Friday, December 6, 2013

I am too emotional

This week my wife has been and still is very busy with things. 

I feel ignored.

A few nights ago I said to her that in the middle of all this busyness it would be nice if she could put aside a few minutes for some intimate time in the bed room.  I said that what we would do would be up to her.  If she wants a massage or orgasm for her or if she want to cane or whip me.  So I guess a little topping from the bottom going on here. 

Anyway I was feeling ignored and to a degree took things into my own hands.  I have a fetish for plastic.  So I put on a pair of plastic pants.  Plastic right against my skin.  I do not know why I find this nice.  Its is relaxing.  Stimulating.  I just wore them for several hours while I did a few tasks.  Then when it was time for bed I kept them on and put my boxers over the top.

My wife was busy on her computer organising things.  I went to bed and lay there.  Not expecting anything but feeling a combination of naughty excitement, relaxation, and annoyance that she is too busy.

She came into the bed room and lay beside me and rubbed her hand over my bottom and of course felt the plastic under my boxers.  Then she gave me attention.  My love language is physical touch.  At this stage I was not hard.  She pinched my nipples.  She knows this gets me hard and she rubbed me through the plastic which because of sweat was now quite slippery.  I was turned on.

She got up and said roll over onto your tummy.

She got the electrical flex out of the bed side table and whipped my bottom.  Cripes it hurt but at the same time I loved it.

I am just weird hey.

She went round the other side of the bed and gave me another about 10.  They hurt.  I said to her she could try on the top and back of my legs on the bare skin.  Cripes that hurt.  I was writing up and down humping the bed.  It was both stimulating and a way to dispel the pain at the same time.  I asked if I could cum and she said yes.  As she whipped I humped and came and just exploded in waves of pleasure.

I lay back exhausted.

She disappeared back to her organising.

I fell asleep.

The next morning I got up very early, still in the messy plastic pants.  Quietly had a shower.  Went to work.  Her and my days are several hours different.  I am an early morning person.  She is a night time person.



Friday, November 22, 2013

whipping punishment and reward

I got grumpy last night.  Sulky.
As I write this, I have momentarily forgotten why.
In bed, still feeling moody but calmed down.
I said to her that she should punish me for being grumpy and she said OK get the cane.  I said you can use the electrical flex if you like and she said OK get that.
I switched on my bed side light, got it and gave it to her and I lay face down in my boxers on the bed.  She whipped me about ten time.  Cripes it hurt.  Then she started to just stroke my legs and back with it.  I real mix of the punishment with teasing.  Then a few more unexpectedly.  Then she finished.

I put the chord back in the bed side table draw.  We hugged and kissed.  I thanked her.

We lay back.  Hand in hand.  It was nice.  It was not long before I could tell she was asleep. Regular breathing.  I though was wide awake.  Mind alert.  I am conscious that I have a tendency to get moody.  many times I have gotten sulky because she falls asleep in bed.  So I am having to mentally put myself in a place to avoid that.

I ponder that the whipping was like both a punishment and a reward.  It hurt and it was in the context of having gotten moody and being punished for it but also I find that the pain helps to clear my mind.  I know it is not politically correct but it does.  Its almost like an aspirin or a coffee in waking me up and clearing the mind.  Or even exercise.

I then thought a scary thought.  I would like her to tie me face down to the bed.  I would like her to whip me really really hard.  I want it to be so hard that I scream.  I want her to not stop whipping me when I scream.  Weird hey.  I know that when it is happening I will be regretting it.  I will be wondering why I was so stupid to ask for it.  I will be wishing it to be over.  I know it will hurt and hurt a lot.  But still that is something I dream or fantasise about.  Weird hey.




Tuesday, November 19, 2013

sub music

I had a previous post here listing vanilla songs that to me have some kinky or submissive side to them.

Heard this song on the radio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P27zteuLRPc

The Real Thing - You To Me Are Everything (Lyrics)

With lines like this in it

I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you asked me to.
I'd do anything for you
your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand.
Words cannot express how much you mean to me.
You know you've got the power girl
To keep me holding on.


maybe we are back on

Should that read .... back down under...

Dropped in at home for a quick bite of lunch.

Ended up in the bed room.

First on my tummy and a dozen strokes of the cane.  Wow.

Then gently rubbed her.  Took her skirt & pants off.  Worked gently as per request.  Eventually she orgasmed and a pretty intense one from what I could tell / feel.

I asked if I could cum and she reiterated "no".

wow. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

"No" sounds so good

Last night we were in bed together and in retrospect she was giving direction a bit more than usual.  She said she was going to roll onto her tummy so I could stroke her back.  At one stage she said to touch gently on the back of her legs and bottom.  She got turned on and I moved my hand inside her undies.  She came with me rubbing her with my fingers. 

Then we lay cuddled.  I was wondering where this would lead.  Then she started to drift off to sleep.  Now if we were in a overtly fem dom male sub mode then I would be very happy with that but we have been in a malaise for a while.  I could feel myself getting angry or at least annoyed.  When she gets like this I just think she is being lazy when it comes to the relationship or at least the intimate sexual part of it. 

Luckily after a while she awoke and the physical touching started again and she said "take you pants off".  She started to suck me.  very very stimulating.  Then she took her panties off and got on top.   I was getting in a sub headspace and she tried to push on but she was too dry.  Then she got some lube and put it on and rubbed me.  Long and slow.  Oh so turned on.  Then she got on top again and pushed on.  She started to move and it soon became clear that she was stimulated.  There is a difference in the rhythm or something.  So she was moving and on top and I was turned on and mildly at least in a sub head space.  I then asked if I could come.  I fully expected her to say that we should come together.  She surprised me by saying you just came a few days ago I am sure you can wait a bit longer.

I almost shot my load in surprise.

"How long are you going to wait" I enquired.

"do you think you can wait until ..... (weekend away planned for about 3 weeks time)..."
"wow that would be so hot" I said too quickly.
then I rabbited on saying she could whip me and so on.  Not sure if that was a good thing or too much of an over reaction.  I also mentioned how much I had enjoyed my last period of abstinence back at the start of the year and how turned on I had got reading the forum where the catholic (I think) wives were discussing helping their husbands deal with extended periods of abstinence and I mean here these people only have sex when they want to conceive and so the men have to go years without orgasm. 

On that, the up side for the guy was increased and deliberate intimacy by the wives.

so we wait and see how we go over the next week or so.

:)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Using my tongue

It has been a while since I posted anything.  I guess I still hanker for some edgy sexy submissive stuff.  Actually I hanker for some edge to our pretty mundane relationship.

My mind though is never far from thinking about it and there seem to be regular encounters that I sexify or subify. 

We had a night out with friends last Friday night.  Middle aged clubbing if you can call it that.  A few drinks and a dinner at a central city pub and some dancing to a far too loud band.  Around midnight while waiting to cross the road a young (lets say 19yo) girl who had had rather too much to drink and being escorted by a slightly less inebriated young man accosted a kilt wearing middle aged scottsman and demanded that the boyfriend take a photo of her with the well dressed scottsman.  Someone in the watching crowd said she just liked me in kilts.  Someone else called out to the boyfriend that he had better watch out or she will have him in dresses.  To which she laughed and said "We (note the we) have already decided that he is getting a kilt".  My heart fluttered for the boy.

In another area of my life I car pool taking kids to school.  One of the mum who normally drives as part of this is going to be away for a week.  She is getting so over involved in organising what will happen while she will be away.  She is making her husband (who normally goes to work early) stay late some mornings to ensure that the kids get out of bed and get dressed.  She is quite open that she does not trust him to do it right so she is organising her mother to come two days and another mother  from the car pool group for the other 3 days to, get this, bring her own kids over and supervise breakfast that the husband will cook so that ring in mother can ensure that they all get up get their school uniforms on and get to school on time.  She said "If I don't organise this, he (her husband) will go to work at the usual time and the kids will sleep in till lunch time and forget to go to school".  I just smiled to myself .  She is dominant but also very untrusting.  But it was kind of kinky in a way the way the husband effectively had a baby sitter to supervise him.

And now onto more intimate things. - Sex with my wife

Last night into bed around 10:30.  Wife had bought a new nightie.  For me not really sexy.  Spaghetti straps and too long.  Just me I guess.  I would have preferred puffy sleeves and shorter and flouncier.  But it was she who had bought it.


We began with a bit of touching and she rolled onto her front and I stroked her bottom and kissed her shoulders.  This was looking good.  Over a week since my last orgasm.  A short conversation about me licking her and she asks if she should get a washer and clean her self down there. I dismiss that. I rolled her onto her back.  Took off her undies and started to use my tongue.  She got more and more turned on.  I was hard and excited.


In the middle of all of this she asked if there were things I wanted to do.  By now with my tongue inside her I was in a submissive mind space.  I said things like for her to whip or cane me for her to cum but make me hold off. 
She seemed on the edge for ages.  I got up and lay on top and slipped in.  She was so wet and turned on.  Different from usual where she is disinterested and dry and we end up using lube.  No lube this time.  We roll so I am on my back as experience has shown that she is much more likely to orgasm this way.  I am hard and focused.  Focused on her Cumming.  Its a funny thing sex.  In a way so selfish.  At one level only I experience my orgasm but at another level I get great satisfaction when she orgasms and so by holding off orgasm myself even though that requires concentration on my part, on balance it allows more focus to be put on her enjoyment.  My movements, and places my hand goes are all chosen to try and maximize the potential for her to orgasm.


