Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Chastity- fix the relationship FIRST

I had a look at
Signed up and all that as it looked interesting.  Basically in exchange for my email address I am receiving a multi part 'book' and of coourse there is a bigger and better book for sale.  I found it all very interesting.

One thing that came thorugh on the email and struck a chord was :-
  My primary goal is to feel needed and wanted sexually by my wife, what ever that may entail.


Is there a certain way to ease her into this life style? I haven't shared these thoughts with her yet. I would love to submit to she being totally in charge of our sex life, only my wife's pleasures and desires.

If I ask her about her sexual desire, she just shuts down and thinks I am trying to get a blow job out of the deal.

I want her to need me, as much as I need to see her pleasured. I need some kind of sexual feelings from her. If it turns out to be her oral pleasure and only chastity for myself I think I could be happy with that. Please tell me what you think. I could really use some help. Thank you ~ CM"

Does that sound like me?
Does that sound like some of the other male chastity and FLM blogs around here?
and her answer:
"   This is, alas, one of those times when I really do not think male chastity is going to solve anything."
So me thinks I need a different tack.
Fix the relationship first.
Then have another go at WLM/FLR.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the down mood has a last post where he says he is giving up because she just can not get into it.

He says
For all of the would-be submissive men out there that would consider "outing" themselves to their wives, I have three pieces of advice:
1. Whatever you do, don't do anything to make her feel as though she's letting you down by not being the woman you want her to be. The WORST thing you can do is lead her to believe that she is not "doing it for you".
2. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're doing this for her. You aren't.
3. If you open the box, as I did, be prepared for anything. Rejection is a pretty bitter pill to swallow after opening up so completely.
He also says
We're a very ordinary married couple. Both of us are too uptight and conservative sexually, and our sex life is increasingly less fulfilling. 

Sort of rings a bell with me.

I think that he is very realistic when he says the above.  especially point 2.

It seems to be an interesting observation that historically men tried to subjugate women.  They submitted under duress or out of a sense of loyalty.  Wheras sub men seem to want to submit.  Yet the women do not want to be dominant or controlling.  Yet at the same time, they are. 

At least my wife is controlling but she does not recognise it.  She controls the calendar and the social life.  Filling it to over flowing with commitments and parties and meetings and so on.  Yet she does not recognise that as controlling.  She controlls the meals and the shopping.  What we have in the house foodwise is what she buys.  When I cook, I cook what she wants and with what she has bought and yet she does not see that as controlling.  From time to time she will buy me a piece of clothing.  A shirt, underwear even pants.  I wear them.  But if I were to buy her clothing, she would either tell me that I was buying that for me.  By that I mean that I was buying her something I found sexy in which case she would only wear it in the bed room or maybe out but only with me and if it were not placed in that category, it would be disgarded as being off fashion or did not go with anything.

The phrase "uptight and conservative sexually" caught my attention.  It describes us too.  The weird thing is though that once women get on a certain path they seem firmly fixated that that is the right path.  The normal path.  So for example, my wife would never in a million years do anything that she categorised as kinky.  She has reuctantly in days gone by sucked me and allowed me to lick her but I think she sees this as kinky and therefore wrong.  So she does not get turned on by me licking her and I have basically given up asking her to suck me especially since I have tried to go down this submissive path.  But as for kinky, when we were first married, she and I both were of the idea that the woman should submit to the man.  We even practiced this.  With me interrupting her and telling her I wanted sex.  Now to me that is kinky.  She would immediatly stop what she was doing and we would go into the bed room and have sex.  Likewise in the morning.  I might wake at say 3 am and and get on top and push in while she was sleeping and she would wake up and not object.  She would always wear a nightie and no undies except when she was on her period so that we both knew she was available.  Often she would apologise if she had resisted.  Now to my mind, this is kinky but in her mind it was the right thing for a good christian girl to do.

So somehow, we need to spice up our relationship.  And I believe consciously spice it up.  She needs to desire the closeness as do I.  Closeness does not equal sex in my view but sex is a part of it.  Liekwise I see spanking and submission and other bedroom activities as closeness and bonding.  But I think she seens any of this as kinky and therefore weird and to be avoided.

