Saturday, October 29, 2011
I want to abstain from orgasm.
I want to be whipped by her on a weekly basis.
Maybe it is a challenge. Guys like challenges.
maybe if there was no possibility of me having orgasm, I would not get frustrated and anoyed when she was not interested.
My dream was that I be held off past the grumpy stage that I seem to get into about two weeks after sex. So a minimum of 4 weeks abstinance. And then only have sex where I orgsm if I have learned to control myself.
I would love it if she was on top and enjoying herself and orgasming and i was not allowed to orgasm.
It would give me a physically give me a way to implment self control and fee a degree of success.
Whereas at the moment, I not feel frustrated by the lack of enjoyable sex and the lack of firting by my wife, I also feel a lack of success in being able to self control myself either physically or in the words I speak.
I see this as a way to achieve self control in general.
Extended abstinance woud be frustrating physically but would lead to a feeling of "I can achieve something"
Plus if I only received sex after that if I said and did things to make her feel like having sex then that would help me get my thought and speach under control.
And being whipped. I think the desire is is the reward I feel through physical touch. It is painful. It is totally focussing. But unfortunately, she sees it as abuse and finds it hard to do and so does not really lay into me. Yes it is painful but I would like her to whip me as hard as she possibly could. It's a head spacething. I would be happy for it to be either a weekly thing to remind me along with the physical pressure of abstinance but it would also remind me that she too is putting effort into the relationship or it could be as punishment when I loose it. But I cant be both. ie if it were to be a scheduled thing - say every Sunday night then it cant be punishment. Different head space.
Monday, October 3, 2011
She thinks this is due to tension caused by abstinance.
She is probably right.
On Saturday night, I asked her to punish me.
She did whip me but it was a somewhat ordinary whipping
On Sunday morning we had sex and I came.
It was kind of a let down because
a) I had lost control of myself (Saturday)
b) I did not succeed in turning her on.
c) She did not cum
d) She did not hold me to abstain
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Know if I wake her or annoy her or pester her then it is likely to all be off.
On the plus side, I had said in the discussion that when I loose it she should punish me by whipping me and then she moved on to say that she needed a way to tell me to cool it when we are in public and I start to get angry or grumpy. She said "I can't just start whipping you in public or even say out loud that you are going to get it when we get home" So we are looking for a word or phrase for her to use to call me up and get me to behave appropriatly.
Friday, September 30, 2011
I came home from work, picked her up and we went to a local restaurant.
She looked at the menu and chose a meal and a wine and then just sat there. Without saying anything more. The message was clear though. This was one of those restaurants where one has to order and pay at the counter and then the meals are brought to your table. I got up and went and placed our order.
She knew I wanted sex and we had had sex twice last weekend and she had orgasmed both times and both times it was with her on top at that point.
She asked me to be on top 'to start with' and I asked if she would like me to use some lube and she said 'no'. I was not sure what to make of that so I tried to be very gentle as I pushed in. She I think finds this part hard and painful a bit anyway as she screws up or tenses her face. Anyway after I was in I asked if she would like to rollover so I was on the bottom and she was somewhat noncomittal so I just rolled us over. Now she was on top.
She began to move and I decided I would try to hold off cumming the first time so I would remain hard if she wanted to cum a second time. She was more animated than she had been for a while and it required a lot ofrestraint on my part but she came and then relaxed on top of me and I found that very rewarding.
After a while I said to her "what do you reckon about me abstaining for a while"
she said "what would that achieve"
I said "i'ts a challenge, learning self control, focussing on you, not getting into a cycle of expecting sex and then getting grumpy when it does not happen".
We discussed this a bit longer and then she said "Starting when? Right now?"
And I said "gotta start sometime".
She said "OK" and lifted herself off me.
We lay there in bed with arms around each other.
Then she said "Go and get me some aloe vera from the pot plant on the verandah"
so I did.
She anounced she was going to read in bed. This is something that usually really annoys me.
After a while I asked if she had thought about how long she would have me abstain for.
She said "we will see how you are going in two weeks then we may do it and then try for three or at the two week point we may just extend it to three"
I was so turned on.
The fact that she engaged in the conversation, the tease of not knowing whether 2 or 3 weeks.
I then asked her to whip me if I become grumpy or pushy or especially if I am anoying in bed and grope her or anything like that.
So now I am feeling great. Turned on of course. But quite clear headded.
Lets see how we go.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
On the one hand, it seems to me that my wife puts no effort into sex. She puts a lot of effort into her various interests and projects. Just seems that I am not one of those.
That then means that for me, eventually, attempting to be submissive and to focus on her, just runs out of steam.
If I get no feedback from her, no reward, no acknowledgement then it is kind of what's the point.
Now I in no way believe that men 'need sex'. Yes there is physical pressure and that drives a desire for release. I am willing to sacrifice that release for her or for our relationship. If she does not need or want sex then that is OK. But I guess I need intimacy. I need some kind of feedback. That could come from being told 'do this' or 'do that'. Or if she does not want to boss me around as another child but wants me to be proactive then some thanks when I do things would be nice. But as far as I can see I get no response from her. If I do something then I have done it - ok but she says nothing. If I don't do it then she does it and generally still says nothing although too much of this results in a 'you never do anything type of statement'
So I don't know and right now we just seem to exist in parallel universes that come together in the same house but thats about it.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
It mentions many things
Long term chastity, Masculine feelings,
feeling more 'feminine' possibly even a desire to cross dress.
It has stimulated my thinking
I really enjoy it when my wife reaches orgasm. It actually makes me feel like I have contributed to the relationship. It is especially nice when this happens without me reaching orgasm. I enjoy the feeling that she has had pleasure and I get pleasure from focussing on her.
This is not to say I never want sex or never want to reach orgasm - I do. But I also get enjoyment from not being distracted by me reaching orgasm.
But it is a head space thing. I would imagine I would feel very left out if she were to have tried to force this on me.
'Your such a girl', 'Good Girl'
There was a time when that was seen as a derogatory term. Then we had a phase in which that was a politically incorrect statement. I wonder if one day soon it will be seen as words of praise.
In Subservient husband's blog he mentions a desire to dress more prettilly and one of the commenters also said that her husband would like to do this too.
As I think about it I think the following
How do men dress to impress? They really have fewer options.
Women can wear anything that men wear but men can not really wear dresses.
Having said that I went to a pub with my wife and some friends and some scottish bag pipers performed wearing kilts and it was a real powerful experience of masculinity. They appeared powerful yet were wearing skirts. Interesting thoughts. The women in our group were certainly aroused.
It is kind of nice to be able to focus my male one track mind.
Obviously I can not totally neglect the other 4 languages but for now I will enjoy having something to focus on.
I guess there are general acts of service
and personal acts of service
Massage - Big advantage of this one is that it is service to her and "physical touch" for me and is not 'invasive physical touch' ie groping which is her big turn off.
Foot massage - I know that others write about spending hours massaging their partners feet,
I suspect that she sees letting me have sex or not have sex is seen by her as an act of service to me. That is tease and denial does nothing for her but she does it because she knows I like it. Interesting to consider it from that point of view.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Young girl learning to assert herself.
Boy is conflicted because he knows that eventually he will sucum to her pressure and marry her because she says so.
I guess the earlier one learns the better.
Finally decided that her primary love language is "acts of service".
Sort of a process of elimination.
She certainly is not a "physical touch" person,
I dismissed "quality time" - couple of examples, If we went an saw a movie then she was not into discussing the moral implications, or possible twists in the plot. Another example - she came and sat as I watched TV last night. Now sitting with someone watching TV is not quality time. Especially when you do not enjoy the show. So I decided that she was approaching it as an "act of service" to me.
That left "receiving gifts" & "Words of encouragement". It could have been either of these but in the end it seemed that she was a real doer for others.
So now my challenge is to do acts of service for her and see if she sees that as a expression of my love.
One of the difficulties is that whilest she does lots of "acts of service" for others, she does not let others serve her. She is quite inderpendant. In fact I think that she will sometimes feel that when someone does something for her that it is disempowering her. Possibly because she could have done it better or faster herself.
By that for eample, I mean, I find our house to be a cluttered mess yet whenever I try to clean it up, she goes through the trash to make sure I did not thow anything away that she feels could be better used.
