Wednesday, October 26, 2016

A better headspace

I've begun to move into a much better head space.

Some self impose rules that are both to protect my mental space and also a bit of self indulgent 'mind fuck' for me.

These are all in the bedroom rules as that is where the grief seems to happen.

The rules are
#1 watch out if I am getting angry and if I am then don't continue the conversation. 
#2 Don't ask what she is thinking.  That always ends in grief.  See rule #1.  I ask the question, hoping beyond hope that just once the answer would have something to do with sex.  never is.  She always answers along the lines of something she has to do or organise.
#3 Don't ask for sex.  It's just patetic.
#4 No masturbation. 
#5 I will put my arms around her and hug her but I will be careful not to grope.  I think she is OK with a squeeze of a boob but no hands between legs.  Being careful here.
#6 No grinding or spooning.  Trying to be consistent with #3 here.

This seems to be working.  The atmosphere in the house is much nicer.

Certainly I am in a more positive head space.

And we had sex the other day.  The only way she orgasms is to be on top.  My observation is that the only time she gets turned on is in the week before her period is due.  Anyway we ended up in bed.  Hug, kiss & cuddle and she asked if I wanted sex and how would I like it.

Now, in a sub way, I actually wish she would not ask because there are two answers to that and neither of them seem to work for her.  One answer is "Please don't ask me just tell me what you'd like or just do it but don't ask".  Thats the sub me answer.  The other, from the era of dominant me would be "Don't ask me, don't tell me, just do what I say and I'll satisfy myself my way and don't complain later"  ie me being dominant rather than sub and that just leads to grief so I don't wish to get into that head space.  I'd rather stay in sub mode.

Anyway she gets me to enter her from on top.  Then we roll over so she is on top and then she starts to get aroused and cum and I try to cum at the same time.  But after she came we stopped and she relaxed on top of me and I love that.  then she started tightening her self over my still erect cock and that got me all turned on again.  Then she rode me a bit plus she squeezes my breasts and that's painful but arousing.  Not long and I came.  That was great. 

I'd gone over a month with no orgasm and that's a mind fuck in it's own way and then came with her on top.  So nice.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Abstinance Narcisism and multi syllable words

The marriage is still tense. 

She is still controlling in what I would describe as a narcissistic manner. 

She sent me a text message stating "I am going to visit so and so this evening"  so that is confident and in charge - OK.

Me being of the submissive persuasion are happy to accept that.
I would have texted "Is it OK if I go and visit so and so this evening".
Not expecting her to do that.

I was left though in a quandary.  Did she want me to go or was she wishing to go on her own.  Maybe she wanted to have a private conversation or such.  It would have been nice from my sub perspective if she had answered that question.  So I had to word a text in reply acknowledging that I understood she was going and to enquire as to whether she wished me to go with her.  I did not wish to impose myself on her or put her in a position where she felt obligated to take me.  This can occur if I word it in a way that makes it sound like I feel hurt that I am not invited for example.  So I was very careful to word it in a way that did not force her hand.  She responded that she would like to come with her.  Status clarified and I was relaxed.  In the end, the kids came too and the people we were visiting put on a dinner for all.  While we were there I excused myself and had a bit of a cat nap.  Two reasons.  Firstly so that I would be fresh and awake so I could drive her home and secondly just in case she wanted to have private conversations but had not said so.  So that all ended well.

On the sexual front, had a short but nice discussion with her.  Basically along the lines that we know that my love language is physical touch and that any physical touch conveys love to me.  Her love languages are acts of service and words of encouragement. 

We also discussed how pretty much anything gets me sexually aroused but that love is more than sex.  With her, she is very sexually conservative and so much stops her getting turned on or something.

She gives me sex out of obligation - which I hate and does nothing really for her even if it is an "act of service"

Anyway the end result of this was that we agreed on two weeks abstinence for me.  We are a few days into it and already I am wishing for release but at the same time wanting to continue.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Just crusin

So nothing much is happening in our family.

The wife is neither dominant nor submissive nor sexual really at all.

The submissive side of me has to be satisfied with a bit of dreaming and fantasising and wot not.

On the practical side ive tried to churn through some home maintenance tasks.  Fixing the fence, a light here a tap washer there and so on.  Service.

