A better headspace

I've begun to move into a much better head space.

Some self impose rules that are both to protect my mental space and also a bit of self indulgent 'mind fuck' for me.

These are all in the bedroom rules as that is where the grief seems to happen.

The rules are
#1 watch out if I am getting angry and if I am then don't continue the conversation. 
#2 Don't ask what she is thinking.  That always ends in grief.  See rule #1.  I ask the question, hoping beyond hope that just once the answer would have something to do with sex.  never is.  She always answers along the lines of something she has to do or organise.
#3 Don't ask for sex.  It's just patetic.
#4 No masturbation. 
#5 I will put my arms around her and hug her but I will be careful not to grope.  I think she is OK with a squeeze of a boob but no hands between legs.  Being careful here.
#6 No grinding or spooning.  Trying to be consistent with #3 here.

This seems to be working.  The atmosphere in the house is much nicer.

Certainly I am in a more positive head space.

And we had sex the other day.  The only way she orgasms is to be on top.  My observation is that the only time she gets turned on is in the week before her period is due.  Anyway we ended up in bed.  Hug, kiss & cuddle and she asked if I wanted sex and how would I like it.

Now, in a sub way, I actually wish she would not ask because there are two answers to that and neither of them seem to work for her.  One answer is "Please don't ask me just tell me what you'd like or just do it but don't ask".  Thats the sub me answer.  The other, from the era of dominant me would be "Don't ask me, don't tell me, just do what I say and I'll satisfy myself my way and don't complain later"  ie me being dominant rather than sub and that just leads to grief so I don't wish to get into that head space.  I'd rather stay in sub mode.

Anyway she gets me to enter her from on top.  Then we roll over so she is on top and then she starts to get aroused and cum and I try to cum at the same time.  But after she came we stopped and she relaxed on top of me and I love that.  then she started tightening her self over my still erect cock and that got me all turned on again.  Then she rode me a bit plus she squeezes my breasts and that's painful but arousing.  Not long and I came.  That was great. 

I'd gone over a month with no orgasm and that's a mind fuck in it's own way and then came with her on top.  So nice.

no orgasm for almost 2 weeks

Almost 2 weeks now.

Abstinance Narcisism and multi syllable words

The marriage is still tense. 

She is still controlling in what I would describe as a narcissistic manner. 

She sent me a text message stating "I am going to visit so and so this evening"  so that is confident and in charge - OK.

Me being of the submissive persuasion are happy to accept that.
I would have texted "Is it OK if I go and visit so and so this evening".
Not expecting her to do that.

I was left though in a quandary.  Did she want me to go or was she wishing to go on her own.  Maybe she wanted to have a private conversation or such.  It would have been nice from my sub perspective if she had answered that question.  So I had to word a text in reply acknowledging that I understood she was going and to enquire as to whether she wished me to go with her.  I did not wish to impose myself on her or put her in a position where she felt obligated to take me.  This can occur if I word it in a way that makes it sound like I feel hurt that I am not invited for example.  So I was very careful to word it in a way that did not force her hand.  She responded that she would like to come with her.  Status clarified and I was relaxed.  In the end, the kids came too and the people we were visiting put on a dinner for all.  While we were there I excused myself and had a bit of a cat nap.  Two reasons.  Firstly so that I would be fresh and awake so I could drive her home and secondly just in case she wanted to have private conversations but had not said so.  So that all ended well.

On the sexual front, had a short but nice discussion with her.  Basically along the lines that we know that my love language is physical touch and that any physical touch conveys love to me.  Her love languages are acts of service and words of encouragement. 

We also discussed how pretty much anything gets me sexually aroused but that love is more than sex.  With her, she is very sexually conservative and so much stops her getting turned on or something.

She gives me sex out of obligation - which I hate and does nothing really for her even if it is an "act of service"

Anyway the end result of this was that we agreed on two weeks abstinence for me.  We are a few days into it and already I am wishing for release but at the same time wanting to continue.

Just crusin

So nothing much is happening in our family.

The wife is neither dominant nor submissive nor sexual really at all.

The submissive side of me has to be satisfied with a bit of dreaming and fantasising and wot not.

On the practical side ive tried to churn through some home maintenance tasks.  Fixing the fence, a light here a tap washer there and so on.  Service.

I noted my teenage son has the pina colada song in his play list on spoitfy and has played it a few times.  He is quite a sensitive kid and I'm sure he's detected the marital tension.  In fact the other night the kids were in the lounge talking about people characteristics.  Mine was a lousy memory but mum's was she never hears anything unless she wants to hear it.  She was right there in the room and one of the kids said "isn't that right mum" and she looked up and said "what" and everyone laughed.  Inside I just thought that's because she is basically narcissistic.  I believe that is the term.  Basically all about her.   Bit frustrating actually.

Anyway back to the pina colada song, I ended up chatting to a recently divorced woman on facebook that I have known for years.  Just because my wife has no interest in discussing feelings. or anything for that matter.  Made me think though that if I were to have an affair, the woman in question would at he very least need to have some kind of kink.  My theory goes that if a person has one kink then they can understand and sympathise with someone having a different kink.  But a vanilla person has no idea, no understanding & no sympathy.  Even better if the girl were to share my kink but that would not be a precondition.

And here are the lyrics

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me, and escape"1

I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad

"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape"

So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you"
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"

"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape"

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, come with me, and escape"

Songwriters
RUPERT HOLMES

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more: Rupert Holmes - Escape (the Pina Colada Song). Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The old sub introspective

I wonder if the sub male in me is simultaneously trying to accomplish:
a) Satisfy the sex drive and
b) Not wanting to take responsibility for anything or at least anything that requires too much serious thought or that has any significant consequences.

There is a certain calmness when one has no responsibility.  A could not give a s**t.

getting back to (a) "satisfying the sex drive does not necessarily mean getting an orgasm.  One can do that with ones hand.  But what a unsatisfying orgasm that is.  I think it is wanting to have an intimate connection with someone who cares and shows they care.

A little secret sub sex

In a (for the moment) surprising turn of events last night the wife offered sex.

As a bit of background, she will be out of town for a few days.  She is also obviously aware that I tend to get a bit moody or depressed.  So maybe that was a motivator.

We had hugged and kissed and that was great for me.
I asked what I could do for her and she said that she was OK.
I actually find that in its self a downer.  I have to just let it go.

As we lie in bed, I am torn between a few things
1. Wanting a close intimate relationship
2. Wanting sex in a physical sense.
3. Wanting her to feel love for me
4. Wanting tease and titillation, denial and so on.

So she played with me.  touching and stroking as well as pinching my nipples hard.  The pain brings pleasure and waves of submissiveness wash over me.  I get rock hard.  so nice.

Anyway she lay on her back and told me to get my pants off.  So taking the line of 'do what I am told' obviously coupled with this being sex and also it's physically close touching. 

The really nice thing was once I was inside her she had us roll over and she worked herself up.  It is pretty hard for her to reach orgasm.  Any little distraction puts an end to it.  I've learned that the most helpful thing I can do is put my hands on her bum and leave them there.  Not talk.  Move to assist but lying still is better than too much attempted help on my part.

Then she came.

For me that was great.

She then wanted us to roll over so I was on top and for and me to cum.  I tried to engage her in denying me but she is just not into it.

At one stage, she just lay there with her hands beside her while I was humping away.  I was on edge but I guess these unmet desires for denial and so on were messing with me plus I guess getting older plus the feeling that being on top is somehow kind of wrong.  Anyway when she just lay there I went into this transcend sort of sub space where I imagined being her and having to be totally submissive and just lying there having been instructed by a male dominant that he wanted sex.  Pretty mixed up but anyway.  I guess one of the interesting things for me was that I did not imagine myself as the dominant.  I did not orgasm with feelings of power or being able to get this woman to just lie there.  Anyway that's the report for today.

Why the madness

The shooting in Florida.  I wonder why the madness.  Why do people seek to impose their will by violence on others.

My sympathies and thoughts go out to those affected.

I understand that there are people in this world who hold different views to me but what drives them to want to exert their will by violence and yet I don't.  Like my thing is that I'm OK with you being different to me.  I don't wish to force you to be like me and I don't wish to kill you if you don't agree with me.  I don't understand why for others though they wish to kill those who are different from them.

