Friday, August 7, 2015

Unfortunately I think the end is nigh

We have been going to marriage guidance counselling.
As far as I can see she has no interest in me. 
It seems any fetish = broken and unfixable.
For ages she has effectively withdrawn intimacy. 
I wish I had never spoken with her about my fetish.
Now I have nothing. 
My fetish does not get .....
Even "normal" vanilla intimacy is not enjoyed.
We both walk on egg shells.

He currently stated concern is that I "explode" unexpectedly.
I wonder why.
It seems to be that I do that out of frustration.
I think the sequence was
1.  Tell her of fetish.
2.  She decided I was weird or broken.
3.  She recoiled & wanted be be away.
4.  She withdrew intimacy.
5.  I got frustrated that not even "normal" intimate activities occurred.
6.  I would express that frustration.
7.  She would take that as criticism and withdraw further.
8.  I would see no response by her in response to my frustration.
9.  I would get angry and "explode"
10. Loop continues at step 7.

So now it seems I have to
1.  Not explode every.
2.  Not question, criticise, or say anything even remotely negative.
3.  Express unqualified approval for everything she says, wears and does.

Will try.
Interestingly in a way, you cant get more sub than that.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Self satisfaction in the absence of external influence

The marriage is up and down and not in the way those with dirty little minds might like to think.

We have been seeing a councillor but frankly I find that all quite depressing.  He seems to be almost encouraging us to split up.  Very little on how to understand or respond to each other.  Zero encouragement to try to look for a way together.

Anyway it's school holidays here and sadly several months ago, my wife announced that she was going to be doing "PD" in the holidays.  Well that was the end of any plans of doing stuff together.

So she is away and I figure I'm a kinky old bastard I will try something.

One thing I have liked since I was prepubescent is the feel of plastic.  Also the idea of being restricted tied up and so on. 

So last night, stripped down beside the bed and wiped a little baby oil over my body.  Then wrapped my torso in cling wrap plastic.  Between my legs and over my shoulders too.  Like a leotard.  Around my chest and tummy I did several wraps and pulled my tummy in as tight as I could.  Trying I guess in a clumsy way to imagine a corset.  I wonder if they make corsets for men?

I put on a pair of undies and a tee shirt over the top. 

Then I figured maybe I could put on a belt and do it up real tight.  That was pretty unsuccessful but I remembered a length of rope.  I got that and tied a loop in one end and fed the fee end through.  Set it just above my hips.  Pulled it back on its self and pulled my tummy in.  Then began to wrap round and round.  As tight as I could and pulling my tummy in.  Each wrap about half an inch higher than the previous until I ran out of rope partway up my chest.  Quite constricting but also quite comforting in a weird way. 

Then I first sat then lay on the bed.  That actually made it a bit hard to breath.  This was another interesting feeling.  I could understand that if a person was in a corset, they may prefer to sleep in a sitting position because lying down was harder.  But maybe too this is not really representative of a corset.

Interestingly I was not turned on.  My penis not hard.  I felt strangely comforted and excited in that strange way.  The way I had wound the rope meant the tee shirt precented me from lifting my arms.  So I could not lie back with my arms crossed behind my head.  This unexpected restriction was quite fun and reminded me that I had read of  Victorian women having straps on their corsets to pull shoulders back.  I lay there are eventually drifted off to sleep.

Woke 3am
Now I was turned on and hard and still pleasantly restricted.
I found sitting up to be almost easier than when not trussed up.  You try doing a slow sit up at 3am to have a drink or go to the loo.
I rolled over and started slowly humping the bed.  The oil and plastic meant everything slipped nicely in a very sensuous way.

Debated in my head about cumming.
Morally I don't agree with masturbation.
On the other hand she is not engaged.
Also I know that once I cum, the desire to stay wrapped up will go.  I like the feeling - so don't masturbate.  I have a big day at work so wank away and get it over with.  That seemed to be the essence of the debate.