So there you go.
When she whips me she is doing it as a service to me.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
We have some friends over. Earlier today my wife said she "was just going to wear jeans even though she knows I would prefer to wear a skirt" She has every right to dress how she likes but I just felt irrelevant. Get over it!.
I was also a bit anoyed that there were several things that she sort of half organised and I was left to make them work.
There grumbled here and not at her.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
This does not inspire her nore do anything for me.
Did not sleep well.
Realised as the garbage truck drove up the street that I had forgotton to put the bins out.
Got up put bins out on the other side of the road which had not been done yet.
Went back inside and crawled into bed.
Wife now awake.
I lay in bed pondering.
I was feeling a bit depressed I guess.
I thought she should whip me for the way I had spoken to her last night and also for me not being proactive and helping but I really did not feel like it.
Its kind of interesting to consider punishmnet. Especially physical punishment. People see it as either abuse or cathardic (I guess).
I figured though that I can't just get whipped when I feel like it.
So I eventually resolved to ask her.
Said "you really should whip me for being so rude last night".
So she did.
Turned on the bed side light.
Opened the bottom draw and took out the electrical flex.
I did not count them but they were good and painful.
I feel better now.
Like she is in control a bit anyway.
Punished for behaving wrong.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
1 Words of affirmation
2 Quality Time
3 Receiving Gifts
4 Acts of service
5 Physical Touch
I am looking for ideas. I would like to specifically do one of each of these each day for her. So far I have done a few things - Bought her flowers, chocolate, made sure I listen if she wishes to talk, done washing and hung it out and brought it in, hugged her.
If you have suggestions, please leave a comment.
This is a "letter" that I wrote to her. I won't send it to her. It's just my cathardic self exercise to try to get the negative thoughts out of my system.
Here we go......
Last night I asked "Am I pushing the right love language buttons"
I received a non comittal answer.
I continued to enquire if you had read the "5 love languages book" and I received a sort of vague answer that you may have read some of it.
I asked if you were going to read it and I received another answer that left me wondering. You said that you were busy right now and did not have time to read it but that you "might read it in the holidays" [note1 below]
So I am perplexed. Not understanding.
I thought WE had a problem. A problem in OUR mariage.
So I had been taking steps to try to address my perception of the problem.
Last year I went on the Landmark course.
Later I tried a totally different approach to our relationship - Attempting to hand you the control that I perceive you wanted.
I got the impression that you wanted me to read the "5 love languages". I thought that you had read it and saw value in it and wanted me to benefit and to heal our relationship. So in my new found enthusiasm to try to recover our mariage, I started and have almost finished it.
So now I am left wondering.
I know last night that you said that you are hesitant because you do not know when I will have my next mood swing.
So I perceive that you perceive that I have a problem.
I also perceive that you think I have another problem and that is that I criticise you. This in its self leaves me with a problem and that is that if I express my feelings then it is taken as criticism of you and is turned around back on me at some time in the future. [which is why I will not be showing this 'letter' to her]
I perceive that negative criticism by me is taken to your heart and that it stays lodged there. Recently you reminded me that I used to say "get up get up you lazy cow". Now when did I say that? In the first year of marriage. 16 years ago. I am not sure when but it was a long long time ago. And you expressed to me way back then that you found it hurtful and so I stopped using that phrase. Yet now, many years later, it is brought up. I assume because it still hurts you. I am sorry. So sorry. I can not undo what I did or said in the past but somehow I ask you to try to move on too.
Forgiveness comes to mind. I suspect that until you can forgive me, that you will continue to be burdened by my past and your past - our past.
I wonder if you like the current state of play. Our relationship in a perminant state of discontent. Some sort of cumfort through your misery. Perhaps you are scared to be "in love" with me again. Perhaps having me mentally / relationship frustrated helps you maintain control. Even though you do not overtly wish to control.
I have to confess that I do not think you trust me.
You left me "in charge" and that was fine while you were engrossed in your conference. It seems to me that as you started the long drive home, your thoughts turned to home and
a) You offerred to make dinner. But then you were so late and I was left to expend even more effort to organise our eldest to prepare dinner via telephone instructions all at the last minute.
b) you got involved in organising transport for #2 sons soccer training. But did not organise it to completion. You handed me a half organised problem for me to solve yet had you trusted me and just left it to me then it would have been taken care of. I could have understood you contacting me to ask had I remembered to organise the transport but that was not the way you chose to play it.
So there we go. Where to from here. How to recover trust, find forgiveness, rekindle love & lust and have a fun life together.
[note1]"might read it in the holidays"
How should I interpret this?
You have been going to clean up your study "In the holidays" for the last half a dozen holidays.
"No time now"? I have seen you read Harry Potter and other novels. You find time for the things that are important.
I suspect that you are fearful that reading the 5 love languages will eventually result in you facing a difficult set of decisions for you. The call to self to take steps, conscious steps within our marriage to heal our relationship. Steps toward loving me. At the moment I think you love me as a person but you are not "in love" with me and I think you fear being "in love" with me.
And that dear kinky bloggers is what I would like to tell my wife but dare not because it will just deepen her conviction that I am negatively judgemental and that everything I say to her.
That feels better. Off my chest. On with the day.
What should I do for her today...
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I have not had sexual release since before she went away almost a week ago.
Recently I have been kept a week or two chaste and it has almost been a non event. A couple of times I blogged each day with how I felt and gave up because it was too easy and I was not really feeling anything.
Today I am feeling sort of aprehensive for want of a better word. There is a strange feeling of tension? between my shoulder blades and chest like a person is pushing in slightly with their fingers. Weird. I shrug my shoulders and get on with it. I remember feeling it before when I was abstaining.
In recent times, when I abstained, I did not get this feeling. Perhaps it is because this time, she is not present. In the last few periods of abstinance, she has stroked my penis and teased me a little and that made it much easier to actually abstain. The acknowledgemet that I was facing a small physical challenge I think.
Naturally at night I wake up with a hard on and have to resist the temptation to rub myself.
I find myself thinking of her constantly. In my submissive frame of mind, I am thinking what can I do for her. What will make her feel happy when she returns.
I also selfishly think of what I would love her to do to me when she returns.
The list includes:-
Thanking me for cleaning the house and looking after the kids. (selfish of me to want a thankyou)
Playing a tease and denial game.
Sex. - Yes I like to abstain but I do like sex too. very much.
Her stating that I would have continued abstinance.
Spanking me or whipping me - Makes me feel submissive and reinforces her authority. I do not think I will be asking to be punished because I do not feel I have done anything wrong but I would love her to either give me a 'maintenance spanking' or if I have disapointed her then for her to explain that and then punish me.
Feel free to make suggestions.
What would be nice would be suggestions as to nice text messages I could send her.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am glad that she feels free to be away and that makes me feel good.
subservient-husband has an inspirational posting about how doing household chores turns him on.
I have from time to time gotten into that head space and loved it but right now, it just seems like a chore.
Like him, I earn 50% more than my wife and also I really enjoy my work and I very much doubt if my wife would wish me to give up work. Also she likes doing some things. She actually likes cooking although she does appreciate it when I cook. She also insists on doing the grocery shopping. On many occasions over the years I have offerred to do the grocery shopping. Even pre submission days, it seemed to be one way I could contribute. But to no avail. Ironing is an interesting one. I do not think either of us like ironing. When we were married (even when I was trying to get her to submit to me - naughty me!) I said to her that "I did not do ironing" but I would not force her to either. I said that I work all day and I bring in money. I am happy to pay someone to iron. Not sure what I should do here. Mind you if she asks or tells me to iron then I would jump at it.
On the other hand, she is not into tidying up. She likes a tidy house but is too much of a hoarder so there is too much junk around our house so I am spending time putting a lot of stuff in the attic and taking it to the tip. Mind you, I do not want to be seen as being "sneaky" or "passive agressive" so anything that is hers or that she may wish to keep is not being thrown out.
We had a lovely phone call from her last night and she spoke to me and to each child in turn.
Last night I had all the kids making their school lunches ready for today and I enjoyed that too.