My thoughts then go to all those other victims of violent crime all over the world that we don't hear about.  The Florida massacre is all over our news but there are killings every day all over the world and mostly we don't hear about them.  My heart goes out to those people and their families too.

Then I think "I really don't want to know".  I know that sounds weak and an excuse but too much of this just gets me down.  I wish for a peaceful world and a peaceful world for all.

Movie - The Intern

Just saw the movie "The Intern".

Old guy gets a internship with a company that sells to women on the internet.  It's a start up with tones of energy run by a competent, young, energetic young woman.  The old guy is assigned to work for her. 

 First half great.  Second half ho hum. 

She is over busy and has not learned to delegate.

At home, stay at home dad is uber supportive.  Does not tell her how to run the business.  Does support her.  Loves keeping house and looking after the kid and we discover that pre kid he had been successful (in marketing I think).  So in my view really doing the stay at home husband role well.

At home he has an affair - I thought this was a necessary and obvious sub plot to include.  I thought the movie handled it poorly.  At the kink level, I wanted her to overtly insist on his chastity and give him a dam good whipping.  At the very least, given it was a mainstream movie, they should have addressed the "she is too tired for sex" issue.

It would have tied in well with the work story line where she was over her head and needed to learn to delegate.  She was way too busy and disconnected.  In my view the business had grown past her and she needed to have a growth spurt and get on top of it again and that only comes through delegation

The end is weak as - he suddenly fades, takes heart? pills and goes back to palates in the park - How weak was that. 

Submissive response to deal with internal frustration and anger

It's raining cats and dogs.  Bucketing down.  I love the sound of rain on a tin roof.  I find it relaxing and intimate.  Snuggling weather.  getting close and getting aroused.

So we are in bed, listening to the rain, snuggled up.  I ask if I can touch her breasts.  She says yes.  I gently slide my hand up under her pyjama top ( & tee shirt that she has under it) and gently caress her breast.  I find that nice.  I wish she did but ...anyway.... 

Then I remove my hand and start with one hand to unbutton her pyjama top. 
She snaps "What are you unbuttoning for" ?
Oops.  I have not asked.  She likes to be in control.
I can feel the anger rising inside me.
Why the fuck can't she just let go.  just go with it.  Let things flow. 
But she can't. 
She hadn't given permission.  It was outside of her control and she did not like it and marked the boundary.

I rolled from my side snuggled up beside her to my back and just lay there. 
Trying to calm myself.  I really really do not want this to end up with me blowing my stack out of frustration and spoiling the day for both of us.

I retreat into a submissive state of mind.
Let her be in control.  Let her run the activities.

And thankfully she does.
She strokes my penis and I go hard.
After a time she rolls on top of me.  Then reaches across to the bedside table and takes out a plastic bag and puts some baby oil in it.  She puts that over my penis and starts to masturbate me.  At the same time she pinches one nipple then the other.  She knows I like this.  Long slow strokes from the top of my penis right to the bottom and back up.  Nice and tight.  Interspersed with the pain of one nipple or the other being squeezed.  She kisses me on the lips and we play tongues. 
I cum oooh oh oh oh and she keeps massaging my penis and the orgasm fires and fires.  It's exhausting and I am spent.  We both lie and relax.

Naturally I ponder the dynamic.

Sub Driving

I watched a movie (I think) called "The Duke of Burgundy".  I found it pretty boring and skipped chunks of it.  There was a kinky flavour to it and so of course more interest than I otherwise would have had.

The jist is that there seemed to be two female lovers.  One was sub and the other effectively foisted into the position of dom.  An interesting parallel with my marriage.  The difference being that the dom character in the movie put some effort into the dom role whereas my wife does not.  more later.

Some titillating scenes, the sub has been instructed to clean th dom's boots but stops and is told off by the dom.  The sub escalates by stopping again and bring her stoppedness to the doms attention because what the sub wants is punishment.

Another scene involved them trying to buy a bed where there is a box section under where the sub can be placed.  the sub character is keen on being forced in.  The dom character is really more vanilla and really just wants the sub character to lie in bed with her.  They are unable to get the bed in time for the sub's birthday (was to be a birthday present) due to manufacturing lead times and the lady selling the bed suggests that they could supply a 'human toilet' construction.  The dom character excuses herself and in hindsight I suspect the thought appalled her.  Later the sub finds a coffin sized box and that is brought up to the bed room.  Then we see the sub is put to bed in it.  Tied up and locked in but in the middle of the night she makes a racket and gets the dom character to open up and un tie her.  When the dom asks if she is alright she says "It was just a mosquito". 

So misunderstanding of roles by the dom who in my opinion, having established that the sub is  driving the show and has disturbed the doms sleep, the dom should have whipped the sub and put her back in the box until she was really freaked out.  ie punish 'till it goes past sub enjoyment (but not past safe).

Back to reality and I had one of those fruitless train wreck conversations with my wife.  I asked if she was enjoying being the leader.  She said this was one of the fundamental differences between us that she did not think there needed to be an identified leader and that we should work as a team.  Whereas, in my view, she is unequivocally the leader.  She just does not vocalise it.  I [made the mistake] of pointing out that we are all subject to authority above us and most of us have people who are under us.  There is a chain of command.  She, in my view, just does not acknowledge that.  I also notes several of our friends where one partner or the other is very obviously the dominant or leading partner.  One where the wife is very much "in charge" and the other where the wife is to a degree submitted to her husband.  More in big decisions that day to day stuff but still she takes her lead from him. 

In the end the jist of it is that like in the move, the sub (me) is driving the agenda and she (the dom) is not liking it and does not get into it. 

Intimacy. Busyness & tension

I crave intimacy.  At present the wife is 'intimate' to a degree.  But to me the relationship is tense.  I read many blogs that just seem so free.  Whether it is the male or the female who is the dom or the sub, it seems that the kink or BDSM world encourages communication and that seems to me to be essential for intimacy.

I was reading a stimulating posting on intimacy here
https://im-hers.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/thoughts-on-intimacy.html
I'm going to quote his quote

“Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.

Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.

We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.

All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clichés of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.

Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”

I feel, I think .... betrayed.  I feel that by sharing my kink with my wife that I have pushed her away.  Reduced intimacy.  What I really crave I have lost.  Possibly the more I crave it the more desperate I become and the less likely I am to receive it.  I ponder to, maybe she feels betrayed.  I wonder if she had a certain mental picture of what a husband should be like and when I did not fit that picture, the shutters went up.

We had her brother stay with us over the weekend.  He knows we have been having marital issues.  This morning he sat with the two of us and asked if we wanted to hear his take on what he observed over the weekend.  We both agreed.  He served it out to both of us.  I had to suck up that I was not perfect.  He had observed a conversation between my wife and I where I had walked out of the kitchen in the middle of the conversation and she had apparently just looked at the ceiling.  I will make a conscious effort to ensure the conversation is finished before leaving in future.  He though was able to tell her several things that I have felt.  Like he pointed out that she being so busy was hurting the marriage.  That she rejected others offers of help and then would be run ragged doing doing and doing.  For example apparently one of our kids offered to help make lunch.  After offering two or three times and being rejected she said that he could peel  carrots.  She then proceeded to get a carrot of the bag and peel it despite him asking repeatedly for the peeler and insisting that he can do it.  (He's 14 BTW). 

So I guess I feel there is a lot of tension at home and a lot of lightness in blogland.

I wish - plastic

I would love her to put plastic sheets on the bed (or instruct me to do it).
Then pour some baby oil between them and the two of us get naked and get in.
Unlikely to happen.  Even talking about plastic is not allowed.

When nothing much is happeningn the mind wanders

Nothing in a sexual sense happening in my life so the mind searches for stimulation.

Read an interview on this blog
http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/interview-with-julie.html
The interviewer sent a set of questions to the female blogger who is a dom and her husband is sub.
I found it wonderful to read.  So nice to read of a relationship that is so honest and open.  I contrasted that with the relationship with my wife where I regret that I ever told her of my fetish kink side and now days I feel the need to carefully measure what I am going to say.

