Saturday, October 30, 2010


I wonder how people find this blog.

When I type submissive husband blog into google, I find as the second hit. But how do even get my blog to appear on the radar.

Why do I want others to find it? Well as a sort of personal validation I think. I am sort of scared of the path I am going down and also although I crave being submissive to my wife I am also scared of loosing power. Scared of being totally under her control. Which is weird.

I am also interested in advice on how to get her to come around to being willing to be in control.

My current plan is to keep being submissive and doing things for her for about a month and then I think write her a letter outlining how I feel and what I am looking for and to try to let her know that it is OK for her to be selfish in the bed room. bla bla bla.

Friday, October 29, 2010

just another night

Got home from work a few minutes late. Dinner not ready. Normally this would anoy me. I just smiled and kissed wife and kids. Decided best not to step in and finish dinner as this might cuase the wife to feel judged. Went to the fridge and chose a bottle of white wine and poured her a glass.

After dinner I did the washing up. Most of the washing up was done before putting the kids to bed. After we had done that, she started doing the remainder of the washing up. I gently suggested that I would do that to free her up to do other things. That turned out to be sewing a fancy dress costume for one of our kids.

Having finished the washing up, and making sure the kitchen was neat and all the benches wiped down, I chose to tidy the top of the side board in the dining room. This is cluttered with years of old school photos, photos in frames, 8x10 prints of school photos, about half a dozen 3rd world kids that we sponsor through world vision, school reports, various art treasures created by kids so long ago that even they have forgotton, candles, innumerble batteries. I pulled all the small photos and put them in an album. All the larger photos and school reports were gathered and I slipped them into a book case while noting that I really need a file for each child. Batteries and other junk was just binned. Then the remainder considered too hard right now was left there. Personally I would de frame all the photos and put them in albums too because they take less room but we will leave that because she may see that as threatening.

Turned down the bed. Put the water on the bed side table. Noted no TV tonight. turned on her bedside light. Hopped into bed.

After she hopped into bed I asked if she wanted to get turned on. She said for me to put my hand on her leg. This is a good sign. Then she took off her panties and asked me to come down on her. I went as gently as I could. Then I was careful not to lay all my weight on her. I was suspicious that she was not turned on but just wanted me to cum. Something I do not want to do as I have described elsewhere, I want to focus on getting her turned on. But I also want her to actively lead at least in the sex department. I tried to tell her that and said that I wanted her to cum and that I would like her to roll us over so she is on top. She did that, I think somewhat reluctantly anyway eventually she came and then rolled us back and told me to cum. So I did although I would have found it more of a turn on if she had said "that was good now yu hold off till I want you next."


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Masturbation & Sex

What is the process of masturbation
physical pressure -> brain function -> lust -> masturbate -> feel good -> feel down.

Is Masturbation as sin?
The bible does not mention the word masturbation.
On of the central tennants of the bible is love and as masturbation does not in its self harm others then I would say that on that level, masturbation is not considered by God to be a sin.
During masturbation, you normally are focusing on that which you cannot have - lust - and that is covetousness and that is specifically listed in the bible as a sin.

Does a male need to masturbate?
I think that it is a common misconception that it is bad for a male to abstain from masturbation. The body will relieve itself in other ways, normally in nocturnal emissions - i.e., wet dreams.

If I do not masturbate
There is a physical pressure that drives my thoughts.
The thing then is how do I steer those thoughts.
physical pressure -> brain function -> lust -> masturbate -> feel good -> feel down.
physical pressure -> brain function -> abstain -> can havefeeling of frustration (see below).
physical pressure -> brain function -> abstain -> Find way to get wife interested -> feel good

So what if I do masturbate?
The first thing is that while I am doing it I feel good. The imagination runs wild. Lust, dreams etc. Then I cum. Then I feel down.
I get a immediate reward for the action. This prompts me subconciously to do it again. So I develop bad mental habits.
It is I suspect a bit like an addiction. At first the reward was great then I need more and more to try and recapture the feeling.

But I get angry and tense if I don't get sexual releaf
So having releaf though either sex or masturbation has rewarded me subconciously and so I end up repeating the cycle.
I would like to not get angry. I should be able to control this type of negative emotion.

I am married, how should it be?
My wife has much lower libido than me. Maybe as a result of my actions. Maybe for other reasons. Who knows. Certainly not me.
But I would like it to be like this.
I use the sexual pressure energy to focus on my wife.
I use that energy to do things to make space for her so that she does have the time and the space to get turned on.
Then she initiates sex.
In fact in a way she her initiating the act of sex is actually a response to my actions and that gives me pleasure to feel that my actions are appreciated.