Also with her away, I was a bit naughty. I did not masturbate as I have asked her to control my orgasms but I have a bit of a fetish for wearing diapers and plastic pants so I indulged that. She knows I wear them to things like concerts or to work on days when I have potentially long meetings because I go from OK to desparate to pee in about 30 seconds and that is just distracting or anoying. But at home, she does not like to touch the plastic pants nor feel the diapers. So last night, I peed in the toilet, then I put on a diaper and plastic pants and my pyjamas. Tucked my penis pointing backwards to prevent any possibility of an erection. Went to bed. In the middle of the night when I would normally get out of bed for the 2am pee, I just relaxed and wet and went back to sleep. Disgusting arn't I.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
my wife is away for a few days at a conference.
I am looking after the kids. today though the kids are visiting her parents. its great that we all get on well.
I feel good that I can support her by looking after the kids.
in other things / feelings:
there is still some bruising on the back of my legs from my last whipping. last Tuesday night ? it was pretty intense and I deserved it for getting grumpy and speaking harshly to her. I think she is becoming more comfortable with the idea of punishing me. not to lord it over me but because I have asked for her help in me learning more self control.
mentally I continue to have what I call submissive desires. on Friday I suggested sex and sh was quite direct with saying that she did not want sex and that surely I could wait until atleast she gets back from her conference in a weeks time.
I also wonder whether she is gaining confidence with discipline of the kids. we have always spanked our kids normally she would get me to spank or when they reached 10, strap them and often, even though we would discuss the punishment, after it was complete, she would by crying along with the kid who had deceived it.
Anyway, when I decided to submit to her, we had several discussions about her punishing me and she was not enthused by the idea. I asked her to whip me using a piece of electrical chord and told her that one of the reasons I chose it was it was not a implement that I would ever even consider using on the kids. I wanted to ensure that my fetish (for want of an alternate description) was never in any way associated with my child rearing. in fact since submitting to her, I had not instigated punishing the kids at all. I would only do it if she asked me to and as in the past she was always present when I physically punished the kids.
anyway, interestingly, on Friday when I got home from work she told me that son2 would not be going for a sleepover at his friends house because of bad behaviour and that she had warned him and then delivered 4 strokes of the belt and then another two and then an hour later when the rude behaviour continued she had withdrawn the sleepover priviledge.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I have changed my mind. I think my primary love language is Physical.
I enjoy it when you touch me.
In bed I enjoy the physical touching and cuddling up. (Even if it is not a precusor to sex).
I enjoy it when you touch me,
I enjoy it when you touch my penis.
I enjoy it when you deny me sexual relief - its physical and you are involved.
I enjoy it when you whip me. - Its physical I guess.
There is another thing. A sixth love language?. I will call it "Compliance".
as in "you show you love me by complying with my demands"
After we got married I tried to get you to do physical things. I think because someone doing those physical things to me would mean that they loved me.
So I would
Touch (grope) you between your legs.
Sticking my tongue in your mouth.
Run my hands all over your body.
Wrap you in cling wrap with some baby oil to make it slippery against your skin.
whatever. It was intensly physical and to me the more intense the more the communication of love.
Paired with this was compliance.
Perhaps the idea starts with the idea that a child who loves their parents complies with their parents.
But with an adult, compliance is a conscious decision and I think that I saw love as being communicated through compliance.
So I saw you demonstrating love to me through compliance to my requests.
So I would find a piece of you and touch you and you would resist and I would keep touching you there because on the one hand, to me, physical touch was love. I was showing my love by touching and you were showing your love by complying.
Short skirts - clothes are a physical thing. Seeing you in a short skirt made you look good, physical, sexual, lovely - read full of love.
Complying with my requirement to wear a short skirt especially when circumstances made it difficult reinforced the communication of that love.
Hope this makes sense.
The converse was also therefore true.
The more you rejected the physical contact - the less you loved me (in my eyes)
The more you did not comply - the less you loved me.
So now we are in a situation where you know all about what turns me on. What demonstrates love.
So I realise that in being overtly submissive to you that I was [clumisly] looking for a way, still based on me, but knowing that you did not like physical touch, to show love to you. An interesting side effect was that to be compliant requires something to comply to and so I would keep asking you to be bossy / make demands of me because I wanted to show my love through being compliant to your request.
To my readers here - This is the guts of a message to my wife augmented a bit here so the first and second person text is kind of mixed up buyt I was too lazy to rewrite it all in the tense. Sorry.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The basic tennant of the book is that we have an "in love" experience that lasts for about two years during which we often get married. Then we come down off that high and things get pretty ordinary. To stay "in love", we need to find out what speaks to our partner. What tells them we love them. Apparantly during the "in love" phase, we often do this action subconsciously and that was why the partner became attraced to us but later we stop doing it and so they feel unloved.
The 5 love languages are
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Now my primary love language is actually "Quality Time". Surprising as initially I would have thought it was physical touch - Sex, whipping and so forth - all physical. Yet after reading most of the book, I think it is "quality time". By that I mean that I feel most loved when she spends time with me. Making an effort. Having sex is fun but having time together as happens with tease and denial for example is more fun. Even though whipping is intense, I think the real closeness comes from the fact that she is spending time (& effort) with me.
Now the challenge to me is to work out her primary love language. (& it ain't physical that's for sure)
Now all is not so good there as she said to me:-
"18 years of marriage and you don't know me. My friends know me better than you do"
So clearly I am not communicating her primary love language to her.
So today I am going to do at least one of each ofthese 5 love language things for her. BTW, feel free to write suggestions because I am pretty hopeless at these things.
I got home from work and we were to go and visit a friend. My wife had said she would ring and organise the exact time and details. My wife was not home when it came to to the time I thought we should leaave.
My friend called me to ask where we were.
I tried calling my wife but no answer.
When she fially got home she said she had forgotten to call and she was not worried about being late. I felt bad / ignored / forgotton / disrested not sure exactly which but anoyed for sure.
I got anoyed and spoke harshly and judjementally to my wife.
So anoyed with myself. Hardly submissive.
Requested and received a whipping.
The hardest yet.
Some dark bruises on the top back of my right leg.
I deserve it.
I appreciate it.
I wish to be better.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I wonder what the difference between a submissive husband and simply a helpful husband is.
Perhaps that is the benefit for her.
They say 'women give sex to get love, men give love to get sex'
Am I giving - being helpful to her to get love and or sex?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I think for her sex is something that happens and she enjoys it when the planets line up providing she is not busy. Sex is just not even at the back of her mind.
I can suggest teasing me but she just does not get it and does not think of it.
OK and all you who say its topping from the bottom, well if it then so be it. To me both parties need to get something. Win - win. So far it seems I am looking for ways to satisfy both of us and she is satisfied with nothing. By that I do not mean that she is never satisfied. Rather the opposite. She is satisfied by nothing / by everything. Certainly satisfied by non sexual stuff.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
So I figured on a couple of things. I would invite her to a movie and dinner Friday evening and then do some gardening on Saturday as she like gardening and the kids enjoy being in the yard too.
I also thought I would take her to a movie that was a little different and possibly titilate her.
I had seen a review for "Sleeping Beauty" on TV. Reviewed by David & Margaret. They are older and reasonably conservative and so it looked like a sort of middle class soft porn. Like moulon rouge or eyes wide shut. Now I recall seeing eyes wide shut and my wife had gotten titillated by that especially two girls who are kissing in one scene. And also on one occasion when us and several other couples from our group of friends had had a night on the town. Trying to recapture our youth I guess. :). She and one of the other wives had kissed each other. They were all over each other tongues in each other mouths and touching shoulders and breasts. (Too much to drink I guess). Anyway I figured take a risk.
In hindsight. Should have bit-torrented it and watched it first.
B O R I N G.
Have a movie review
The only really titillating bit and interestingly we both agreed on that was the scene where the girl is standing in bra and panties and being inspected.
There was a potentially titilating scene where all these topless girls are waiting on old men. But no sexual tension because they were too old to do anything and she was too cold to feel anything if that makes sense.
Then there is a strange turn, hence the name of the story, where she is paid to be drugged to send her to sleep and then old men paw her and drool over her and of course she does not know what happens and that makes it mildly interesting.