Gender view

Experienced an example of how gender is being neutered.  At a school function and a family were there with two kids.  I though two girls.  Turned out a boy and a girl.  Twins.  10yo.  Both had short hair but in a pixie cut.  They were both in identical school uniform which has some gender neutral variants in this case shorts and a polo shirt.  Naturally I was curious and so asked a few questions while chatting with the parents.  Turns out that the kids play on the twins thing and actually try hard to look alike.  The like to have fun confusing people.  Also it seems that the parents encourage this kind of both sexes and either sex thing.  They said that they have lots of identical clothes and mum at one stage said "we keep suggesting that he wear a skirt".  Apparently a balks at that.

Hand job on my back

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Story writing - I wonder if it's any good

Thought I would have a go at writing.  It's not FLR more traditional sub female roles so feel free to ignore it.

I'm keen for feedback.  Edit or rewrite.  Just post a comment.

The jist of the story line is
Two girls flying from Australia to the UK for a 1 year holiday "Gap Year".
Similar names.
There is a mix up and they each go off with the people who were supposed to meet the other.
One was expecting a kink experience
The other was a bit of stuck up rich girl ends up in the kink environment.
The one looking for the kink experience ends up in a more lase fare arty group.

How long before each of them realises the mix up.
What about the reactions of those around them?
What happens when mix up is discovered? How do people react.

CHAPTER 1
At 20 Jodie Alexis Smith sat fidgeting it seat 37D.  She was unsure whether she'd made the right decision.  Never quite fitting in completely.  Yes she had friends.  Straight friends.  no one with whom she could have entrusted her inner thoughts and feelings.  This coupled with moodiness and on and off again fighting with her mum had resulted in her turning to the internet for comfort. 

Eventually after wading past what seemed an insurmountable male oriented porn she had discovered a web site that seemed to resonate with her.  A retreat for people with kinky sexual desires was looking for a maid.  A one year internship.  Structure stability and clear rules appealed to her.  The threat of the cane or spanking was both titillating and frightening to her.
   
Unbeknownst to Jodie Alexis Smith of 37D fifteen rows in front of her was Jodie Sarah Alexis in 22A.  Precocious to the point of annoying her Mother and Father who had ensured Jodie had received an education at the best private girls school Sydney had to offer.  Jodie was what the casual observer would describe as a self absorbed stuck up rich girl.  At 19 Jodie had bombed out of her first year university course as a result of prioritising her social life above her study life. 

The time had come for her to "find herself" a gap year was proposed and with her parents help tickets purchased and arrangements made.  Jodie having lost interest in the detail had just gone along with it.  So now she found herself aboard the London bound 787.

As the plane pushed back from the gate, a hostess leaned over and spoke to her.  It took Jodie a few seconds to disengage her concentration from updating her facebook status by which time the hostess was repeating her name for the third time.  Finally Jodie managed to refocus her attention and smiled politely at the attendant.  Her good looks, smile and general positive attitude, unknownst to her, had  kept her at the top of the social ladder and "in" with a large circle of friends.  So quickly she was able to turn on the charm and respond the hostess with a smile.  The hostess frustration melted like so many before her and she handed over an A4 envelope with "Jodie Alexis" hand written across the front.  At the same time saying "This was left on your seat in the departure lounge"  Her phone was vibrating.  Each shiver represented a "like" and she was keen to check just how popular her departure was and so she smiled at the hostess, took the envelope and shoved it into the seat pocket in front of her.  Not recognising the envelope, her assumption was it was another attempt by her mother to organise her life.  Didn't her mother giver her any credit for anything.

40 hours later and Jodie Alexis Smith of 37D had distracted herself from her inner uncertainties and fidgeting with activity.  She'd completed all the puzzels and crosswords at the same time as working her way through as many of the movies in the catalogue as she could.  When she bored of the puzzles she'd read a few chapters her rather should we say 'alternative'  novel.  She was angry with herself for misplacing the envelope and hoping it was in her luggage although she was sure she'd had it with her.  The trip to the airport had been rather emotional with yet another screaming match with her mother who could not understand why she needed to go over seas.

Separated from the internet, Jodie Sarah Alexis of 22A had initially struck up a conversation with the middle aged man beside her who was more than willing to talk to the good looking and cheerful girl beside her.  Quickly tiring of that activity she too had read through the inflight magazine admiring the merchandise and reading the captions of the photos of exotic places.  Finally a few movies and drifting off to sleep.

-------------------------
Landing, clearing immigration and customs for both girls had gone smoothly with Jodie Sarah Alexis of 22A  emerging into the arrivals hall first.  She looked around to see who had come to greet her.  Somewhat deflated to discover no screaming crowd although one wonders why she might have ever expected that.  As she pulled her too large suitcase and looking around she saw a line of people, mostly men holding signs with names on them.  As she scanned she noticed some were printed on paper and some were names on I-pads.  She took a double take.  There was her name "Jodie Alexis".  White letters on a black background.  She widened her field of view.  Her name was on an I-pad held by a woman.  Thin.  beautiful.  Dressed all in black.  High heels, black tights and miniskirt and a black jacket. 

Having lived at the upper end of society, Jodie did not consider being met at all odd.  Trailing her suitcase she approached the girl and said "Hi.  I'm Jodie Alexis".  The girl's initial reaction in the form of a muffled intake of breath smiled and offered to take her suitcase.  The short journey from customs had reminded Jodie of the weight and she was more than happy for the girl to take it.

Jodie tagged along as the girl walked tall and purposefully to the pick up area.  As she walked, the girl pulled Jodie's suitcase with one hand and produced a mobile phone and placed a short call with the other.  They had barely reached the pickup zone when a Rolls-Royce glided to a stop in front of them.  The driver stowed the suitcase and the girl held the door for Jodie to enter.  As the car pulled away, Jodie asked the girl, who had hither to been silent if her mother had organised this.  The lady answered that "lady Elizabeth" had instructed the pickup. 

<More conversation as the car drives -- needed here>

Jodie Alexis Smith of 37D entered the arrivals hall just in time to miss the girl switch off her I-pad and turn away trailing Jodie Sarah Alexis' suitcase.  Jodie Smith began to wander around wondering what to do.  She had understood she was to be met but had no idea by whom.  Gradually all the other passengers from her flight dispersed either with friends or to find taxi's or trains to take them to their next destination.

Suddenly a overly effervescent woman approach her and said "Are you Jodie Alexis"? to which she replied yes.  "Sorry I'm late lets get going we have the parking man trying to get rid of us"  She started to stride off toward the outside at a great pace.  At the kerb was a van with the side door open.  Music coming out the door and two young girls chatting up the parking attendant resplendent in his orange safety vest.  As the lady and Jodie arrived they hoiked the suitcase into the van and climbed in.  The two girls shouted thanks and good by and climbed in as well.  The van pulling away with side door still open.  One of the occupants slid the door closed.  The music continued and brief introductions were made.  The clatter and enthusiasm was infectious.  Somewhere Jody was told that they were on the way to a party where two of them were in a band that playing.

Sewing pattern

Taken from the junk mail that landed in our letterbox.
The purple girl caught my eye and not just because she has a cute face.

Other Peoples Lives

It's fascinating reading about and talking with other people.  I get quite depressed about my life.  When I read or talk with others I start to feel lightened.  Maybe some voyeuristic rush, who knows.

On the personal side, I have been amazed and educated about the drama that goes on inside the families of my mates.  Just this morning a group of us had had a training session that concluded of course with coffee.  Some of the guys got onto discussing teenage angst and that morphed into just general home life melodrama.  Now these are not your stereotyped low social economic types.  These are upper middle class well to do.  You know the types.  Battery flat in the Beamer so take the wife's Tesla type of thing.

One fellow had literally kicked his older kid (Just out of school) out for a couple of months and the kid had gone and taken up residence in a backpackers.   Apparently he had had to restrain the kid from hitting his mother but also after the event he privately spoke to the mother about how she had wound up the kid.  Wrong all round.

Another fellows daughter had been unable to get a job after graduating from uni and got depressed.  Spent 6 months pretty much in bed.

Makes my self satisfying depression seem pointless.