She came and then lay on top of me.  Because I smell of her I don't think she wanted to tongue kiss me.  Quite understandable.  We lay there for a while.  I was still hard and turned on.  A few times I thrust and that was very stimulating.  I was in a way hoping she would tease and say "that's it for tonight" but she didn't.  We rolled over and I thrust and came.


Then we drifted off to sleep.



Friday, October 11, 2013

Busy

Life is busy.
School holidays have come to an end and we are getting into a new routine.
Subbiness has dropped off.
I think I will just free wheel for a while.  I do not know how long.  I wonder if posting here means that I am on the way back down I guess.  By down I mean down into sub space not down into depression.

A focus on service that is doing things without being asked and also listening and responding to her needs.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

sub theory

I see two incantations of submissive on the net.
As a generalisation I put them into these two groups

The FLM, WLM, sub male
The dom male and sub female.

In the traditional dom male sub female model which certainly dominates the porno industry the man dominates the woman.  In many stories there is a degree of coercion and in many there is a desire by the woman to submit to the man but for which the dominant needed to exert some power to push her into the submissive state.  It seems to me though that in this scenario or model a key part of it is that the dominant provides a secure environment for the sub.

However when I read here about FLR we have a lot of male submissiveness but not a lot of female leading.  Not a lot of females providing a secure environment for the submissive men.  I see here a lot of guys including me wanting to submit to their female. 

I ask myself is this just a middle aged crisis.  Is it a reaction to the women loosing interest in us.

Is it that we get to a certain time in our lives where we say to heck with supressing feelings that we have had for a long time.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

so much work

There is this sort of titillating image of the man doing all the housework and the woman relaxing on the couch holding a glass of wine and reading.  It is titillating for about a minute and a half.  So even though through my submission I am now much more motivated to do house work and domestic chores and do do more.  My wife still does a huge amount and I get exhausted.  I know that in many families the women do almost all the domestic chores.  Frankly I do not know how they do it.

I do not understand how any single parent could survive.

At present both of us seem to work work work.  Don't get me wrong I am not trying to weasel out of it.  It is just that doing some opens my eyes as to just how much work it takes to run a house.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

a theme here

Last night we were in bed together and she was paying me some attention and made comments about giving me time and so on.  It was nice.  She was pinching my nipples and that hurt and puts me in a very sub mood.  I was concerned however that she was doing all the work and I am the one who like to be sub.

I suggested she could rub against me.  She initially said 'no' but then said 'ok'.  I lay on my tummy and she got on my back and ground against me.  Its so nice.  So physically close.  Skin to skin.  She is on her period and neither of us are all that excited about sex and blood and this is a way for her to orgasm when on her period.  She came.  We both felt good.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

A pinch and a

On the first day of each month we in our family go up to each other and engage in a play fight.  One person usually the younger one who is by nature more likely to know the date as opposed to us oldies who kind of wish time would stand still or at the very least try to deny our aging by forgetting the date.  I digress.

Small child will pinch you on the arm and then punch you on the arm and say "A pinch and a punch for the first of the month" and the other will respons " a poke and a kick for being so quick" as said small child tries to avoid a finger in the ribs and a boot up the bum.  Giggling all the way.

Anyway recently my wife has been squeezing my nipples hard and this morning was no exception as she squeezed it had and said "A pinch and ...."

oooh la la.

:)

Friday, August 30, 2013

So nice to be of service

In bed early this morning while it is still dark and I confess I woke my wife by snuggling up to her.

She obviously could not get back to sleep.

I said "Why don't I lie on my tummy and you climb on top and rub on my bottom orgasm and then drift back to sleep".

She has done this a couple of times recently and cum.

She climbed on.
I asked how I could help and she said put your hands on my bottom.
I did that.  A bit hard actually as I have to get my hands round behind both of us.  But I love it and I love to feel where her skin meets her panties.
She came.
She said she imagined my hands down her front.
She rolled off.
We held hands and soon I could hear the regular breathing of someone who is asleep.
I lay still not wishing to wake her.
Felt so good.

Later got up.
Showered. she was still in bed sleeping.  I put my clothes out in the spare room the night before so I wont disturb her.
Went into the kitchen and cooked both of us scrambled eggs.

Unloaded, reloaded and ran the dishwasher. Ah you might say. Slacko should have cleaned up last night and not left any dishes for this morning and I agree but anyway that is not the point of this story.

Oldest child arrived in the kitchen. They are in a little selfish phase (imho). Anyway wife said "Isn't you father the best dishwasher he has done such a wonderful job this week so many times and so clean."

Nice to be noticed and even though my love language is physical words of encouragement are nice.

So here I am at work.  I feel great.  It is fun to be submissive.  It is nice that she gets enjoyment - both sexual and just normal (ie the kitchen).  I think we both go off into the day feeling good.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I am busy supporting her

Just got back from picking up child from sporting practice.

The wife is out with her friends.

I have my list of tasks
Feed child.  (The rest ate earlier.)
Clean up after dinner. Unpack, pack, run and unpack the dishwasher.
Wipe down tables.
Clean up kitchen.
Get kids through baths, homework, reading and bed time prayers.
I sexualise it.
I enjoy it.
I enjoy the time with the kids.  (That's not sexualised in case you need that clarification)

Fathers Day

This Sunday is Fathers Day.  Here in Australia anyway.

Now one might believe that Fathers Day means a day when dads get to choose but we know and have been conditioned to understand that Fathers Day means being totally available to be organised &  entertained by the wife and kids.  The important thing to realise that it is completely out of the fathers control.  He must come and go when called and directed.

In a femdom / wife lead environment it is an opportunity to shine.  To accept direction.  To accept that there is no such thing is my will or my time. 

I fantasise that Fathers Day would start with me waking early to put in extra effort on a list of tasks allocated by my wife.  Followed by making breakfast for the family.  Then taking them to whatever activities that they want to do with their father and lets face it kids love to do things with Dad.  Whether it be throwing a ball or reading.  The kids want it and I like doing things with them.  As the day draws to a close the kids are tucked into bed.  Stories read and prayers said. 

Then it is evening.  Just the wife and I.  As its fathers day, it is a day for extra effort.  An extra reminder of who is in charge.  Perhaps a whipping to remind me.  Something physical as I am a touchy feeling person and touch is my love language.  It would get the adrenalin going and help me overcome the weariness.  The more and harder she whipped the more I know she loves me.  In a way it really is a replacement for orgasm.  It is a love hate thing.  Both an expression of her love and reminder for failings on my part.  The fact that she takes the time and makes the effort.  Such love. 

Then onto the clean-up tasks.  Those mundane tasks that have to be done.  Dishes and kitchen.  She would sexualise it by supervising in a sexy outfit and  inspecting the result.  Perhaps a riding crop in her hands.  Perhaps she would sit and read a book.  Anyway Fathers day a day where fathers put in an extra effort.

Finally the tasks are almost complete.  The glass of water is beside her bed.  The bed is turned back.

We hug and kiss and perhaps there is some sexual tease.  A bit of touching and tease.  I am eager to help and she reaches orgasm.  I am satisfied I have supported her and worked hard for the family.  We hug and drift off to sleep. It has been a long hard day and I have come through.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Home and Work

I face a dilemma or conundrum or something.  I am sure those of you with a good grasp of the English language will be able to specify the word I have to use.

We have a person here at work who is a pain in the ass.  Actually a painful personality.

It is my duty to deal with them.

I think it would be so much nicer to abdicate that responsibility to someone else.

However I view submission as I guess knowing ones duty and where one sits on the [social] ladder.  The private in the army is submissive to the sergeant but the private still has to pull his trigger and kill the bad guys.  He is in submission but he is not weak (or her).

But it would be nice to not have to deal with this person.


Friday, August 23, 2013

The nice pain

Wow how things change.

Last night I decided to wear plastic pants to bed under my pjs.  A little baby oil in them to make them nice and slippery.

She is engaged.  We kiss and touch.  She puts her hands under my pj top and squeezes my nipple. A lot.  It hurt.  Then she did the other one.  One thing is nice that when she does one she always does the other.  Puts me in a sub head space.

I lay humping the mattress sounds so yuk when I say it like that.  She alternated between running her hands across and between my legs, feeling the plastic pants and putting her hands up my pj top and pinching my nipples.  It hurt. I asked if I was allowed to cum and she said yes.   I was fighting between the pain giving me a turn on and at the same time it seemed harder to cum.  Then I exploded.  Ahh so   relaxing.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Moodswings

A difficulty I have is that I tend to feel more motivated to post when I am feeling down.  Blowing off steam whatever.  So this blog is possibly disproportionately negative.

I wonder whether it is somehow a selfish thing - I don't get what I want.

Right  now I am feeling great.  But there is no sub thing going on.  At home its pretty much business as usual.

maybe I should philosophise....