So its a slow character study but her character has not much dialogue. Seems to have few friends and those that she does have are either totally out of it or flip coins to fuck her and yet the only person she seems to care for is the guy with the drug problem. She seems to not want to love nor be in anyway bashful about her body. There was little or no sexual tension as she was so cold. Just my thoughts anyway.
Watching dirty old men lick a girls face when she is out cold does nothing for me or my wife.
The only titillating bit (for me anyway) is at the 18 second mark.
So anyway after the movie we went to a bar and had a wine. Came home and went to bed. She tried but did not get turned on. I tried and succeeded not to get angry or pushy and not pressurise her into sex. I think I am learning. Albeit slowly.
Sat AM rewarded with sex. She was trying to get turned on but it was not happening. She asked me to put some lube on and come in from on top. I did this gently and that in its self was a real turn on for me. Then she indicated to roll over. Her taking the initiative is a turn on for me and her on top is a good way I know for her to get turned on. She said today I want us to come together. Well who am I to argue. Actually seriously even though I want to her to play with tease and deny. I do not not want sex and I do want to do as she asks.
So we did and it was great. Really great.
FF to Sat night.
Tried to get her interested in sex. She was tired and basically fell asleep. I lost it again and grumped at her. Then even as I am doing it I am annoyed with myself. I am still as I write this disappointed in myself.
I deserve a whipping. Who knows.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Maybe too much coffee during the day (I only had 2 cups though)
Maybe no wine at dinner
Maybe no sex for a few days.
I was worried my tossing and turning would keep her awake.
In the morning I was so turned on but no chance of sex.
I asked her to whip me again to help me focus.
and she did.
Helped me focus and made doing helpful tasks so much easier.
We had a chat recently, actually it is nice to talk and we have had more talks recently than we did for many years. Anyway I asked if she noted that I seemed to be in a cycle and that I would have sex (which I really enjoyed) but then usually a day or so later I would become moody and sometimes say sharp words and then say sorry and ask to be whipped and then be refocussed and generally happier.
She said "yes she had noticed"
I then said "Maybe then the best thing would be to keep me chaste"
She said "That maybe the best thing"
So on the one hand I do want to be happy and helpful
But I also want to have sex.
But unless I can show her that Ican have sex and not "loose it"
I suspect the phrase "be carful what you wish for" may result in long periods of abstinance.
I also asked if she would whip me once a week.
I did not use the term "maintenance spanking" because I doubt if she knows the term and I was not sure how she would react to me knowing the term.
She said that it seems she has to whip me pretty much weekly anyway.
We then discussed that it was not a punishment and would be independant of punishment. More of a regular scheduled thing same night each week.
So I am hopeful that she will implement that and also hopeful that she would be willing to punish closer to the time that I misbehave.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Last few days I have not helped as I should or even as I would like to do. (Not washed up, cleaned up supported etc).
Last night my wife came to me and showed me a puple sock. Now even I know that said sock used to be white. It would appear that the load of washing I did the other day was done by me throwing all the dirty washing in and not checking that there was a wet purple shirt in there from a previous load. It had been washed by her on its own because it runs.
Now at the very least I should have listened. Putting all kinky submissive stuff aside. I should have listened. Adding my desire to be submissive in then I should have listened.
But I didn't.
Then she went away.
Then I felt down again.
This morning I said to her that I wished she would whip me for not listening last night and for not helping. I did a little confession listing off things.
She said "get the whip".
So I got it out and gave it to her. I lay on the bed and she sat beside me and whipped me. Then she said turn around face the bottom of the bed. In a way that was the best part because she was being direct and unabiguous. She whipped me some more (now on the other side so to speak). At one stage she said "stop wiggling". Nice to hear her again being direct.
I just felt clearer after it.
I felt more energised.
I went in to the kitchen and helped get the kids ready and did the washing up.
She needed to be at a meeting so I suggested to her that she go and I will stay and get the kids organised and be a little late for work.
So to me the whipping focussed me and made me better and I hope she found that to be the case.
It is funny sitting here at work with a bit of a tingle in my backside and although the wipping was not as hard as I am sure many of you have experienced, there are still raised welts on my backside that I can feel when I run my hand across my buttocks and feel when I sit.
So here is to me trying to be good.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I take it that her perspective is that submissive equates to childish.
Now I would say that there are elements of truth in that I do not want to make decisions on things. I just want her to tell me do X or do Y. But once told, I will do. Unlike a child who would winge, put off etc.
I suspect that some would say that being submissive means that I should preempt her desires and thoughts and 'do' whatever even before being asked.
For example, doing the washing. One school of thought I believe is that I should just do it and the other school of thought is that if she asks, then do it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Perhaps it was because we had sex that I do not feel so .....
I mentioned to my wife this morning as we were waking that it has been a while since she whipped me. I said it makes me feel good and reinforces my feelings toward her being in charge. Left it at that.
I guess I also recall the phrase "Be careful what you ask for... It may become reality".
I wonder how I would handle it if she did become overtly in control, bossy and using cororal punishment on me. I mean severe such that it was not just a turn on but something to be feared. Would I still enjoy it or would I be a battered spouse? How would she feel? Would she do it knowingly or sort of drift into it?
I also realise as I write this that I have not been as motivated to be helpful as I am when I have been denied sex. Last night I just crashed on the couch and slept and I mean slept. Woke myself from snoring. I should have been doing washing up and reading with the kids. But I was tired and lazy and there was no real consequence awaiting me. I imagine or I wonder what I would have been like if I knew that if I did not fulfil certain tasks that I would have been severely whipped? Would I have struggled on half asleep or would I have been motivated to be wide awake and enjoying serving?
Monday, June 27, 2011
It was fun from a mental point of view as I lay there. She was on top - symbolic.
She had told me what to do - a turn on.
She was getting turned on herself - great feeling for me there too.
She came and then asked if I had cum and I said 'no because she had not told me to cum'.
She then said that if she was cumming that I should cum and that she likes us to cum together.
We lay there side by side on our backs holding hands. A bit later she said roll over and she got on my back and repeated the earlier effort and I came too. Oooh great.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Starting with boys when they are young to get them used to the idea that they are being watched and to emphasise the difference between boys and girls.
All me would wear them so if a woman was attacked then the police would look at what GPS units were at that location at the time of the attack.
At a personal level, I was thinking tat if I wore one voluntairily and showed my wife how to find my location then at all times it would make me careful about where I went because I would know she would know.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Last week my wife had me have sex with her.
At the time, I got grupy. She did not want sex nor did she get turned on.
on reflection, what I wanted was for her to be in charge yet by not accepting her decision, her gift to me I did two things.
a) did not enjoy a no strings attached Fu***k
b) gave her another reason not to believe that I wish to submit to her.
So last night I said sorry to her.
Friday, June 24, 2011
On Monday night she had sex with me. Just lay there while I Fu*'d her. At her invitation. Basically she did not want sex and figured I needed release. I felt it was lazy on her part. Made me feel weak because I had not been able to excite her or stimulate her.
Then the next few days I just felt low.
Yesterday we had a dicussion that was not going well,
Then lay together and eventually had sex.
That was quite fun because she got turned on.
This morning, I was turned on and asked if I could put on a plastic bag and masturbate and she said 'no'.
Oh I love that.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I can but dream.
That web site seems to have been written for women with labido and energy.
I crave being whipped. When it is happening, I would not describe it as enjoyable or titilating. I do not get turned on or get an erection when I am being whipped. yet I crave it. And I want it to be severe. I would love to see bruises that last a week. Pain that is unbearable. But then it is over. Not looking for continuing constant pain. Not looking for emotional pain either. Just physical.
When I do wrong, whatever wrong is...
Losing my temper, losing keys, forgetting to do something, swearing.... the list goes on.
Then I wish my wife would whip me.
Now its not a case of abuse. She is not beating me into submission. I voluntarilly want this.
Why I wonder as I engage in yet more self evaluation.
I lead people at work.
I can organise, I am a professional.
Yet at home I seek to submit to my wife.
and I seek physical punishment.
I typed into google "why do I want to be spanked"
and almost all the hits involved men spanking women
yet when I go looking for blogs, they are almost all women leading and sometimes spanking men.
