for her to be selfish in the bed room. bla bla bla.

just another night

Got home from work a few minutes late. Dinner not ready. Normally this would anoy me. I just smiled and kissed wife and kids. Decided best not to step in and finish dinner as this might cuase the wife to feel judged. Went to the fridge and chose a bottle of white wine and poured her a glass.

After dinner I did the washing up. Most of the washing up was done before putting the kids to bed. After we had done that, she started doing the remainder of the washing up. I gently suggested that I would do that to free her up to do other things. That turned out to be sewing a fancy dress costume for one of our kids.

Having finished the washing up, and making sure the kitchen was neat and all the benches wiped down, I chose to tidy the top of the side board in the dining room. This is cluttered with years of old school photos, photos in frames, 8x10 prints of school photos, about half a dozen 3rd world kids that we sponsor through world vision, school reports, various art treasures created by kids so long ago that even they have forgotton, candles, innumerble batteries. I pulled all the small photos and put them in an album. All the larger photos and school reports were gathered and I slipped them into a book case while noting that I really need a file for each child. Batteries and other junk was just binned. Then the remainder considered too hard right now was left there. Personally I would de frame all the photos and put them in albums too because they take less room but we will leave that because she may see that as threatening.

Turned down the bed. Put the water on the bed side table. Noted no TV tonight. turned on her bedside light. Hopped into bed.

After she hopped into bed I asked if she wanted to get turned on. She said for me to put my hand on her leg. This is a good sign. Then she took off her panties and asked me to come down on her. I went as gently as I could. Then I was careful not to lay all my weight on her. I was suspicious that she was not turned on but just wanted me to cum. Something I do not want to do as I have described elsewhere, I want to focus on getting her turned on. But I also want her to actively lead at least in the sex department. I tried to tell her that and said that I wanted her to cum and that I would like her to roll us over so she is on top. She did that, I think somewhat reluctantly anyway eventually she came and then rolled us back and told me to cum. So I did although I would have found it more of a turn on if she had said "that was good now yu hold off till I want you next."

:)