Thursday, January 14, 2016

A few months and feeling bla

So a few months have passed.

The September holidays over.
Term 4 over
Into the Summer (Christmas) holidays.

So what have I learned?

She is ho hum about this.
She has moved back into our bedroom but that was because of the detrimental effect her living in the spare room was having on the kids.  There had been no fighting, no yelling, no bad words, no saying nasty things about each other to the kids or anyone.  But the kids were affected my her being in the other bed room. 
When she came back in, there was no discussion with me, She just moved in.  She said "Better one person un happy (that's her) than the rest of the family unhappy.  I asked her to go back to her room and only come back when she wanted to come back but of course she did not listen to me.  So she is back.

But it is still cold.

At one stage we had a discussion about why she moved out.  As we talked I listed reasons she gave at various times.  Then I talked to her about how I should deal with each of these things.  Here are some of them

Talking / grumping at her at 3am   -  Don't walk her up at 3am (OK)
And so since then If I wake up at 3am and feel angry I get up and go out of the room.

Talk about kinky stuff - Just don't.
And so since then I have not mentioned anything 'kinky'.  For your benefit and so that I can mention it to someone that is Spanking, Plastic - being wrapped in cling wrap or wearing plastic pants, nappies of the adult kind, submission (we never really got into dominance)

Mention of short skirts - Just don't
So even when she has on occasion asked what I would like, I have said please do not ask that question of me because I can either lie (which I have a moral problem with) or I can say "Short skirt" in which case you will confirm that I am somehow bad.

Criticise her - just don't
Apparently I am a very critical person.  Mind you I have asked others and it would seem this is not a universally held belief.  But I have tried very very hard to only say positive stuff.  I have ignored the mess and crap that clutters our house.  When the kids complain to me I try to quietly suggest that they talk to mum about it.

Temper - Don't loose it
Apparently I have a hair trigger temper.  So like with the criticism thing, I have tried to just let anything and everything that I dislike just pass.  Nothing in our house will change the world so in a big picture way it does not really matter.  The difficulty here is that it would appear that even being angry is seen as bad.  So lets say something happens that makes me angry.  So I quietly walk out of the room. Careful not to even show anger.  No taking a deep breath or anything.  Just walk calmly out and take a few minutes to calm down.  Then later if we even discuss it, she will, with a bit of encouragement from me to express what were the negatives of the day, state that I got angry over whatever it was.

---------------------------------
I think both of us are on edge.  I gather she feels that she has to watch what she says so as to not make me angry and I feel like I have to just show no emotion, be happy and smile and have no opinion lest it be seen as either criticism of her or an expression of anger.

So we drift along in this relatively surreal pleasant situation.

She though never talks about how she feels.  When I try to find out how she feels, she turns the discussion round to how I feel.

Personally I don't think anything has changed from 1, 2 or even 5 years ago and I suspect that unless she is willing to talk about her feelings then I suspect that there will be another separation.

There is another sort of contradiction to all of this and that is that she has repeatedly said I should find someone else to explore my fantasies with.  Now originally I interpreted that to mean that we would divorce and I would shack up with someone else.  However now I think that she means just find a "Play Partner" and have fun.  Including sex, spanking, and all things kinky.

That would be a very good outcome providing everyone was honest about their feelings and knew the deal.  I wonder?




Thursday, October 1, 2015

Separation

At counselling and the counsellor asks how I think its going.  I say that I thought we had stopped diverging and that we were on parallel paths and needed to now look for ways back together.

Wife then announced that we were separated and that she was moving into the spare bed room.

Woh ... That took me by surprise.

Been pretty depressed.  Lonely.  Down.

This separate bedroom thing can't continue.  Went looking to find a place to rent.  It was gone but will ramp up the effort after the school holidays are over (next week).


Friday, August 7, 2015

Unfortunately I think the end is nigh

We have been going to marriage guidance counselling.
As far as I can see she has no interest in me. 
It seems any fetish = broken and unfixable.
For ages she has effectively withdrawn intimacy. 
I wish I had never spoken with her about my fetish.
Now I have nothing. 
My fetish does not get .....
Even "normal" vanilla intimacy is not enjoyed.
We both walk on egg shells.

He currently stated concern is that I "explode" unexpectedly.
I wonder why.
It seems to be that I do that out of frustration.
I think the sequence was
1.  Tell her of fetish.
2.  She decided I was weird or broken.
3.  She recoiled & wanted be be away.
4.  She withdrew intimacy.
5.  I got frustrated that not even "normal" intimate activities occurred.
6.  I would express that frustration.
7.  She would take that as criticism and withdraw further.
8.  I would see no response by her in response to my frustration.
9.  I would get angry and "explode"
10. Loop continues at step 7.

So now it seems I have to
1.  Not explode every.
2.  Not question, criticise, or say anything even remotely negative.
3.  Express unqualified approval for everything she says, wears and does.

Will try.
Interestingly in a way, you cant get more sub than that.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Self satisfaction in the absence of external influence

The marriage is up and down and not in the way those with dirty little minds might like to think.