The reason to blog mentions that the WLM FLM relationship has not developed and that he had given up both the FLM and the blogging.

This got me thinking about why I blog and I think it comes down to firstly a way just to get some of my thoughts and frustrations out so I can get on with my life.  At the same time, writing helps me clarify what exactly I am thinking and feeling and sometimes a little of why.

Another reason is that I think I am looking for a substitute for her listening ear.
She is controlling but does not recognise it.  She does not want to be dominant in the kinky sense of the word.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Back to the personal

Have had a couple of somewhat academic posts recently theorising over this and that.

I figured back to the personal stuggle.

So we have the obvious physical sturuggle of chastity.  This is for me anyway easier if she is "in the loop".  Asking how I am going makes it easier.  Totally ignoring me leads me to feeling down.  Two extremes.  Recently she has been nice and is asking how I am going.  It's been a while.  I have not been tracking the actual date but last time it was a bit of an oops did not intend to cum. 

I also really find I enjoy thinking about her.  Almost a renewed courtship in a way.  The drive makes me put extra effort into helping out at home, cleaning up, doing things with the kids.  I know that "subservent Husband"  uses the term docile associated with his chastity and yet for me it seems to be the opposite.  Chastity with her encouragement leads to energy and chastity without her encouragement leads to anger.   Right now I seem to be over that initial hurdle of emotions associated with chastity.

OK so back onto the academic.  As I have said to her in the past, chastity is like a long foreplay.  Rewarding to me.

On the relegeous side, I have almost all my life believed that masturbation is wrong or at least not good.  From a moral point of view at least, a man fixated on or distracted by masturbation will not have the drive to get his wife to notice or somehow find that her sex does not live up to his fantacy of sex.

She however I think feels an obligation to have sex.  She recognises that she has a lower sex drive and translates that into low expectations.  I think she feels well its no big deal to have sex.  It's something he likes and based on past experience, if he does not get it then he gets frustrated.  So instead of dealing with the frustration, she takes the easy way out and just has sex.

This is unfocussed waffle.  It has turned into more random thoughts.

I should get on with some work!

Thursday, May 24, 2012


In my recent post titled random thoughts a couple of respondents commeted that the women may not be so keen to enter the FLR realm because they perceive it to require effort.

And indeed I would agree.

Upon reflection though I realise that anything worthwhile requires effort.

Now couple this with another observation and that is romance.  Romance requires effort.

I think we get a few years into a relationship and we get lazy.  Then the relationship gets stale.

Another poster has a mentioned on their blog the five love languages.

Last year my wife and I read this book and I agree with it.  Part of the story is as I read it that when we are first in a relationship we do everything for the other person and some of those things speak their love language.  Then over time, we unintentionally get lazy and end up really only doing for them the things that we think appeal to them but in fact we speak our love language.  ie we actually do for them the things that we see as loving rather than doing the things that speak love to them.  Then when one reads the book, one is challenged first to think then to try to work out their love language and then to speak it & do it.

Of course all that requires effort.

Now as read blogs.  blogs off all sorts.  It seems that bloggers are willing to put in effort.  maybe i do not put in the right effort or consistent effort.

The challenge of course though all of this is either how does one communicate to the wife that FLR does not mean effort or yes it means effort on her part but it is worthwhile effort.

Now I would rather the second as to me no effort also equates to no value.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Random Thoughts

I think that women are too far too subtle for men.

Maybe one of the reasons I have gravitated to this submissive idea is that perhaps I am looking for a clearer interface with my wife.  She says, He does.  Nice and clear. 
Do this -> Yes mam -> get sex. get attention.  Get reward.  Nice and straightforward.

Maybe the relationship was stale, boring and this was my way, however clumsy, of trying to spice it up.

I think though that women like to be romanced.  For the guy to think and do and plan little things and big things to show his interest in her.  I suspect that she sees the concept of the submissive man as at odds with getting romanced.  I suspect that she will think that an end result of a FLM will be that unless she commands a set of actions that they will not happen and anyway how romantic is it anyway if she has to ask me to do romance.  But I suspect that she sees that scenario in a FLM type relationship.