In the blog sphere, I have enjoyed reading various blogs.  Recently discovered these two blogs:-
http://dominant-wife.blogspot.com.au/
https://amaninmyposition.wordpress.com/
They are a husband and wife in a FLR.  With a willing female maid who is sub to the wife and dom to the husband.  Maid gets spanked.  Husband gets to penetrate the maid at the wife's direction but not to cum.  In fact he is kept chaste pretty much all the time.  The sexual tension is exciting. 

I also enjoy this fellows blog
http://subhubphx.blogspot.com

What is worse I wonder:
a) Me shouting at her in the middle of the night.
b) Her falling asleep on me when I am talking
?


Tonight after her work dinner that I attended with her at her request,  I confessed that I had masturbated and she said that [as punishment] she would not touch me. - Quite reasonable.  I need a 'cost'.  I would prefer a whipping.  Harder than one that I would find titillating but she is not comfortable doing that.  OK


She then asked if I really wanted to do this and I tried to explain why.  She fell asleep. (That is a big negative for me.  The message I take home is she does not care)


What I tried to say was that:-
1.  Women and libido and sex -
It seems that after a while many women loose their sex drive.  If they are married they may feel obligated to give their husbands sex.  As I understand it they can come at this from two head-spaces.  Either
from a head space or belief position where this is a sacrifice that they have to make to maintain the peace or out of obligation.  This head-space was mentioned in a SBS TV program we watched and was given a name something like sacrificial sex or mater sex.  In this the woman goes through with it but each time she dies a little inside.  The experience basically is a negative for her.
OR
From a head-space where this is a joyous sacrifice made by the wife for her husband.  This is the head-space position that many fundamentalist christian women come at sex.  In that they feel a reward for making the sacrifice and for some the bigger the sacrifice (ie dealing with pain or embarrassment) the bigger the reward.


I think my wife is in the former head-space --> that is sex is unrewarding and a little of her dies each time.


2.  So I went looking for a way to progress our relationship.  (I have tried and failed over the last few years a lot)


3.
The first thing to realise is that she is by far the dominant partner in this relationship.


Although she runs some defensive behaviours and some self protective behaviours that imply an underlying fear or self doubt (such as the over provisioning of the kitchen), In general she is very much in-charge.  She is very controlling.


This frustrated me no end.  As someone who used to be, or try to be,  "In charge" I would come up against  her and it would lead to grief.  The end result would be days if not weeks of depression for me.


So I figured a way to progress this was for me to become the submissive partner.


I found that firstly this can reduce the tension.  Submissive in the sense of just give up.  Things that drive me mad, I would just shrug my shoulders and say to myself I give up.  Being late for example.  It's late because she is late.  Deep breath and try hard to say nothing and if I take a "I give up" metal position then it was so much easier to just sit there waiting and relax rather than get angry.


In a way, try to take on a mindset like wife did in the surrended wife book.


3.
I found that many web sites and blogs promoted sexual abstinence by at least the male.
Some promoted that the woman should abstain others encouraged the woman to have sex although those would say that she should have sex when she felt like it.  Some women reported that once the pressure to have sex was lifted they started to regain their libido.


A metaphor -  when a person looses their sight, then the other senses become more highly attuned.  When the male orgasm is off the table then the couple have to look for other ways to be intimate.
Holding hands, saying nice things to each other, petting, kissing, snuggling, doing things together.


Pretty much without exception, any web site promoting any form of sexual orgasmic abstinence also promoted the importance of  spending time together and consciously looking for ways to be intimate.  Half an our a day.  Success is where you put your time.


4.
Finally when abstaining, yes usually there was the physical (& habit) struggle but there were benefits
a) Thinking of her.  Thinking of nice things to do for her.
b) More energy ( When depressed I have no energy)
c) More creative thoughts and more ability to solve complex (technical) problems.  (When depressed, I cant think straight and that leads to more lethargy)
d) Less depression.  (Mind you I imagine if I were forced against my will to abstain from sexual orgasm that I could become depressed.

Attitude and the value of a coach

I try to do some exercise most days.  Some at the gym some playing sport.  One day a week I go to the gym and have a personal trainer.  There are several reasons here.  One is to do the exercise the correct way and also to do the most appropriate exercise for me.  Another reason is to do it hard. 

A couple of weeks ago, I came down with a bad cold.  So much so I cancelled one session.  There was a bit of a long slow recovery and last Wednesday morning, I was really struggling.  So the less than 100% physical condition was compounded by a somewhat depressed state of mind associated with marital issues.

Today on the other had was completely turned around.  I was feeling positive before I got to the gym and so got may benefit from the trainer.  The point I was thinking about was providing the trainer has a reasonable degree of expertise so as to elicit my respect then even a small amount of encouragement from him/her will result in more effort from me and when the weight is such that I am struggling to get that final rep a certain strength or command in his/her voice is all it takes to get me to give that extra push. 

I liken the trainer to a "Dom" in a Dom/sub relationship.

Interestingly, I was a bit naughty and read a bit of porn on the net and totally coincidentally read some mindless mind fantasy where the two middle ages house wives are seeing a personal trainer to try and get back their youthful pre baby body shape and if they slack off then he uses the strap on them. 

I have a confession to make: I masturbated.  (Not as a result of the above porn).  Just because I was feeling blur.   There was this feeling that my wife does not care either way.  Sort of on my part wishing that she would be more overt in her wishes or more encouraging in a coach kind of way.  But it seems she is not engaged and I just felt "whatever".  The sad thing was that I was not even aroused (hard) before I started.  It was a total slack thing.

I think what I need is a coach - some kind of sex coach, or sub husband coach.  Someone to keep me honest and to encourage and push me.  In the context of this kink, and feeding the addiction, (Smile) This coach would ideally be a woman with a cane.

Payment - I guess I pay my personal trainer at the gym so it would in that context be ok to pay this coach.  I would prefer to find someone to do it for free.  Like if in fantasy land some lady wished me to take on that role for her, I would gladly do it.  For me the enjoyment of spanking her for her lack of adherence to goals would make up for the time and effort spent on that supervision.  However I guess a 50yo man does not elicit the same response from potential sex? coaches.

I had a bit of a search on the net and kinky dominatrix's seem to charge $400 plus for an hour.  That unfortunately is above budget.  Maybe $100 for a meeting once a week would be achievable.

all my friends are having marital issues too

Got together with a mate for a beer & dinner at the pub last night.  This fellow and his family go to church.  We are good friends with them and their kids.  Amongst other things, we chatted about our marital issues.  Turns out his wife and him have been having troubles too.  Shouting matches. 

It was helpful for me to talk about my relationship issues.  He did say at one stage that my wife never talks about anything deep.  He gave an example of when there was a bible study group that he and my wife were at a few years ago. 

For the uninitiated, this is kind of like a book club.  Usually get together and read some passage from the bible and read a few commentaries by experts and discuss it.  Historical perspective, cultural differences between when it was written and today and what it might mean for us individually or as a societal group.

Anyway, his comment was that my wife would only contribute superficially with the "Sunday school" answer.  By that I mean, the stock answer or 'idealised' answer.  If in doubt the answer is "Jesus".  This way she did not have to take any personal risk.  No sharing of feelings and risk of criticism.

At home,

I tried wearing a nappy last night.

Objective being too try to avoid waking in the night and consequently not getting back to sleep and then getting angry and waking my wife.

Not successful. 

Fail - it leaked.

On the plus side I did sleep more solidly.  I suspect a combination of:

a) our relationship being a bit better at this instant.  

b) We had pre-agreed to effectively no intimate stuff (snuggling, touching, groping...) for the Mon night through Thursday morning so my expectations were already 'in check'.

c) I suspect that not having to wake up enough to walk did contribute.

Anyway so some plus and enough minus to have to look for an alternative approach.

Of course there is the negative that an old man wearing a nappy and wetting the bed is pretty unattractive.

There is another advantage of the nappy is that it means my penis is encased in the nappy and therefore not able to be stroked.  This helps with the abstinence in a mental way because it cant be stroked then it is not wanting to be stroked.

