Thursday, June 30, 2011
Last few days I have not helped as I should or even as I would like to do. (Not washed up, cleaned up supported etc).
Last night my wife came to me and showed me a puple sock. Now even I know that said sock used to be white. It would appear that the load of washing I did the other day was done by me throwing all the dirty washing in and not checking that there was a wet purple shirt in there from a previous load. It had been washed by her on its own because it runs.
Now at the very least I should have listened. Putting all kinky submissive stuff aside. I should have listened. Adding my desire to be submissive in then I should have listened.
But I didn't.
Then she went away.
Then I felt down again.
This morning I said to her that I wished she would whip me for not listening last night and for not helping. I did a little confession listing off things.
She said "get the whip".
So I got it out and gave it to her. I lay on the bed and she sat beside me and whipped me. Then she said turn around face the bottom of the bed. In a way that was the best part because she was being direct and unabiguous. She whipped me some more (now on the other side so to speak). At one stage she said "stop wiggling". Nice to hear her again being direct.
I just felt clearer after it.
I felt more energised.
I went in to the kitchen and helped get the kids ready and did the washing up.
She needed to be at a meeting so I suggested to her that she go and I will stay and get the kids organised and be a little late for work.
So to me the whipping focussed me and made me better and I hope she found that to be the case.
It is funny sitting here at work with a bit of a tingle in my backside and although the wipping was not as hard as I am sure many of you have experienced, there are still raised welts on my backside that I can feel when I run my hand across my buttocks and feel when I sit.
So here is to me trying to be good.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I take it that her perspective is that submissive equates to childish.
Now I would say that there are elements of truth in that I do not want to make decisions on things. I just want her to tell me do X or do Y. But once told, I will do. Unlike a child who would winge, put off etc.
I suspect that some would say that being submissive means that I should preempt her desires and thoughts and 'do' whatever even before being asked.
For example, doing the washing. One school of thought I believe is that I should just do it and the other school of thought is that if she asks, then do it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Perhaps it was because we had sex that I do not feel so .....
I mentioned to my wife this morning as we were waking that it has been a while since she whipped me. I said it makes me feel good and reinforces my feelings toward her being in charge. Left it at that.
I guess I also recall the phrase "Be careful what you ask for... It may become reality".
I wonder how I would handle it if she did become overtly in control, bossy and using cororal punishment on me. I mean severe such that it was not just a turn on but something to be feared. Would I still enjoy it or would I be a battered spouse? How would she feel? Would she do it knowingly or sort of drift into it?
I also realise as I write this that I have not been as motivated to be helpful as I am when I have been denied sex. Last night I just crashed on the couch and slept and I mean slept. Woke myself from snoring. I should have been doing washing up and reading with the kids. But I was tired and lazy and there was no real consequence awaiting me. I imagine or I wonder what I would have been like if I knew that if I did not fulfil certain tasks that I would have been severely whipped? Would I have struggled on half asleep or would I have been motivated to be wide awake and enjoying serving?
Monday, June 27, 2011
It was fun from a mental point of view as I lay there. She was on top - symbolic.
She had told me what to do - a turn on.
She was getting turned on herself - great feeling for me there too.
She came and then asked if I had cum and I said 'no because she had not told me to cum'.
She then said that if she was cumming that I should cum and that she likes us to cum together.
We lay there side by side on our backs holding hands. A bit later she said roll over and she got on my back and repeated the earlier effort and I came too. Oooh great.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Starting with boys when they are young to get them used to the idea that they are being watched and to emphasise the difference between boys and girls.
All me would wear them so if a woman was attacked then the police would look at what GPS units were at that location at the time of the attack.
At a personal level, I was thinking tat if I wore one voluntairily and showed my wife how to find my location then at all times it would make me careful about where I went because I would know she would know.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Last week my wife had me have sex with her.
At the time, I got grupy. She did not want sex nor did she get turned on.
on reflection, what I wanted was for her to be in charge yet by not accepting her decision, her gift to me I did two things.
a) did not enjoy a no strings attached Fu***k
b) gave her another reason not to believe that I wish to submit to her.
So last night I said sorry to her.
Friday, June 24, 2011
On Monday night she had sex with me. Just lay there while I Fu*'d her. At her invitation. Basically she did not want sex and figured I needed release. I felt it was lazy on her part. Made me feel weak because I had not been able to excite her or stimulate her.
Then the next few days I just felt low.
Yesterday we had a dicussion that was not going well,
Then lay together and eventually had sex.
That was quite fun because she got turned on.
This morning, I was turned on and asked if I could put on a plastic bag and masturbate and she said 'no'.
Oh I love that.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I can but dream.
That web site seems to have been written for women with labido and energy.