I was listening to the radio last night and they had women phoning in and discussing sex.  Must have boosted their male audience.  I was amazed at the number of women in their 20's who said that they had sex but had never had an orgasm.  They were phoning in to find out what  they needed to do to have an orgasm.  My answer to that is simple.  Tell the boy not to orgasm until he has gotten her to orgasm.  But still the interesting thing was if they do not have orgasm's, then what drives them to have sex? 

I think that many women make sacrifices to please their husbands and this seems at odds with the FLM idea where the guys want the woman to have enjoyment just for herself and that as a consequence we get enjoyment anyway.  On this line, when we were first married, we both came from pretty concervative christian backgrounds and we would practice her submitting.  Bad habbit for both of us as it made for what I call lazy sex.  Basically I would initiate sex and she would submit.  No chance of her reaching orgasm of course.  In I go and cum.  Its quick and it demonstrates sacrifice, submission.  I suspect though that it affected us both long term.  I forgot how to romance her and she associated sex with duty.  Now I am trying to change that but ingrained thoughts and actions are hard to change.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I wish people would comment

I wish people would comment.

I sort of came on line to chat.  Partly because it is rare for my wife to entertain discussions about sex.  I see others blog and get 8 or ten or more comments.  Yet I rarely get even one comment.  Why is that.  Is what I write so unengaging.  What is wrong with me I ask myself.  I do not seem to be able to "engage" my wife.  It is like little turns her on and talk on anything kinky is a sure fire way to switch off her libido and I do not seem to be able to engage others here either.  So I end up feeling mildly depressed, unimportant, un engaging, un appreciated.  Pretty much un everything.

If you are going to write one response this year, please write what is wrong with me.  Be honest.  Why is what I write of no interest to anyone?

submissive vs dependant

I suspect that my wife sees submissive as equating to dependant.  One time when we were having a discussion about the topic of me being submissive, she said "I do not need another child".

On the other hand to me, submissive means acceting direction willingly, not arguing and being an adult it means that I can be given a big job and just get on with it.

Maybe this next bit should be a separate topic in its own right too but I think men sexualise everything and it seems that women do and say things that men read in a sexual way and the women never even considered it sexual.

Today on the radio for example, a lady was being interviewed over some incident that had involved her 10yo daughter.  The daughter had been in some dangerous situation that may have involved the potential of harm or abduction or something and the daughter had negotiated her way out of it.  I did not hear the whole story but her mothers comment was she was so proud of her daughter but now wanted to lock her up until she get married to keep her safe.  Now my mind jumps into kinky mode just imagining whereas I am sure the mother really has no intention of locking the kid up and even if she did it is "for her protection"

So what has this got to do with my wife you may wonder.

Well for example, she says it really hurts her to indulge me by spanking me.  Hurts her deeply inside. So it seems her resistance is not just that she sees it as kinky.  In fact I suspect that if she simply saw it as a kinky game then it would be easier for her and it would be nice if she even enjoyed it.  At the same time, she is quite happy to spank our kids or to get me to spank them.

Another example is that I like plastic.  Plastic pants.  A plastic sheet on the bed and some baby oil and snuggling up all naked.  She does this occasionally to indulge me which is loevely but she hates it. She says so she hates plastic.  For a while earlier in the marriage we had a plastic mattress cover on the bed and she complained that it was hot, sweaty, uncomfortable and so on.  I just gave up because it was just too much effort and she never really bought in on enjoying it.  But she has plastic mattress covers on all the kids bed "for protection" "just in case".

And the list can go on.  Women will do things that they see as being in the interests of the child or that is practical and men will read sexuality or kinky into it all the way.

Not sure how these two lines of thought go together or even why I wrote them.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Female Coach

I was out on the water this morning and there were lots of people rowing and kayaking.  Some have a motor boat along side with a coach.

Then I smile as I see a rowing boat of middle aged men and along side in the motor boat coaching them are two women.  A teenage girl driving and a slightly older maybe 25yo female instructing the men.

dependant feeling

In response to me asking that my wife be more controlling of my orgasm, she said she wanted me to have a goal and that was the completion of a maintenance job at home.  So that has of course motivated me to get it done.  Yesterday I ordered some spare parts that will take a few days to arrive. 