I saw a fellow with a personal trainer this morning.  In the local park the council have installed various bars and steps and so on for the public to use for exercise.  Here was this big middle ages fellow.  By big I mean tall, solid.  Not fat but big.  he was sweating as he stepped up and down from a step and each time he stepped up he lifted his hands high in the air with a small dumb bell weight in each.  Boy was he sweating.  And standing near was a woman.  younger than him  Pony tail.  Sleeveless quilted jacket top.  Arms crossed across her chest.  Directing, supervising.  Being paid to make him work and work hard.
  Don't you love it.

I have a personal trainer too but he is a he.

I sometimes dream that it would be interesting to have a young female.  A bonus would be if she held a cane or switch thing like they use on horses with the little leather bit on the end. 

It could be win win win. 
I would work harder -> win  (get fitter, stronger, healthier)
I would get a smack from time to time from a beautiful girl -> win too.
In a way bizarre that not getting hit would be a motivator but there would be some titillation associated with being hit.  Probably not at the actual time but knowing it could happen and later basking in the memory of the pain.
And for the right girl, hopefully she would get a turn on associated with directing, encouraging, enforcing and hitting me.

ah but I fear only in my dreams.
:)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Feeling down and things just go from bad to worse

In the middle of the night I woke up feeling angry.  Stuff goes round and round in my head.

Issues where at home she has undermined me.  OK so take charge.  I will just do as she asks or says.  But then she does not want to be overtly in charge.  I just do not know which way to jump.

Then today at work, I miss a important meeting with a client. 

Did not check my calendar.

F***%$I@#

You know when things are going bad they seem to keep going bad.

The challenge for me is how to pull up and climb.

The difficulty I feel is not knowing whether I am the pilot, the co-pilot, the stewardess or the ground crew or a passenger or not even on the plane.


Friday, August 9, 2013

Take care of your own sexual needs

We have been going to see a marriage councillor.

She the marriage councillor has said a few times that I should take care of my own sexual needs.

This grates with me.

To me a part of a marriage partnership is the idea of commitment, responsibilities, sacrifice and so on.  Duty is a word that comes to mind.

Like I have a duty to .....
say earn an income,
be sensitive,

And of course I would say she has duties too.

Now obviously there are traditional views of what those duties are.
But assume that we don't subscribe to the traditional views of who has what duties in a marriage, I suggest that in a marriage, the two people each do have duties or obligations to the other and that in this new paradigm that those responsibilities and duties or obligations one to the other would be negotiated.

In a femdom marriage presumably one would include a negotiation regarding the duty of the sub to obey.

However this marriage councillor has said quite bluntly that my wife owes me no obligation and certainly no obligation in regard to sexual activity.

Hmmm

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Attractivness

It seems we have a tension.

On the one hand, as a generalisation, women seem to want a strong leading man.  Physically strong, take the initiative, on the ball, competent and so on.  At the same time, they are controlling, some say manipulative, want their own way.

So for some of us, me in particular, we transition to being what I call submissive.

I hope some traits stay - Physically fit and healthy, competent, on the ball.

But we make a change to I guess taking less initiative.  Not no initiative.  I guess I see it as more reactive.  Trying to ascertain what she wants and doing it.

At the same time I think guys like things black and white.  So it is nice when I know exactly what she wants.  What is difficult is when I am unsure.

Then I couple that with a bit of kinkiness for want of a better word.  A desire to be spanked.  To be bossed around. 

Perhaps it is because I have felt ignored by her as it seems we have drifted apart in our marriage and that any attention is good attention.  So beat me is better than ignoring me.

But it seems that she has difficulty with all of this.  Kink is too too strange.  Taking the lead in a overt way is not her thing.  in fact recently she was involved with several teams that were predominantly female and two of these teams fell apart.  From my fly on the wall position, I think it was because neither team had an obvious visible structure or formality about it.  So when issues rose up, there was no obvious process or structure to deal with it.  And as a part of that, no obvious leader.  No chairperson.  In fact one of these groups seemed to go through a process of electing one chair person after another and then effectively termiting the chair person until they resigned out of frustration and eventually the team imploded.

So on a personal front, I am left in this sort of no mans unsatisfied land where I just go with the flow.  Living her social calendar and dreaming of something more edgy (which s what I am doing now).  Pouring my heart out in this blog and my other one for her that she never reads anyway.

On the proactive side, I try to ensure I put a lot of effort into things around the house.  TV is a killer so I try to make sure I do not sit in front of it.  I make rules for myself.  Kind of wishing she would make an impose them.  Like - no TV, only eat what is provided - no seconds. 



-------------

Interestingly as I write this on the topic of any attention is good attention.  I met a mother once who used to send her daughter to our Friday night church youth group in the skimpiest miniskirts and tight tops.  Now I am all in favour of girls in short skirts but this was a very awkward situation.  I was uncomfortable, the girl was clearly uncomfortable and others were uncomfortable.  When I spoke to the mother about it her position was basically her daughter needed to be noticed.  To be unnoticed meant she was ordinary, boring, a nothing and the mom was sure not going to let that happen. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

Is submissivness just an excuse

I ask myself
"Is submissiveness just an excuse"......

To not take responsibility?
As a response to not being able to turn her on?
For other personal failings.?

.....................................................
Feeling a little low today. 
No logical reason.

Actually the wife and I went to a "Sex Shop"
Amazing.
Amazing that she did that.  Third time in 20years of Marriage I think.
We walked around inside.  Lots of costumes at around $100.  I think we would need a dress up party to go to.  I wonder what the guys would wear?  There were some very nice adult sized Disney characters, sexy nurses and so on.
In another room various implements.  She walked right passed the whips and restraints.  It would have been fun if she had asked to look at one and have me bend over and whacked me a few times.  Only a dream I guess.

Kids were obnoxious last night.  Wore me out.
Went to bed early.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Sex again and a dirty little thought

We seem to be on a roll.

Last night (Thursday night) she came and sat with me. This was unusual as she is usually busy busy busy.   I was working on the computer and had a few tasks to finish.  The relevance of this will become clear in a minute.

When done, I got changed and hopped into bed.  It was about 10pm.  So earlier than the 11 that tends to happen but of course later than the 9pm when she had come and sat with me.  I am often complaining that she come to bed too late.

We touched and cuddled and I said we could do the same as last night and she said that tonight was for me.  She just not get that last night was for us.  Me and Her.  She had a great orgasm and thinks that because I did not orgasm that I was somehow left out.  In fact we had travelled together in the car in the afternoon for about 3/4 of an hour and discussed that.  In that conversation I had reiterated how much I had enjoyed it.  She had had a really powerful orgasm and said that that reminded her of why she valued an orgasm so much and wanted me to enjoy it as much as that.  So yes I enjoy orgasm but also there is a huge enjoyment from the whole activity.  Power, tension physical pain, submissive head space and so on.

Anyway it did not seem to be long before she was nodding off.

I confess I got a little edgy.  She had said "this was your night" (meaning mine) she had said.  So here I am thinking well if it is my night then put some bloody effort into it. 

A somewhat heated exchange took place where she pointed out that she had come and sat with me at 9pm and that I had just worked on the computer.  The word inertia comes to mind.  As does habit and history.  Mind you she sat with her new computer and phone and sent messages and did things.  Not like she did a strip tease or lay provocatively over my monitor.  even the cat knows that to get attention it has to walk across, turn around and sit on the keyboard.

At the end of this I felt down and she .... well... Who knows.  Anyway a few minutes later things picked up.

She said "get out of bed and get the plastic" in a angry way.  I assume she was angry.  Maybe I am too na├»ve like Sheldon (big bang theory).

She put oil on me.  Smacked my bottom - surprisingly painful and wrapped me in cling wrap.  Ohh that is sexy / kinky. 

Then she said lie on the bed and rub your self.

So here I was lying face down in a tight cling wrap leotard for want of a better word.  Very turned on and rubbing and getting close.  She moved away from the bed and I could hear her rummaging.  She was getting the cane from where it was on the floor behind the dresser.  She ran the tip of it inside my thighs and across my bottom.

My mind went back to school days.  Grade 7. 12 or 13 years old and we had school assembly where we would stand in the quadrangle.  A big square of bitumen with a platform at one end.  We would sit in class lines.  A line of girls and then a line of boys.  I was prebuscent and no sexual interest in girls but in hindsight already kinky.  Anyway on one occasion we were getting ready for assembly and a group of us boys were sitting in our line and a group of girls were standing in a line in front of us.  The uniform skirts were sufficiently short that you could see their undies (sports briefs - settle down men.  When we were at school it was normal and did not have the sexual connotations that it seems to have now).  A girl in front of us had two dark brown bruises across the backs of her thighs up close to her undies.  A picture that fascinated me then and sprang back into my mind last night. 

I will probably be arrested for dirty thoughts.  I did not mention this mental image to my wife who thinks I am weird enough as it is but you lot get subjected to it.

Anyway with the stroke of her cane and the backs of my thighs exploded.  My wife apologised.  She said she missed.

She did not realise her stroke fitted in so neatly and exactly with my memory.  I almost exploded in orgasm.  I restrained myself and asked "May I cum".