I crave being whipped. When it is happening, I would not describe it as enjoyable or titilating. I do not get turned on or get an erection when I am being whipped. yet I crave it. And I want it to be severe. I would love to see bruises that last a week. Pain that is unbearable. But then it is over. Not looking for continuing constant pain. Not looking for emotional pain either. Just physical.
When I do wrong, whatever wrong is...
Losing my temper, losing keys, forgetting to do something, swearing.... the list goes on.
Then I wish my wife would whip me.
Now its not a case of abuse. She is not beating me into submission. I voluntarilly want this.
Why I wonder as I engage in yet more self evaluation.
I lead people at work.
I can organise, I am a professional.
Yet at home I seek to submit to my wife.
and I seek physical punishment.
I typed into google "why do I want to be spanked"
and almost all the hits involved men spanking women
yet when I go looking for blogs, they are almost all women leading and sometimes spanking men.
So that leaves me with some options to contemplate
a) I could try and lead. Done that. 10 years of competing with her.
b) I can just go with the flow. Not argue, be passive, do if asked. - Sounds pathetic.
c) I can actively seek out ways to do things for her and support her - Which is what I will do.
I guess though I have to get used to the idea of her leading without apearing to lead or something.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I want to submit to my wife.
For some reason, the women just are not interested.
It seems to me that they are
not interested in sex,
not interested in men submitting,
not interested in being in control,
at the same time, they are in control.
They just don't admit it.
I just don't get it.
Maybe that is the way women want it?
Monday, June 20, 2011
What should it say I wonder.
Like maybe I should say the old traditional vows that a wife would once have said
"I will love, honour and obey ..."
I wonder if others have done this and what they have said.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
I forgot the bread.
Now this is not a big deal. But it did anoy me that I had forgotton to do something she asked me to do. I want to be focussed on her and to be thinking of her. Actually one of the things about no sex is that I think more and more about her.
I got home and realised the bread was forgotton and she said "that's OK, the kids can have tuckshop today".
Later my wife and I were driving together and I told her that I was disapointed in myself for forgetting the bread. We discussed how it was no big deal and I said that it was not that it was bread that was forgotton that was the disapointment for me. It was that I had forgotton to do something that she had asked me to do. I said I would like her to whip me tonight. She said "OK"
She is still not comfortable with the concept of punishing me but she does understand that I wish to "better myself" and that having a coach or mentor or advisor person can help with personal development. She does I think sort of understand that having a 'cost' as well as a 'reward' is a good thing. Carrott and stick. In my case literally physical pain is a good stick.
Time passed and after the kids were in bed and she was getting ready for her long weekend away with the girls and I was dog tired but I asked what I could do to help. The bed had a huge pile of clothes spread on it ready to be packed and there were half sorted things in the kitched and so on. She got me onto one task and I complted it and then she asked me to do another.
I mentioned would she punish me for forgetting and she just said mater o factly yes we had better do that. I was not wishing to distract her and was wishing to do everything I could to help her so I had been holding off aking her. I also figured it would wake me up and make helping easier. I said to make it quick how about 6 or 10 really hard stroked rather than taking too much time out of your getting ready.
So I put on some boxers and lay on the bed. She took the chord and whipped me pretty hard about 6 times (i loose count) then went round the other side of the bed as she does and did another 6 - 10. Ther were harder but I really wish she would do it excruisiatingly hard and leave bruises. Sounds weird. But at least she had done it. I felt like that 'foretting episode' was in the past and I was also now wide awake.
Helped her pack. Got into bed. Did not even attempt to initiate anything sexual. She rolled onto her tummy and asked me to massage her. Which I did. I did not attempt to entice her sexualluy becacuse I think she would have just found that anoying as she is focussed on her weekend away and we had agreed that I was not getting release until mid next week at the earliest.
I wonder though as I do, whether she is whipping me as a sort of sexual reward for me that does not involve having sex. By this I mean that for the first 10+ years of marriage, she would never deny me sex. If I asked she would comply even waking her up at 4am for a quickie. Never complained but it became stale. She never reached orgasm and I think basically gave up on sex. Now since I have submitted to her and started to focus on her enjoyment, she has reached orgasm a number of times and often several times in the one night.
At one stage, she went through a phase of feeling like she had to perform for me, but we seem to have gotten over that. Partly because I am getting better at self control. At not snuggling up to her and hinting or asking for sex and then saying only if you want it or don't let me cum till you have. This just pressurises her to reach orgasm but in fact makes it harder for her to reach orgasm. So now I think she knows that if she feels turned on that I am ready and waiting but that I am not pressurising her if that makes sense.
Anyway I think she sees me as a person who gains pleasure through physical touch much more than she and so even though she does not really relate to it, she is willing to whip me because I get that stimulation. Now I don't actually get turned on in the same way but it is something I crave and I also like the feeling of there being reward for being good and punishment for being well not good.
There you go.
Gee I would love feedback and comments but they seem rare even though between 700 and 900 people read this every day. Don't know what I am doing wrong to write in a way that does not entice people to comment.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So for starters, should there be any reward by the dominant of the submissive.