We have been seeing a councillor but frankly I find that all quite depressing.  He seems to be almost encouraging us to split up.  Very little on how to understand or respond to each other.  Zero encouragement to try to look for a way together.

Anyway it's school holidays here and sadly several months ago, my wife announced that she was going to be doing "PD" in the holidays.  Well that was the end of any plans of doing stuff together.

So she is away and I figure I'm a kinky old bastard I will try something.

One thing I have liked since I was prepubescent is the feel of plastic.  Also the idea of being restricted tied up and so on. 

So last night, stripped down beside the bed and wiped a little baby oil over my body.  Then wrapped my torso in cling wrap plastic.  Between my legs and over my shoulders too.  Like a leotard.  Around my chest and tummy I did several wraps and pulled my tummy in as tight as I could.  Trying I guess in a clumsy way to imagine a corset.  I wonder if they make corsets for men?

I put on a pair of undies and a tee shirt over the top. 

Then I figured maybe I could put on a belt and do it up real tight.  That was pretty unsuccessful but I remembered a length of rope.  I got that and tied a loop in one end and fed the fee end through.  Set it just above my hips.  Pulled it back on its self and pulled my tummy in.  Then began to wrap round and round.  As tight as I could and pulling my tummy in.  Each wrap about half an inch higher than the previous until I ran out of rope partway up my chest.  Quite constricting but also quite comforting in a weird way. 

Then I first sat then lay on the bed.  That actually made it a bit hard to breath.  This was another interesting feeling.  I could understand that if a person was in a corset, they may prefer to sleep in a sitting position because lying down was harder.  But maybe too this is not really representative of a corset.

Interestingly I was not turned on.  My penis not hard.  I felt strangely comforted and excited in that strange way.  The way I had wound the rope meant the tee shirt precented me from lifting my arms.  So I could not lie back with my arms crossed behind my head.  This unexpected restriction was quite fun and reminded me that I had read of  Victorian women having straps on their corsets to pull shoulders back.  I lay there are eventually drifted off to sleep.

Woke 3am
Now I was turned on and hard and still pleasantly restricted.
I found sitting up to be almost easier than when not trussed up.  You try doing a slow sit up at 3am to have a drink or go to the loo.
I rolled over and started slowly humping the bed.  The oil and plastic meant everything slipped nicely in a very sensuous way.

Debated in my head about cumming.
Morally I don't agree with masturbation.
On the other hand she is not engaged.
Also I know that once I cum, the desire to stay wrapped up will go.  I like the feeling - so don't masturbate.  I have a big day at work so wank away and get it over with.  That seemed to be the essence of the debate.

I indulged in a little more mental fantasy.
Then came.
Then the inevitable loss of interest in remaining like this.
Untied the rope.  Peeled off the plastic.  Wiped down with an old towel.
Drifted off to sleep.
Woke up nicely refreshed at 5:30am.

It would be so nice to play this way with someone.  The wife has said multiple times "Why don't you find someone who enjoys this stuff"  So if you are a kinky female, understand and interested let me know.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Blow up

F%$%     F**&*     F&^&^%

Unmet expectations of intimacy last night - Lost my temper.
She let me cum this morning.  Undeserved.  unintimate.
Lost my temper with her again after breakfast.
Had a shouting match with 15yo son.

Feeling crap!

Friday, May 29, 2015

Abstinance and disturbed sleep

I did not sleep well last night.  It felt like from about 1:30am that I was awake the entire time.  I suspect that is more of a feeling than reality because I was awoken by my alarm hence I must have been asleep.  My suspicion is that I was getting blocks of about half an hour of sleep.  I suspect this is a side effect of no orgasms.

My wife has kindly begun to play the game and said no release until Saturday.  At least some attention.  In bed at night she spend a few minutes kissing , cuddling and pinching me especially on the nipples.  Pretty sure she is not really into it but it is far better than the distancing that had been the state of our relationship.

I am wondering wether I should await for the opportunity to have a release most likely on Saturday or whether I should ask her to keep me abstinent for longer and maybe indefinitely. 

In a way it is kind of fun to be abstinent.  Yes there is that tension of wanting to orgasm but the fun thing is that I am thinking of her and wanting to orgasm all day.  If I get sex then usually it seems that she doesn't really get into it and I leave feeling a bit down.  A bit like masturbating.  And then having had that release, I don't think about her during the day.

My reasoning for going longer abstinent is that I hope that as my hormones restabilise that good sleep would return.  The other reason is continuing to think about her and looking forward to being with her.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Thursday and we wait for Saturday

Still holding off.
Last night she treated me to some physicality.  Pinched then bit each nipple.

Then we slept but I did toss and turn and snuggle up to her a couple of times in the night that disturbs her sleep.

In the morning she again treated me to some physical touching.  I said that I was torn between wanting to cum and wanting to stay abstinent for longer.  Said that with extended abstinence that I would hope that I would get over this restless sleep and leave her alone  to sleep better.

What I would like but did not mention is that it would be nice if she were to punish me if I were to disturb her sleep.  Then there would be a feeling of control by her and submission by me.  I figured though she is not so much into that sort of thing and so may be a conversation too far.