She said "yes" and landed a few more on my plastic covered bum.

I orgasmed and relaxed and lay and relaxed on my tummy.  She was still stroking the tip of the cane inside my thighs.  I wondered what she was going to do.  Funny.  Now that I had orgasmed I really did not want her to hit me.  I was prepared for her to do so and I was not going to discourage her but it was interesting to note that my dream or desire for pain had evaporated with the orgasm.

Pretty weird hey.



Thursday, July 25, 2013

Sex and she enjoyed it!

We have not had sex for some weeks.  She had been somewhat affectionate during the day but no interest in bed and I had been mildly depressed for want of a better term.  It just did not seem to be worth the effort.

So much so that my penis was not getting hard. Getting old maybe.  But also feeling un loved.  Unnecessary.  Un appreciated.  Out of the loop.  Pointless.

As a generalisation, each night I would have a whinge.  She would call it a rant. I would feel depressed thinking over and over about things that are in my opinion not right.  This whinge seems to either occur when we first go to bed or at about 3am. 

So last night, she comes to bed and as she gets changed does a little strip tease in our bed room.  Matching bra and brief set.  Very sexy.  I start to get interested.

In bed she strokes my penis and I run my hands over the back of her thighs. Quite a long session of touching.  This is great.  Touch is very much my love language.  We end up in a bit of a rhythm with me being gentle with her clit through her undies and she on occasions digging her finger nails into be hard penis.  Ah so nice.

I am in a bit of a sub space.

At one stage I offer to lick her.  I would do anything of course.

She just says to be gentle and at another time she makes a comment "I wonder when you will put your fingers inside my undies".  There is a sensitive balance between going too fast and too slow. 

There is also a conflict inside me.  Being in a submissive mindset means that I want to be told what to do and when.  Perhaps submissive mindset should mean be on your toes.  Be alert.  Read her body and react to it and that that does not mean do nothing until told.  None the less it seems to me, the challenge is to be proactive with out "topping from the bottom".

At one stage I lay back on my back and she put her hand up under my tee shirt and pinched, and twisted my nipple.  Woh so painful.  She is getting good at that.  I thought I detected some extra thrusting by her.  Maybe she is repressed sadist.  (be real unlikely).  She then moved her hand back to my penis and observed it was even harder.  For me it was an interesting mental place to be because I knew that she was then going to do the same thing to the other nipple.  And she did.  I was torn between knowing and wanting and knowing and fearing.

Somewhere in all of this I asked if I would be allowed to cum and she said maybe maybe not.  She said I don't want you waking me up in the night and I said Just say the word.  Don't let me cum.  Take control.  I was torn between begging and letting her know.  Trying to say I am really enjoying this and the sexual tension associated with abstaining is really fun for me.

Somehow we ended up with her undies off and me just pushing in.  She did not want me go right in.  Just tease her clit with the hard end of my penis.  That was driving me wild.  Then after what seemed an age she got me to work my way in.  We did not use lube and we took it slow.  Wow.  She was trusting harder than she had in a long time.  I was struggling not cum.  wham bam thankyou mam and it would have been all over. Luckilly she said "don't you cum".

We moved together on the bed and she came good and hard.  She lay back exhausted.  Of course I was still hot hot hot.  I lay on her with my penis inside her and moved my top to one side so that I did not restrict her breathing.  She was breathing deeply.  I was so turned on.  I moved slowly in and out.  Stimulating my self.  I said "can I cum" and she said "not to night.  lie still and don't wake me running up beside me in the night".  After a while she said "That was great.  It's time to sleep now.  Pull out"


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

recognising who is in charge

The wife and I have been seeing a marriage councillor off and on for a couple of months.

The councillor wanted to see us separately and yesterday my wife went.

She had double booked herself having agreed to pick up a friends kids from daycare.  I left work early to collect them and then to baby sit.  Things that I am more than happy to do.

When my wife got home I asked how it had gone and so said OK.  I did not want to push the discussion because what she and the councillor talk about is their business.  My wife did however say that they had talked about how I (husband) believed that someone should be in charge and that my wife thought that marriage was a partnership 50:50.


Now my contention here is that we don't have a 50:50 partnership.  If she sees that something should be done a certain way then it is done that way.  If it is something she does not care about or does not know about then it gets done my way.  ie 0:100 or 100:0.  I guess that averages out to 50:50.

I get to configure her computer, back it up, sort out bugs.
She decides
when and where we holiday.
What we eat and when.
What is purchased.
How the house looks, is cleaned.....
....


Now even though I tend to be a moody.  Right now not moody.  Feeling great actually.  Quite happy to 'be submissive' to go along with whatever she wants.

I just wish that she would recognise that she is in charge and makes the decision instead of pretending that we have this 50:50 thing.

Now she may wish me to take more responsibility.  If that is the case then she needs to let me take responsibility.



Saturday, July 13, 2013

All good deeds

She is out .... naturally.
I actually do not mind that.  I am out all week at work and I like to just chill at home.
She has started dinner and I and the kids eat together.
Play a board game with the kids and then they go off and have showers and baths and get into their pjs.  In between whatever kids who are not in the shower are with me in the kitchen cleaning up. The dishwasher is unloaded, re loaded and set to run. 
Kids into bed and some bed time reading and a prayer with each.
Back up to the kitchen.  So even though the dishwasher is full and running the place is still a mess.

Wash up the rest by hand.  There is a lot of it. 

of course I sexualise it in my mind.

Putting in extra effort.  I get youtube going on my laptop with the external speakers (doors to kids rooms closed).  The music is pumping.
And the kitchen is clean.
I look over it.  Benches wiped down.
I try to make it look as good as she does.

Into the bed room,
turn back the bed.  Glass of water on her bed side table.

I sit back.  Channel surf a bit but nothing worth watching.
I am relaxed and she arrives home.

Somehow we end up in the bed room with her wiping baby oil over my body and then wrapping it in plastic.  Tightly.  Like I imagine a corset would be.  Its like a leotard in coverage and tight around my.  And slips and slides against my body.  I love it.  She hates plastic so this is a real treat.
Into bed

We lie and cuddle and I rub a little and she says "do you think you can wait till the morning' and I say 'If you tell me too'
She says:  "Time to sleep (It was after midnight by now).  Lie still and don't wake me"

Morning comes
I am so turned on

I ask If I can cum and she says yes and I explode into the plastic.

Then we drift back to sleep.

Ahh so nice


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Who Cares

Feeling down.
Wife has been away.
Came home.  No enthusiasm on her part.
She did not seem pleased to be home.  She had a great time away.

Mind you the kitchen was not clean and for that I would have much rather she was clear that that was what displeased her and then to punish me for it.  I have this feeling of "what's the point" 

Obviously sulking here.

Apart from cleaning the kitchen I just don't know what to do.

Me and the kids gave up trying to use the fridge or even any of the food that she had bought before she went away.  The cupboards were stuffed to overflowing.  Likewise the fridge.  Unusable.  So each day I would buy the raw meat and vegies, bread and so on and then we would cook dinner and then throw out the leftovers because there was no room in the fridge.  She controls the kitchen but in a way that keeps me out.  I would love to share it or take responsibility for it but that is not where her head space is at.

Likewise with the clothes.  The kids have draws stuffed with clothes so much so that they can never find anything.  So with her away we would basically wash each day and wear the next day.  So you can exist on two sets of clothes.  But she never will throw anything out so we are surrounded by clutter.

And today she is out doing things that just have to be done.  She does not tidy and she makes it pretty much impossible for the rest of us to de clutter either.

vent vent vent.

her phone is on the blink.  Can I help?  Would you like me to buy you a new one?  Yes / no / maybe I don't know what I want.  OK would you like a small one like mine or a larger one like you now have or a bigger one?  Oh I don't mind.  A small one I think.  Like mine.  I don't know. Maybe a bigger one.  Like what you currently have.  Maybe. 

Finally at the end of all this I think she is going to go and have a look.  But 'think' is the operative word.  I don't know.  In a weeks time I could be in trouble for not getting her a new phone or she may come home with a new phone.

I just want black and white.
Do this or don't do it.
I want to know what I am supposed to do and what she wants to do herself.


I was looking forward to her coming home.  But now she is home its like same old same old.

breathe out.

Back to work 

Friday, June 28, 2013

ah the cane

It's one of those morning when she just has to be getting early and quick.

I was feeling somewhat neglected because no sexy interaction has been occurring.  Read having a sulk.  I was wearing my plastic pants

I said "you could give me few strokes with the cane"

she got up. Went to the toilet and got the cane from behind the dresser.

I lay there face down on the bed rubbing myself against the bed I could just hear the plastic mattress cover crinkling.  Then she brought the cane down on the backs of my thighs.  Oh that hurt.  She did everything right from my kinky male perspective.  Caning and also just running the cane along on my skin.  I guess that is a thing that distinguishes a sexy caning from a purely disciplinary caning that one got as a kid.

So fresh.

ahh

A nice way to start the day.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Plastic

We have been seeing the marriage councillor.  Can't say I am enamoured by her.  She has indicated that my sexual enjoyment is my responsibility indicating clearly that I should leave my wife alone and masturbate.