I noted my teenage son has the pina colada song in his play list on spoitfy and has played it a few times.  He is quite a sensitive kid and I'm sure he's detected the marital tension.  In fact the other night the kids were in the lounge talking about people characteristics.  Mine was a lousy memory but mum's was she never hears anything unless she wants to hear it.  She was right there in the room and one of the kids said "isn't that right mum" and she looked up and said "what" and everyone laughed.  Inside I just thought that's because she is basically narcissistic.  I believe that is the term.  Basically all about her.   Bit frustrating actually.

Anyway back to the pina colada song, I ended up chatting to a recently divorced woman on facebook that I have known for years.  Just because my wife has no interest in discussing feelings. or anything for that matter.  Made me think though that if I were to have an affair, the woman in question would at he very least need to have some kind of kink.  My theory goes that if a person has one kink then they can understand and sympathise with someone having a different kink.  But a vanilla person has no idea, no understanding & no sympathy.  Even better if the girl were to share my kink but that would not be a precondition.

And here are the lyrics

I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, write to me, and escape"1
I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean
But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine
So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad
And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half bad
"Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne
I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape
At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape"
So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you"
And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew"
"That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape"
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the love that you've looked for, come with me, and escape"
Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Read more: Rupert Holmes - Escape (the Pina Colada Song). Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Friday, July 22, 2016

The old sub introspective

I wonder if the sub male in me is simultaneously trying to accomplish:
a) Satisfy the sex drive and
b) Not wanting to take responsibility for anything or at least anything that requires too much serious thought or that has any significant consequences.

There is a certain calmness when one has no responsibility.  A could not give a s**t.

getting back to (a) "satisfying the sex drive does not necessarily mean getting an orgasm.  One can do that with ones hand.  But what a unsatisfying orgasm that is.  I think it is wanting to have an intimate connection with someone who cares and shows they care.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

A little secret sub sex

In a (for the moment) surprising turn of events last night the wife offered sex.

As a bit of background, she will be out of town for a few days.  She is also obviously aware that I tend to get a bit moody or depressed.  So maybe that was a motivator.

We had hugged and kissed and that was great for me.
I asked what I could do for her and she said that she was OK.
I actually find that in its self a downer.  I have to just let it go.

As we lie in bed, I am torn between a few things
1. Wanting a close intimate relationship
2. Wanting sex in a physical sense.
3. Wanting her to feel love for me
4. Wanting tease and titillation, denial and so on.

So she played with me.  touching and stroking as well as pinching my nipples hard.  The pain brings pleasure and waves of submissiveness wash over me.  I get rock hard.  so nice.

Anyway she lay on her back and told me to get my pants off.  So taking the line of 'do what I am told' obviously coupled with this being sex and also it's physically close touching. 

The really nice thing was once I was inside her she had us roll over and she worked herself up.  It is pretty hard for her to reach orgasm.  Any little distraction puts an end to it.  I've learned that the most helpful thing I can do is put my hands on her bum and leave them there.  Not talk.  Move to assist but lying still is better than too much attempted help on my part.

Then she came.

For me that was great.

She then wanted us to roll over so I was on top and for and me to cum.  I tried to engage her in denying me but she is just not into it.

At one stage, she just lay there with her hands beside her while I was humping away.  I was on edge but I guess these unmet desires for denial and so on were messing with me plus I guess getting older plus the feeling that being on top is somehow kind of wrong.  Anyway when she just lay there I went into this transcend sort of sub space where I imagined being her and having to be totally submissive and just lying there having been instructed by a male dominant that he wanted sex.  Pretty mixed up but anyway.  I guess one of the interesting things for me was that I did not imagine myself as the dominant.  I did not orgasm with feelings of power or being able to get this woman to just lie there.  Anyway that's the report for today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Why the madness

The shooting in Florida.  I wonder why the madness.  Why do people seek to impose their will by violence on others.

My sympathies and thoughts go out to those affected.

I understand that there are people in this world who hold different views to me but what drives them to want to exert their will by violence and yet I don't.  Like my thing is that I'm OK with you being different to me.  I don't wish to force you to be like me and I don't wish to kill you if you don't agree with me.  I don't understand why for others though they wish to kill those who are different from them.

My thoughts then go to all those other victims of violent crime all over the world that we don't hear about.  The Florida massacre is all over our news but there are killings every day all over the world and mostly we don't hear about them.  My heart goes out to those people and their families too.

Then I think "I really don't want to know".  I know that sounds weak and an excuse but too much of this just gets me down.  I wish for a peaceful world and a peaceful world for all.