Noon Update - Was musing that I have now not had release for about a week.  In moments of connectedness, my wife has mentioned that this will be a 4 week abstinence.  So far today, I have felt the tense shoulder feeling that I have felt before when going through abstinence.  I have had some ache in my balls that has come and gone.  But no hard on errections.  Normally reading blogs and so on or even thinking about abstinence makes me turned on.  


 

A bit more positive

So last night, sunday night, supposed to be "date night".  Finally got kids to bed and the date can begin.  We got into bed.  She snuggled up to me and went to sleep.  Ugh!.

Mindful of the need not to explode at her.
Feeling low.
Was already feeling low from the mornings interaction.
Took myself off to the spare room.

Slept the night.  Woke up at 1am and got angry thinking about everything.  Fitful sleep.  Got up early and went to the gym.  Finally felt 'clear'.

Came home and she was willing to chat for a few minutes.  I was very glad to hear that she had done some searching on line about getting beck together.  All uber vanilla Christian web sites.  Well three anyway.

The emphasis on showing affection and her take was that she needed to make more effort to "show affection"  which is true.   I need to see it and feel it and in my darkest hours when talking to our mutual friends they point out that she does not in general show affection nor talk to them about feelings.  Now that sounds all good and sort of objective or scientific but when one is feeling down, logic is out the window and I just want a hug (or a dam good spanking).

At one stage in the conversation, she mentioned that "showing affection" meant holding hands, being together, hugging , kissing and so on. She said one web site had included sex but that another hadn't. 

So of course we were onto one of my favourite topics and so I said that for me engaging in abstinence was to provide space.  So neither of us would expect sex.  I would not get frustrated and angry when things did not lead to sex and she would not feel obligated to provide sex.

Now I may have done a bad thing but I said that I had woken at 1am to go the toilet and could not get back to sleep and that I then festered about our relationship.  We have previously agreed that for the next three days when she works, that I will not wake her by snuggling up to her in the middle of the night and not ask her to engage in sexual titillation, stroking etc.  So I said to her that I was planning on wearing a nappy so that I can avoid getting up and therefore waking up.  So I have probably just made myself even more unattractive to her.    

Feeling v reality

Feelin' low.  Who wants to interact with someone who is down, depressed, low?

Sometimes it is better not to ask I guess.

I asked my wife "Do you love me" and her answer was yes she loves me as a person but she does not love me in a sexual sense.

Makes me feel less of a man.  Not a man at all.  Not a anything at all.

Silence v violence
We hear & see a lot in the media about violence against women and my sin it would appear is that from time to time I end up shouting at her in the middle of the night.  Maybe I should mark on the calendar when I actually loose my cool like that.  My suspicion is once or twice a month at the absolute most and often several months with no shouting at all.  My suspicion is my wife would suggest three - four times per week. 

When I asked if she could elaborate on why she did not love me the middle of the night shouting was brought up.

It seems to me that she holds onto the baggage and magnifies it.

One specific example that did stick with me was one time she told me that I had shouted at her every night in a particular week and I asked her if I had herd right and she confirmed that I had shouted at her *every* night.  I'd been out of town at least two of those nights on business.  So *every* was actually 1 or maybe 2 but she was expanding that to be pretty much continuous.

So having a bit of a sulk here.  Partially an unload time out to try and clear the negative thoughts.
Deep breath here.

One of my frustrations is her silence.  She rarely talks about her feelings.  I pour my heart out and she is silent.  Couple this with her zero libido and lack of erotic love for me and her unwillingness to talk leaves this huge silent hole in our conversation and I then just get frustrated.  It's another downward spiral.

So the media are pushing how bad violence against women is (no argument there) but is not the freezing out of men by women at least a little bit bad?

Still in the groove

Things are looking more positive.  I still have this personal failing of getting down when reality does not follow expectations. 

-On this, yesterday, my wife was out and about and I was at home but was scheduled to leave at a later time to do some kid taxi driving.  She calls to ask what time I was planning to leave and the jist of the conversation was that she would drop in.  I interpreted this as drop in for some time together.   to some degree of intimacy.  She arrived home announced she was tired and went and lay down and slept.  I immediately felt depressed.  deep breath.

- She tried to get turned on in bed but was unsuccessful.

On the positives
+ We had a small amount of hugging and touching in bed this morning. 
+ Including her asking me to lie on my tummy and she climbing on and grinding against my bum.  So if she had cum then it would have been quite exciting because it would have been without too much of my involvement.
+ She said another 3 weeks abstinence for me.
+ She came and helped me with some home maintenance.
+She wore her lycra mini sport skirt and is wearing it to the gym.


On the "Maybe I should not voice this" line I said to her that I was thinking I should try wearing a nappy to bed.  I wake about 4 times a night to pee.  This of course wakes me up and so my sleep is very broken and also sometimes I wake her up too.

The other though that I did not voice was that she is unlikely to be interested or willing to rub me through the nappy and because of it's thickness, it's unlikely to be particularly stimulating so I may be able to reduce the amount of wishing for touching by her and maybe I guess in a way make the relationship less sexual and maybe make it be a bit closer?  Not sure how to voice this particular line of thought.

She slept in tights

I love the look and feel of tights (Panty hose).  Last night I received a real treat.  We went out to the theatre and she wore tights.  The next treat was that when she came to bed, she kept them on and then the icing on the cake was that she kept them on all night.  In the past I've asked her to do this but more often than not, she has not obliged.  So this was a real treat.

+    Tights in the evening
++  Tights to bed
+++Tights all night.
+     Just touching.  No orgasms.

This places me in a very positive state of mind.  WRT the future, I am still apprehensive and excited about abstinence but I wonder whether it really is taking off her the feeling that she *has* to give me sex.  I have in recent years found it very erotic to read about people who have abstained.  It is doubly exciting when the wife is forceful and insistent on it. 

As a sub I just need to accept her decisions

With the benefit of hindsight, I need to accept her way.

Toughen up princess comes to mind for some reason.

This morning, I woke feeling like sex.  Feeling like she was not on board with the abstinence thing.  Not on board with anything actually.  Figured she used to just give me sex so started along that track.  Bit of feeling her and then asking to take her PJs off.  She said "No" quite emphatically.  This lead to an early morning conversation.

In the early morning darkness the following points were made by her.
Firstly that she had taken on board the abstinence thing but that I had gone 3 weeks she thought a reward was in order.
Next because it had been three weeks she felt that I should be building up to longer periods rather than going cold turkey.
Third because we had had a nice date night she felt I deserved a reward.

So me having a sulk after sex last Sunday night was totally misunderstanding her motivation.

She went on to say that she needs her sleep in big blocks and me getting touchy feely (read randy) in the middle of the night is a disturbance to her.

She then said that historically she had often given me sex because that would stop me disturbing her for a few nights.  Obviously I need to not disturb her when I am desperate. I requested that IF I disturb her, she needs to tell me then and there or at least that morning.  I had not realised and so I'd been continuing a behaviour that she finds annoying.

She then went on and said that Monday night through to Thursday morning I was not to do any overt sexual stuff.  No rubbing the mattress or rubbing against her.  Lie still and lie on your back.  What!  Did I jet hear clear and unambiguous instruction?  :)

Luckily tomorrow is Friday and so a little edging may be allowed.

She also said we are going for 4 weeks this time.  (this will be tough)


So overall in a weird way I am feeling better already.  How can no orgasm be a positive.  I wonder that myself.
+ clear direction
+ interest in abstinence.
+ abstinence target set.

Happy & Sad - Depression?

Feeling down here.

I note that pretty much as soon as my recent orgasm, I have felt down.  Note to others - Your boy maybe happier being made to abstain.

So at one level quite a feeling of being unloved and unlovable.  A sort of underlying sadness.  I also note that my creativity takes a real dive when this feeling is around.  Likewise bugger all drive to do anything and far too much lying on the couch.

So as well as wallowing in self pity, I figured I should try to find a new way out of it. 

I think my wife and I are in a bit of a death spiral and I feel I am the only one willing to try and break the cycle.

Wife -------does not express feelings ---------------> Husband (Feels unloved.  Feels isolated)
   |       \--<-----  Expresses words of frustration and anger--/
   |
Feels hatred or distance
from husband and
of course does not express
any feelings of love.