So for the last week, I figured whatever...

So I have been wearing plastic pants because I like it and I have not asked my wife for sex or any physical sexualised play.

Does not seem to actually make any difference.  She has noticed and has rubbed me on occasion.

Last night she said that she was thinking that she might deny me orgasm but then did not actually deny me and then fell asleep.

It frustrates me that she has infinite energy for many things but not for sex or sex play.

So we continue sort of aimlessly.

Anyone know a kinky councillor in Brisbane?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

just finished the washing up

Got home from work to find a veritable kindergarten in our house.  Several other mothers and various children.  They had combined efforts and produced a beautiful dinner while working their way through a bottle or two of bubbly.  This extended into the evening and a few husbands arrived having been texted by their wives that if they wanted dinner then they had better come here because this was where it was at.

The gaggle left in a bit of a hurry.  Time to get kids to bed...  As they were leaving someone said what about the dishes.  Someone else said "don't worry the support crew will take care of it wont they?"  "He does a wonderful job" said my wife looking at me. 

So just spent the last hour and a half loading the dishwasher, decanting the left overs into old Chinese take away containers and then washing up all the stuff that did not fit in the dishwasher.  Wiping down the benches.  

You know and feeling perfectly OK about it.  And also musing what others think.  Obviously some of the mums have some kind of an idea that I like to be given tasks and so on.

Smile quietly to myself.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Lunch time sex

We swapped a few texts yesterday. I had an errand to run for work so organised to have lunch at home with the wife while I was out and about. 

Ended up having sex.  Well mutual masturbation actually.  Started with lunch and I mused over whether to not mention it or ask for some physical interaction.  If the councillor is right and I am pushing her away then maybe I should just wank away.  However she was dressed in her gym gear including a very short and in my view sexy skirt.  So I figured I would suggest doing something. 

I suggested that we hop on the bed and I put on some plastic pants.  The idea in my mind was that if she did not want me inside her then that would give her that space.  A benefit for me was feeling her in her sexy tight gym clothes and of course the enjoyment of plastic.  The down side for her was that it is not straight sex and as far as I can see that it pretty much what she likes and anything else is seen as kinky.

We enjoyed each others company and I left her sleeping.  I hope she had a restful afternoon.

-----------------------++-----------------------
In other areas,
I went back to the gym the other night.  A new personal trainer.  He pushed me hard and I am now aching.  I read this article.  Gee I would absolutely love a young female trainer with a riding crop.  Personally the idea of a bare bottom spanking kind of does not fit but I could certainly imagine being in a public gym as the young female PT yells at me for motivation and so on. A bonus would be that we meet at home say and in front of my wife, she bends me over and lays into me with the riding crop for being lazy or weak with the diet.  It would of course be nice for her to strut around the gym with the riding crop but trying to imagine what could really happen here.
http://strictjuliespanks.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/personal-trainer-getting-interesting.html?zx=b6665435ec41628

I know it is not morally correct but almost ran into the car in front as a girl from a private school walked along the foot path in a very short sports skirt.  Short black bike pants just visible under it.  When I went to school that was quite normal but these days they tend to either wear culottes or just plain bike pants.

At home last night, we are preparing to host a billet for school.  There was maintenance to do.  Cleaning too saw me on the vacuum cleaner.  There are light bulbs to change and some tap washers too.  I think she has tasked me to remove the grime from the bath room.  I think I will try the high pressure water cleaner.  Interesting to muse on the idea of a guy cleaning the bath room.  In a misogynistic way a historically female job yet can obviously be done by a guy and in a guy way.  High pressure water.  Mind you I may need to mop the rest of the house if it gets out of control.



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Mariage counselling

Well we are having some marriage counselling.  I asked my wife to find someone.  I figured if she found the person then she might not feel so much that I have corralled her into taking such advice.

In my opinion my wife is ridiculously over committed and that in turn takes her interest away from the marriage.

Yesterday I had a session on my own with the counsellor.  Female.  About my age maybe a couple of years older (50 to 55).

One topic discussed was sex.  The counsellor reckons that I am pushing my wife away and she seeks satisfaction in all these other activities she gets involved with.

I in turn think she gets involved with these and abandons me.

Either way a vicious circle.

The counsellor discussed masturbation and has said "My sexual pleasure is my responsibility".  ie if I want to wank away then that is great.  She was quite clear that when it comes to marriage there is no such thing as "duty".

I felt it was all a bit pointless. 

I said I thought masturbation is wrong because is selfish.  I said that yes it is hard not not orgasm and that I needed my wifes help to abstain and she said stop bothering her.  Basically have a wank and get on with your life. 

On the other hand, last night, no sex on my part.  Did not even bring up the topic.  But at one stage my wife was in tears because (in my opinion) she is involved in so many activities that she can not give any of them the attention they need so things are falling apart.

In one organisation, people have been resigning and now some of the remaining stalwarts have chosen a really bizarre path because they don't want to resign but nor do they want to organise the activity that the group was created to do.  In another there are some interpersonal issues and the list goes on.

Anyway that is probably not what you lot want to read about.




Friday, April 26, 2013

This morning, had a shower and....

This morning, had a shower and walked back into our bed room with my towel around my waist.  Wife accosts ( :)  ) me.  Kisses me and after a moment rips the towel off me so I am starkers and she is in her nightie.
I push the door closed.
We grind against each other.
I suggest that I lie face down on the bed and she rub herself on me.
She goes for it.
We lie there and she cums (She is on her period so wearing panties and a pad).
I suggest that she get a plastic bag and she does.
She returns with the bah and I lie on my back.  She sucks me a bit which is both nice and also disappointing because I do not get hard.  Old.  Fragile.  I guess.
She slips the bag on and then gets on top and grinds again and cums.  I almost cum.
She lies face down and I grind against her bum (she is wearing panties) and I cum.
We lie together for a few moments.
She said "How did you know"
I said "Know what"
She said "To lie on the bed and that I (wife) wanted to rub on you"
I said: "I just hoped"

Then it is up and the day has started.


If only every day started as positively.

What I really liked was that she started this.  She grabbed me.  Was mildly aggressive.  It was fun to be fully nude while she was clothed.  It was fun that she came.  I was not game to ask to cum because if I do I start to wish she would say no or put some condition on it but she rarely does.

So there we go.  Not the overt super dom sub thing that I suspect most readers would like but my life anyway.

I hope anyone reading this has a really great day.  (subbing or domming of course)



Tuesday, April 23, 2013

wet the bed

Woke up just after 4am.  A vivid dream.  At some random place in the toilet / showers.  There was some rule that you had to pee in the shower but the arrangement of the building was such that you sort of had to stand in the doorway of the large communal shower and pee otherwise the people in the building opposite could see you.  So dreamed I was peeing and because of the need to watch the sight lines it was taking forever.  Suddenly woke up realized I was peeing in bed.  Bizarre.


Interestingly I have had a fair bit of chocolate lately.  Made a few chocolate milks in the last week and then yesterday on the way to work I dropped into Coles and bought detergent and a family sized block of chocolate.  Around 4pm feeling sleepy at work and indulged in about 3 rows of that block of chocolate.  Very naughty.  I wonder if that contributed to the dream.  I very rarely dream so this was quite unusual.

She probably thinks I have done it deliberately because I have from time to time had a fetish for plastic pants and so on. 

Given the sort of stuck in the water nature of our relationship right now, I do not think this was a good thing.  Anyway....

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

on hold

For a while, just giving up on the overt submission thing.
Have suggested to the wife that we get some marriage counselling.
She has made a booking.  I was keen for her to select the counsellor.
I would love to be submissive to her but it needs to be in a context of building the relationship not just doing it because it is the only avenue left to get any intimacy from her.

Basically I feel that her attention is elsewhere.  I have donated my sperm and provided a house.  My usefulness is over.

I feel she needs to have some attention on family and especially our personal interactions.  But there is never any time for that.  She has her life so totally filled up with good and important commitments that there is no room for me.

I do not see submission as equating to weaselling.

I see submission as strength and I am prepared to put in a lot of effort but I need to see some degree of engagement from her.

So we will see how we go.

------------------------------------------------------
Obviously there are "subs" who journal their lives on the internet and these seem to be mainly those who get a sexual kick out of submission (as I do).  But there are those who submit to others.  I am think here of typically some Christian wives.  Possibly from generations past.  I have had great admiration for some of the older women in churches who have devoted / read submitted themselves and dedicated their lives to supporting and being submitted to their husbands.  Respected by their husbands.  Admired by their husbands.  But a cost to their personal ..... freedom, time and so on.  Times when they have had to sacrifice their own personal aspirations in order to go with their husbands. 

Now swap the sexes round.  I am prepared to submit to my wife.  To put aside my personal aspirations but simply to be ignored or in order to fight for attention.



Thursday, April 11, 2013

getting into a submissive headspace and other musings

Following on from recent posts, sort of freewheeling at the moment.  The wife and most of the kids are away on holiday and I am home with one of the kids.

So not much practical submission or submissiveness going on.

So this blog positing of more of a philosophical thinking out loud kind of thing that I may add to during the day.

