Tuesday, July 26, 2011

philosophical musings

Subservient husband has an interesting posting
It mentions many things
Long term chastity,  Masculine feelings,
feeling more 'feminine' possibly even a desire to cross dress.

It has stimulated my thinking
I really enjoy it when my wife reaches orgasm.  It actually makes me feel like I have contributed to the relationship.  It is especially nice when this happens without me reaching orgasm.  I enjoy the feeling that she has had pleasure and I get pleasure from focussing on her.

This is not to say I never want sex or never want to reach orgasm - I do.  But I also get enjoyment from not being distracted by me reaching orgasm.

But it is a head space thing.  I would imagine I would feel very left out if she were to have tried to force this on me.

'Your such a girl', 'Good Girl'
There was a time when that was seen as a derogatory term.  Then we had a phase in which that was a politically incorrect statement.  I wonder if one day soon it will be seen as words of praise.

Dressing Pretty
In Subservient husband's blog he mentions a desire to dress more prettilly and one of the commenters also said that her husband would like to do this too.
As I think about it I think the following
How do men dress to impress?  They really have fewer options.
Women can wear anything that men wear but men can not really wear dresses.
Having said that I went to a pub with my wife and some friends and some scottish bag pipers performed wearing kilts and it was a real powerful experience of masculinity.  They appeared powerful yet were wearing skirts.  Interesting thoughts.  The women in our group were certainly aroused.

Primary Love Language

It would seem that we have my wifes primary love language as "acts of service" and so that should work out reasonably well for me taking the submissive role.  It means that the more I serve, the more she will feel that I love her. 

It is kind of nice to be able to focus my male one track mind.

Obviously I can not totally neglect the other 4 languages but for now I will enjoy having something to focus on.

I guess there are general acts of service
Washing up,
Tidy house
and personal acts of service
Massage - Big advantage of this one is that it is service to her and "physical touch" for me and is not 'invasive physical touch' ie groping which is her big turn off.
Foot massage - I know that others write about spending hours massaging their partners feet,

I suspect that she sees letting me have sex or not have sex is seen by her as an act of service to me.  That is tease and denial does nothing for her but she does it because she knows I like it.  Interesting to consider it from that point of view.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Young girls marriage proposal - you WILL marry me!


Young girl learning to assert herself.
Boy is conflicted because he knows that eventually he will sucum to her pressure and marry her because she says so.
I guess the earlier one learns the better.

big picture

Weird isn't it that almost a 100 people killed in Norway, so many starving in southern Nigeria that it takes a month to get registered in a refugee camp in order to get food.  Yet here I am dealing with emotional relational issues with my wife.

Finally decided that her primary love language is "acts of service".
Sort of a process of elimination.
She certainly is not a "physical touch" person,
I dismissed "quality time" - couple of examples, If we went an saw a movie then she was not into discussing the moral implications, or possible twists in the plot.  Another example - she came and sat as I watched TV last night.  Now sitting with someone watching TV is not quality time.  Especially when you do not enjoy the show.  So I decided that she was approaching it as an "act of service" to me.
That left "receiving gifts" & "Words of encouragement".  It could have been either of these but in the end it seemed that she was a real doer for others.

So now my challenge is to do acts of service for her and see if she sees that as a expression of my love.

One of the difficulties is that whilest she does lots of "acts of service" for others, she does not let others serve her.  She is quite inderpendant.  In fact I think that she will sometimes feel that when someone does something for her that it is disempowering her.  Possibly because she could have done it better or faster herself.

By that for eample, I mean, I find our house to be a cluttered mess yet whenever I try to clean it up, she goes through the trash to make sure I did not thow anything away that she feels could be better used.

So there you go.
When she whips me she is doing it as a service to me.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Just feeling a bit ordinary right now.

We have some friends over.  Earlier today my wife said she "was just going to wear jeans even though she knows I would prefer to wear a skirt"  She has every right to dress how she likes but I just felt irrelevant.  Get over it!.

I was also a bit anoyed that there were several things that she sort of half organised and I was left to make them work.

There grumbled here and not at her.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

needing not wanting

Last night I got grumpy and spoke shortly to my wife.
This does not inspire her nore do anything for me.