Should the submissive be looking for a reward from the dominant.
Should the submissive be totally and only concerned with looking after the wants and needs of the dominant.
I wonder am I substituting pain (from a whipping) for not getting orgasm from sex?
am I simply doing this to compensate for being ignored by the wife?
Is being whipped just a way to get her attention?
What mistakes do submissive men routinely make?
The typical man approaching me has erotic fantasies that involve a woman doing things to him that turn him on. Too much porn has given him a sense of being entitled to my attention and time, and little understanding of what my power entails. His focus is quite transparently on himself, and when he says he wants to serve me, he means that he will do this or that thing that turns him on. He will typically give that away almost immediately with statements like, "What will you do to me?" or "Do you want to fuck my tight virgin ass?" The answers to those questions are "nothing" and "no," respectively. Pink says it best: I'm not here for your entertainment.
I wish that more men would visit professional Dommes when they begin to explore their submissive fantasies. A good pro-Domme can scratch the itch he's feeling, but also teach him, if he has an aptitude, that scratching his itch isn't the point. A great Domme will teach him what service and submission really mean.
Maybe I need to learn from someone.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Obviously as time goes on, this posting will be further down and those who are interested will have to scroll down to see the update.
Had great sex including release for me.
In the discussion the next day (I think) she said that as we were targeting longer and longer periods of abstinance, that my next release will probably be about a week and a half away.
OK but was quite turned on in bed this morning. Actually a bit of emotional up and down and at one stage felt quite down. Before I had made the decision to be submissive to my wife, I had spent years trying to dominate her and I used to force her to wear short skirts almost all the time. It had ended up in a sort of frustrating stalemate for both of us. She would wear them when I was around but wear jeans when I was not around. So I felt usurped because she would not obey me and she felt embarrassed when she wore them. Not surprisingly. Anyway as I lay in bed this morning I just felt down because in recent times she has rarely worn short skirts and never in what one would call difficult situations. Anyway after I get it off my chest here, that is OK and of course now it is her decision. ahh that feels better.
This morning, before we got out of bed (I was going to say "up" :) ), my wife stroked my penis which got real hard real quick. It is kind of weird that her attention this way actually makes it easier to abstain than if she were not to touch me or show any interest. That would be hard. (as in difficult)
I guess must have been OK. Did not expect nor even think about it.
Bit of a 'ball ache' and starting to get that funny feeling at the front of my shoulders. Kind of a want to shrug my shoulders kind of feeling. Had a hard on this morning but knew there was no chance of sex so did not even rub up against my wife. ACtually no chance over this weekend as she has gone off with some of her girl friends.
Ball ache continues. Wife away for week end so no expectation of sex. Quite alert and OK emotionally
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday afternoon my wife anounces that we are going to a friends house for dinner.
The kids are eating in one room and us adults (is that being presumptious) are in another.
I have had a glass of wine when my wife anounces that I would drive home so she can have a few. OK I said. No argument. Actually enjoyed just being told. :)
We drove home just the two of us. The kids stayed for a sleepover.
Went to bed early but no sex. A fun little distraction though. In the afternoon I had eaten the last of the ice cream from the freezer. There was not much in the container. Maybe 2 spoonfuls. When we got home she saw the empty container on the sink. When we were in bed she said you need a smack for eating ice cream without permission. Now she had not said I couldn't but who is going to argue this early in the relationship when she says that. Roll onto your tummy she said. Then she smacked me a couple of time over the bed clothes. I pushed them back and said you had better do better than that or all you will do is turn me on. She said "I can't do much better, I'm drunk" and smacked me a few more times on my pyjama bottoms and then rolled onto her back and said good night.
Now of course I am frustrated. Been smacked. Turned on and she has fallen asleap. But that is what being submissive is about so I did not pester her. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, no kids, slept in till after 8am. I awoke long before her but figured I would let her sleep and not pester her.
I was rewarded. When she awoke, she rolled onto her front and asked for a shoulder massage so I started to massage her. Serving her like this is great. Puts me in a read submissive mind set. I looked at the clock and noted the time and decided that I would massage until she asked me to stop. Eventually she said now just finish of with a head massage. Which I did. Looked at the clock again. 20 minutes.
We lay there and I said to her "With no kids, we can make more noise than usual, would you consider caning me?"
We had a bit of a discussion about wasn't the whipping with the chord enough and I said the cane might be a different - deeper - feeling.
She said OK go organise a cane and so I went and got a piece of cane from the shed but it was way too long. She said to cut it with the seceters which I did. When I brought it back I thought we would cane me straight away.
She then said we will see but we are going to do me (her) first. She then rolled onto her front and asked me to start to rub the tops of her legs and then told me to move up. We ended up with me kneeling and her legs either side of one of mine with one of my hands and both of hers between her legs. I asked if I "could touch her breasts" and she said "yes" and as she said it, she came.
