Thursday, January 31, 2013

The start of the year

Well it is the start of the school year and moody me is of course aprehensive.

Aprehensive because fear we (wife, I & family) my slip into the same rut as last year.

There is of course the busyness that comes with kids - shopping, sport, taxi driving and so on.

The rut is the social calendar that my wife keeps.  It seems to me that she hears of something and it gets added to the social calendar.  My time is filled up by her.

Last night (Wednesday)  in bed she said "I have just found out that XYZ meeting is on tomorrow (Thursday) night do you mind if I go". 

Now up until that conversation I was feeling pretty good.  Thursday night was already spoken for driving one child to a sporting commitment and I was intending to stay and watch.  There was an implied expectation that I would attend said XYZ meeting because it is for an event that we are both involved in and that meant that someone would have to organise our child to be transported to and from the sporting commitment.  All possible.

Well that just caused me stress.
To me what could have been better would have been:-
"I (wife) am going to XYZ meeting tomorrow night"
and even better would have been
"I (wife) am going to XYZ meeting tomorrow night and you are taking [child] to sport"
You see what would have made it better is not having questions.

It appeals to my submissive self not to have to think.  Well not to think at the sort of social calendar level.  I am quite happy and able to think and act within the limits set.  So I do not need to be told how to take the child to sport or even what time and so on.

Now back to the stress.  I think a key reason for me feeling stress was that last year in particular I had felt especially moody and we had played a little with the idea of submission but not much and so even though I find the submissive position quite comforting, it feels like she is not into it and just goes about her business oblivious to the effect on others.

What I am trying to say is that the stress was caused by memories of the past rather than the actual present.

Anyway the outcome of that was I am taking the child and she is going to the meeting.

The outcome that was not really addressed was having a cordiall discussion about how to approach this.  It would have been nice if she had understood that if she were simplt to tell me rather than ask me it would be less stressful and actually fun in a way.

In other totally unrelated thing though that does relate to the power of mothers, It was australia day here in oz and of course people had parties.  Somehat truncated this year because of some wild weather.  However we attended a lunch get together recently and met up with a family where I had known the father in my uni days.  Introduced to his wife and two daughters 8 and 10yo.  Children came and went and played and ours like most had soft drink.  Their kids had water.  It transpires mum has decreed no softdrink for their children.  Ever!.  "they know they are not allowed" the mother said.  Ah the power of mothers I thought.  As she said this, one of the daughters stood beside her and did the pout and then ran off to play. 

I thought we were pretty strict with our kids in that regard.  We don't have soft drinks except on special occasions.  Partys ok but as a general drink.  In that our kids are not allowed just to go buy a coke.  And this can be tough if their friends drop into the shops on the way home from school and purchase soft drink. But no soft drink ever.  wow. 

What of course appealed to me was that in conversation it was the mothers decision.  Husband just went along with it. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

Over reaction & mindset

I am .... moody.

Last night she whipped me.  Ah you say.  Ouch I say.

OK some background. 
We (the wife and I) seemed to have drifted away from the submission thing.  I had gotten the impression she did not like it.  So I did a few things that she did not agree with lets say. 

So she was out at various meetings last night and when she came home she observed some rearranging I had done in the yard.  I thought it was a good idea and that I was being helpful, insightful.  Yet her questioning implied otherwise.  In a similar vein I had asked one of the kids to do something for her and she had come home during the day and had told the kid that she had wanted to do that herself.  Strike 2 to my ego.  And then we had both received an email relating to an event that we are both involved in.  I had held off sending a response.  I wanted to confer with her and ensure that my response was fair and reasonable and of course I just saw it as a curtosy to involve her.  When I go to discuss it with her I find she has already sent a response by email.  Strike 3 to my ego.

Now all of the above would have been quite OK had I been in a submissive mindset.  But as I indicated we seemed to have gotten off that. 

So I got moody.  Sulked.  Spoke to her and told her what was what.  Over reacted.

Went to bed.

Later when she had done whatever she intended to do, she came into the bed room.  I was pretty much asleep but started to awaken when she opened the draw of our bedside table.  She said "Roll over onto your tummy".  I realised she was going to whip me using the electrical flex we keep in there for that purpose.

I rolled over and she whipped me.  I was not counting.  It hurt.  A lot.  A lot more than it had hurt before.  I writhed around on the bed and eventually put my hand back and said stop.  She stopped.  Then after a pause she said lie down again and she did a few more.  Once again I grabbed the wire that she was whipping me with.  Then after a pause she said lie down again and she walked round to the other side of the bed.  I said no more and she said "I will decide that and we need to balance it out".  I bit into the pillow and once again my bottom exploded in pain.  I writhed arround.  Then it was over.  She put the whip away and got into bed and I just lay there and after my heart stopped pounding I reliased how stupid I had been.  I thanked her for my wakeup call.  My come to my senses call.

I said I was sorry.

In hindsight I think though that it is much easier to stay in a submissive mindset than to switch unexpectadly.  If I had been in that mindset, I would have asked before either of the first two actions and I would not have gotten angry at her replying to the email without consulting me.