So that leaves me with some options to contemplate
a) I could try and lead. Done that. 10 years of competing with her.
b) I can just go with the flow. Not argue, be passive, do if asked. - Sounds pathetic.
c) I can actively seek out ways to do things for her and support her - Which is what I will do.
I guess though I have to get used to the idea of her leading without apearing to lead or something.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I want to submit to my wife.
For some reason, the women just are not interested.
It seems to me that they are
not interested in sex,
not interested in men submitting,
not interested in being in control,
at the same time, they are in control.
They just don't admit it.
I just don't get it.
Maybe that is the way women want it?
Monday, June 20, 2011
What should it say I wonder.
Like maybe I should say the old traditional vows that a wife would once have said
"I will love, honour and obey ..."
I wonder if others have done this and what they have said.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
I forgot the bread.
Now this is not a big deal. But it did anoy me that I had forgotton to do something she asked me to do. I want to be focussed on her and to be thinking of her. Actually one of the things about no sex is that I think more and more about her.
I got home and realised the bread was forgotton and she said "that's OK, the kids can have tuckshop today".
Later my wife and I were driving together and I told her that I was disapointed in myself for forgetting the bread. We discussed how it was no big deal and I said that it was not that it was bread that was forgotton that was the disapointment for me. It was that I had forgotton to do something that she had asked me to do. I said I would like her to whip me tonight. She said "OK"
She is still not comfortable with the concept of punishing me but she does understand that I wish to "better myself" and that having a coach or mentor or advisor person can help with personal development. She does I think sort of understand that having a 'cost' as well as a 'reward' is a good thing. Carrott and stick. In my case literally physical pain is a good stick.
Time passed and after the kids were in bed and she was getting ready for her long weekend away with the girls and I was dog tired but I asked what I could do to help. The bed had a huge pile of clothes spread on it ready to be packed and there were half sorted things in the kitched and so on. She got me onto one task and I complted it and then she asked me to do another.
I mentioned would she punish me for forgetting and she just said mater o factly yes we had better do that. I was not wishing to distract her and was wishing to do everything I could to help her so I had been holding off aking her. I also figured it would wake me up and make helping easier. I said to make it quick how about 6 or 10 really hard stroked rather than taking too much time out of your getting ready.
So I put on some boxers and lay on the bed. She took the chord and whipped me pretty hard about 6 times (i loose count) then went round the other side of the bed as she does and did another 6 - 10. Ther were harder but I really wish she would do it excruisiatingly hard and leave bruises. Sounds weird. But at least she had done it. I felt like that 'foretting episode' was in the past and I was also now wide awake.
Helped her pack. Got into bed. Did not even attempt to initiate anything sexual. She rolled onto her tummy and asked me to massage her. Which I did. I did not attempt to entice her sexualluy becacuse I think she would have just found that anoying as she is focussed on her weekend away and we had agreed that I was not getting release until mid next week at the earliest.
I wonder though as I do, whether she is whipping me as a sort of sexual reward for me that does not involve having sex. By this I mean that for the first 10+ years of marriage, she would never deny me sex. If I asked she would comply even waking her up at 4am for a quickie. Never complained but it became stale. She never reached orgasm and I think basically gave up on sex. Now since I have submitted to her and started to focus on her enjoyment, she has reached orgasm a number of times and often several times in the one night.
At one stage, she went through a phase of feeling like she had to perform for me, but we seem to have gotten over that. Partly because I am getting better at self control. At not snuggling up to her and hinting or asking for sex and then saying only if you want it or don't let me cum till you have. This just pressurises her to reach orgasm but in fact makes it harder for her to reach orgasm. So now I think she knows that if she feels turned on that I am ready and waiting but that I am not pressurising her if that makes sense.
Anyway I think she sees me as a person who gains pleasure through physical touch much more than she and so even though she does not really relate to it, she is willing to whip me because I get that stimulation. Now I don't actually get turned on in the same way but it is something I crave and I also like the feeling of there being reward for being good and punishment for being well not good.
There you go.
Gee I would love feedback and comments but they seem rare even though between 700 and 900 people read this every day. Don't know what I am doing wrong to write in a way that does not entice people to comment.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So for starters, should there be any reward by the dominant of the submissive.
Should the submissive be looking for a reward from the dominant.
Should the submissive be totally and only concerned with looking after the wants and needs of the dominant.
I wonder am I substituting pain (from a whipping) for not getting orgasm from sex?
am I simply doing this to compensate for being ignored by the wife?
Is being whipped just a way to get her attention?
What mistakes do submissive men routinely make?
The typical man approaching me has erotic fantasies that involve a woman doing things to him that turn him on. Too much porn has given him a sense of being entitled to my attention and time, and little understanding of what my power entails. His focus is quite transparently on himself, and when he says he wants to serve me, he means that he will do this or that thing that turns him on. He will typically give that away almost immediately with statements like, "What will you do to me?" or "Do you want to fuck my tight virgin ass?" The answers to those questions are "nothing" and "no," respectively. Pink says it best: I'm not here for your entertainment.
I wish that more men would visit professional Dommes when they begin to explore their submissive fantasies. A good pro-Domme can scratch the itch he's feeling, but also teach him, if he has an aptitude, that scratching his itch isn't the point. A great Domme will teach him what service and submission really mean.
Maybe I need to learn from someone.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Obviously as time goes on, this posting will be further down and those who are interested will have to scroll down to see the update.
Had great sex including release for me.
In the discussion the next day (I think) she said that as we were targeting longer and longer periods of abstinance, that my next release will probably be about a week and a half away.
OK but was quite turned on in bed this morning. Actually a bit of emotional up and down and at one stage felt quite down. Before I had made the decision to be submissive to my wife, I had spent years trying to dominate her and I used to force her to wear short skirts almost all the time. It had ended up in a sort of frustrating stalemate for both of us. She would wear them when I was around but wear jeans when I was not around. So I felt usurped because she would not obey me and she felt embarrassed when she wore them. Not surprisingly. Anyway as I lay in bed this morning I just felt down because in recent times she has rarely worn short skirts and never in what one would call difficult situations. Anyway after I get it off my chest here, that is OK and of course now it is her decision. ahh that feels better.
This morning, before we got out of bed (I was going to say "up" :) ), my wife stroked my penis which got real hard real quick. It is kind of weird that her attention this way actually makes it easier to abstain than if she were not to touch me or show any interest. That would be hard. (as in difficult)
I guess must have been OK. Did not expect nor even think about it.
Bit of a 'ball ache' and starting to get that funny feeling at the front of my shoulders. Kind of a want to shrug my shoulders kind of feeling. Had a hard on this morning but knew there was no chance of sex so did not even rub up against my wife. ACtually no chance over this weekend as she has gone off with some of her girl friends.
Ball ache continues. Wife away for week end so no expectation of sex. Quite alert and OK emotionally
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday afternoon my wife anounces that we are going to a friends house for dinner.
The kids are eating in one room and us adults (is that being presumptious) are in another.
I have had a glass of wine when my wife anounces that I would drive home so she can have a few. OK I said. No argument. Actually enjoyed just being told. :)
We drove home just the two of us. The kids stayed for a sleepover.
Went to bed early but no sex. A fun little distraction though. In the afternoon I had eaten the last of the ice cream from the freezer. There was not much in the container. Maybe 2 spoonfuls. When we got home she saw the empty container on the sink. When we were in bed she said you need a smack for eating ice cream without permission. Now she had not said I couldn't but who is going to argue this early in the relationship when she says that. Roll onto your tummy she said. Then she smacked me a couple of time over the bed clothes. I pushed them back and said you had better do better than that or all you will do is turn me on. She said "I can't do much better, I'm drunk" and smacked me a few more times on my pyjama bottoms and then rolled onto her back and said good night.
Now of course I am frustrated. Been smacked. Turned on and she has fallen asleap. But that is what being submissive is about so I did not pester her. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, no kids, slept in till after 8am. I awoke long before her but figured I would let her sleep and not pester her.
I was rewarded. When she awoke, she rolled onto her front and asked for a shoulder massage so I started to massage her. Serving her like this is great. Puts me in a read submissive mind set. I looked at the clock and noted the time and decided that I would massage until she asked me to stop. Eventually she said now just finish of with a head massage. Which I did. Looked at the clock again. 20 minutes.