The act of sex
Firstly, it is I think pretty much the case that women, given the right atmosphere can have multiple orgasms within a short time yet men once they have cum pretty much loose interest.

So to me we arebuilt in a way where if the guy is really focussed on the woman will in fact hold off until she has cum at least once. Otherwise she is likely as not, not to cum at all.

When should I cum?
Firstly, because I suspect like most guys, when I start to have sex I cum quickly, I would like to have to hold off until she has cum once.
I would like her to talk to me during sex and tell me what is working for her and what is not.
I would like her to give me permission to cum.

More born kinky

I do not know if this is another indication of born kinky

As a child and teen, I used to often wear really short shorts. Now I know that in the 70's when I was in school, that shorts were short but I seemed to wear very short shorts. Maybe these were just the type of clothes my mother bought me? . Looking back it is weird.

I used to do things to put myself in awkward situations. Like I would tell someone that I was going to do something and then I would have to do it.

I can recall on one occasion going with my mother to buy dress shorts. In the shop I was presented with several pairs to try on and selected a pair with basically zero leg length. I felt quite weird trying them on and sure felt self concious afterwards and would actually hate it when I was told to wear them but as they were my only good dress shorts and I had chosen them then I had to wear them.

After the anger in my previous post, I thought I would muse on something philosophical in order to calm down and feel happy ready for the day.

I think this may be a post about clothing. Or maybe childhood memories.

Another item of clothing I would wear was singlet tops. I recall seeing other kids wearing them and so I asked if I could wear them and so my mother must have bought some. I recall again this feeling of exposure.

I also have to confess to having put on girls clothing a few times. I had been a tree or something in a primary school play. I had to wear a brown tunic (short dress) and dark green tights. Well I kept it all and used to dress up in it in my room. Then I would often wear the tights under my jeans. At the start of this blog I said this was not about wanting to dress in women's clothing and somehow become a girl and I still think that is true.

I also have a memory of going to visit a friend of the family who lived near the beach. This was when I was about 9 or 10. I did not have my swimming costume. When we were at this person's house, it was decided to go to the beach. They only had daughters and I was presented with a girls one piece swimming costume to wear. I protested but in the end gave in. I was allowed to wear a tee shirt over it and so went out in public dressed in the girls 1 piece swimming costume and a tee shirt and proceeded to go swimming in the surf.

Oops Angry

I am so angry with myself this morning.

Last night I felt pretty good. After doing cleaning and house work. I had made sure that nothing was left undone. By this I mean that in the past I have had a tendancy to start something and not finish it. So I would say decide to clean up a cupboard and I would pull everything out and get half way through putting it back in and then leave it. Stuff everywhere. Last night I made sure that I only did one shelf and I took everything out then put the junk in the rubbish bin. Put the stuff back in that was supposed to be in there. Then put a few things in other places where they should go and then faced a dilemma. Still some stuff but where to put it. So I did a second, more ruthless go through and threw out another bag of rubbish. Then I just neatly put all the left overs back in the cupboard. So not a perfect solution but nothing left out on the floor or adding to the clutter some place else.

Then I stuffed up.

I started a conversation with my wife about submission and it did not go the way I wanted. It did not go anywhere. She does not like the idea of submission. Either her submitting to me nor me submitting to her. I describe our relationship as lazy. We do what we do but why? Just because that is what we have to do. But what about doing things because we want to do them and we want to do them for our partner?

I read on another blog about how things go off the rails and I guess that is what is happening here. I wonder where that was.

I am unsure how to proceed.
I am sure that getting angry will not help
I am sure that sulking or feeling sorry for myself will not help.

So I write here to get the stuff out of my system and to crystalise in my mind a few things not to do.

OK so onto the day.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Domestic relaxation

I was going the extra mile tonight in the kitchen. Washing up the dishes. Tidying up the bench tops. Putting the left overs in to containers in the fridge. Tasks that I normally would not do. When I realised just how relaxed I was. A real feeling of calmness washed across me.

So I thought I would write this while I was feeling it and now off to read to kids and put them the bed.

The wife is out tonight.

Kinky Baggage

One of the difficulties we face is our past.

I have, I believe, been kinky since the day I was born. Here are a couple of examples.