Then she lay there for a while and then said OK roll over.
I lay there and she went and picked up the cane and hit me a few times from both sides of the bed. Some of the strokes on my bottom and some on the top of the backs of my legs.
It was painful but not bruising. Here is hoping she will become more confident to hit harder.
Then we lay in bed for a while. I asked if I could cum and she said "you came yesterday". I said "true but it is a nice snuggly morning" she said "I thought we were trying to go progressivly longer each time." "Yessss" I said "but it would be nice to do it again before starting a longer period". She said "No I think we have started". I asked how long. She said "Well I have a big weekend next weekend so it won't be 'till after then. Maybe the week after".
Ohh I am turned on tjinking and writing about it.
Then I got up and made her breakfast.
Leter on I realised she had put on a load of washing and that it was finished so I hung it out. Also did the washing up of course.
Later she said "Thanks for hanging out that washing". I said "we aim to please" She said "That was the sexiest thing you did today"
Cripes if hanging out the washing is the sexiest thing then I sure need to hang out more washing.
She is now out shopping with the wife where we had dinner last night and the dads have the kids.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
She hopped on top and began to push herself on. Of course I was very turned on. I offerred to put some lube on but she said "lets see how we go"
Anyway on she got and she was moving and turned on and asked me to put a finger between us on her cliterous and then she came and then relaxed on top of me. A few minutes later she started to move and again it was not long before she came a second time and that gave me great satisfaction.
Then she started to cum again and I could feel it was quite wet down there and she asked if i had come and I said "no you have not given me permission" so I am assuming the juices came from her which is a new thing for us. She moved a lot and asked me to thrust up which was a great turn on and the movement put me in danger of cumming. Then she hopped off and lay on her back and said hop on and cum.
I said "Are you sure" and she said "yes I want you to cum" So both because I do not want to argue with her (Shouldn't have questioned her in the first place) and because I was turned on, I was in like flynn and came really quick and then we both laid there and relaxed for a while.
Then it was up for the day. Shower. I made breakfast. The kids mostly dressed themselves and now its off to Church.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
So I drove home and she was already home.
I went into the bedroom and tied one end of each rope to the castors on the bed.
Then I changed into a pair of boxers and a tee shirt.
I lay face down and she came and tied me spread eagle.
Then there was a pause and then she stated.
It was very painful. The chord was doubled over and about half a metre long.
A few times she paused
A few times I cryed out.
I am glad she paused as it have me a chance to recover.
She would do some from one side of the bed and then go round to the other side and do the same number.
Later she said she 12+12 pause 7+7 pause 5+5 long pause 2+2
We had a sort of discussion afterwards.
I asked her how she was feeling and she said not much.
She did not enjoy it or get turned on.
She did it because I asked her to. She loves me.
We sort of had a discussion about her leading. She said she did not believe in their being just one leader. I take it she means that we should co lead. However I found that for the last 10 years that meant that she got her own way whenever she wanted anyway and that made me angry. By me letting her lead, I am at the very least protecting myself from the negative feelings associated with anger. I wish she would do some self anlasis or something.
Anyway. Back at work now and it is actually more painful now than it was immediatly after the whipping. There are raised welts. She did most on my bottom and some on the tops of the backs of my legs.
I would love some of you who read this to write comments. opinions. thoughts.
It is a love hate relationship I have with myself and I have to confess that now that it is immenent to feeling quite aprehensive. Yes I could pull out and I suspect that my wife would find that a bit of a releaf because I do not think she is yet comfortable with the idea of inflicting pain. Well consciously and physically.
However if I pulled out, I know later I would feel weak and regret it.
I know that while it is happening it will be really really really painful.
So why do I 'crave' this. I have no idea.
Part of me says it is to try and cement her in a leadership capacity.
Perhaps I am compensating for lack of sexual fulfilment from her?
Maybe I am just turned on by pain?
I don't know but now I have to concentrate on work for a few hours.
She asked me to hang out the washing - Which I did.
This morning I made sure that all the washing up was done and the kitchen clean.
I made sure the bed was made and my stuff clean and tidy.
Its 9:10am and I have looked at the clock like 20 times since I got to work. Do I want it to run slow or fast I don't know.
Also comments invited and appreciated.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
has a posting on chastity. He mentioned masturbation in it too.
I have posted in my blog below someplace that I think masturbation is wrong. (Just my opinion)
Several people have posted about how their head space changes with time during periods of abstinance after release..
So abstinance, and chastity are interesting in the effect they have on emotional welbeing.
My plan is to write here on this post how I feel each day. The most recent entry is at the bottom - scroll down.
So I had release on Sunday morning. It was great and I felt really light and relaxed most of sunday but on sunday afternoon I got anoyed and angry although I did supress expressing it to my wife but generally felt OK.