Submissive Role Models
It seems that submissive role models fall into the fallowing groups
  1. People who submit based on religious conviction.  For example the 'traditional' idea that wives in the Christian church would submit to their husbands.
  2. People who are submissive and get (sexual?) gratification out of being overtly submissive AND for whom being spanked ir otherwise physically punished is something they like.

Is there anything in between?
What about a person who does not get aroused by being spanked but is willing to be spanked or hit or suffer some kind of physical abuse? because that excites their partner.  ie their partner is a sadist but they themselves are not a masochist. ?

What about a person who is submissive in the sense that they are willing to do whatever their other half commands them to do but for whom the idea of physical punishment is totally wrong or even punishment at all per se.  ie they are willing to submit to instructions but take the view that one adult should not punish another?

Getting into a submissive head space
For me getting into a submissive head space is nice and I like that.  I feel comfortable in there.  I find that being spanked helps me get there.





Monday, April 8, 2013

Monday update

It is interesting to note that consistent with "panyslave's" comment against one of my recent postings that things tend to go a bit awry after an orgasm.

So I think as per previous comments of mine that when it comes to sex that my wife is not really driven that way.

So we have a bit of a disconnect.  My being a typical boy - sexually driven.  She on the other hand gets fulfilment from doing good works.  Sometimes I am the recipient of those good works and often others are and that creates a sense of abandonment for me.

So we will see where we go from here.

I guess not much of interest for those readers who come at this wanting the wife to be the overt dominatrix boss and the hubby to cower in the corner.

Have to work out how to communicate what I want anyway.

Friday, April 5, 2013

A moody night and sex again in the morning

Last night I awoke 3am ish.  Middle of the night.

I felt quite depressed & angry.
Had a bit of a mid night dummy spit.
Worried about lack of orders at work.
Frustrated at the wife's busyness.
bla bla bla.

Wife pointed out that I had had sugar the night before.  We have been quite conscientiously been trying to have our family on a low sugar diet but last night, chocolate pudding, cream and ice cream.  whamo.

Went back to sleep.

In the morning - cuddling including some painful nipple pinching that got me hard and eventually she said "put a plastic bag on".
Well a short delay while the cat was put out.  It had somehow found it's way onto our bed.
Then she said lie on your tummy.
This seems to have become a favourite of hers. she hopped on top and rubbed herself as I humped the bed.  Sounds weird / crude / childish (not sure how to describe it) when one writes it like that.
I got close and I asked permission to cum.
She said no then yes.
on the no I paused and she later told me that she was enjoying my movement and the pause meant that she may not have cum.

We therefore both came.
Lay beside each other holding hands (how nice)
Got up.
got to work late.  tut tut.

..............................................................................''''''''''...............................................................

So what is happiness?
How much behaviour should be forced and how much should be in response to others.

Do I feel better when being overtly submissive ala during my period of abstinence?
My wife does not seem to be overtly dominant (controlling - yes) but to some degree she plays at it to entertain me.  Topping from the bottom?






Thursday, April 4, 2013

sex this morning

We had sex this morning.
She initiated it.  That was nice.  She started rubbing me and then pinched my breasts.  That got me interested.

She got on top.  Tried to get me inside her but I was dry.  I said there is lube in the draw.  At first she appeared to ignore me and I let it go.  I figured she knows and she does not need me to remind her.  I think she likes to take her time to work herself on.  But she eventually went for the lube.  With me inside her and her on top, she instructed me to put one hand on her back and the other on her bum.  She also said to move a lot.  So I did.  It was nice to know what she wanted.  She came and then relaxed on top of me.  Then she said she wanted me to cum.  She rolled us over so I was on top.  I came as instructed and enjoyed it.  :).

---------------------------||-------------------------------------------------------

Program on the radio discussing how kids get a good proportion of their sex ed from porn.
http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/lifematters/pornography-and-the-young-1/4605528

And the vast majority of porn is effectively male domination of women.

When one thinks about it, the "traditional" message that kids got was one of men put women first.  You know open doors, ladies first, give her your coat if she is cold and so on.  Abstain till marriage and then she has to give him sex whenever he wants it.  That message was one of sacrifice and respect.  The porn message is one of man drives harder and the woman somehow seems to enjoy it but turns out only on TV.  But that is the message the kids are getting. 




Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Free wheeling

Hmm feeling a bit directionless right now.

Had the orgasm.

With the benefit of hindsight over my life that is.  Not just the last 40 days.  I think that we put too much store on orgasm.  It is the KPI of sex and sex seems to have become the KPI of relationships.

Yet look at a good TV series.  That will have sexual tension and that keeps us interested.  Will X have it off with Y.  But once they do then .... well its all over.  The interest is gone and the series is over.

I look back on my sex life and I see boring.

Sounding a bit moody here.

If the expectations built on kids were ones of less orgasm and more flirting, more teasing, more working out what worked for the other person then maybe we would have a lower divorce rate.  More kids with two parents.  More adults who are used to working it out rather than whipping it out.

But these days the advice to kids seems to be there is no harm in wanking away.  Don't put up with physical pressure.  Give into that and when the going gets hard in all areas of life, just move to the easy ground, the things you as an individual like.  The kids grow up with facebook where people "like" them.  But they do not get paired up one on one and have to work out what works for each other.

Also interesting to look back on just the last 40 days and realise that I think during that time I became a lot more "submissive" in terms of just letting my wife's decisions just flow on.  Things that would once have really annoyed me I just let pass.  I note a couple of times in the last few days that I got angry once again.  So I am in a way out of that submissive head space.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

OK had an orgasm

We went camping over the Easter Break.  Before we left she said to bring a plastic bag & a condom.  She had already said it would be Easter Sunday.

It was all a little clinical actually.  She was on her period.  I have never been into sex with er when she is on her period and I don't think she was too keen on it either.

Saturday night, actually sunday morning we got into our tent after midnight.  As we were walking toward the tent she made comment that it was Sunday.  So I had my hopes up.  Alas not to be.  She said she was tired and went off to sleep.  In the morning she said to put the plastic bag on.  I did of course.  Rubbed.  Came.  Well it was an orgasm.  Almost a let down actually.  There was no teasing.  Being in a tent limited opportunities so we had to keep it quiet.

Now we are back home.  She is sleeping.  I wonder where we will go from here.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Can I touch your breasts - no

We are practicissing minimal overt sexual touch.  Basically just huggs and kisses.
In bed this morning I ask
"Can I touch your breasts"
her answer: " no"

I am hopeful for Monday

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Update on abstinance

So last night went really well.
We are into the 6th week of abstinence and have moved to minimising sexual contact.

I went to bed and she kept working.
She came to bed.
There was no groping.  Just a quick hug and kiss and off to sleep.
I hope that has opened space for her.

This morning I woke at 5am.  I could not remember what time she wanted to be woken.  She stirred I said it's 5am I forgot what time you wanted to be woken.  She said that's fine.  I hugged her and we lay in bed.  I said "may I touch your breasts" and she said "No remember what we are practicing this week"  agh I said.  She said "intimacy with hugs and kisses like can be done in public"

We had a short discussion.  Mentioned overt leadership and that I wold like her to tell me to do things not just ask.
During it I said I felt I should be whipped for forgetting what time she wanted to be woken.  Not really expecting her to do it and she didn't but just to communicate to her that I want to be focussed on her.
That discussion was all over in a couple of minutes as the day had begun.
Now I am at work.

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Rape

I understand that legally a woman can say "no" at any time during sex and if the man continues after that then it is rape.

I recall reading that in the paper once and thinking 'how unfair'.  I envisaged a situation where she wants him.  She entices him and she gets him in bed and then once he is inside her she says 'no' he keeps going and she cry's rape and he gets arrested.  I felt that was so unfair. 

I was just thinking about that the other day and while in the context of our current legal environment his going to jail I do not think is an appropriate punishment, I now think that men should approach sex knowing that the woman is in charge and that they should only ejaculate if she expressly gives permission and that she can call on him to stop at any moment and that he should comply.

Imagine if boys were taught this.  Taught to respect and to look after the needs of women.  taught that sex was primarily for her pleasure.  Imagine if boys learned to control those physical urges.  What a better place the world would be.

A very useful engine
I love that phrase from Thomas the tank engine.
I want to be a very useful engine.
Mind you I want my wife to be the controller but I would rather she not be the "Fat controller".  BTW she isn't.  Fat that is.  Hopefully becoming more controlling.

Memories
I wonder how far back.
When I think back I am sure that I was kinky and submissive as far back as I can remember.
Memories include
Wearing very short shorts and feeling quite exposed.  even though short shorts were in for boys in the 70's, my mum had bought me a pair of dress shorts.  They had a belt.  they were light blue and white checks.  had basically zero leg length.  I recall taking a deep breath each time I wore them.  I was 15 at the time.
From as young as I can remember being fascinated by kids that wet the bed.  I would always (I guess that makes in an obsession) check my friends beds to see if they had a plastic mattress cover.  This was pre the days of pull ups but I found several kids who wore plastic pants and one friend who's parents used to at 14 and 15 make him wear plastic pants when they went out as a family.  I was so jealous secretly but shocked and sorry for him all at the same time.