Firstly as a kid, I used to be fascinated by kids who wet the bed. When I would go to friends places, I would sit on the bed and run my hand under the sheets to see who had a plastic mattress protector. You would be amazed at how many kids had plastic mattress protectors and even ones who wore nappies and plastic pants (1970's here) right up into high school.

I also have a fascination with corporal punishment. My earliest memory is of standing in a kitchen at someones place when someones mother picked up the wooden spoon and hit her daughter of I think probably about 8 or 9 years of age really hard across the back of her legs up high. She was wearing her school uniform sport skirt that was very short the way they were in the 1970's. The girl collapsed on the floor crying and holding the hands round the back of her legs. The mother just went on talking and I stood there and just watched. Fascinated. Many years later, I had the opportunity / privlidge to cane a girl friend.

My wife on the other hand has never as far as I can tell been anything other than straight down the line. With the exception of occasionally getting turned on watching girls kiss in a movie and once kissing another woman. And that only recently and when they were both a bit drunk.

We both grew up in the christian church. This has ingrained in her a sort of sexual concervatism.

Even though the main stream churches that we attended do not actively teach the husband is the head of the house, there is sort of implied expectation of that to a sort of moderate degree. So the idea of me being submissive to her is not something she is comfortable with.

In the early years of our mariage, I pushed her to wear schoot dresses and skirts and she complied. In fact amongst our friends, she was kind of expected to dress that way. Even our church friends knew that I liked her to dress this was and so even though I think they were caught in bit of a moral bind with modesty on the one hand versus pleasing your husband or complying with his requirements on the other. I also spanked her a few times but she really did not like this and even though she supports spanking the kids, I doubt if she would spank or in any way inflict pain on me. Pitty.

Other Players, Mariage drift etc
is an article where he talks about getting turned on thinking about his wife with another man and a few other things. Included are how mariages drift apart and so on.

Got me thinking and I know that is where we are at.

My wife is busy busy busy with her own stuff. She gets her satisfaction there and home life is just a chore for her. Sex has gone by the by as far as she is concerned.

So what keeps us together?
The kids
A sort of plutonic love for each other.
Lazy sex on my part.
Convienience & lazyness - Can't be bothered to move out.

But its not exciting.

Now on the other person thing, my wife has on one occasion kissed another woman in front of me. This is pretty much the only kinky thing she has ever done. I mean kissed tongue and all. She was turned on by it and I know I sure was.

I do not see it as a threat whereas I could I suspect be jelous of her and another man. Not sure actually.

The key thing is if she did it secretly then I would feel jelous. If she was up front about it, I would especially in the case of another woman be very turned on.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

getting rid of clutter

One of my frustrations is the amount of clutter round our house.

Every cupboard. Every bench top is just full of junk. My wife is a hoarder. Actually so am I.

This morning, I was in a bad mood. Rather than toss and turn in bed, I got up and decided to clean up the kitchen benches. The added complication here is that I do not want to annoy her by moving things.

Eventually I just got two boxes and grabbed handfuls of junk and sorted it into keep and chuck boxes. Then put the chuck box in the bin. Wiped down the bench tops and so on. It looks heaps better. There were many empty bottles and stuff that I am sure she will not be happy I threw out but I am hoping she will get over it.

I am going to work my way through the cupboards in our house, starting with the ones she uses least and to tidy them. I am going to chuck out as much as possible without throwing out her stuff. So far I have no qualms throwing out old phone chargers and batteries and this sort of thing.

Not very sex related I know but I guess not everything revolves around sex. Well it does. My hope is that by getting rid of this clutter it will make our family function better.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Kinky Understanding

I am a Christian and by that I mean that I believe in God and regularly attend worship at my church. Now one of the core tenants of Christianity is love and understanding. However there is an area of my life that I think has made me more open to accepting others and that is recognising my kinky sexual side.

It would seem to me that for those without any sort of kink, the idea of a kink is something that not only they can't understand but that they are very suspicious of. This is not just Christians but anyone.

While we are on the subject of Christianity, there is a general view that Christians are more judgemental that most however I would have to say that in regard to the local Church that I attend, there is great tolerance and respect for people who are different. We have for example had members of our church march in the Gay & lesbian parades. Likewise we have members who totally oppose Gay sexuality. In the one church. We can coexist. And this is not a big church. Like 100-150 people. So we do have to get along.

So my feeling is that I have some kinks but it has made me much more understanding of others who have a kink. Any kink. Even if it is not my kink. What I do not think they understand is the way the kink is always a part of me.