My plan is to write here on this post how I feel each day.
I feel OK.
I am thinking of her. I am not feeling desparate nor angry. Normal.
I feel OK. Normal.
Still feel OK.
I remember on previous occasions when I abstained that at some stage I began to experience a feeling of "would I be able to actually do it when the time comes or will I have lost the capability?" But not yet as it is less than a week.
In fact right now I feel quite free. And in bed last night, I did not try to initiate sex nor ask for it nor even in my mind feel desparate for it. Perhaps it was because I got to massage her. Although this morning, when I lay in bed, she stroked my penis as she knows I like it and she does that and it makes me feel good. As a tease. No guarantee that it will result in release. But far better than any ignoring or emotional denial. Anyway, I asked her to dig her fingernails in. That was intense and new for both of us. So perhaps I am getting fulfilment through pain????
OK although I woke up in the night with a hard on and some sort of sexual dream that I now don't remember.
Got a cold and so does my wife so no chance of sex today.
Still have a cold and so does the wife. She also is very busy with some work that she has brought home.
She offerred sex late sat night. I think a bit of a feeling of obligation on her part but I said "Thanks but do you really want it" and she said "no". I said "I promise not to get grumpy. I will try to sleep off my cold and you can work or sleep as you so desire". So she worked and then came to bed. We hugged but I did not try to pressure her for sex.
Woo hoo. Great sex written about it in its own posting.
I really enjoyed massaging you last night. It was a gift and I understood it made you feel good and it made me feel good to give it to you.
As I was giving you the massage, I reflected that it was not so long ago that I would offer to massage you and you would decline and then the very next day go and pay someone to do a massage for you. This used to make me feel really insignificant and isolated. So maybe you have changed ever so slighty.
After your shower, you went and tinkered with your computer. I had hoped that you would have read my blog but consistent with your self absorbed existance/approach/? you did not even think of reading it. Didn't even think.
After I calmed down a bit, I figured that probably you should not feel the need to read it anyway.
It is a pleasure when you do read it but I guess it shoudl not be the first thing you think of. As the leader, there should be bigger strategic things that need to be considered.
I really appreciate the things you do for me
Making lunches, Washing clothes, making really beautiful meals, Keeping the yard looking nice, Organising a social life with wonderful friends. Sex. Even looking after / trying things that you do not really like like spanking me.
It was interesting to pray last night.
It was hard because I was asking God for something that at the first level seems to contradict what I read in the bible but then God is pretty big and I am sure he understood.
I also realised that I do not think that in the 10 years I tried to get you to be submissive that we ever prayed about it.
Maybe we need more prayer. Both individually, as a couple and as a family.
I was kinda sad that you did not seem to have read the page that I wrote a week or so ago listing ways to tease me or to increase the sexual tension / connection. I would of course love to hear from you what I do that makes you feel good
I thought it was rude when you fall asleap on me. I fully believe that it is your right to do so. It would be so much better if you simply said "I am feeling sleepy. I am going to sleep now so please stop talking" rather than feining interest and drifting off.
Are my expectations reasonable - Feedback requested please
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
This is actually the second time in two days and the third time in about a week that I have given her a massage.
It is amazing that since I started to be overtly submissive and helpful and look after her that she has actually let me in in this way. If I go back even a few months, I was feeling really jealous / anoyed because I would offer to massage her and she would decline but then she would go and pay someone $60 for a massage. I would feel very useless when that happened.
So tonight we get home from playing social sport and she notices a last pot that has not been washed up and starts washing it. (Yes I know I should have done that). So I go up behind her and stroke her gently on the back. She says "remember that massage you gave me last night"
I say "yes"
She says "Can I do it again"
So I start rubbing her shoulders and kneck etc.
When she finishes cleaning the pot, she leads me into the bedroom where she sits on a pillow on the floor beside the bed. I sit on the bed with my legs either side of her and continue to massage for about half an hour. I felt so good and she made very encouraging comments a few times.
Thursday lunch time would be nice.
The thoughts now range from excited, to aprehensive.
I am sure that while it is happening, I will be struggling against the pain and possibly wondering why I ever wanted this.
After I will fell refreshed and it will not be long before the pain goes away.
When you do it and I hope you do,
Please hit as hard as you possibly can.
Make the chord whistle as it comes down.
Mostly on my bottom and the tops of the backs of my legs.
I would like it to be so intense
So lost in the pain
If I cry out or cry or anythng, please do not stop.
Please do not ask me questions like "have you had enough". If there is any doubt give me 10 more.
How many. I hold my breath and say 100.
The number is not important to me.
Being out of my control is.
No sense in this at all.
But intimacy and love and trust at its most intense.
Or am I just mad?
Monday, June 6, 2011
We had the genesis of discussion about responsibility of behaviour last night.