Did not sleep well.
Realised as the garbage truck drove up the street that I had forgotton to put the bins out.

Got up put bins out on the other side of the road which had not been done yet.
Went back inside and crawled into bed.
Wife now awake.

I lay in bed pondering.
I was feeling a bit depressed I guess.
I thought she should whip me for the way I had spoken to her last night and also for me not being proactive and helping but I really did not feel like it.
Its kind of interesting to consider punishmnet.  Especially physical punishment.  People see it as either abuse or cathardic (I guess).
I figured though that I can't just get whipped when I feel like it. 

So I eventually resolved to ask her.
Said "you really should whip me for being so rude last night".

So she did.
Turned on the bed side light.
Opened the bottom draw and took out the electrical flex.
I did not count them but they were good and painful.
I feel better now.
   Clearer head,
   Like she is in control a bit anyway.
   Punished for behaving wrong.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

5 love languages ideas

These are the 5 love languages (See below for more explanation)

1  Words of affirmation
2  Quality Time
3  Receiving Gifts
4  Acts of service
5  Physical Touch

I am looking for ideas.  I would like to specifically do one of each of these each day for her.  So far I have done a few things - Bought her flowers, chocolate, made sure I listen if she wishes to talk, done washing and hung it out and brought it in, hugged her.

If you have suggestions, please leave a comment.


The wife returns and I am saddened

My wife returned from her conference last evening and I am not so excited.  I guess I built up hope in my own mind about how things could progress and those hopes were dashed.

This is a "letter" that I wrote to her.  I won't send it to her.  It's just my cathardic self exercise to try to get the negative thoughts out of my system.

Here we go......

Last night I asked "Am I pushing the right love language buttons"
I received a non comittal answer.
I continued to enquire if you had read the "5 love languages book" and I received a sort of vague answer that you may have read some of it.
I asked if you were going to read it and I received another answer that left me wondering.  You said that you were busy right now and did not have time to read it but that you "might read it in the holidays" [note1 below]

So I am perplexed.  Not understanding.

I thought WE had a problem.  A problem in OUR mariage.
So I had been taking steps to try to address my perception of the problem.
Last year I went on the Landmark course.
Later I tried a totally different approach to our relationship - Attempting to hand you the control that I perceive you wanted.
I got the impression that you wanted me to read the "5 love languages".  I thought that you had read it and saw value in it and wanted me to benefit and to heal our relationship.  So in my new found enthusiasm to try to recover our mariage, I started and have almost finished it.

So now I am left wondering.

I know last night that you said that you are hesitant because you do not know when I will have my next mood swing.

So I perceive that you perceive that I have a problem.

I also perceive that you think I have another problem and that is that I criticise you.  This in its self leaves me with a problem and that is that if I express my feelings then it is taken as criticism of you and is turned around back on me at some time in the future.    [which is why I will not be showing this 'letter' to her]

I perceive that negative criticism by me is taken to your heart and that it stays lodged there.  Recently you reminded me that I used to say "get up get up you lazy cow".  Now when did I say that?  In the first year of marriage. 16 years ago. I am not sure when but it was a long long time ago.  And you expressed to me way back then that you found it hurtful and so I stopped using that phrase.  Yet now, many years later, it is brought up.  I assume because it still hurts you.  I am sorry.  So sorry.  I can not undo what I did or said in the past but somehow I ask you to try to move on too. 

Forgiveness comes to mind.  I suspect that until you can forgive me, that you will continue to be burdened by my past and your past - our past.

I wonder if you like the current state of play.  Our relationship in a perminant state of discontent.  Some sort of cumfort through your misery.  Perhaps you are scared to be "in love" with me again.  Perhaps having me mentally / relationship frustrated helps you maintain control.  Even though you do not overtly wish to control.