I tried to suggest that she stroke me but she said "is the task complete".

Now I wait.  It is a strange feeling knowing that the next sexual encounter is completely out of my control.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

draging out a post

Read a post on how male blogs tend to be very sex and chastity focussed

These are my thoughts:-

I am a guy.
Yes fascinated by chastity.  Maybe it's a guy thing?  Maybe I sort off fall back on that due a total inability to understand women and my wife in particular.

Do I want sex - Absolutely.

So do I suspect most men.  Maybe that is why it features so much in men's blogs.

For me, part of the reason I blog is as a place to 'verbalise' my thoughts and feelings.  Sex is a big part of that. 

You know from time to time we (sweeping generalisation here) hear about how men do notshare their thoughts and feelings but my experience is no one wants to know.
My male friends are really not interested and to be honest neither am I interested in their feelings.  Sport, cars, camping, boating, fishing,, politics & religeon,... the list goes on but a discussion on your personal issues - I am just not interested.

The other reason is that my experience is that if I tell my wife then she takes it negatively.  Either I am too kinky for her to cope with or she takes it as a personal criticism of her performance, sexuality or whatever.

I think that women do like a man to know how to please.

I am trying to abstain to give her space to not feel like she has to give me sex.  I would much rather she felt free of 'obligation' and that into that space would come celebration.

Not till you finish your task

This morning I snuggled up to my wife in bed.
I tried to encourage her to touch me.
She said "Have you finished your task yet"
"No" I had to conceed.
"Well no reward" was her reply.

It's a win win situation.
I enjoyed her not letting me off the hook.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

ahhh oops

So last night we are in bed and she passes me the lube.
I put some on and get on top and push gently in.
I ask if she would like to roll over and she says yes.
(secretly I wish she would instruct me to roll over)
She was then on top and moving up and down.
She was teasing me but at the same time I was worried that she would not cum.
I tried to do everything right.
Hands on her bum not running them all over her body,
Making positive comments about how beautiful, fit and healthy she is.
After a long long time.  Well relativly speaking in terms of our usual love making, I tentativly asked if she was going to cum.
She moved into "I am going to orgasm mode"
It's a different movement somehow.
Then suddenly I felt I was loosing control.
I lay back still.  Arms out to the side.
She stopped moving.
I tried not to but......
Oh no "I'm sorry, I came"
Then I went limp.

 She did not seem disapointed.  She commented that she thought "it would all be too much for me".
She said she had orgasmed.  Don't know when she managed that but maybe as I came.

Anyway it was fun

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


As we drove in the drive tonight my wife said "when you put the bin out, put that garden waste in it".  It just sounded so much in control.  The sad part is that she really has no idea how commanding and in control she is.

Did the washing up.
Put some clothes away.

Before we arrived home she told me that on Saturday (kids sport day), she and her girl friends have a date in town and I will have to be super taxi driver and that I will have to work out when the kids games are on and I may have to organise one or two of them to get lifts.


So it is now I think 3 weeks since I have reached orgasm.

I have my task to finish and then orgasm.

It is interesting to ponder why it is that submissive men (just read all the blogs) want to either abstain from orgasm or have it controlled.  Maybe we see it as a gift.

I certainly see it as a challenge.
I feel weak that I can not resist in my own strength.
I know that it is possible to abstain because when I was a teenager I went to boarding school and to be caought 'wanking' was a sure fire guaranteed trip to the bottom of the social ladder.  Down with those kids who wet the bed and had a plastic mattress cover (of which I was secretly envious I should say) so I abstained.  I would go 14 weeks at a time with no masturbating.  Lots of wet dreams that were in themselves a nusance but considered in a way to be eveidence that one was not a wanker unless one had the misfortune of being labelled a wanker in which case one was snookered. 

Monday, May 7, 2012

A goal

Let me start by saying that it seems that she has very low libido and that sex is low on her list of things that are important to her.  Unfortunatly it seems that sex is equated with husband and so I am also low.

Then she has a thing about equality.  "We should both be involved in decisions" and she has a real hangup about the word "submit".