My fetishes have been with me in some form or other since as early as I can remember. While they are not a totally consuming thing, they are always there. Like a mild addiction I would say. Sometimes able to be repressed, sometimes driving me to act on them. As a child one learns what is considered normal and from then on one hides the things that one knows is not normal.

So when I finally decide to try to manoeuvre my marriage to a wife lead marriage, I need to remember that I have spent years thinking about kinky stuff. Reading stuff. Latching onto comments made by others or in film. She hasn't. Her head space I imagine is very vanilla. I doubt if she even knows the term.

This is getting long. Enough for now.

A night out and the morning after

We went clubbing last night. A group of middle aged couples. Had a bit to drink. Enough for the girls to get giggly. Had a great time dancing although it is interesting to compare the type of music and the number of people dancing.

I tried to keep a balance between dancing with her, which she like, and giving her space. One time before when we had done this sort of night out, she had kissed a girl on the lips and gotten quite passionate with her. The girl was one of the other wives from our group. This had turned both of us on and so this time, I tried to give her space to do this again but nothing came of it. I even at one stage whispered to the other lady that I was OK with what happened last time and she responded positively with a comment that she knew I enjoyed it and that I would have to work harder this time. I took that to mean buy her a drink, which I did but anyway it was not something that could be forced. At one stage I left the dance floor and sat and watched and my wife danced with some random guys.

Got home round 4am. Helped my wife get undressed and into bed. She was tired and not interested in sex and drifted off to sleep. Now ordinarily this would have frustrated me immensely but in my new head space, I just drifted off to sleep.

This morning, she snuggled up to me and I tentatively caressed her back. She put my hand on the top & back of her leg. Good sign. Gradually this once again lead to us mutually masturbating her. Then after just a few minutes she asked me to go inside her. I did this gently and then rolled her over so she was on top. This turned me on and I really enjoyed getting her stimulated like that. She got quite animated and with me trying desperately not to cum, she came then she rolled us both back so I was on top and said "I want you to cum" so I did. This whole thing was a huge turn on for me.

So amazingly since I have started this blog, which she knows nothing about, and since I have consciously decided to try to act submissively around her, we have had great sex in two days. Whereas previously we went for months with crap sex that usually involved me forcing my self on her. Brace yourself we would joke.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Getting started

Last night (Friday night) we were both out. My wife leads a youth group at our church and I had gone down to help with some technical stuff. I then came home, put the kids to bed & did some cleaning up at home.

The church thing may be an issue when it comes to her taking the lead. By this I mean, she already leads but if anyone asked she would say that I lead. I don't and I actually find that what she is doing is quite frustrating. The problem is that the bible was written at a time when the man was the head of the house and so there is a bit of history to overcome.

Its Saturday morning.
The wife is in bed.
I have gotten up early to be ready to make breakfast for the kids when they wake and so the wife gets to sleep in with out me tossing and turning.

I have spied some dirty dishes on the coffee table in the lounge that I missed when I cleaned up last night. So I will wash them up quietly.

Tonight all the kids are being babysat elsewhere and we are going out with friends partying. Pretty weird us middle ages ones going to night clubs and staying out till 3 or 4 in the morning.

So on my to do list for today is
Make breakfast.
Check my suit. I think I am supposed to buy a bow tie to match her dress.
That may mean a quick trip to the shops.
Clean up house.
Get kids bags packed for sleepovers.
remember tooth brushes & pj's.
have a rest in the early afternoon so I stay awake to look after her while we are out all night.
Do washing and hang it out and bring it in.

There's a list now lets get on with it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Massage plus

Well an amazing night and morning.

Having written what I posted yesterday, I went home and tried to be especially good. No going and watching TV as soon as I got home. Helped her with preparing dinner.

She anounced, as she does, that she was going out for an appointmet to have her legs waxed at 8pm. Normally this lack of notice would have anoyed me but I used it as motivation for me to give extra help to get kids bathed and homework done and into bed so that she could leave without feeling like there were lots of things un done. After the last kid was in bed and we done prayers and bed time reading I actually felt quite refreshed. A second wind. Mind you the little power nap that I managed while lying on one of the kids beds helped.

Into the kitchen and did the washing up. As I often do but this time, I made sure that it was all done, dried and put away and the sink was emptied and wiped down. No loose ends.