I have to confess that I do not think you trust me.
You left me "in charge" and that was fine while you were engrossed in your conference.  It seems to me that as you started the long drive home, your thoughts turned to home and
a) You offerred to make dinner. But then you were so late and I was left to expend even more effort to organise our eldest to prepare dinner via telephone instructions all at the last minute.
b) you got involved in organising transport for #2 sons soccer training.  But did not organise it to completion.  You handed me a half organised problem for me to solve yet had you trusted me and just left it to me then it would have been taken care of.  I could have understood you contacting me to ask had I remembered to organise the transport but that was not the way you chose to play it.

So there we go.  Where to from here.  How to recover trust, find forgiveness, rekindle love & lust and have a fun life together.

[note1]"might read it in the holidays"
How should I interpret this?
You have been going to clean up your study "In the holidays" for the last half a dozen holidays.
"No time now"?  I have seen you read Harry Potter and other novels.  You find time for the things that are important.
I suspect that you are fearful that reading the 5 love languages will eventually result in you facing a difficult set of decisions for you.  The call to self to take steps, conscious steps within our marriage to heal our relationship.  Steps toward loving me.  At the moment I think you love me as a person but you are not "in love" with me and I think you fear being "in love" with me.

And that dear kinky bloggers is what I would like to tell my wife but dare not because it will just deepen her conviction that I am negatively judgemental and that everything I say to her.

That feels better.  Off my chest.  On with the day.

What should I do for her today...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Wednesday AM

My wife is still away.

I have not had sexual release since before she went away almost a week ago.

Recently I have been kept a week or two chaste and it has almost been a non event.  A couple of times I blogged each day with how I felt and gave up because it was too easy and I was not really feeling anything.

Today I am feeling sort of aprehensive for want of a better word.  There is a strange feeling of tension? between my shoulder blades and chest like a person is pushing in slightly with their fingers.  Weird. I shrug my shoulders and get on with it.  I remember feeling it before when I was abstaining.

In recent times, when I abstained, I did not get this feeling.  Perhaps it is because this time, she is not present.  In the last few periods of abstinance, she has stroked my penis and teased me a little and that made it much easier to actually abstain.  The acknowledgemet that I was facing a small physical challenge I think.

Naturally at night I wake up with a hard on and have to resist the temptation to rub myself.

I find myself thinking of her constantly.  In my submissive frame of mind, I am thinking what can I do for her.  What will make her feel happy when she returns.

I also selfishly think of what I would love her to do to me when she returns.
The list includes:-
Thanking me for cleaning the house and looking after the kids. (selfish of me to want a thankyou)
Playing a tease and denial game.
Sex.  - Yes I like to abstain but I do like sex too.  very much.
Her stating that I would have continued abstinance.
Spanking me or whipping me - Makes me feel submissive and reinforces her authority.  I do not think I will be asking to be punished because I do not feel I have done anything wrong but I would love her to either give me a 'maintenance spanking' or if I have disapointed her then for her to explain that and then punish me.

Feel free to make suggestions.
What would be nice would be suggestions as to nice text messages I could send her.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


This looks interesting

Missing her

My wife is still away and I am missing her.
I am glad that she feels free to be away and that makes me feel good.
subservient-husband has an inspirational posting about how doing household chores turns him on.
I have from time to time gotten into that head space and loved it but right now, it just seems like a chore.

Like him, I earn 50% more than my wife and also I really enjoy my work and I very much doubt if my wife would wish me to give up work.  Also she likes doing some things.  She actually likes cooking although she does appreciate it when I cook.  She also insists on doing the grocery shopping.  On many occasions over the years I have offerred to do the grocery shopping.  Even pre submission days, it seemed to be one way I could contribute.  But to no avail.  Ironing is an interesting one.  I do not think either of us like ironing.  When we were married (even when I was trying to get her to submit to me - naughty me!) I said to her that "I did not do ironing" but I would not force her to either.  I said that I work all day and I bring in money.  I am happy to pay someone to iron.  Not sure what I should do here.  Mind you if she asks or tells me to iron then I would jump at it.

On the other hand, she is not into tidying up.  She likes a tidy house but is too much of a hoarder so there is too much junk around our house so I am spending time putting a lot of stuff in the attic and taking it to the tip.  Mind you, I do not want to be seen as being "sneaky" or "passive agressive" so anything that is hers or that she may wish to keep is not being thrown out.

