Friday, May 6, 2016

There has to be a pay off

I am a little bit excited and apprehensive at the same time.  A whole lot better than the mild depression I had been feeling.

I've said to my wife that:
  • I am really enjoying her teasing me and not letting me cum.
  • When I cum I would like it to be when she is turned on and wants me inside her.
I have said that if she would like to indulge me that she could wrap me in plastic and rub me but not let me cum.

Some time back I had told her that I had read about couples that practiced "NFP - Natural Family Planning"  These people seem to be generally catholic and the jist is orgasm denial for the men.  I had read several blogs and forums where the men were abstaining from orgasm pretty much continually.  Anyway I reminded her that I had enjoyed reading these and was turned on and envious of the men who's women were actively ensuring and encouraging their abstinence and that they would, knowing orgasm was off the table, have to work hard on other ways to connect and be intimate.

I also told her that when I am denied I dream and think about her a lot.

I guess what I am trying to do is help her to help me.  I guess we both need to enjoy things.  There has to be a pay off for both of us.

So the pay off for her I think is space.  Space and time to get turned on.  I think she will see a "nicer me" as a pay off.  So I guess I need to make sure all this is fun in a way.

I wonder what else could be a pay off for her.  What she would like?

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Who would have thought no orgasm would be a positive

Things seem to be on the up.  Last night she was intimate and said "no" again to my request for an orgasm.  A discussion of several sentences rather than just one or two words.  Some touch.  She stroked my penis and pretty much all over my body.  I cuddled her.  It was nice.  Touch is my love language.

She said she may say no till Mothers Day which is this Sunday pause or Fathers Day which is a couple of months away.  I said "that would be hot"

So now I'm having that kind of apprehensive feeling.  There will be that feeling of loss.  Quite apart from really really wanting an orgasm. 

As she said "you've done it before"
That was referring to when I abstained with her help for the 40 days of lent a few years ago and many years before when in the boarding house, I would abstain during term time.  Being caught "Wanking" could result in slipping down the social ladder to the pariahs. Mind you in the holidays I would masturbate so much that I actually used to look forward to getting back to the structure of life in the boarding house.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

She said "no"

In a return to some intimacy, last night she cuddled up to me and I got aroused and she stoked and then said "you can wait a while".

I wonder if I should have a conversation with her?

Not in the bed room and not just before we go to bed.  I think the jist of what I would like to say is that before we were married, we did not have sex yet we were close.  Plenty of kissing and cuddling and caring and desiring all without sex.  After we were married we had sex but over time it seems to me that she has become disinterested in sex.  So I would certainly trade sex for intimacy.  The final bit being that having the tease and denial bit, adds edge, adds sexual tension, adds intimacy.

I wonder .....

Thursday, April 28, 2016

If I knew then

I wonder what life would have been like if I knew then what I know now.

My wife has on occasion said she wished that she'd known what I was really like.  I don't think she would have married me.  Would I have married her?  Certainly if we had no kids, I would not feel so much the need to stick around and I suspect she would have left ages ago.

The dilemma with this decision is that in a way I have brought kink more to the fore.  I was always kinky but also at the time of marriage my self esteem was good and even though we did not engage in any kinky stuff (did not even discuss it) that seemed ok.  I was not repressing it.  You know people go through phases of trying to supress their weirdness.  I don't recall doing that.  So I was in love with her and that was all that seemed to matter.

If we had had a open discussion where I brought forth all my kinks and somehow she brought forth that she was as vanilla as one can get then either we would have said "not for us, the cost will be too great" or perhaps both would have gone in willing to work with the other.  Maybe she would have engaged with kink even if she did not like it.  Whereas now her position is "This is not what I signed up for".

Who knows.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016


Triggered by reading this

I want to be spanked.  Weird hey.

Now in times past, I have gotten my wife to spank me and cane me and whip me with a chord.  That was interesting.  Tempered because she is just not into it.  It's not a topic she engages with so I cant even satisfy my curiosity as to what she is thinking on the topic.

One thing I learned, on a practical side was that I found that it was a quite effective way to get rid of a headache.  Maybe it only works for certain types of headaches.  Maybe say tension headaches.  I don't have enough data to progress this.

I used to liken it to "Trigger Point Massage".  In a  "Trigger Point Massage", quite considerable pressure is put on certain locations.  It is reasonably painful in its own way.  Annoyingly, my wife likes trigger point massage but not spanking.  For me though, certainly in terms of dealing with headaches they both work and they both seem to be painful to a degree.