We lay there and I said to her "With no kids, we can make more noise than usual, would you consider caning me?"
We had a bit of a discussion about wasn't the whipping with the chord enough and I said the cane might be a different - deeper - feeling.
She said OK go organise a cane and so I went and got a piece of cane from the shed but it was way too long. She said to cut it with the seceters which I did. When I brought it back I thought we would cane me straight away.
She then said we will see but we are going to do me (her) first. She then rolled onto her front and asked me to start to rub the tops of her legs and then told me to move up. We ended up with me kneeling and her legs either side of one of mine with one of my hands and both of hers between her legs. I asked if I "could touch her breasts" and she said "yes" and as she said it, she came.
Then she lay there for a while and then said OK roll over.
I lay there and she went and picked up the cane and hit me a few times from both sides of the bed. Some of the strokes on my bottom and some on the top of the backs of my legs.
It was painful but not bruising. Here is hoping she will become more confident to hit harder.
Then we lay in bed for a while. I asked if I could cum and she said "you came yesterday". I said "true but it is a nice snuggly morning" she said "I thought we were trying to go progressivly longer each time." "Yessss" I said "but it would be nice to do it again before starting a longer period". She said "No I think we have started". I asked how long. She said "Well I have a big weekend next weekend so it won't be 'till after then. Maybe the week after".
Ohh I am turned on tjinking and writing about it.
Then I got up and made her breakfast.
Leter on I realised she had put on a load of washing and that it was finished so I hung it out. Also did the washing up of course.
Later she said "Thanks for hanging out that washing". I said "we aim to please" She said "That was the sexiest thing you did today"
Cripes if hanging out the washing is the sexiest thing then I sure need to hang out more washing.
She is now out shopping with the wife where we had dinner last night and the dads have the kids.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
She hopped on top and began to push herself on. Of course I was very turned on. I offerred to put some lube on but she said "lets see how we go"
Anyway on she got and she was moving and turned on and asked me to put a finger between us on her cliterous and then she came and then relaxed on top of me. A few minutes later she started to move and again it was not long before she came a second time and that gave me great satisfaction.
Then she started to cum again and I could feel it was quite wet down there and she asked if i had come and I said "no you have not given me permission" so I am assuming the juices came from her which is a new thing for us. She moved a lot and asked me to thrust up which was a great turn on and the movement put me in danger of cumming. Then she hopped off and lay on her back and said hop on and cum.
I said "Are you sure" and she said "yes I want you to cum" So both because I do not want to argue with her (Shouldn't have questioned her in the first place) and because I was turned on, I was in like flynn and came really quick and then we both laid there and relaxed for a while.
Then it was up for the day. Shower. I made breakfast. The kids mostly dressed themselves and now its off to Church.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
So I drove home and she was already home.
I went into the bedroom and tied one end of each rope to the castors on the bed.
Then I changed into a pair of boxers and a tee shirt.
I lay face down and she came and tied me spread eagle.
Then there was a pause and then she stated.
It was very painful. The chord was doubled over and about half a metre long.
A few times she paused
A few times I cryed out.
I am glad she paused as it have me a chance to recover.
She would do some from one side of the bed and then go round to the other side and do the same number.
Later she said she 12+12 pause 7+7 pause 5+5 long pause 2+2
We had a sort of discussion afterwards.
I asked her how she was feeling and she said not much.
She did not enjoy it or get turned on.
She did it because I asked her to. She loves me.
We sort of had a discussion about her leading. She said she did not believe in their being just one leader. I take it she means that we should co lead. However I found that for the last 10 years that meant that she got her own way whenever she wanted anyway and that made me angry. By me letting her lead, I am at the very least protecting myself from the negative feelings associated with anger. I wish she would do some self anlasis or something.
Anyway. Back at work now and it is actually more painful now than it was immediatly after the whipping. There are raised welts. She did most on my bottom and some on the tops of the backs of my legs.
I would love some of you who read this to write comments. opinions. thoughts.
It is a love hate relationship I have with myself and I have to confess that now that it is immenent to feeling quite aprehensive. Yes I could pull out and I suspect that my wife would find that a bit of a releaf because I do not think she is yet comfortable with the idea of inflicting pain. Well consciously and physically.
However if I pulled out, I know later I would feel weak and regret it.
I know that while it is happening it will be really really really painful.
So why do I 'crave' this. I have no idea.
Part of me says it is to try and cement her in a leadership capacity.
Perhaps I am compensating for lack of sexual fulfilment from her?
Maybe I am just turned on by pain?
I don't know but now I have to concentrate on work for a few hours.
She asked me to hang out the washing - Which I did.
This morning I made sure that all the washing up was done and the kitchen clean.
I made sure the bed was made and my stuff clean and tidy.
Its 9:10am and I have looked at the clock like 20 times since I got to work. Do I want it to run slow or fast I don't know.
Also comments invited and appreciated.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
has a posting on chastity. He mentioned masturbation in it too.
I have posted in my blog below someplace that I think masturbation is wrong. (Just my opinion)
Several people have posted about how their head space changes with time during periods of abstinance after release..
So abstinance, and chastity are interesting in the effect they have on emotional welbeing.
My plan is to write here on this post how I feel each day. The most recent entry is at the bottom - scroll down.
So I had release on Sunday morning. It was great and I felt really light and relaxed most of sunday but on sunday afternoon I got anoyed and angry although I did supress expressing it to my wife but generally felt OK.
My plan is to write here on this post how I feel each day.
I feel OK.
I am thinking of her. I am not feeling desparate nor angry. Normal.
I feel OK. Normal.
Still feel OK.
I remember on previous occasions when I abstained that at some stage I began to experience a feeling of "would I be able to actually do it when the time comes or will I have lost the capability?" But not yet as it is less than a week.
In fact right now I feel quite free. And in bed last night, I did not try to initiate sex nor ask for it nor even in my mind feel desparate for it. Perhaps it was because I got to massage her. Although this morning, when I lay in bed, she stroked my penis as she knows I like it and she does that and it makes me feel good. As a tease. No guarantee that it will result in release. But far better than any ignoring or emotional denial. Anyway, I asked her to dig her fingernails in. That was intense and new for both of us. So perhaps I am getting fulfilment through pain????
OK although I woke up in the night with a hard on and some sort of sexual dream that I now don't remember.
Got a cold and so does my wife so no chance of sex today.
Still have a cold and so does the wife. She also is very busy with some work that she has brought home.
She offerred sex late sat night. I think a bit of a feeling of obligation on her part but I said "Thanks but do you really want it" and she said "no". I said "I promise not to get grumpy. I will try to sleep off my cold and you can work or sleep as you so desire". So she worked and then came to bed. We hugged but I did not try to pressure her for sex.
Woo hoo. Great sex written about it in its own posting.
I really enjoyed massaging you last night. It was a gift and I understood it made you feel good and it made me feel good to give it to you.
As I was giving you the massage, I reflected that it was not so long ago that I would offer to massage you and you would decline and then the very next day go and pay someone to do a massage for you. This used to make me feel really insignificant and isolated. So maybe you have changed ever so slighty.
After your shower, you went and tinkered with your computer. I had hoped that you would have read my blog but consistent with your self absorbed existance/approach/? you did not even think of reading it. Didn't even think.
After I calmed down a bit, I figured that probably you should not feel the need to read it anyway.
It is a pleasure when you do read it but I guess it shoudl not be the first thing you think of. As the leader, there should be bigger strategic things that need to be considered.
I really appreciate the things you do for me
Making lunches, Washing clothes, making really beautiful meals, Keeping the yard looking nice, Organising a social life with wonderful friends. Sex. Even looking after / trying things that you do not really like like spanking me.
It was interesting to pray last night.
It was hard because I was asking God for something that at the first level seems to contradict what I read in the bible but then God is pretty big and I am sure he understood.
I also realised that I do not think that in the 10 years I tried to get you to be submissive that we ever prayed about it.
Maybe we need more prayer. Both individually, as a couple and as a family.