We had a lovely phone call from her last night and she spoke to me and to each child in turn.

Last night I had all the kids making their school lunches ready for today and I enjoyed that too.

Also with her away, I was a bit naughty.  I did not masturbate as I have asked her to control my orgasms but I have a bit of a fetish for wearing diapers and plastic pants so I indulged that.  She knows I wear them to things like concerts or to work on days when I have potentially long meetings because I go from OK to desparate to pee in about 30 seconds and that is just distracting or anoying.  But at home, she does not like to touch the plastic pants nor feel the diapers.  So last night, I peed in the toilet, then I put on a diaper and plastic pants and my pyjamas.  Tucked my penis pointing backwards to prevent any possibility of an erection.  Went to bed.  In the middle of the night when I would normally get out of bed for the 2am pee, I just relaxed and wet and went back to sleep.  Disgusting arn't I. 

Monday, July 11, 2011


Looking after kids.  Enjoying it.
Wife still away.
Missing her.

Dream and muse on what it would be like if men were required to be submissive

Sunday, July 10, 2011


this is just a brief update. from my phone.

my wife is away for a few days at a conference.

I am looking after the kids. today though the kids are visiting her parents. its great that we all get on well.

I feel good that I can support her by looking after the kids.

in other things / feelings:
there is still some bruising on the back of my legs from my last whipping. last Tuesday night ? it was pretty intense and I deserved it for getting grumpy and speaking harshly to her. I think she is becoming more comfortable with the idea of punishing me. not to lord it over me but because I have asked for her help in me learning more self control.

mentally I continue to have what I call submissive desires. on Friday I suggested sex and sh was quite direct with saying that she did not want sex and that surely I could wait until atleast she gets back from her conference in a weeks time.

I also wonder whether she is gaining confidence with discipline of the kids. we have always spanked our kids normally she would get me to spank or when they reached 10, strap them and often, even though we would discuss the punishment, after it was complete, she would by crying along with the kid who had deceived it.

Anyway, when I decided to submit to her, we had several discussions about her punishing me and she was not enthused by the idea. I asked her to whip me using a piece of electrical chord and told her that one of the reasons I chose it was it was not a implement that I would ever even consider using on the kids. I wanted to ensure that my fetish (for want of an alternate description) was never in any way associated with my child rearing. in fact since submitting to her, I had not instigated punishing the kids at all. I would only do it if she asked me to and as in the past she was always present when I physically punished the kids.

anyway, interestingly, on Friday when I got home from work she told me that son2 would not be going for a sleepover at his friends house because of bad behaviour and that she had warned him and then delivered 4 strokes of the belt and then another two and then an hour later when the rude behaviour continued she had withdrawn the sleepover priviledge.

Friday, July 8, 2011

5 love languages - me and maybe a 6th

In a previous post, I indicated I thought my primary love language was quality time.

I have changed my mind.  I think my primary love language is Physical.

I enjoy it when you touch me.
In bed I enjoy the physical touching and cuddling up.  (Even if it is not a precusor to sex).
I enjoy it when you touch me,
I enjoy it when you touch my penis.
I enjoy it when you deny me sexual relief - its physical and you are involved.
I enjoy it when you whip me. - Its physical I guess.

There is another thing.  A sixth love language?.  I will call it "Compliance".
as in "you show you love me by complying with my demands"

After we got married I tried to get you to do physical things.  I think because someone doing those physical things to me would mean that they loved me.
So I would
Touch (grope) you between your legs.
Sticking my tongue in your mouth.
Run my hands all over your body.
Wrap you in cling wrap with some baby oil to make it slippery against your skin.
whatever.  It was intensly physical and to me the more intense the more the communication of love.

Paired with this was compliance.
Perhaps the idea starts with the idea that a child who loves their parents complies with their parents.
But with an adult, compliance is a conscious decision and I think that I saw love as being communicated through compliance.
So I saw you demonstrating love to me through compliance to my requests.

So I would find a piece of you and touch you and you would resist and I would keep touching you there because on the one hand, to me, physical touch was love.  I was showing my love by touching and you were showing your love by complying.