Monday, March 25, 2013

6th week of abstinance

Last night she was working working late past 11pm and I was lying in bed and trying not to get grumpy but it was Sunday night and there was a degree of expectation on my part for some attention.  But I did not want to pester.  I know begging is a part of BDSM kinky stuff but really she is not there and just begging directly for her attention is to me demeaning.  I am not a late night person so this has the double whammy of then being tired the next day.

Anyway around 11:30pm I heard her shut down her computer and walk into the kitchen.  She came into our room and said take off your shirt and lie on your tummy.  She then started to trace out something wet on my back.  She asked me what she had drawn but I could not work it out.    Then she licked it off.  Ahh that was nice.

Then she said roll over.  So I was lying there on my back and she drew it again.  This time I could see my initials a heart and her initials in chocolate body paint.

Then she said roll over on your tummy.  Then she got on top and ground against me and we moved up and down.  I enjoyed feeling her naked breasts pressed down on my bare back.  I enjoyed the feeling that in a way she was 'just using me for sex'  I was careful not to get too close to the edge.  She came and relaxed on top of me.  It was good.  I smiled.  She rolled off and lay beside me.

I asked if she wanted to sleep or talk.
She said right now she was wide awake but that it was going to be a busy week and there may not be a chance to go.  So we talked (some more detail below) and then she said she was going to sleep and off she went.

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Thoughts and a bit more detail....

Well a week to go.  I have abstained from orgasm since the start of lent 5 weeks ago.

On the physical side today my balls are aching. There have been one or two times during the last 5 weeks where they ached for a while.  A couple of hours and then the feeling has past.  I guess it is to be expected that my body has to react to the physical pressure that presumably has built up.

On the mental side - I seemed to have gotten over the feeling of gee I must do sex or loose it. 

On the relationship side, I think we have gotten closer together.  Last night she asked my opinion about doing some kind of gym instructors course.  I was al ready to say it is your decision.  She was quite clear she wanted my opinion.  So I said that I felt she was too busy and that it was a weekend day during the school holidays and that I felt that time should be available for our kids.  She then said upon reflection she will not do the course on that weekend.  We then had a discussion about leadership, HOH and so on.  She said she appreciated that I did not just give her a lecture and she said she liked to work together on making decisions.  This has been a common theme of hers for many years.  I said yes but note that in the end you (her) made the decision.

On the sex side - She has had more orgasms in the last couple of weeks than I think she had in the last year.  She has taken to having me lie down and getting on top and rubbing herself against me.  She has also on one possibly two occasions recently had me put on a couple of condoms (to reduce the chance of stimulation and orgasm for me) and then had me inside her.  She knows I like that.  But the new thing not driven by anything I have suggested is the grinding against me until she orgasms.  I think that by there being no chance for me to orgasm that this has created space for her to enjoy herself.

Another highlight (if you  like) was her saying that she now understood that men don't need release.

The next week leading up to easter is going to be very very  busy. 

She knows and I do too that I tend to get grumpy if I don't get acknowledgement and attention.  Even a painful whipping is to me a communication of love.  My love languages are physical touch and quality time. 

We also know that going cold turkey on the orgasm thing has opened up some space in the relationship.  It has taken some encouragement from her and some drive from me but we both believe the relationship is calmer and more fulfilling.

So with 1 week to go and that week being super super busy for her we are going to try a new thing.  No physical sexual touching when she comes to bed.

The idea is for her to be able to come to bed late and just fall asleep.  For me the challenge is to not lie in bed hoping for something and getting grumpy because she is otherwise engaged.

We have talked that after the next orgasm that it is not that we will necessarily set another period of abstinence but that we should be able to progress sex to the point where I orgasm from time to time at her choosing.

So that combined with the exercise of no sexual touching for the next week is supposed to open more space.  She said that it will mean that we must be more intentional about having plenty of quick hugs and kisses and smiles for each other.

That way hopefully we will move into a relationship where I don't get frustrated and she feels free to enjoy or to be busy and not be thinking she has to perform.  So there could be a wider set of experiences from no physical touching at all through physical touching through orgasm for her and finally orgasm for me.  Hopefully some tease and denial and some kinky stuff for me along the way.

I am both apprehensive and excited.  Because I really hate getting grumpy.  I hate lying in bed at night feeling frustrated and angry.

I do enjoy it when she gives me attention freely and when she is enjoying it. 

So lets see how we go.








Sunday, March 24, 2013

Palm sunday

I obviously go in mood cycles.

I don't mind that there has been less physical stuff.  We are in a resonant peak of busyness right now and I do know that she was thinking of me.  When we were in bed last night she said "I would like to do something for / to you but I don't know what to do"

I think she had been working through kinky things that I had said I enjoyed but had run out of ideas.  This worries me because I would like ..... but of course it is not supposed to be about what I would like.  :)

I think (bit of a worry that) that her method of leadership is different to what I would like.

I also worry that at the moment we are a bit like the current Australian labour party with leadership issues.  By that I mean, when I was the notional HOH, my wife "lead" by doing whatever she wanted anyway.  But now that she is the HOH, she does not really know how to overtly lead. 

I think it will take time.

I think she will take time to gain confidence to lead and to know that she can lead overtly without having to worry about a negative reaction from me.

But during this period there will be some frustration and from time to time a feeling of leaderlessness.

I think the challenge for me is to have patience and to just give support continuously.

Friday, March 22, 2013

oh wow

I received the text from my wife.
I went home
She said do you want lunch or discipline first.
I said "I would prefer to do the discipline first"

We went into the bed room and she said to get the ropes out.  She then said she was going to turn on the radio so the neighbours dont hear anything.  While I tied them to the legs of the bed, she went and turned on the radio in the lounge. 

I took off my clothes and put on my boxers.  I put two pillows in the middle of the bed and lay over them.  She tied me spread eagle.

She took the electrical chord out of the bed side table draw.  Then she said "Did you (me) lock the back door"  I said "I don't remember".  She gave me one whip across my backside then put down the chord and went to check.  When she came back she gave me about another 10.  Wow that hurt. 

Then she said I want you to count them.  I counted.  1...10.  then she went round the otherside of the bed and did another 10.  So we were at 20.  Then she came back and stood at the corner  of the bed and layed a few on at a bit of an abnle.  That was a bit different.  Then a few from the other corner and finally back to the first side of the bed.  We were at 40.  She stopped.

She asked what I was feeling and I said good.  I felt submissive.  I felt sorry for the times I had forced her into doing things.  She said do you need more and I said yes.  She went and got the fishing rod and hit me with that.  I said what were we up to and said 31 then 41.  She did 5 on each side with the fishing rod and then went back to the cord.  We were at 51.  Then we got to 60 and she paused and then one more with the cord and she said "That was for loosing count"

wow.

She left me tied face down.

She went and made lunch.

It did not take long for my elbows to start acheing.

Then she came an untied me.
I dressed.
Had lunch.
Talked a bit about the two being one and the need for harmony in the family and she mentioned that youngest daughter had apparatly confided to my wife that she thought mummy and daddy might be going to break up.  I said that is why I am submitting because our family needs unity.  We hugged.

I went back to work.
here I am updating my blog (naughty me).
Feeling great though.  None of the down feeling of the beginning of the day.

Deep breath

My wife and I had arranged to meet the fellow who does out tax submission each year.

I turn up and a few minutes later my wife arrived with the paperwork.

Wearing pants.  Deep breath because early in our marraige she had at my request worn skirts and dresses most of the time and it had become a point of issue.  Then of course has followed some years of emotional nothingness and perhaps passive agression on her part leading up to me deciding to be submissive to her.  But she had continued to wear skirts.  I knew the day would come and I had mentioned to her that as she was now in charge that she should feel free to wear whatever she wanted.  I had also confessed to her that it would be emotional for me to see her wearing them.  I had said that I would prefer her to put on pants and to whip me while she wore them.  To reinforce the issue and to put me in a submissive headspace. so that when she did wear them I would have already gotten over it. 

So today here she is in pants.  Deep breath.  I live with it.

Then while we are speaking to the accountant she says "I would like to buy a beach house".  No consulting with me.  I don't think we can afford that but I wasn't asked.  Another deep breath.  Try not to shrink back in my seat too noticably.

After the meeting she said "expect a text calling you home for a whipping"

She is going shopping and as she leaves the last shop before lunch she will text me and I am to meet her at home.  Deep breath.

Just feeling down

No reason really.  Just selfish I guess.

But this blog is to record all my feelings.

Have just had a week of highs.  Today is a low.  I guess rough and the smooth.

She well we are both super busy right now.  Too many commitments.  Unfortunately that energises her but leaves her tired and so sex and intimacy reduce.

Last night we had a kiss good night that may have lasted for 30 seconds.

Then I was a good boy.  Lay still.  Let her sleep. 

This morning we did spend out 15 minutes cuddling and she stroked my penis and we talked a bit.  So I I am being selfish to a degree. 

But feeling down none the less.

Bought a big coffee on the way to work to try to help cheer me up.  It is going to be a stressful day at work. 