1.  I know I must not to express feelings of frustration and anger.
I do try but about once a week or two I boil over.  So that is not working.

2. I will try a new thing and that is to write down when she does express some kind of affection.  However small or quick.  Maybe that will be me a more positive spin on my existance.

+++ So this morning she came and gave me a hug and kiss in the kitchen.
+++ I had reason to come home after gym session and lay down on our bed and she at my request lay beside me for moment.  (obviously at that time of the morning time is of the essence)
+ Made me lunch to take to work
+ responded to a "Have a nice day" text I sent her.

Ah I feel better already.

How do you show you love someone

It feels like she does not love me.  It feels.....

Got me thinking how do we show someone that we love them?

I think my wife loves me but it does not feel that she does.  It seems that she does not listen to me.  It feels like I keep saying what I like but it is like she ignores that.  Then I rightly or wrongly take it that she does not love me.  That she does not care enough to listen and react to what I say. 

So I say to myself, for her to feel my love, I need to listen and then react.  Now a new problem arises, I don't hear....  I don't mean I am actually deaf but I don't hear her saying much about what she wants in order to feel love.  Yet on occasion she has said "I have told you that so often that I've given up". 

So what to do?  How to listen?  How to speak?  How to act?

Not own way

Interesting to contemplate the Dom & sub roles and responsibilities.

Prompted by what was for me a disappointing sexual experience with my wife.  Sunday night we had a date night out for dinner.  We got home and fairly quickly sent the kids off to bed.  We were in bed together and she suggested sex with me inside her.  I suggested that I put on a couple of condoms so that I would not cum but she clarified that she wanted me to cum. 

Contrasting to that morning when we had had a long session of touching and stroking but no orgasm and was for me a really good experience, this was a bit of a downer.
Pretty much no foreplay.
She insisting I go inside her.  But not aroused.
When I was in, she was on the bottom (does not seem right)
When I was in, she was having me hold my self up off her because her tummy was full.
I suggested we roll over so she was on top.  We did that for about a minute then she said roll back when I'm ready.
So here we are
She's not turned on.
She's not into it because her tummy is [over] full.
I would rather the tease and denial.
And I think she thinks she is doing me a favour.

So I cum.
That gets that over with.

So I'm lying in bed turning over in my mind.

I have done what she asked.  If we are doing roles then I did my role.
I did what she asked.

I guess the sad thing for me was that I did not feel listened to.  I was excited about the idea of pushing the duration of abstention.  I was excited about the time spent touching and titillation.  I also felt more positive and more confident and creative.  In fact more of everything all round.

Pondering the idealised roles of Dom and sub.
To me there is energy and effort required for both.

I think the Dom has to listen to what turns the sub on.  What is their love language.  During sexual activity the Dom needs to put effort in.  It may be effort tying up the sub or spanking the sub or whatever. 

But in general, the sub needs to be submitting to the Dom.  By this I mean that they comply with or do whatever the Dom asks or commands even if they don't like it. 

Maybe I have that wrong.

Various things

This is going to be a bit eclectic

Orgasm-
It's been 3 weeks since my last orgasm.  Two weeks on my own and then the last week with the encouragement and support of my wife.

Balls have been aching today.

A degree of excitement, anticipation and to be honest some fear.  A fear for what I wish for so to speak.  I wake up several times last night.  Hard on.  Turned on.  Really wanting to cum.

In discussions this morning, her motivation is "what makes me (as opposed to her) happy". 

We have however spent more time petting and stroking each other in the last few days than for ages.  It is so nice when she teases me and especially nice when she says "no".  Currently she is saying another weak of abstinence and then we will see.  We have also talked about abstaining until Dathers day which is in September!



Nappy Report-
I bought a pack of Molicare Mobile Super Med 14 $AU30.00 from Chemist warehouse.
Impressions are
I would not feel comfortable unless I also wore plastic pants over them.
They do hold more than the Depends I have tried before.
They will hold a full bladders worth.
More bulky and they have padding at the back as well as the front.  For me the padding at the back means they are more noticeable.
I have lain down and wet them with plastic pants on and there was no leakage.
My gut feel is that for day to day wear they are too bulky. 
I think they are best for night time wear.

Dinner with an evangelical atheist-
Had dinner with a group of people sort of associated with my wife's work.  Some out of towners here for a conference.  I was speaking with this fellow who was quite intense.  I actually found the conversation hard going.  At one stage he made some derogatory comment about the church and I mentioned my wife and I attend the local church.  I then spent a reasonable amount of time and effort attempting to not engage in a argument.  I think he wanted to argue the case for gay marriage and also to go through the many contradictions and so on in the bible.  It was hard going and I felt quite disrespectful.  Maybe gays feel disrespect by the church but I also know many church people who have stood up for the rights of gays and there have been times when people from my little local church have flown to Sydney and marched in the gay mardigras.

However the for me the saddest bit was him explaining how his wife used to be a Christian when he married her but that he has straightened her out.  It was just so full of contradictions and sadness for me.  I was finding him really intense and tiring.  I imagined how his wife may felt as he laid out all the faults of Christianity before her.

There has to be a pay off

I am a little bit excited and apprehensive at the same time.  A whole lot better than the mild depression I had been feeling.

I've said to my wife that:

• I am really enjoying her teasing me and not letting me cum.
• When I cum I would like it to be when she is turned on and wants me inside her.

I have said that if she would like to indulge me that she could wrap me in plastic and rub me but not let me cum.

Some time back I had told her that I had read about couples that practiced "NFP - Natural Family Planning"  These people seem to be generally catholic and the jist is orgasm denial for the men.  I had read several blogs and forums where the men were abstaining from orgasm pretty much continually.  Anyway I reminded her that I had enjoyed reading these and was turned on and envious of the men who's women were actively ensuring and encouraging their abstinence and that they would, knowing orgasm was off the table, have to work hard on other ways to connect and be intimate.

I also told her that when I am denied I dream and think about her a lot.

I guess what I am trying to do is help her to help me.  I guess we both need to enjoy things.  There has to be a pay off for both of us.


So the pay off for her I think is space.  Space and time to get turned on.  I think she will see a "nicer me" as a pay off.  So I guess I need to make sure all this is fun in a way.

I wonder what else could be a pay off for her.  What she would like?

Who would have thought no orgasm would be a positive

Things seem to be on the up.  Last night she was intimate and said "no" again to my request for an orgasm.  A discussion of several sentences rather than just one or two words.  Some touch.  She stroked my penis and pretty much all over my body.  I cuddled her.  It was nice.  Touch is my love language.

She said she may say no till Mothers Day which is this Sunday pause or Fathers Day which is a couple of months away.  I said "that would be hot"

So now I'm having that kind of apprehensive feeling.  There will be that feeling of loss.  Quite apart from really really wanting an orgasm. 

As she said "you've done it before"
That was referring to when I abstained with her help for the 40 days of lent a few years ago and many years before when in the boarding house, I would abstain during term time.  Being caught "Wanking" could result in slipping down the social ladder to the pariahs. Mind you in the holidays I would masturbate so much that I actually used to look forward to getting back to the structure of life in the boarding house.

She said "no"

In a return to some intimacy, last night she cuddled up to me and I got aroused and she stoked and then said "you can wait a while".

I wonder if I should have a conversation with her?

Not in the bed room and not just before we go to bed.  I think the jist of what I would like to say is that before we were married, we did not have sex yet we were close.  Plenty of kissing and cuddling and caring and desiring all without sex.  After we were married we had sex but over time it seems to me that she has become disinterested in sex.  So I would certainly trade sex for intimacy.  The final bit being that having the tease and denial bit, adds edge, adds sexual tension, adds intimacy.

I wonder .....

If I knew then

I wonder what life would have been like if I knew then what I know now.

My wife has on occasion said she wished that she'd known what I was really like.  I don't think she would have married me.  Would I have married her?  Certainly if we had no kids, I would not feel so much the need to stick around and I suspect she would have left ages ago.

The dilemma with this decision is that in a way I have brought kink more to the fore.  I was always kinky but also at the time of marriage my self esteem was good and even though we did not engage in any kinky stuff (did not even discuss it) that seemed ok.  I was not repressing it.  You know people go through phases of trying to supress their weirdness.  I don't recall doing that.  So I was in love with her and that was all that seemed to matter.