Firstly, In no way do I wish to abdicate responsibility for my behaviour.
I do wish to change my behaviour and for that I need your help.
I also believe as I have done for a long time in the value of physical punishment.
So that to me is a tool and a very effective tool in helping me change.
I appreciate that you whip me because I ask you to and I do so when I feel I have done wrong or slipped up.
You mentioned teachers, parents, law enforcement and that you did not wish to be my parent or law enforcer.
I do need you to take on that sort of role.
I need you to be the leader.
I tried and failed to be the leader in our family.
You have stated that you do not wish to be the leader but at the same time you have prevented me from being the leader by simply implementing any decisions that you wanted even if they were clearly not what I had wanted. You also ensured that your social life and life in general was clearly outside and away from the family - Church, school, friends all come well and truly before family and that resulted in loneliness and jealousy for me and frustration for me and the kids. We lived our lives around you so now I am saying step up to the plate and be the leader.
Now this means a real head space change for me. I am trying very hard to move into that head space.
I will attempt to support you and your decisions cheerfully and to the best of my ability and that is where I need you to lead with direction and to punish me when fall short.
It does not mean that I will bother you with trivial decisions. I am an adult, I can think for myself and I fully intend to do so. In fact I wish to get to the point where almost all the time, I am thinking what would she like and implement that without you even asking.
But I am not there yet.
I would really like it if you would, in the privacy of our bed room, tell me when my behaviour was not up to scratch. I would like you to punish me. I would also like you to reward me when I am good. I would also like you to tell me what you want and encourage me when I try but do not get it exactly right.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Last night she was busy doing something and I got jealous for attention.
Then she asked me my opinion on whether we should give our child this or that for their birthday. I gave my opinion and then I find she has disregarded it. At the time that anoyed me.
Then in the calm light of day I am thinking how unreasonable I am. Even if not in a submissive relationship, I should not get anoyed when someone does not accept my opinion. I was asked, I gave my opinion they decided different. So what.
So I was anoyed with myself.
Thankfully she does not hold grudges and this morning another instance of great sex.
I was desparate to cum. Los of pressure it seemed.
There was some nice tease where she denied my request to put a plastic bag on and rub myself.
Then she said she was debating whether to take her pants off.
All added to the sexual tension.
Then she said put some lube on and she took her pants off.
I put the lube on and came in very very gently on top. Supporting my weight and pushing in gently.
We ended up with her on top.
She asked if I was close to cuming. I said I had been holding off waiting for permission. She likes us to cum together. Anyway she ended up cuming before I got it together. She then offerred to roll over so I could be on top.
I said "I would like to stay with her on top because I would like to get used to cuming with her on top"
Then I came and it was good. Aaaaaah.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
She arrived home and does the usual things that ordinarilly would have made me feel ignored like checking her email. She gets the PJs from under her pillow and disapears off the the bath room and does something in the kitched and bla bla. I am saying to myself. Stay calm. Do not get anoyed. It is your jub to support her not demand of her. So I relax and chill out.
She eventually arrives at the bedroom door wearing her new long PJ pants and her black bra. Now I am awake and ready. She stand at the bed side facing me and very much has my attention. Then she reaches down and ties the pj pants chord and as she does so she says "My chastity belt". Ooooooh
She rolls onto her front and asks me for a massage. I ofcouse oblige. And after I have spent some minutes maybe 10 or 15, I run my hand down and gently stroke her pyjama clad bottom. Then I massahe her bottom and stroke her back. She moved one hand down and starts touching herself.
She asks me to kneel with one knee netween her legs and push onto her. Now she has both hands rubbing herself and I hold her by the waist and lift her partially into my upper theigh. I am so desparate and she is having such a good time. At one stage I say you look so power ful in pants and short hair. She says dont use that word. (The next day, I ask her about that and she says she is still not comfortable with this whole thing and using the word powerful was distracting)
Then she says "thats enough" move to your side of the bed and watch.
She rolls onto her back and starts rubbing herself between her legs. And she says "do not touch yourself or me". Then she undoes ger bra and lets her breast fall out. She caressesit with one hand while fingering herself with the other.
She says "would I like to kiss her breast"
I say "I would love to"
she says "go on"
So I gently kiss her breast and she puts her finger in my outh and O begin to gently such on her breast then she says with your oujer hand touch my clitorous. So I push my hand gently in down the front of her PJ's. She then decides to take her pj pants off so there is a little interruption.
Now we are back at it and eventually she cums. And she is happy and I am happy (but still bursting).
She lies back and so do I and we relax.
I dare not ask. I want her to direct and this is not the time to ask because that forces her to respond.
After an age she says would you like to go inside her or wear a plastic bag. (Often in the past, I have put a plastic bag with a little baby oil over my penis so as not to make a mess in bed when we engage in mutual masterbation). I say to ger. Please you decide for me.
She says put on a plastic bad. So I do.