Short skirts - clothes are a physical thing.  Seeing you in a short skirt made you look good, physical, sexual, lovely - read full of love.
Complying with my requirement to wear a short skirt especially when circumstances made it difficult reinforced the communication of that love.

Hope this makes sense.

The converse was also therefore true.
The more you rejected the physical contact - the less you loved me (in my eyes)
The more you did not comply - the less you loved me.

So now we are in a situation where you know all about what turns me on.  What demonstrates love.

So I realise that in being overtly submissive to you that I was [clumisly] looking for a way, still based on me, but knowing that you did not like physical touch, to show love to you.  An interesting side effect was that to be compliant requires something to comply to and so I would keep asking you to be bossy / make demands of me because I wanted to show my love through being compliant to your request.

To my readers here - This is the guts of a message to my wife augmented a bit here so the first and second person text is kind of mixed up buyt I was too lazy to rewrite it all in the tense.  Sorry.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

5 love languages

I am trying to do some selfexamination and I am reading a book (at my wife's request) called the five love languages.

The basic tennant of the book is that we have an "in love" experience that lasts for about two years during which we often get married.  Then we come down off that high and things get pretty ordinary.  To stay "in love", we need to find out what speaks to our partner.  What tells them we love them.  Apparantly during the "in love" phase, we often do this action subconsciously and that was why the partner became attraced to us but later we stop doing it and so they feel unloved.

The 5 love languages are
Words of affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of service
Physical Touch

Now my primary love language is actually "Quality Time".  Surprising as initially I would have thought it was physical touch - Sex, whipping and so forth - all physical.  Yet after reading most of the book, I think it is "quality time".  By that I mean that I feel most loved when she spends time with me.  Making an effort.  Having sex is fun but having time together as happens with tease and denial for example is more fun.  Even though whipping is intense, I think the real closeness comes from the fact that she is spending time (& effort) with me.

Now the challenge to me is to work out her primary love language.  (& it ain't physical that's for sure)

Now all is not so good there as she said to me:-
"18 years of marriage and you don't know me.  My friends know me better than you do"
So clearly I am not communicating her primary love language to her.

So today I am going to do at least one of each ofthese 5 love language things for her.  BTW, feel free to write suggestions because I am pretty hopeless at these things.


Lost it again last night.

I got home from work and we were to go and visit a friend. My wife had said she would ring and organise the exact time and details.  My wife was not home when it came to to the time I thought we should leaave. 

My friend called me to ask where we were. 

I tried calling my wife but no answer. 

When she fially got home she said she had forgotten to call and she was not worried about being late. I felt bad / ignored / forgotton / disrested not sure exactly which but anoyed for sure.

 I got anoyed and spoke harshly and judjementally to my wife.  

So anoyed with myself.  Hardly submissive.
Requested and received a whipping.
The hardest yet.
Some dark bruises on the top back of my right leg.
I deserve it.
I appreciate it.
I wish to be better.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Submissive or just a helpful husband

Regular readers would know that from time to time I muse about the philosophy of all this
For example

I wonder what the difference between a submissive husband and simply a helpful husband is.
Perhaps that is the benefit for her.
They say 'women give sex to get love, men give love to get sex'
Am I giving - being helpful to her to get love and or sex?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Not much hapening

I think she tolerates me but does not in any way shape or form have even the remotest idea about it.

I think for her sex is something that happens and she enjoys it when the planets line up providing she is not busy.  Sex is just not even at the back of her mind.


I can suggest teasing me but she just does not get it and does not think of it.

Frustrating actually.

OK and all you who say its topping from the bottom, well if it then so be it.  To me both parties need to get something.  Win - win.  So far it seems I am looking for ways to satisfy both of us and she is satisfied with nothing.  By that I do not mean that she is never satisfied.  Rather the opposite.  She is satisfied by nothing / by everything.  Certainly satisfied by non sexual stuff.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sleeping Beauty

My wife has been working hard all week even though it is school holidays and I know she has really enjoyed the course she was on but also missed the kids.

So I figured on a couple of things.  I would invite her to a movie and dinner Friday evening and then do some gardening on Saturday as she like gardening and the kids enjoy being in the yard too.