And any comment I make is taken as reminding her of how bad she is.  On this it seems that the positive comments go un heard and the wishes on my part are taken as infinite negative critcism.  So what to do?
Say only positive comments and give up on trying to communicate my needs, desires, wants, kinks etc.

So we had a short discussion about sex and the result was a joint decision that I would not get to cum until I had completed some task.  This task is a repair task and will take a couple of weeks.  OK thats fun but I suspect she sees this as 2 weeks no sex. 

I wonder what it is with women.  From 14-25years it seems that they will almost have sex with anything wearing pants then and certainly after kids, its like they hate sex, they hate spending time with their husbands and kind of wish that their husbands will just go away and just come back when called to fix the TV or the washing machine.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cold more than hot

OK so I am topping from the bottom.

This morning, I am turned on as usual.
No interest from the wife of couse.
A short discussion follows.
I ask what she is thining and as usual the answer is nothing about sex or me.  It is about what has to be done today.

So I am frustrated in an anoying lonely way.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Nothing today

She said last night
"It's too much effort"
I asked what is
she said "This is"
I asked "what"
She said " This controlling your sex"
"Oh" I said
Thinking - well I am doing more than ever round the house.
I am trying to be helpful, proactive, not shouting, doing house work and especially not touching or initiating sexual contact or conversation.
and you still think its too much effort.

So I am feeling somewhat frustrated and a little depressed I must confess.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Its been a few days

I am so tense. 
There is a yearning for sex.
Sometimes a glimmer of engagement that keeps my hopes alive.
In bed this morning she ran her hands over me and stroked my very hard penis just twice and wispered in my ear.  "It's been a few days".
and I said "yes" not wishing to push the issue but really hoping she would go further but that was it.
She got out of bed and the day started.

So I have mixed emotions.
On the one hand, Thankful that she has not ignored me.
On the other hand wishing for greater engagement.

But I guess I encouraged this path.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


I was reading and it got me thinking
(And very turned on).

Firstly the connection between submissive and weak ie is a submissive man not a "real man"?
Next the connection between weakness, femininity and submission.  ie in years past women were referred to as "the weaker sex" and when I was a kid the statement "your such a girl" implied weakness whereas I would suggest now that that statement actually implies strength, confidence, competence and so on.

Next the idea of humiliation. I would love for my wife to tease me and even tease me about my submission in public.  I guess that is humiliation in a way.  It is also making a statement along the lines of I am confident in myself.  Confident in my submission.  Confident in my wife. 

Just a few thoughts.

Interesting link

Tantric sex

Part 1

The kids were in bed and sleeping.  We sat on the lounge with some music on the stereo.  I brought her a glass of wine.  She was reading a book. 

She asked how I was going sexually and I said "Its a real challenge"
I asked if she was happy and she said "I just want to see you (meaning me) happy"
I said "well I think that we both want both of us to be happy".

I was really enjoying the conversation because it was about sex.

We had a discussion about cuming and as I read the situation, she sees it as part of the wifes duty to have sex.  I said well men don't have to have sex.  The physical pressure is just that physical pressure.  The body will release it if it gets too much.
I think that she actually gets enjoyment from me cumming.  Like a feeling of maybe value.  And that if I do not cum then maybe I do not find her attractive.

Anyway, at one stage I said can I show you something on the internet about men and sex.
She said "yes".
So I went and got my notebook computer and brought up the devotional sex web site

She took the notebook and read it for ages.
I just sat beside her reading over her shoulder.

At the end, she asked do I really get enjoyment when she cums and I don't.
I said "yes"  I really enjoy it when you cum.
She then said "You (mening me) get angry sometimes when you don't get sex"
I said "and that so disapoints me about myself"
"I feel weak if I can't abstain and I feel diapointed in myself if I do abstain but get angry"
"So it could be a loose loose situation"
"It can be a win win situation if I am focussed on you and I get encouragement from you both in terms of acknowleding the challenge and in you reaching orgasm and also I really wish that if I loose it that you punish me.  A carrot and stick"
She then just said "we'll see" and left it at that.

Ohh I so wish for more discussion
and a good flogging.