I start to rub against the mattress and I ask "Can I cum: and she sayd "I have not told you to cum yet".
I ask "Will I be allowed"
and she resonds... "maybe or maybe tomorrow or maybe not".
I am desparate but I do not want to plead.
I ask if I can touch her and she says yes anywhere I like.
So I am running my hands over her breasts and between her legs
A bit later she says you may cum now
And boy that took all of 5 seconds to happen.
Then I lay back and relaxed.
Then she got up and said she was going to wash her hands and I took the plastci bag off and cleaned up with an old babies nappy that is kept in the bed side table.
Then she put both the top and pants of the long pjs back on and we both fell asleap.
This morning I was so turned on again and I asked if I could put a plastic bag on and cum again and she said "no". Then We had a bit of a discussion about me being submissive and her being in control and also about her being powerful. It was nice and light but really fun.
And that is a great way to start a weekend.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Let me ramble. Not in chronalogical order. Just as I think of it.
As I am about to leave my wife tells me the schedule for the weekend. Now some of it is same old same old and is locked in. Kids sport, a birthday party and church but she then says that saturday afternoon we are all going for a picnic and a walk in the forest. Tells me. Doesn't ask. Just tells me.
During the day at work she send me a text which reads
"Thought you'd like to
know I'm having waxing
done at 12:30pm...x"
And I respond "Ooooooo aaaaah mmmmmm"
And spend the rest of the day dreaming.
Came home early. Soon after the phone rang and it was a charity that apparantly we had helped in a previous year and been fund raising door knockers for them and they were recruiting for this year. I had some fun being very overtly submissive by saying to the lady, I said "I can not commit to doing this as I have to ask my wife" and when she persisted I said "I am not allowed to make these decisions I have to refer this to my wife and she will make the decision". I got their phone number and promised to call them back.
Soon after my wife came home and I explained about the charity and she said "not this year" as we are already doing some other charity work. So I rang them back and said "My wife says that we are not available this year". So nice to pass the decision making buck and such fun to be able to be overt about it.
Soon after she came home, Sse said she was going to go hang out the washing so I went and helped her. Then she did some sweeping so I grabbed the dustpan and brush and followed her around and brushed up the little piles of dirt. I thought about offering to just do it but figured she would like me helping and she hasn't asked me to do it.
At one stage we had a conversation about sex and she commented that our sex life was pretty much non existant. I said well intercourse yes but there has been quite a bit of sexual activity. May have to discuss this some more.
She now out and I am babysitting our kids plus three others from the people she is out with. Ah so domestic.
Then she got the electrical flex we use for her to whip me out of the draw in the bed side table. I had a look at how she was holding it. Doubled over and wrapped around her hand several times so that the piece she was hitting me with was quite short. I asked her to un wrap it so it was longer. Then I took it from her and said hit me like you would to get dust out of a blanket and then I hit the bed really really hard. I said hit me like that. Make it really hurt please. She was noticably shocked. Luckilly not too shocked. I gave her back the flex.
I lay face down and she whipped me a few times. I then asked her to make some of the strokes land on the upper part of my legs too. I lay face down again and she continued. I was wearing my shiny red boxers. Not bare because I think she would find that too confronting and stop if she saw any marks. Anyway she was hitting harder than she had done previously.
Then she went round the other side of the bed and did some more. It was very painful. Then she came round the first side of the bed and without warning layed one stroke down really really hard. It was sooo painful. Then she put the whip away.
When she got into bed, I cuddled her and thanked her. I said that last stroke was really good. I was caught between nit wanting to imply that the other strokes were too light but at the same time, I wish to give her feed back to build her confidence in disciplining me.
Mind you prior to all this, I had mentioned to her this moning that I would like her to whip me to get me used to my daughter wearing pants and then when I got home from work, I had asked her to after the kids went to bed, to read the letter and then whip me and yet still she had just done her own thing and totally forgotton about it until she got into bed and I asked if she was going to discipline me. Then she got up and went and read it.
I take that as meaning she is willing to look after my needs but at the same time is naturally focussed on herself.
I hope that the two can come together in the future where she can demand of me and that way she gets what she wants / needs and so do I. In that being comanded to do something for her is rewarding for me.
Anyway, then I said to her well now I guess you will be buying pants for our daughter and she said yes expect her to be wearing them more often now.
Then she put her hand on my penis and teased me. Which was nice. I asked if I could cum and she hesitated for ages. I regretted asking. I said to her, "if you are not sure just say 'no'". So she said 'no'. I felt like I had pressurised her by asking. I will try harder not to ask. When things settle down though, I will ask her if asking is frustrating for her and if it is then I will suggest that she consider telling me not to ask and to whip me if I do ask. But that I think will have to wait at least a few weeks. I think she is still mentally processing the being in charge overtly and my being submissive and especially the whipping thing.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
To my dear wife
I was I confess angry when I saw my daughter this morning wearing culottes.