I was kinda sad that you did not seem to have read the page that I wrote a week or so ago listing ways to tease me or to increase the sexual tension / connection. I would of course love to hear from you what I do that makes you feel good
I thought it was rude when you fall asleap on me. I fully believe that it is your right to do so. It would be so much better if you simply said "I am feeling sleepy. I am going to sleep now so please stop talking" rather than feining interest and drifting off.
Are my expectations reasonable - Feedback requested please
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
This is actually the second time in two days and the third time in about a week that I have given her a massage.
It is amazing that since I started to be overtly submissive and helpful and look after her that she has actually let me in in this way. If I go back even a few months, I was feeling really jealous / anoyed because I would offer to massage her and she would decline but then she would go and pay someone $60 for a massage. I would feel very useless when that happened.
So tonight we get home from playing social sport and she notices a last pot that has not been washed up and starts washing it. (Yes I know I should have done that). So I go up behind her and stroke her gently on the back. She says "remember that massage you gave me last night"
I say "yes"
She says "Can I do it again"
So I start rubbing her shoulders and kneck etc.
When she finishes cleaning the pot, she leads me into the bedroom where she sits on a pillow on the floor beside the bed. I sit on the bed with my legs either side of her and continue to massage for about half an hour. I felt so good and she made very encouraging comments a few times.
Thursday lunch time would be nice.
The thoughts now range from excited, to aprehensive.
I am sure that while it is happening, I will be struggling against the pain and possibly wondering why I ever wanted this.
After I will fell refreshed and it will not be long before the pain goes away.
When you do it and I hope you do,
Please hit as hard as you possibly can.
Make the chord whistle as it comes down.
Mostly on my bottom and the tops of the backs of my legs.
I would like it to be so intense
So lost in the pain
If I cry out or cry or anythng, please do not stop.
Please do not ask me questions like "have you had enough". If there is any doubt give me 10 more.
How many. I hold my breath and say 100.
The number is not important to me.
Being out of my control is.
No sense in this at all.
But intimacy and love and trust at its most intense.
Or am I just mad?
Monday, June 6, 2011
We had the genesis of discussion about responsibility of behaviour last night.
Firstly, In no way do I wish to abdicate responsibility for my behaviour.
I do wish to change my behaviour and for that I need your help.
I also believe as I have done for a long time in the value of physical punishment.
So that to me is a tool and a very effective tool in helping me change.
I appreciate that you whip me because I ask you to and I do so when I feel I have done wrong or slipped up.
You mentioned teachers, parents, law enforcement and that you did not wish to be my parent or law enforcer.
I do need you to take on that sort of role.
I need you to be the leader.
I tried and failed to be the leader in our family.
You have stated that you do not wish to be the leader but at the same time you have prevented me from being the leader by simply implementing any decisions that you wanted even if they were clearly not what I had wanted. You also ensured that your social life and life in general was clearly outside and away from the family - Church, school, friends all come well and truly before family and that resulted in loneliness and jealousy for me and frustration for me and the kids. We lived our lives around you so now I am saying step up to the plate and be the leader.
Now this means a real head space change for me. I am trying very hard to move into that head space.
I will attempt to support you and your decisions cheerfully and to the best of my ability and that is where I need you to lead with direction and to punish me when fall short.
It does not mean that I will bother you with trivial decisions. I am an adult, I can think for myself and I fully intend to do so. In fact I wish to get to the point where almost all the time, I am thinking what would she like and implement that without you even asking.
But I am not there yet.
I would really like it if you would, in the privacy of our bed room, tell me when my behaviour was not up to scratch. I would like you to punish me. I would also like you to reward me when I am good. I would also like you to tell me what you want and encourage me when I try but do not get it exactly right.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Last night she was busy doing something and I got jealous for attention.
Then she asked me my opinion on whether we should give our child this or that for their birthday. I gave my opinion and then I find she has disregarded it. At the time that anoyed me.
Then in the calm light of day I am thinking how unreasonable I am. Even if not in a submissive relationship, I should not get anoyed when someone does not accept my opinion. I was asked, I gave my opinion they decided different. So what.
So I was anoyed with myself.
Thankfully she does not hold grudges and this morning another instance of great sex.
I was desparate to cum. Los of pressure it seemed.
There was some nice tease where she denied my request to put a plastic bag on and rub myself.
Then she said she was debating whether to take her pants off.
All added to the sexual tension.
Then she said put some lube on and she took her pants off.
I put the lube on and came in very very gently on top. Supporting my weight and pushing in gently.
We ended up with her on top.
She asked if I was close to cuming. I said I had been holding off waiting for permission. She likes us to cum together. Anyway she ended up cuming before I got it together. She then offerred to roll over so I could be on top.
I said "I would like to stay with her on top because I would like to get used to cuming with her on top"
Then I came and it was good. Aaaaaah.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
She arrived home and does the usual things that ordinarilly would have made me feel ignored like checking her email. She gets the PJs from under her pillow and disapears off the the bath room and does something in the kitched and bla bla. I am saying to myself. Stay calm. Do not get anoyed. It is your jub to support her not demand of her. So I relax and chill out.
She eventually arrives at the bedroom door wearing her new long PJ pants and her black bra. Now I am awake and ready. She stand at the bed side facing me and very much has my attention. Then she reaches down and ties the pj pants chord and as she does so she says "My chastity belt". Ooooooh
She rolls onto her front and asks me for a massage. I ofcouse oblige. And after I have spent some minutes maybe 10 or 15, I run my hand down and gently stroke her pyjama clad bottom. Then I massahe her bottom and stroke her back. She moved one hand down and starts touching herself.
She asks me to kneel with one knee netween her legs and push onto her. Now she has both hands rubbing herself and I hold her by the waist and lift her partially into my upper theigh. I am so desparate and she is having such a good time. At one stage I say you look so power ful in pants and short hair. She says dont use that word. (The next day, I ask her about that and she says she is still not comfortable with this whole thing and using the word powerful was distracting)
Then she says "thats enough" move to your side of the bed and watch.
She rolls onto her back and starts rubbing herself between her legs. And she says "do not touch yourself or me". Then she undoes ger bra and lets her breast fall out. She caressesit with one hand while fingering herself with the other.
She says "would I like to kiss her breast"
I say "I would love to"
she says "go on"
So I gently kiss her breast and she puts her finger in my outh and O begin to gently such on her breast then she says with your oujer hand touch my clitorous. So I push my hand gently in down the front of her PJ's. She then decides to take her pj pants off so there is a little interruption.
Now we are back at it and eventually she cums. And she is happy and I am happy (but still bursting).
She lies back and so do I and we relax.
I dare not ask. I want her to direct and this is not the time to ask because that forces her to respond.
After an age she says would you like to go inside her or wear a plastic bag. (Often in the past, I have put a plastic bag with a little baby oil over my penis so as not to make a mess in bed when we engage in mutual masterbation). I say to ger. Please you decide for me.
She says put on a plastic bad. So I do.
I start to rub against the mattress and I ask "Can I cum: and she sayd "I have not told you to cum yet".
I ask "Will I be allowed"
and she resonds... "maybe or maybe tomorrow or maybe not".
I am desparate but I do not want to plead.
I ask if I can touch her and she says yes anywhere I like.
So I am running my hands over her breasts and between her legs
A bit later she says you may cum now
And boy that took all of 5 seconds to happen.
Then I lay back and relaxed.
Then she got up and said she was going to wash her hands and I took the plastci bag off and cleaned up with an old babies nappy that is kept in the bed side table.
Then she put both the top and pants of the long pjs back on and we both fell asleap.
This morning I was so turned on again and I asked if I could put a plastic bag on and cum again and she said "no". Then We had a bit of a discussion about me being submissive and her being in control and also about her being powerful. It was nice and light but really fun.
And that is a great way to start a weekend.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Let me ramble. Not in chronalogical order. Just as I think of it.
As I am about to leave my wife tells me the schedule for the weekend. Now some of it is same old same old and is locked in. Kids sport, a birthday party and church but she then says that saturday afternoon we are all going for a picnic and a walk in the forest. Tells me. Doesn't ask. Just tells me.
During the day at work she send me a text which reads
"Thought you'd like to
know I'm having waxing
done at 12:30pm...x"
And I respond "Ooooooo aaaaah mmmmmm"
And spend the rest of the day dreaming.