If we had had a open discussion where I brought forth all my kinks and somehow she brought forth that she was as vanilla as one can get then either we would have said "not for us, the cost will be too great" or perhaps both would have gone in willing to work with the other.  Maybe she would have engaged with kink even if she did not like it.  Whereas now her position is "This is not what I signed up for".

Who knows.

Spanking

Triggered by reading this

I want to be spanked.  Weird hey.

Now in times past, I have gotten my wife to spank me and cane me and whip me with a chord.  That was interesting.  Tempered because she is just not into it.  It's not a topic she engages with so I cant even satisfy my curiosity as to what she is thinking on the topic.

One thing I learned, on a practical side was that I found that it was a quite effective way to get rid of a headache.  Maybe it only works for certain types of headaches.  Maybe say tension headaches.  I don't have enough data to progress this.

I used to liken it to "Trigger Point Massage".  In a  "Trigger Point Massage", quite considerable pressure is put on certain locations.  It is reasonably painful in its own way.  Annoyingly, my wife likes trigger point massage but not spanking.  For me though, certainly in terms of dealing with headaches they both work and they both seem to be painful to a degree.

Another thing for me with spanking though I want the dominant person to make the decisions.  When, how many, how hard.  I have always had to ask her to spank me.  I've tried to tell her that it would be great if she were to surprise me and tell me I am going to be spanked and take control but no.  Never happens.  That tempers the experience.  Having to cajole her into it makes it harder to get into a submissive head space and then if she stops and says "Is that enough" - Well No it isn't until you say so.  Or "Am I hurting you"? 'well yes that the idea' Get on with it!  (Grr  :) )

I have this crazy dream that I would like to be tied down and spanked, whipped or caned really hard.  I want to be free to cry and scream but I don't want the person to diminish the force.  I don't want to be asked anything and I don't want a safe word.  For practical or I guess legal and medical protection we would need to negotiate the boundaries but once agreed, I want to be helpless.  Weird hey.

A would also like to spank her or a woman but that is another story.  :)

Adult nappies and a drive to endure

This weekend just gone was a long weekend where we remember our war dead.  Those people who fought and died for our country and as a result we have the freedom to live today.

It was also for me a weekend of commitments with a fair bit of travel.  I decided to wear an adult nappy during the day and on Friday night when I would be in a motel on my own away from my wife.  Only for number ones I might add. 

I keep a small supply of adult nappies (diapers for our American fiends) for when I go to the theatre or concerts as on occasion, I have been caught short and not enjoyed the show because I was concentrating on holding it.  Also after I have been sitting for a while and I stand up then pretty quickly I sometimes get a urge to go and the end result is absolutely just focussing on holding it until I can get to the toilet.

Anyway, because I don't use them continuously, I tend to try a different type each time I but a pack.  The most recent pack while having good capacity is a bit more bulky that I normally buy and also they don't seem to fit so well.  I figured I would use them up.

So for this weekend I started with the idea that I would hold off until desperate and then wee then hold off again and then find a toilet.  The personally set goal was to try to go about 8 hrs between visits to the toilet.  I know that these things pretty much only hold at most one bladder full.  I also don't trust them so I always wear plastic pants over them.  The main problem I have found is that when one sits, some wetness can be squeezed out. 

I found though that rather than holding until desperate, I got a bit lazy, and that as soon as I felt the need a bit, that I would just relax.  And it is relaxing in it's own way. This way they ended up gradually filling.  They got quite full and there was a noticeable lump between my legs.  That then provided motivation to hold on until the 8 hrs was up.  In that time frame I also had to resist the temptation to do a nappy change.  I had set this personal goal and there was this weird desire to endure and push through till the self appointed completion time.

So in the end I went Friday afternoon through late Friday night.  Change and wore one through the night then another Friday day with a change mid afternoon and through to late Sat night by which time I was home and also quite glad to take a break from it.  Then another two on Sunday with a break Sunday night and likewise on Monday. 

The wife would I think just be negative if I were to wear one to bed.

In the end kind of a fun thing.  I know that objectively it seems disgusting to think that a grown man would deliberately wear then wet and remain in a wet diaper but that's it. 

It also reminded me that in many times in my past I have set these personal goals and found a weird sense of need to achieve them.  Sometimes academic but more often in what I now know as the kink space. 

It's in the way I communicate

I note with some sadness that people rarely comment on my blog. 

Looking back over my life, I realise that as time has gone on, I've become quieter and quieter.  With my wife, I find that if I say something, it can be taken the wrong way and unfortunately instead of her clarifying my meaning she just takes the wrong interpretation.  Sometimes I find out later that I had the "wrong" "Inflection" in my voice.  In general though I seem to just be a little off key with my interactions so I find it's easier to just stay quiet.

This does not seem to happen when I am with a group of guys.  General chit chat about sport, politics, religion or the attractiveness of some passing female. 

I guess with the guys, I am not discussing personal feelings or thoughts. 

Here on this blog and with my wife of course it is personal level discussion.  On here, I pour out my thoughts and feelings.  With the wife, I have learned not to share such things.  In that arena it seems that if I express an interest or desire in something, I then find she does not like it.  Whether sexual or whatever.  Most recently, I thought a scenic flight in a small plane would be nice.  Nope turns out she hates small planes.  Could not establish why or if she'd ever been in one.  She just does not like them.

And that is just the way it is.

mascohism and greasing

I was reading this and it reminded me of some teen activities

At boarding school we had a activity called "greasing" this involved smearing some kids balls with Mecleans toothpaste.  It burned like high hell.  My recollections are a bit hazy but I was aware of the practice long before I ever participated in it.

The operation normally took place at night and most likely I imagine on a weekend.  People seemed pretty focussed on school during the week.

I do recall though looking back that feeling of detached curiosity when some kid or other was deemed in need of being greased and would be grabbed and someone would squeeze a goodly amount of toothpaste into their hand and they would shove it down the kids undies or PJ pants and plaster his balls in it.  The kid would be held down bucking and screaming until it was deemed enough was enough and the kid would run off to the showers. 

The day must have come when it befell me and the burning sensation was insane.  I bucked and struggled and fought all to no avail and when finally released sprinted for the showers.  Then a second wave of pain.  Interestingly as the water hit there was a second wave of pain.  The burning sensation continued at a milder level for some hours.  

I do not recall how many times I was greased.  Not many.  The curiosity though was there and at various times I tried it on myself.  Sometimes accompanied by masturbation that I guess creating a neural pathway joining pleasure and pain.

The other memory from this same time was that it befell me to grease someone else.  I suspect that I was 'designated' to perform the act.  I do not recall being the sort of kid who would do this sort of thing as a personal vendetta.  I recall the kid in question knew that I was designated to do this.  In hindsight a example of dominant power.  I recall quite a feeling of exhilaration as I negotiated with him that he would grease himself.  This gave me a sense of relief because I was not all that keen on either shoving my hands down his pants nor the physically forceful process of catching and forcing it all to happen.  Somehow the negotiated approach seemed better.  The poor kid agreed to do it and to stand until I released him.  This suited me fine and I received notoriety for the act as a small group witnessed it and witnessed the poor kid standing there with tears streaming down his face bent over holding his burning balls and pleading to be allowed to go. 

Interesting how ones memories are triggered

Shame, regret, fear of being found out

Growing up, I never felt guilty or shame or regret.  Not that I recall anyway.  An interesting contrast to the present where I wish I had never told my wife.  I sometimes wish I had never had these kinks and was just "normal" when it came to sex.  Maybe then my wife would love me and have no need to think I am weird.  But mainly I just wish I had never told her.  I feel she is frigid, up tight, judgemental and a just a whole lot of depressing negatives.  That's me being negative and judgemental here.

As a kid I don't recall being overly scared of being found out.  Mindful of it and knowing it was not socially normal.   I suspect in hindsight that my mother probably knew at least something.  She however was pretty laid back.  Not a verbally aggressive person.  To take a more vanilla thing, When I tried smoking as a kid, her response was to tell me to keep it outside.  I think she kind of ignored things.  I recall one time, she opened my bedroom door when I was standing there in one of my plastic singlets and she just closed the door.  Several years later, I had acquired a leotard and used to wear it as underwear.  I must have left it somewhere.  She washed it and just put it in my underwear draw.  Nothing was said.