I indulged in a little more mental fantasy.
Then came.
Then the inevitable loss of interest in remaining like this.
Untied the rope.  Peeled off the plastic.  Wiped down with an old towel.
Drifted off to sleep.
Woke up nicely refreshed at 5:30am.

It would be so nice to play this way with someone.  The wife has said multiple times "Why don't you find someone who enjoys this stuff"  So if you are a kinky female, understand and interested let me know.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Blow up

F%$%     F**&*     F&^&^%

Unmet expectations of intimacy last night - Lost my temper.
She let me cum this morning.  Undeserved.  unintimate.
Lost my temper with her again after breakfast.
Had a shouting match with 15yo son.

Feeling crap!

Friday, May 29, 2015

Abstinance and disturbed sleep

I did not sleep well last night.  It felt like from about 1:30am that I was awake the entire time.  I suspect that is more of a feeling than reality because I was awoken by my alarm hence I must have been asleep.  My suspicion is that I was getting blocks of about half an hour of sleep.  I suspect this is a side effect of no orgasms.

My wife has kindly begun to play the game and said no release until Saturday.  At least some attention.  In bed at night she spend a few minutes kissing , cuddling and pinching me especially on the nipples.  Pretty sure she is not really into it but it is far better than the distancing that had been the state of our relationship.

I am wondering wether I should await for the opportunity to have a release most likely on Saturday or whether I should ask her to keep me abstinent for longer and maybe indefinitely. 

In a way it is kind of fun to be abstinent.  Yes there is that tension of wanting to orgasm but the fun thing is that I am thinking of her and wanting to orgasm all day.  If I get sex then usually it seems that she doesn't really get into it and I leave feeling a bit down.  A bit like masturbating.  And then having had that release, I don't think about her during the day.

My reasoning for going longer abstinent is that I hope that as my hormones restabilise that good sleep would return.  The other reason is continuing to think about her and looking forward to being with her.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Thursday and we wait for Saturday

Still holding off.
Last night she treated me to some physicality.  Pinched then bit each nipple.

Then we slept but I did toss and turn and snuggle up to her a couple of times in the night that disturbs her sleep.

In the morning she again treated me to some physical touching.  I said that I was torn between wanting to cum and wanting to stay abstinent for longer.  Said that with extended abstinence that I would hope that I would get over this restless sleep and leave her alone  to sleep better.

What I would like but did not mention is that it would be nice if she were to punish me if I were to disturb her sleep.  Then there would be a feeling of control by her and submission by me.  I figured though she is not so much into that sort of thing and so may be a conversation too far.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Tuesday almost done

So Sex was Sat AM.
Now Tuesday.
Maybe if I am lucky this coming Sat.
The anticipation is fun.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Back on

Last week she said I could not come for 5 days.  That was up on Saturday and we ended up having some sexual activity on Saturday morning.  After some intimate kissing she told me to put on a plastic bag.  A bit of baby oil in it for lube.  I lay face down on the bed and she got on top and ground against me.  I asked if I could cum and she said yes.  She came and I came and that was fun.

Then Sunday and we lay on the bed together.  This was the first time in forever that we have had a lazy Sunday afternoon on the bed.  I put my hand on her thigh.  It seemed right after a while to move a little and gradually I got to rubbing her between the legs.  I have learned slow and with plenty of anticipatory tease (for want of a better word).  I did end up with my fingers stimulating her clit and inside her undies.  She came. 

I was hard as and Snuggled up.  She said "Remember a week this time"

O god that just makes me want to cum all the more but at the same time I don't want her to allow it.

I also said after that what is the plan.  She said maybe a bit longer 10 or 15 days.  I said what about really long term what's the ultimate goal.  She said she would like to have "normal" sex.  Oh bit of a let down there.  I took our conversation to mean that she is just doing this abstinence thing as a sort of tease which it is but that she has this idealised vanilla idea of sex that in a way I describe as lazy sex on her part where I will romance and fuck her all in the one activity.  Anyway for now I will enjoy the tease. 

And eagerly await next Saturday.