I also thought I would take her to a movie that was a little different and possibly titilate her.

I had seen a review for "Sleeping Beauty" on TV.  Reviewed by David & Margaret.  They are older and reasonably conservative and so it looked like a sort of middle class soft porn.  Like moulon rouge or eyes wide shut.  Now I recall seeing eyes wide shut and my wife had gotten titillated by that especially two girls who are kissing in one scene.  And also on one occasion when us and several other couples from our group of friends had had a night on the town.  Trying to recapture our youth I guess.  :).  She and one of the other wives had kissed each other.  They were all over each other tongues in each other mouths and touching shoulders and breasts.  (Too much to drink I guess).  Anyway I figured take a risk.

In hindsight.  Should have bit-torrented it and watched it first.
B O R I N G.

Have a movie review
The only really titillating bit and interestingly we both agreed on that was the scene where the girl is standing in bra and panties and being inspected.
There was a potentially titilating scene where all these topless girls are waiting on old men.  But no sexual tension because they were too old to do anything and she was too cold to feel anything if that makes sense.

Then there is a strange turn, hence the name of the story, where she is paid to be drugged to send her to sleep and then old men paw her and drool over her and of course she does not know what happens and that makes it mildly interesting.

So its a slow character study but her character has not much dialogue.  Seems to have few friends and those that she does have are either totally out of it or flip coins to fuck her and yet the only person she seems to care for is the guy with the drug problem.  She seems to not want to love nor be in anyway bashful about her body.  There was little or no sexual tension as she was so cold.  Just my thoughts anyway.

Watching dirty old men lick a girls face when she is out cold does nothing for me or my wife.
The only titillating bit (for me anyway) is at the 18 second mark.

So anyway after the movie we went to a bar and had a wine.  Came home and went to bed.  She tried but did not get turned on.  I tried and succeeded not to get angry or pushy and not pressurise her into sex.  I think I am learning.  Albeit slowly.

Sat AM rewarded with sex.  She was trying to get turned on but it was not happening.  She asked me to put some lube on and come in from on top.  I did this gently and that in its self was a real turn on for me.  Then she indicated to roll over.  Her taking the initiative is a turn on for me and her on top is a good way I know for her to get turned on.  She said today I want us to come together.  Well who am I to argue.  Actually seriously even though I want to her to play with tease and deny.  I do not not want sex and I do want to do as she asks.
So we did and it was great.  Really great.

FF to Sat night.
Tried to get her interested in sex.  She was tired and basically fell asleep.  I lost it again and grumped at her.  Then even as I am doing it I am annoyed with myself.  I am still as I write this disappointed in myself.
I deserve a whipping.  Who knows.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Whipped again

I so could not sleep last night.
Maybe too much coffee during the day (I only had 2 cups though)
Maybe no wine at dinner
Maybe no sex for a few days.
I was worried my tossing and turning would keep her awake.
In the morning I was so turned on but no chance of sex.

I asked her to whip me again to help me focus.
and she did.
So nice.
Helped me focus and made doing helpful tasks so much easier.

We had a chat recently, actually it is nice to talk and we have had more talks recently than we did for many years.  Anyway I asked if she noted that I seemed to be in a cycle and that I would have sex (which I really enjoyed) but then usually a day or so later I would become moody and sometimes say sharp words and then say sorry and ask to be whipped and then be refocussed and generally happier.

She said "yes she had noticed"
I then said "Maybe then the best thing would be to keep me chaste"
She said "That maybe the best thing"
So on the one hand I do want to be happy and helpful
But I also want to have sex.
But unless I can show her that Ican have sex and not "loose it"
I suspect the phrase "be carful what you wish for" may result in long periods of abstinance.

I also asked if she would whip me once a week.
I did not use the term "maintenance spanking" because I doubt if she knows the term and I was not sure how she would react to me knowing the term.
She said that it seems she has to whip me pretty much weekly anyway.
We then discussed that it was not a punishment and would be independant of punishment.  More of a regular scheduled thing same night each week.

So I am hopeful that she will implement that and also hopeful that she would be willing to punish closer to the time that I misbehave.