Came home early. Soon after the phone rang and it was a charity that apparantly we had helped in a previous year and been fund raising door knockers for them and they were recruiting for this year. I had some fun being very overtly submissive by saying to the lady, I said "I can not commit to doing this as I have to ask my wife" and when she persisted I said "I am not allowed to make these decisions I have to refer this to my wife and she will make the decision". I got their phone number and promised to call them back.
Soon after my wife came home and I explained about the charity and she said "not this year" as we are already doing some other charity work. So I rang them back and said "My wife says that we are not available this year". So nice to pass the decision making buck and such fun to be able to be overt about it.
Soon after she came home, Sse said she was going to go hang out the washing so I went and helped her. Then she did some sweeping so I grabbed the dustpan and brush and followed her around and brushed up the little piles of dirt. I thought about offering to just do it but figured she would like me helping and she hasn't asked me to do it.
At one stage we had a conversation about sex and she commented that our sex life was pretty much non existant. I said well intercourse yes but there has been quite a bit of sexual activity. May have to discuss this some more.
She now out and I am babysitting our kids plus three others from the people she is out with. Ah so domestic.
Then she got the electrical flex we use for her to whip me out of the draw in the bed side table. I had a look at how she was holding it. Doubled over and wrapped around her hand several times so that the piece she was hitting me with was quite short. I asked her to un wrap it so it was longer. Then I took it from her and said hit me like you would to get dust out of a blanket and then I hit the bed really really hard. I said hit me like that. Make it really hurt please. She was noticably shocked. Luckilly not too shocked. I gave her back the flex.
I lay face down and she whipped me a few times. I then asked her to make some of the strokes land on the upper part of my legs too. I lay face down again and she continued. I was wearing my shiny red boxers. Not bare because I think she would find that too confronting and stop if she saw any marks. Anyway she was hitting harder than she had done previously.
Then she went round the other side of the bed and did some more. It was very painful. Then she came round the first side of the bed and without warning layed one stroke down really really hard. It was sooo painful. Then she put the whip away.
When she got into bed, I cuddled her and thanked her. I said that last stroke was really good. I was caught between nit wanting to imply that the other strokes were too light but at the same time, I wish to give her feed back to build her confidence in disciplining me.
Mind you prior to all this, I had mentioned to her this moning that I would like her to whip me to get me used to my daughter wearing pants and then when I got home from work, I had asked her to after the kids went to bed, to read the letter and then whip me and yet still she had just done her own thing and totally forgotton about it until she got into bed and I asked if she was going to discipline me. Then she got up and went and read it.
I take that as meaning she is willing to look after my needs but at the same time is naturally focussed on herself.
I hope that the two can come together in the future where she can demand of me and that way she gets what she wants / needs and so do I. In that being comanded to do something for her is rewarding for me.
Anyway, then I said to her well now I guess you will be buying pants for our daughter and she said yes expect her to be wearing them more often now.
Then she put her hand on my penis and teased me. Which was nice. I asked if I could cum and she hesitated for ages. I regretted asking. I said to her, "if you are not sure just say 'no'". So she said 'no'. I felt like I had pressurised her by asking. I will try harder not to ask. When things settle down though, I will ask her if asking is frustrating for her and if it is then I will suggest that she consider telling me not to ask and to whip me if I do ask. But that I think will have to wait at least a few weeks. I think she is still mentally processing the being in charge overtly and my being submissive and especially the whipping thing.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
To my dear wife
I was I confess angry when I saw my daughter this morning wearing culottes.
I think Culottes are probably the most unflattering physically ugly piece of clothing invented. They also convey a message of lack of identity cofidence. I am a girl so I cant wear shorts but I do not have the confidence to wear a skirt or words to that effect.
The next thing was the very fact that she actually owned them anoyed me intensly. If you had purchased them after I abdicated my position of family leader and turned the leadership over to you then that would have been fine. However I suspect. Nay believe that they were purchased before that. And that typifies what I was up against.
I tried to lead.
You talked about shared leadership and in that context there is discuss and agree and implement.
But this just typifies the actual reality and that was that irrespective of what the outcome of our discussions were or the outcome of any agreement or the result of any direction I gave, if you did not agree with it, then you just implemented whatever you saw as right anyway. The culottes are a case in point that demonstrate the termiting of my leadership.
So now I have abdicated and you are in charge. I will not be termiting you. I will be doing my very best to support your decisions and to make you happy and to do the things that you ask. I will be putting effort in to doing my very best for you. I use that word submissive because that is the word that I see best describes this. It does not mean I will sit around like a stunned jelly fish waiting for instructions.
But there is an emotional change of mindset that I need to foster.
I have always said 'no hints'. Guys just do not get hints.
With you in the leadership position, I need you to overtly lead. Please do not hint, suggest or be subtle. If you want something or want something done, then please say so. Please do not hold back. Please use this as a way to regain your confidence. Have fun with it.
I see the bed room as a way to play, practice and extend this.
Yes there is a reward for me.
With your attention, I go to work happy. (I used to hate driving to work angry and drained)
With your attention, I get sexual enjoyment. Something that had evaporated as your sex drive declined.
I beleive one of the reasons that our kids have become progressivly worse behaved is because they have been able to subconsously pick up the disunity between us. So my unity is now your unity and I hope that my children, whom I care dearly for, will without realising it, begin to become better behaved and I believe that that will translate to better results at school, in sport and in their social lives. Their success brings me happyness.
Finally on spanking.
Yes I get turned on by physical stuff including spaking.
I find the whipping to be cathardic. It clears my head. When it is over, I feel new, cleansed, ready to start again. There is also a feeling that hopefully you feel a little empowered although I understand that it really does stress you becuase I think you feel a conflict within yourself about inflicting physical pain. It helps me to change my mindset. This sort of whipping needs to hurt physically. Actually it does not work so much for me if it is not hard enough because it is then confused with a sexual turn on spanking. I ask you, when you do it, to hit as hard as you possibly can. Sorry it sounds so weird but I hope that one of the things about trust and intimacy is the freedom to explore in an atmosphere of trust.
I love you and I want you to be happy, I want to be happy too and I want our kids to be happy.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
She asked 'what about driving oldest child in'.
I said, I thought you told me that there were no early starts for two weeks.
She said sorry only no early starts on Mondays.
Now normally I would have gotten really angry about the drip feeding of information but I took a deep breath and said 'oh. ok'.
So in the dark, I stripped off to my undies. Now also I had put on an adult diaper. So I was wearing the diaper and undies and then I got a tee shirt and put it on and hopped back into bed.
Now she knows that I wear adult diapers when I may need to go for a long period without going to the toilet like at the footie or concerts or presentations at work because I find that I get very little warning of needing to go and I hate having my enjoyment disturbed by focussing on hilding it. Anyway, she is not excited by this but puts up with it.
Anyway, I think she took pity on me and felt me up in the nappy which turned me on.
I asked if she had thought about when I would be allowed to cum. She did not answer.
I wonder if asking pressurises her or if she is teasing me.
I think I will add a personal goal of not asking for sex. Maybe I already have that as a personal goal. I think it is time to revist the list of personal goals and also to make sure I do one thing every day just for her.
I washed them and put them in the dryer.
After we got the kids into bed, I asked her what her plans were for the evening.
Ironing, folding washing,a shower, preparation for her job for tomorrow ....
I said to her during this discussion, that I really want her to be happy but that I am having a struggle with letting go of my old ways and that what I would really like is for her to wear the new pyjama pants and to whip me. I said I know that sometimes she feels bad about hitting me and that I did not want that. I did not want her to associate feeling bad with wearing the pjs. She said. She does not feel bad any more. She does not think about it. She then said buying pants should not be punishment. I said what I would really like is just a few strokes really hard but not lots like a punsihment. Just a sort of reminder. A reinforcement that things have changed.
I said, how about have the shower first and while you are in it, I will go and your new pjs from the dryer so you can wear them and be warm and then whip me and then after I have recovered I can help with the folding of clothes etc.
So that was what happened. 4 strokes from one side of the bed and then 4 strokes from the other side. It was more painful than usual but she still is not hitting all that hard. I can understand that though as she is not a violent person.
That was last night