Friday, July 22, 2016

The old sub introspective

I wonder if the sub male in me is simultaneously trying to accomplish:
a) Satisfy the sex drive and
b) Not wanting to take responsibility for anything or at least anything that requires too much serious thought or that has any significant consequences.

There is a certain calmness when one has no responsibility.  A could not give a s**t.

getting back to (a) "satisfying the sex drive does not necessarily mean getting an orgasm.  One can do that with ones hand.  But what a unsatisfying orgasm that is.  I think it is wanting to have an intimate connection with someone who cares and shows they care.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

A little secret sub sex

In a (for the moment) surprising turn of events last night the wife offered sex.

As a bit of background, she will be out of town for a few days.  She is also obviously aware that I tend to get a bit moody or depressed.  So maybe that was a motivator.

We had hugged and kissed and that was great for me.
I asked what I could do for her and she said that she was OK.
I actually find that in its self a downer.  I have to just let it go.

As we lie in bed, I am torn between a few things
1. Wanting a close intimate relationship
2. Wanting sex in a physical sense.
3. Wanting her to feel love for me
4. Wanting tease and titillation, denial and so on.

So she played with me.  touching and stroking as well as pinching my nipples hard.  The pain brings pleasure and waves of submissiveness wash over me.  I get rock hard.  so nice.

Anyway she lay on her back and told me to get my pants off.  So taking the line of 'do what I am told' obviously coupled with this being sex and also it's physically close touching. 

The really nice thing was once I was inside her she had us roll over and she worked herself up.  It is pretty hard for her to reach orgasm.  Any little distraction puts an end to it.  I've learned that the most helpful thing I can do is put my hands on her bum and leave them there.  Not talk.  Move to assist but lying still is better than too much attempted help on my part.

Then she came.

For me that was great.

She then wanted us to roll over so I was on top and for and me to cum.  I tried to engage her in denying me but she is just not into it.

At one stage, she just lay there with her hands beside her while I was humping away.  I was on edge but I guess these unmet desires for denial and so on were messing with me plus I guess getting older plus the feeling that being on top is somehow kind of wrong.  Anyway when she just lay there I went into this transcend sort of sub space where I imagined being her and having to be totally submissive and just lying there having been instructed by a male dominant that he wanted sex.  Pretty mixed up but anyway.  I guess one of the interesting things for me was that I did not imagine myself as the dominant.  I did not orgasm with feelings of power or being able to get this woman to just lie there.  Anyway that's the report for today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Why the madness

The shooting in Florida.  I wonder why the madness.  Why do people seek to impose their will by violence on others.

My sympathies and thoughts go out to those affected.

I understand that there are people in this world who hold different views to me but what drives them to want to exert their will by violence and yet I don't.  Like my thing is that I'm OK with you being different to me.  I don't wish to force you to be like me and I don't wish to kill you if you don't agree with me.  I don't understand why for others though they wish to kill those who are different from them.

My thoughts then go to all those other victims of violent crime all over the world that we don't hear about.  The Florida massacre is all over our news but there are killings every day all over the world and mostly we don't hear about them.  My heart goes out to those people and their families too.

Then I think "I really don't want to know".  I know that sounds weak and an excuse but too much of this just gets me down.  I wish for a peaceful world and a peaceful world for all.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Movie - The Intern

Just saw the movie "The Intern".

Old guy gets a internship with a company that sells to women on the internet.  It's a start up with tones of energy run by a competent, young, energetic young woman.  The old guy is assigned to work for her. 

 First half great.  Second half ho hum. 

She is over busy and has not learned to delegate.

At home, stay at home dad is uber supportive.  Does not tell her how to run the business.  Does support her.  Loves keeping house and looking after the kid and we discover that pre kid he had been successful (in marketing I think).  So in my view really doing the stay at home husband role well.

At home he has an affair - I thought this was a necessary and obvious sub plot to include.  I thought the movie handled it poorly.  At the kink level, I wanted her to overtly insist on his chastity and give him a dam good whipping.  At the very least, given it was a mainstream movie, they should have addressed the "she is too tired for sex" issue.

It would have tied in well with the work story line where she was over her head and needed to learn to delegate.  She was way too busy and disconnected.  In my view the business had grown past her and she needed to have a growth spurt and get on top of it again and that only comes through delegation

The end is weak as - he suddenly fades, takes heart? pills and goes back to palates in the park - How weak was that. 

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Submissive response to deal with internal frustration and anger

It's raining cats and dogs.  Bucketing down.  I love the sound of rain on a tin roof.  I find it relaxing and intimate.  Snuggling weather.  getting close and getting aroused.

So we are in bed, listening to the rain, snuggled up.  I ask if I can touch her breasts.  She says yes.  I gently slide my hand up under her pyjama top ( & tee shirt that she has under it) and gently caress her breast.  I find that nice.  I wish she did but ...anyway.... 

Then I remove my hand and start with one hand to unbutton her pyjama top. 
She snaps "What are you unbuttoning for" ?
Oops.  I have not asked.  She likes to be in control.
I can feel the anger rising inside me.
Why the fuck can't she just let go.  just go with it.  Let things flow. 
But she can't. 
She hadn't given permission.  It was outside of her control and she did not like it and marked the boundary.