I contrast the above with stories I read on the web where parents discover their kids cross dressing or wearing a nappy and they explode and punish the kid.  Similarly the net seems to over flow with bare bottom punishment and I never saw or even heard of that.  Finally when one reads on the net of kids who wet the bed or wore nappies.  I can understand them being worried about being found out but I don't recall any of the kids I knew who either wore nappies to bed or who wet the bed ever being teased.  I would imagine that in the heat of the moment, one kid may use that as a weapon against another kid but it did not seem to feature in my circle of friends anyway.

Effort from as early as I can recall

I have a couple of kinks - Plastic, spanking, girls tights.

I have spent a bit of time on the net and realised that many others, as kids, spent quite a deal of time feeding the addiction.  There were a number of people who described the effort they went into to make plastic pants out of shopping bags or stealing plastic pants  and so on.

For me I did several weird things.  I can recall making a pair of plastic pants out of grey duct tape.  Of course they were not stretchy.  Very encasing.  This was defiantly pre puberty.  Probably about grade 5 or 6 so around 10 or 11.   I did the making and trying on in the laundry which was in a small separate shed in the back yard.  I don't recall wetting them.  In fact at that age, I do not recall a desire to wet.  Just an affinity to plastic.  I certainly had a curiosity with nappies and plastic pants and plastic sheets on beds.  I would check out my friends bed rooms to see who had plastic protectors on their beds and so on but I don't recall actually getting aroused or wanting to wet.  Weird hey.

I also used to make plastic pants and plastic singlets out of plastic shopping bags.  For the singlet, I would cut straight across the bottom and the carry handles would be shoulder straps. For plastic pants, I would cut leg holes at the bottom.  I used to try and make these tight so a lot of effort was required to slowly slip them on.  To make this happen I would smear some baby oil and at times vascelene on my body.  I had to be careful that the plastic did not rip and would pre tear strips of duct tape to reinforce the plastic if it started to stretch too much in one place.

This was all pre puberty.

So no orgasms.  But I recall a sort of internal challenge to see how long I could wear them.  I think pretty soon after I would get it on I would then partly want to take it off.  But I would set up these sort of personal challenges to see how long I could wear them.

I recall in middle primary school being in a play and having to wear green tights and a brown tunic.  Closest thing to a dress.  I was again turned on in a prepubescent way.  Kept them for years after and would wear them both in the safety of my room.  But often, I would wear the tights under long pants.  To school and also just around the place.  In retrospect, I think the school thing fitted into that personal challenge thing in that once they were on I really could not take them off until I got home from school.

I guess the thing I started to write on was the effort that was expended. 



 

Dream On

The marriage is to be honest
Stale, Tender, Boring, A bit tense.
We are nice to each other.
She does not talk about her feelings.
I know not to talk about mine although sometimes I slip up on that.

On that issue, I would love to find someone in Brisbane Australia who is of a kinky mindset (and you would have to be if you are reading this) to chat and discuss feelings, kink etc over a beer or a coffee or a glass of red.

So I figured I might just use this little writing space as a place to pour out feelings and fantasies.  In addition to reading other kinky submissive blogs.

Anonymity means that I can be truthful.  There is no need to disguise fantasy as fact which seems to be a feature of the net.  (On that you would think every person ever caned was caned on their bare bum - hmm really?)

So where to....?

On the real side
Well I like to wear an adult diaper.  Sometimes I get urge incontinence and have to really really focus to not wet myself.  If I wear a diaper then I don't have to do this.  There are several situations where it is convenient.  For example, yesterday at work I had several back to back meetings.  One would finish as the next was scheduled to start.  A bit of a walk between meeting rooms and I am in a hurry.  Standing and that dreaded urge to pee.  There are no toilets between the meeting rooms.  I have to go past the meeting room to the toilet and then come back.  As I get to the room, everyone is there and ready to start including some contractors who have been signed in.  Awkward.  I'm the chair.  I'm supposed to make it all happen.  I just go in and the formalities of shaking hands and exchanging business cards takes place and I just wet myself.  Sounds disgusting when you say it like that.

Tonight the family and friends are going to the movies.  I will wear a diaper for this because on occasion I have had to keep focus and that kind of distracts from the enjoyment of the show.

On the fantasy side, I was dreaming of a woman wearing a tight stretchable plastic leotard boy leg with sleeves.  The fantasy just wandered around in my head as a fun little kinky distraction.  Different versions of the day dream included pondering someone who did this because she enjoyed it and another being one of being arm twisted into it.  Wearing it under her clothes say to work and sweating in it and having to put some absorbent material garters (like what tennis players wear on their wrists) around her legs.  Later wearing just it on its own at some kind of party.  I was envisaging that it was not clear plastic but a milky colour so as to provide the barest covering.  Also how does she wee in it?

A few months and feeling bla

So a few months have passed.

The September holidays over.
Term 4 over
Into the Summer (Christmas) holidays.

So what have I learned?

She is ho hum about this.
She has moved back into our bedroom but that was because of the detrimental effect her living in the spare room was having on the kids.  There had been no fighting, no yelling, no bad words, no saying nasty things about each other to the kids or anyone.  But the kids were affected my her being in the other bed room. 
When she came back in, there was no discussion with me, She just moved in.  She said "Better one person un happy (that's her) than the rest of the family unhappy.  I asked her to go back to her room and only come back when she wanted to come back but of course she did not listen to me.  So she is back.

But it is still cold.

At one stage we had a discussion about why she moved out.  As we talked I listed reasons she gave at various times.  Then I talked to her about how I should deal with each of these things.  Here are some of them

Talking / grumping at her at 3am   -  Don't walk her up at 3am (OK)
And so since then If I wake up at 3am and feel angry I get up and go out of the room.

Talk about kinky stuff - Just don't.
And so since then I have not mentioned anything 'kinky'.  For your benefit and so that I can mention it to someone that is Spanking, Plastic - being wrapped in cling wrap or wearing plastic pants, nappies of the adult kind, submission (we never really got into dominance)

Mention of short skirts - Just don't
So even when she has on occasion asked what I would like, I have said please do not ask that question of me because I can either lie (which I have a moral problem with) or I can say "Short skirt" in which case you will confirm that I am somehow bad.

Criticise her - just don't
Apparently I am a very critical person.  Mind you I have asked others and it would seem this is not a universally held belief.  But I have tried very very hard to only say positive stuff.  I have ignored the mess and crap that clutters our house.  When the kids complain to me I try to quietly suggest that they talk to mum about it.

Temper - Don't loose it
Apparently I have a hair trigger temper.  So like with the criticism thing, I have tried to just let anything and everything that I dislike just pass.  Nothing in our house will change the world so in a big picture way it does not really matter.  The difficulty here is that it would appear that even being angry is seen as bad.  So lets say something happens that makes me angry.  So I quietly walk out of the room. Careful not to even show anger.  No taking a deep breath or anything.  Just walk calmly out and take a few minutes to calm down.  Then later if we even discuss it, she will, with a bit of encouragement from me to express what were the negatives of the day, state that I got angry over whatever it was.

---------------------------------
I think both of us are on edge.  I gather she feels that she has to watch what she says so as to not make me angry and I feel like I have to just show no emotion, be happy and smile and have no opinion lest it be seen as either criticism of her or an expression of anger.

So we drift along in this relatively surreal pleasant situation.

She though never talks about how she feels.  When I try to find out how she feels, she turns the discussion round to how I feel.

Personally I don't think anything has changed from 1, 2 or even 5 years ago and I suspect that unless she is willing to talk about her feelings then I suspect that there will be another separation.

There is another sort of contradiction to all of this and that is that she has repeatedly said I should find someone else to explore my fantasies with.  Now originally I interpreted that to mean that we would divorce and I would shack up with someone else.  However now I think that she means just find a "Play Partner" and have fun.  Including sex, spanking, and all things kinky.

That would be a very good outcome providing everyone was honest about their feelings and knew the deal.  I wonder?