Eventually she came home. Turned out she had dropped in on a friend. She asked if I would like a massage and then said that she was asking because she wanted one. Well as you can imagine I was more than willing to give her a massage and as I was not really in need of one, I suggested we go straight to giving her one.

Wen I entered the bed room she was getting the bed ready in just her panties. No top on. mmmm. Very unusual. Normally she gets straight into her pj's.

She lay on her front and she had a bottle of oil. Now its ages and ages since we have done this so I was somewhat rusty and feeling my way along. Poured some cold oild on her. Not so good. Should pour it on my hands and rub them together to warm up the oil. Anyay she talked to me as we went along and that was great. Telling me where itworked and how hard to push. Finally she drifed off to sleep and I lay back quite content. At one stage she offerred a quickie but I was not in that head space.

This morning, I woke early and she was OK with a bit of snuggling and we had a short but interesting discussion where she told me that she was slightly turned on and that there are times when she gets this way but then finds me grumpy and so does not tell me so of course it does not get anywhere - Communication.

Anyway, I began to gently touch her on her bottom. She rolled onto her front. Eventually my hand inside her panites from the back round to stimulating her clittorous. Then she put her hands in from the front and touched her self. As she did that I started to put my fingers further into her. She thrusted some and asked how I would like her to cum and I said like this and so she kept going and then she came. I felt good. She felt good and relxed.

We lay there for a while.

Then she offerred sex. I smiled and said not now. I was not in that head space as I enjoyed being totally focussed on her pleasure and just being amazed at what a great night and morning it had been.

Got up went to work and just had to log on and write this.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What this is not

This is not about being dumb. Submissive does not mean dumb. In fact exactly the opposite. Submissive means using my talents and abilities to do the things I am good at.

This is not about pretending I am a woman. I do not wish to dress in womens clothing and hang around in bars as was once said in a song about a lumber jack. I do guy things like play football, ride motor bikes, tinker with the car, fix toilets, play with model planes, trains and automobiles with the kids. Fix kids bikes, go to the pub with my mates.

Nor is it about suggesting that what was traditionally called womans work is somehow less valuable. House work, maintenance, helping are all very valuable jobs.

Nor is it about shirking responsibility. If I am responsible for something then I am responsible to make it happen right.


I would like my wife to whip me.

Now why?

She said she is not into punishing me. I am not a child.
Now the thought of spanking does turn me on a bit but this is not what I want.
I want her to really punish me.
I want to go past the point of a turn on.
I want it to be much much more painful.
I want to be so totally focussed on living through the pain.

Now this is not like a child who is forced to be punished.

I want it to happen.
I want it to happen in response to me doing something wrong.
I would like it to be such that if I do the same thing wrong again, that I will submit myself for furher punishment.
I want it to be a motivation not to do that behaviour again.

In a way, I would like there to be a carrot for good behaviour and the stick for bad behaviour.
The obvious carrot is sex I guess
The obvious stick is the whipping.

Pretty weird hey.

My commitement to myself

I can not really change my wife. But I do control my own actions. So the question is how to get her to recognise that she is the leader. In the mean time, I am going to try and make space for her and also for my own sanity I am going to stop trying to compete or fight with her.

I will not organise anything unless she asks me to organise it.

I will not get stressed out if she changes things at the last minute.

I will not ask her for sex.

I will not pressure her for sex by for example thrusting up against her in bed.

I will not masturbate (because it is selfish and I want to get out of this selfish head space)

I will do as many jobs as I can around the house. (Washing, ironing, washing up)

I will do at least one job each day as a minium. (This may sound like not much but at present, I do pretty much nothing so I figure start with something achievable)

I will only say positive things to my wife and kids.

If I am angry, I will go for a walk or a run to calm down.

I will not pressure my wife with regard to clothes.

I will offer, but only once per day, to give her massages.

I will leave the toilet seat down and use the brush on the toilet if necessary.

I will turn down her side of the bed.

I am sure I will think of more as I get into this head space.


I am male.
I have been married to my wonderful wife for over 15 years.
We have great kids.
Sex is boring.
Life is frustrating.
She is controlling but not in a deliberate way.
She just does her organising and the rest of us tag along.
For a long time, this meant tension and stress on my part.
I would want to do one thing. She would organise something else.
I felt that I never had any time.

So I have decided to try a new path.
I have read about wife lead mariage (WLM)
It is however in the context of BDSM which my wife is not into in any way shape or form.
So a problem I have is how to get her to intentionally lead.