Another thing for me with spanking though I want the dominant person to make the decisions.  When, how many, how hard.  I have always had to ask her to spank me.  I've tried to tell her that it would be great if she were to surprise me and tell me I am going to be spanked and take control but no.  Never happens.  That tempers the experience.  Having to cajole her into it makes it harder to get into a submissive head space and then if she stops and says "Is that enough" - Well No it isn't until you say so.  Or "Am I hurting you"? 'well yes that the idea' Get on with it!  (Grr  :) )

I have this crazy dream that I would like to be tied down and spanked, whipped or caned really hard.  I want to be free to cry and scream but I don't want the person to diminish the force.  I don't want to be asked anything and I don't want a safe word.  For practical or I guess legal and medical protection we would need to negotiate the boundaries but once agreed, I want to be helpless.  Weird hey.

A would also like to spank her or a woman but that is another story.  :)

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Adult nappies and a drive to endure

This weekend just gone was a long weekend where we remember our war dead.  Those people who fought and died for our country and as a result we have the freedom to live today.

It was also for me a weekend of commitments with a fair bit of travel.  I decided to wear an adult nappy during the day and on Friday night when I would be in a motel on my own away from my wife.  Only for number ones I might add. 

I keep a small supply of adult nappies (diapers for our American fiends) for when I go to the theatre or concerts as on occasion, I have been caught short and not enjoyed the show because I was concentrating on holding it.  Also after I have been sitting for a while and I stand up then pretty quickly I sometimes get a urge to go and the end result is absolutely just focussing on holding it until I can get to the toilet.

Anyway, because I don't use them continuously, I tend to try a different type each time I but a pack.  The most recent pack while having good capacity is a bit more bulky that I normally buy and also they don't seem to fit so well.  I figured I would use them up.

So for this weekend I started with the idea that I would hold off until desperate and then wee then hold off again and then find a toilet.  The personally set goal was to try to go about 8 hrs between visits to the toilet.  I know that these things pretty much only hold at most one bladder full.  I also don't trust them so I always wear plastic pants over them.  The main problem I have found is that when one sits, some wetness can be squeezed out. 

I found though that rather than holding until desperate, I got a bit lazy, and that as soon as I felt the need a bit, that I would just relax.  And it is relaxing in it's own way. This way they ended up gradually filling.  They got quite full and there was a noticeable lump between my legs.  That then provided motivation to hold on until the 8 hrs was up.  In that time frame I also had to resist the temptation to do a nappy change.  I had set this personal goal and there was this weird desire to endure and push through till the self appointed completion time.

So in the end I went Friday afternoon through late Friday night.  Change and wore one through the night then another Friday day with a change mid afternoon and through to late Sat night by which time I was home and also quite glad to take a break from it.  Then another two on Sunday with a break Sunday night and likewise on Monday. 

The wife would I think just be negative if I were to wear one to bed.

In the end kind of a fun thing.  I know that objectively it seems disgusting to think that a grown man would deliberately wear then wet and remain in a wet diaper but that's it. 

It also reminded me that in many times in my past I have set these personal goals and found a weird sense of need to achieve them.  Sometimes academic but more often in what I now know as the kink space. 

Friday, April 22, 2016

It's in the way I communicate

I note with some sadness that people rarely comment on my blog. 

Looking back over my life, I realise that as time has gone on, I've become quieter and quieter.  With my wife, I find that if I say something, it can be taken the wrong way and unfortunately instead of her clarifying my meaning she just takes the wrong interpretation.  Sometimes I find out later that I had the "wrong" "Inflection" in my voice.  In general though I seem to just be a little off key with my interactions so I find it's easier to just stay quiet.

This does not seem to happen when I am with a group of guys.  General chit chat about sport, politics, religion or the attractiveness of some passing female. 

I guess with the guys, I am not discussing personal feelings or thoughts. 

Here on this blog and with my wife of course it is personal level discussion.  On here, I pour out my thoughts and feelings.  With the wife, I have learned not to share such things.  In that arena it seems that if I express an interest or desire in something, I then find she does not like it.  Whether sexual or whatever.  Most recently, I thought a scenic flight in a small plane would be nice.  Nope turns out she hates small planes.  Could not establish why or if she'd ever been in one.  She just does not like them.

And that is just the way it is.