I also wondered why it seemed so much more painful than previously.  I think it may have been because I was not mentally prepared for it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Yes No

So I have stayed off the topic of submission.
Hopefully she is at least a little OK with inflicting pain on me during sex.

It is kind of strange to realise that I am a masochist.  Also submissive mind you.

I recall in high school that in our english class we were reading a book.  I do not remember the name of the book.  There was a character in the book who it was suggested may have allowed himself to be beaten because he enjoyed or was atleast aroused by being beaten.  The term masocist was mentioned.  Incidentally I learned the word existentialst in that class too.

I recall being amazed that someone could be aroused by pain.  Just could not relate to it.

Yet looking back, I know I was certainly intrigued by discipline, power, pain and so on.  I did not get aroused by pain and as I said could not relate to the idea of being aroused by it.  At the same time, I was OK with it.  For example, even though I was scared stiff of getting the cane, I would willingly trade up from a detention to getting the cane.  It was almost a shrug of the shoulders sort of thing.  Like I knew it would hurt and hurt a lot and leave 4 or 6 very dark bruises.  Actually the bruises were a mark of honour.  But to me it was preferable to some long drawn out detention sitting writing lines or whatever.

So now it is kind of weird to admit to myself that I am aroused by pain and not being disgusted with myself either.

As an aside, this morning, I hinted at sex with my wife who responded by saying "no you can wait a few days". 

It is weird I know that would like her to tie me face down on the bed and whip me.  It is weird that I want it to hurt.  I want her to do it hard.  As hard as she possibly can and harder.  But I do not want anyone else to do it.  strange.

She got her short boy style hair cut. 
Funny I find it very sexy.  I like to run my hands up the back and feel it slightly prickly and also to see and feel her ears.
I guess it represents power in some traditional sense.
Maybe it is just the juxtaposition of the sexes.

Friday, January 18, 2013

pain stimulates

My wife read diary of a submissive.

This morning she pinched my nipples.
Cripes it hurt.
But I got hard.

How weird am I.

OK I laready knew I was weird.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

she forgets to ask me and short hair on women

So I still harbour submissive desires.
She is not really into the kinky bdsm dominance that I crave.

When we talk she often brings up comments like equality.

So I had to smile when she cc'd me on two emails that she had sent today. 

One email said that neither of us would be attending a church related meeting this saturday.  I looked on my calendar which incidentally also is visible to her on her phone and there are absolutly no entries on it.  She may have something on that I don't know about but he email said that neither of us would be attending the meeting.

The second email included this
"Thanks for organising this.  Yes, please can we pencil [child] into a seat with you?  I will speak with [husband] about it this afternoon - I keep forgetting to talk with him about plans."

Now does that sound like the person in charge or what?  She just gets in there and makes the decisions.

At a slightly different angle,
As old time readers would know, our family are deeply involved in our local church and the traditional view of churches is that men are in charge.  Mind you we have a female pastor and most of the people who organise things are women.  And before we were married and during the early part of our marriage, we did try to be man in charge and wife is submissive.  Ok so not so long back my wife got a short hair cut.  But our daughter has long hair partially because little girls often like the long hair princess sort of look and partially because as parents we have encouraged that as being feminine.  So anyway recently we were at the shopping mall and a mother and child there.  Initially we thought the child was a boy as the child had short back and sides but when they moved away from the counter we saw the child was wearing a dress.  My wife had told me that my daughter had asked if she could have short back and sides.  I said it was my wife's decision and that I was OK either way.  Anyway so I received a text today asking if was I still ok with my daughter getting short back and sides as my wife is planning on both of them going and getting short back and sides.  I took a deep breath.  It's kind of scary.  I guess I like girls to look like girls in the traditional sense.  But I also like the idea of not arguing with my wife.  So putting those together there is this desire that the woman who is in charge look like a woman in that traditional kind of way.  So I texted back and said "It will be very different, go for it with my love and blessing.  Have fun.  Exite me".  So I wait and I do confess with some feelings each way.  But hay its a new thing.

Monday, January 7, 2013

She is on holiday

Nothing interesting to report.  Pretty depressing actually.

She is on holiday.
I am at work.

From my perspective she is disconnected.
I suggested to her that she could give me some instructions but that has fallen on deaf ears.

I think I am in this weird space.  Our marriage is in this weird space.

She just does not have any sexual drive.
Well not with me anyway.

Recently she read "Diary of a submissive"
I thought that was good.
We had a little discussion about it recently.
There is a chapter toward the end of the book where the woman in the case of the book, the submissive one, went away for work.  After a week or so he boyfriend / dominant instructed her to go to her bag and see what was in the side pocket.  Turns out chop sticks and rubber bands.  He instructed her to put the rubber bands on pairs of chop sticks and put them on her breasts.  Pain.  And that is all my wife took from reading that chapter.  She did not take that he (the dominant) had done some preparating in advance and then while they were away, he decided the timing. 

Nope not my wife.  She is away and her mind is away.
She is not thinking about sex, or me.  She is in the moment.

And given that she is at the beach and I am in the burbs well who can blaim her.

And that is pretty depressing and shows really how low our mariage is in her list of priorities.