I think Culottes are probably the most unflattering physically ugly piece of clothing invented. They also convey a message of lack of identity cofidence. I am a girl so I cant wear shorts but I do not have the confidence to wear a skirt or words to that effect.
The next thing was the very fact that she actually owned them anoyed me intensly. If you had purchased them after I abdicated my position of family leader and turned the leadership over to you then that would have been fine. However I suspect. Nay believe that they were purchased before that. And that typifies what I was up against.
I tried to lead.
You talked about shared leadership and in that context there is discuss and agree and implement.
But this just typifies the actual reality and that was that irrespective of what the outcome of our discussions were or the outcome of any agreement or the result of any direction I gave, if you did not agree with it, then you just implemented whatever you saw as right anyway. The culottes are a case in point that demonstrate the termiting of my leadership.
So now I have abdicated and you are in charge. I will not be termiting you. I will be doing my very best to support your decisions and to make you happy and to do the things that you ask. I will be putting effort in to doing my very best for you. I use that word submissive because that is the word that I see best describes this. It does not mean I will sit around like a stunned jelly fish waiting for instructions.
But there is an emotional change of mindset that I need to foster.
I have always said 'no hints'. Guys just do not get hints.
With you in the leadership position, I need you to overtly lead. Please do not hint, suggest or be subtle. If you want something or want something done, then please say so. Please do not hold back. Please use this as a way to regain your confidence. Have fun with it.
I see the bed room as a way to play, practice and extend this.
Yes there is a reward for me.
With your attention, I go to work happy. (I used to hate driving to work angry and drained)
With your attention, I get sexual enjoyment. Something that had evaporated as your sex drive declined.
I beleive one of the reasons that our kids have become progressivly worse behaved is because they have been able to subconsously pick up the disunity between us. So my unity is now your unity and I hope that my children, whom I care dearly for, will without realising it, begin to become better behaved and I believe that that will translate to better results at school, in sport and in their social lives. Their success brings me happyness.
Finally on spanking.
Yes I get turned on by physical stuff including spaking.
I find the whipping to be cathardic. It clears my head. When it is over, I feel new, cleansed, ready to start again. There is also a feeling that hopefully you feel a little empowered although I understand that it really does stress you becuase I think you feel a conflict within yourself about inflicting physical pain. It helps me to change my mindset. This sort of whipping needs to hurt physically. Actually it does not work so much for me if it is not hard enough because it is then confused with a sexual turn on spanking. I ask you, when you do it, to hit as hard as you possibly can. Sorry it sounds so weird but I hope that one of the things about trust and intimacy is the freedom to explore in an atmosphere of trust.
I love you and I want you to be happy, I want to be happy too and I want our kids to be happy.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
She asked 'what about driving oldest child in'.
I said, I thought you told me that there were no early starts for two weeks.
She said sorry only no early starts on Mondays.
Now normally I would have gotten really angry about the drip feeding of information but I took a deep breath and said 'oh. ok'.
So in the dark, I stripped off to my undies. Now also I had put on an adult diaper. So I was wearing the diaper and undies and then I got a tee shirt and put it on and hopped back into bed.
Now she knows that I wear adult diapers when I may need to go for a long period without going to the toilet like at the footie or concerts or presentations at work because I find that I get very little warning of needing to go and I hate having my enjoyment disturbed by focussing on hilding it. Anyway, she is not excited by this but puts up with it.
Anyway, I think she took pity on me and felt me up in the nappy which turned me on.
I asked if she had thought about when I would be allowed to cum. She did not answer.
I wonder if asking pressurises her or if she is teasing me.
I think I will add a personal goal of not asking for sex. Maybe I already have that as a personal goal. I think it is time to revist the list of personal goals and also to make sure I do one thing every day just for her.
I washed them and put them in the dryer.
After we got the kids into bed, I asked her what her plans were for the evening.
Ironing, folding washing,a shower, preparation for her job for tomorrow ....
I said to her during this discussion, that I really want her to be happy but that I am having a struggle with letting go of my old ways and that what I would really like is for her to wear the new pyjama pants and to whip me. I said I know that sometimes she feels bad about hitting me and that I did not want that. I did not want her to associate feeling bad with wearing the pjs. She said. She does not feel bad any more. She does not think about it. She then said buying pants should not be punishment. I said what I would really like is just a few strokes really hard but not lots like a punsihment. Just a sort of reminder. A reinforcement that things have changed.
I said, how about have the shower first and while you are in it, I will go and your new pjs from the dryer so you can wear them and be warm and then whip me and then after I have recovered I can help with the folding of clothes etc.
So that was what happened. 4 strokes from one side of the bed and then 4 strokes from the other side. It was more painful than usual but she still is not hitting all that hard. I can understand that though as she is not a violent person.
That was last night