I rolled from my side snuggled up beside her to my back and just lay there. 
Trying to calm myself.  I really really do not want this to end up with me blowing my stack out of frustration and spoiling the day for both of us.

I retreat into a submissive state of mind.
Let her be in control.  Let her run the activities.

And thankfully she does.
She strokes my penis and I go hard.
After a time she rolls on top of me.  Then reaches across to the bedside table and takes out a plastic bag and puts some baby oil in it.  She puts that over my penis and starts to masturbate me.  At the same time she pinches one nipple then the other.  She knows I like this.  Long slow strokes from the top of my penis right to the bottom and back up.  Nice and tight.  Interspersed with the pain of one nipple or the other being squeezed.  She kisses me on the lips and we play tongues. 
I cum oooh oh oh oh and she keeps massaging my penis and the orgasm fires and fires.  It's exhausting and I am spent.  We both lie and relax.

Naturally I ponder the dynamic.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Sub Driving

I watched a movie (I think) called "The Duke of Burgundy".  I found it pretty boring and skipped chunks of it.  There was a kinky flavour to it and so of course more interest than I otherwise would have had.

The jist is that there seemed to be two female lovers.  One was sub and the other effectively foisted into the position of dom.  An interesting parallel with my marriage.  The difference being that the dom character in the movie put some effort into the dom role whereas my wife does not.  more later.

Some titillating scenes, the sub has been instructed to clean th dom's boots but stops and is told off by the dom.  The sub escalates by stopping again and bring her stoppedness to the doms attention because what the sub wants is punishment.

Another scene involved them trying to buy a bed where there is a box section under where the sub can be placed.  the sub character is keen on being forced in.  The dom character is really more vanilla and really just wants the sub character to lie in bed with her.  They are unable to get the bed in time for the sub's birthday (was to be a birthday present) due to manufacturing lead times and the lady selling the bed suggests that they could supply a 'human toilet' construction.  The dom character excuses herself and in hindsight I suspect the thought appalled her.  Later the sub finds a coffin sized box and that is brought up to the bed room.  Then we see the sub is put to bed in it.  Tied up and locked in but in the middle of the night she makes a racket and gets the dom character to open up and un tie her.  When the dom asks if she is alright she says "It was just a mosquito". 

So misunderstanding of roles by the dom who in my opinion, having established that the sub is  driving the show and has disturbed the doms sleep, the dom should have whipped the sub and put her back in the box until she was really freaked out.  ie punish 'till it goes past sub enjoyment (but not past safe).

Back to reality and I had one of those fruitless train wreck conversations with my wife.  I asked if she was enjoying being the leader.  She said this was one of the fundamental differences between us that she did not think there needed to be an identified leader and that we should work as a team.  Whereas, in my view, she is unequivocally the leader.  She just does not vocalise it.  I [made the mistake] of pointing out that we are all subject to authority above us and most of us have people who are under us.  There is a chain of command.  She, in my view, just does not acknowledge that.  I also notes several of our friends where one partner or the other is very obviously the dominant or leading partner.  One where the wife is very much "in charge" and the other where the wife is to a degree submitted to her husband.  More in big decisions that day to day stuff but still she takes her lead from him. 

In the end the jist of it is that like in the move, the sub (me) is driving the agenda and she (the dom) is not liking it and does not get into it. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Intimacy. Busyness & tension

I crave intimacy.  At present the wife is 'intimate' to a degree.  But to me the relationship is tense.  I read many blogs that just seem so free.  Whether it is the male or the female who is the dom or the sub, it seems that the kink or BDSM world encourages communication and that seems to me to be essential for intimacy.

I was reading a stimulating posting on intimacy here
I'm going to quote his quote

Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.

Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.

We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.
All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clich├ęs of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.

Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”

I feel, I think .... betrayed.  I feel that by sharing my kink with my wife that I have pushed her away.  Reduced intimacy.  What I really crave I have lost.  Possibly the more I crave it the more desperate I become and the less likely I am to receive it.  I ponder to, maybe she feels betrayed.  I wonder if she had a certain mental picture of what a husband should be like and when I did not fit that picture, the shutters went up.

We had her brother stay with us over the weekend.  He knows we have been having marital issues.  This morning he sat with the two of us and asked if we wanted to hear his take on what he observed over the weekend.  We both agreed.  He served it out to both of us.  I had to suck up that I was not perfect.  He had observed a conversation between my wife and I where I had walked out of the kitchen in the middle of the conversation and she had apparently just looked at the ceiling.  I will make a conscious effort to ensure the conversation is finished before leaving in future.  He though was able to tell her several things that I have felt.  Like he pointed out that she being so busy was hurting the marriage.  That she rejected others offers of help and then would be run ragged doing doing and doing.  For example apparently one of our kids offered to help make lunch.  After offering two or three times and being rejected she said that he could peel  carrots.  She then proceeded to get a carrot of the bag and peel it despite him asking repeatedly for the peeler and insisting that he can do it.  (He's 14 BTW). 

So I guess I feel there is a lot of tension at home and a lot of lightness in blogland.