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May think of something more to muse on later in the day.
Hope you guys and girls have a wonderful day.
Write me something titilating.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A quiet Thursday update

This is the busy time of the week for my wife so it is not expected that we will engage in much "sexual" activity.  In "sexual" I include much of my kink / fem dom desires etc etc etc.

Last night I worked a bit late, came home, over ate, had two glasses of wine, fell asleep (bad me) on the couch.  She therefore had to clean up the kitchen, put kids to bed and then do her preparation for today.  maybe she should have spured me into action but I think that also I really should be more self motivated.  OK bad me.  :)

One of the purposes of this blog is to me reflect on my own behaviour and feelings and work out how to be better next time.

As a self observation, I tend to fall asleap after alcohol so I think I really need to not drink or work out a way to stay awake if I have a glass or two.

The other thing that results in falling asleap is over eating.  Last Sunday I was a bit ill and most of this week I have been eating very little and looking back, much more awake.  Last night.  Two lots of rice and stew.  Tummy over full.  This leads to sleep.  We all know (or should know) that we (sweeping generalisation here) all eat far too much.  I believe that for longest life, one should actually quite severely restrict ones food intake. Perhaps that should be a personal goal.

We did have a nice quick cuddle last night when she did come to bed.  Less than 5 minutes.  Good points were that she had told me in advance that it would be quick.  The next good point was that she was nice and direct.  Told me OK thank you now time to sleep.  The third point is that because I am abstaining from orgasm.  There is zero possibility of sex.  So I do not lie in bed feeling frustrated because I did not get sex. 

It is 5 weeks now and the pressure seems to have tapered off.  My body and importantly my mind have gotten used to it.  So yes I do get turned on from time to time especially if I see a good looking girl or if my wife engages physically with me but there are quite long periods where I am not hard on.  Also I had a lot of thoughts that were along the lines of "will I loose the ability"  Sort of worrying thoughts.  Now yes there is the "worry" that I may not be able to do it but those thoughts are becomming less intense and also being replaced with more thoughts of well does it really matter and also recognition of how fulfilling some of the other personal physical interactions are.  With no pressure to have sex, she seems willing to speak my love language (a bit of kink and pain) and I am of course focussed on her - gentle words of encouragement and gentle physical touch and I am doing this in a way that is not trying to goad her into sex and on her side she is not feeling the need to have sex.  Hope that makes sense.

Actually last night she did say "Would I do 6 weeks again".  Of course I said yes and then I corrected myself and said "I understand that you really like it when we cum together" So it would seem that maybe we should work out how we can do things so we have the benefit of no pressure for sex but if things have worked out such that you are turned on and you do wish me to orgasm that you can decide to let me.  If that makes sense.

I think what I am hoping for is that there will be times when she will orgasm and I wont and that there will also be times when she tells me she wants me to orgasm with her. 

I am hoping that I can stay in this mindset where I do not expect sex from her nor push her into giving me sex.  I also hope she realises that men do not need relief.  When she used to give me sex because she felt I needed relief, it used to leave me feeling weak.  It was in reality quite unsatisfying sex for both of us.  You just have to look back a few months in this blog to see me expressing such feelings.

So a bit over a week to go until orgasm.
Condoms to be purchased by me.  That will be interesting.  In the past she has bought them.  But now that responsibility has been handed to me.   

Focus points for me:
  • Eat less, Drink Less
  • Appreciate my wife - Do something for her each day.
  • Do my home duties!!!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Are you appropriately attired?

Butt plug, A text message, Nippled pinched, sex with her on top and a whipping all in a night.

Where to start....
Well I went home yesterday for lunch as aranged.  Lunch was just a nice together time.  Eat and talk.  No sex.  But I left with a "lets see what happens tonight" comment.

Last night, my wife is getting ready to go out.  She tells me when she leaves that I should go and put the butt plug in.  She also says later we will try the chop sticks.

On one of our few visits to an "adult shop" we bought a butt plug for me.  It is pretty small but it was a huge step for us.  It is rarely used so this was a real treat for her to instruct me to put it in without me asking.

Off she goes and I get into the chores.  Kitchen to clean up, kids to help with home work and read and pray with, a bed to make.  Somewhere in all of that she sent me a text message although because I was busy I did not realise it had come in.  It said "Are you appropriately attired?"

I read it just as she came home.  So I was able to say to her "just read your text and the answer is yes :)"

After sorting out one kid so they were all in bed she said to me "what duty have you forgotton?".
Oh oops.  I strain my brain but come up with nothing.  Absolutely loving the fact that she is being authoratative.  She calmly said "bins".  Now it has been my job since we were first married to put the rubbish bins out for collection.  Even when the roles were reversed with me as the hoh or trying to be at the start of the marriage.

"Come into the bed room and we will put the chopsticks on and then you can go and do the bins"

wow

I am in the bed room and she says take off your shirt.
She has two chop sticks and she has snapped them in half so each half is about 3 inches long (76mm for those of us of the metric persuasion).  She wrapped a elastic band around one end binding two sticks together.  Then she put that "V" construction over my right tit and squeezed it closed and started to wrap the elastc band around to hold the other ends together.  Holy .... that hurt.  I breathed calmly and tried to relax.  Tensing up made it hurt more.  Then I suggested that we put the elastic bands around both ends of the other two sticks first and then pull them apart and put them over the nipple.  We did that but it turned out in hindsight that her approach worked better.  There was a lot off fiddling trying to pull the nipple through and not as much was pinched and in the end the right nipple hurt a lot more.

Then she sent me off to do the bins and she told me of some garden clippings and branches that had to go in.  Wow.  Every movement I had to be careful.  The sticks would be moved around by my shirt.  When I strained to break the garden clippings it hurt more so I had to be careful.  Even walking was an exercise in focus.  Eventually I had the bins out.  Came inside and she said she had some work to do and would be in bed shortly so if I had anything else to do I should do it.  I cleaned up.  I changed out of my work clothes and into a tee shirt to sleep in.  Now that was hard.  It kept catching on the sticks and gee my nipples were tender.  Almost brought tears to my eyes.

I turned back the bed, got water, turned off the lights round the house and hopped into bed and lay there.  On my back.  Nice and still.  Breathing slowly.

She came to bed.  We talked.  That was great.  She asked if it was painful and I said "yes" and she asked if it had hurt to put the tee shirt on and I told her how it would catch on the sticks.  We kissed.  So intense.

Then she said OK time to take them off and she also said that she would be going to sleep pretty quickly and there would not be much time playing.

Another rush of pain as she took them off.  The left tit, already tender prooved harder to remove and she fiddled about and waves of pain rushed across my chest.

When they were both off she asked if they were tender and gave each a little squeeze and I said yes but please feel free to torture me.  I must be what I believe is called a 'pain slut'.

Then she said "go to sleep Dont wake me"

The alarm is set for 5:45am.  As the clock ticks over to 5:30am I snuggle up to her and she stirs and I say "I's 5:30 can we snuggle and play" She says "Ok for 15 minutes but then she really has to get up".  We snuggle a bit and I say I would love to put it inside her and have her cum.  She said that I was probably too close to the edge.  Then she got up and went to the toilet.  When she came back she said put on a condom.

I said can we try it with two and she said 'yes'.
So I rummaged round in the draw and found two condoms.  Put the first on and then the second.  It was bright red.  I hopped on top and tried to push in gently.  Finally in and she rolled us over.  Then she pulled off and said it was painful.  She said to put on some lube.  I did that and we tried again.  She said that she was tender from the first attempt.  She positioned herself differently and we started to move.  With two condoms on I could move a lot more and trust up as she came down so it was the most animated sex we had had for ages.  Normally this much movement by me and I cum then its all over for her - no chance.  But today she orgasmed and relaxed back and then lay beside me.  (I had not cum).  Then she pinched me on the nipple (they are still tender) and said "I have to get up its almost 6" and with that the day began.

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Personal reflections

Somewhere in the last day she said she was trying to work through the list of things I had said that titilate / turn me on.  Wonderful to see her putting in such effort for me.  The challenge now is of course for me to lift my game.  To consciously speak her love languages.  In that regard, I have been gently in speach and action.  Kissing and touching her gently and also saying nice words and trying to restrain myself if I get grumpy.

Comdoms- You can see how they are a girl thing.  I recall early in our marriage that I did not like them because they dulled the sensations.  Yet now that is exactly what makes for better sex for her.  Once we get away from the idea that a guy needs to cum then they enhance sex for her. 

We did talk at some stage about how she felt inflicting pain on me and she said that she did not feel good about it but that she knew that it was exciting me. 

We also talked about me asking to go to the toilet.  She said that she has to deal with that at school with kids asking to go. Basically to get out of doing some school work and she tells them to hold it until break time.  I said that I was not trying to be a kid and I reminded her that when I was trying to be the leader that I tried to get her to ask my permission just to demonstrate submission.  Making a sacrifice for the other.  She said 'no' it was too much like little kids in school.  So I guess good and bad there.  Being told when to go and when to hold would be good for me keeping a submissive mindset.  On the other hand when you need to go it can getuncomfortable. 

So I guess in a way I am topping from the bottom.  But we are expanding our horizons and hopefully bring us back closer together and making our time together more fulfilling.