Thursday, September 19, 2013

sub theory

I see two incantations of submissive on the net.
As a generalisation I put them into these two groups

The FLM, WLM, sub male
The dom male and sub female.

In the traditional dom male sub female model which certainly dominates the porno industry the man dominates the woman.  In many stories there is a degree of coercion and in many there is a desire by the woman to submit to the man but for which the dominant needed to exert some power to push her into the submissive state.  It seems to me though that in this scenario or model a key part of it is that the dominant provides a secure environment for the sub.

However when I read here about FLR we have a lot of male submissiveness but not a lot of female leading.  Not a lot of females providing a secure environment for the submissive men.  I see here a lot of guys including me wanting to submit to their female. 

I ask myself is this just a middle aged crisis.  Is it a reaction to the women loosing interest in us.

Is it that we get to a certain time in our lives where we say to heck with supressing feelings that we have had for a long time.


  1. Middle age crisis?
    That and the apparent relaxation of inhibitions with age seem to indicate that FLR is more likely desired by those of us of mid to later age.
    Would be interesting to have a poll of submissive men and see what the average age is.

    1. Replying to myself.
      My wife made the comment over the weekend that this "thing" I was into was my middle age crisis. She said that at least I kept my crisis at home and didn't find a mistress or buy a sports car.

  2. However when I read here about FLR we have a lot of male submissiveness but not a lot of female leading

    I think that much of what one sees is a matter of perspective. That is, often we expect an FLR to look like a mirror image of the stereotypical male-led relationship - or more often, actually, like a fun-house version in which the roles are reversed and exaggerated.

    What I think happens more often, though, is that women (in general) "lead" in a different, less overt way. They aren't interested (and I'm generalizing here) in being a whip-wielding OWK mistress; more generally they're interested in having a loving, attentive man who will make their life easier.

    You know, just like vanilla women.

  3. I totally know how you feel. I want to be a submissive husband to my wife. Yes, there is certainly a sexual and kink component to it. Fantasies about chastity or edging and being controlled by my sexual urges feature prominently in my feelings....but I have given up on the commercialized view of "femdom". It frankly is not honest. Most women do not want that. Some might but frankly, I can't see a marriage working that way...certainly not one with kids.

    So I'm left with confessing my tendencies to my wife. In my case, she found them to be too much for her to contemplate. I would imagine she felt revolted. SHe assures me that she loves me but she feels like I am always "pushing" this on her.

    The irony is that in wanting to be submissive, I am being pushy....which leads me to wonder if I'm really submissive at all....or just kinky....and I like the notion of submission as a general concept....but I'm not the real deal.

    All I know is that my feelings are strong when I do the chores. I practically get off when she asks me to do them. I am not engaging in stealth submission but I really do feel that I am a better man when working in "sub-mode". I get things done, am attentive, It's perhaps not realistic to walk around being aroused all the time...I mean think of the accidents!

    I really wonder if there is any good that can come from this path. I am doubtful.

    1. I agree there is this conundrum that we want to be submissive and in doing so we push this on them. I think from time to time my wife plays to my fantasies.

      Problem is it seems that as she ages she becomes less interested in sex and in a way less interested in me. She becomes more interested in socialising with others. I have theories on that.

  4. Wow boys, this is an interesting post. ive been perusing the blogs, but just felt compelled to comment on yours. Understandably you guys are in need of some female advise. so, the reason you dont see as many women in the lead is because generally, in our culture, women are not encouraged to lead, instead we are encouraged to depend on our men to take care of us and provide for us a secure place. its a deeply embedded belief. so, it takes something, some moment of epiphany for a woman to realize more. the truth is right there, like a thought on the tip of your tongue, but you have to think deeply to come to the conclusion and if your moving along in life comfortably why would you decide to all of the sudden delve deep and uncover some truth that may blow away many of the concepts youve grown up with and have come to believe. most men have some physical upper body strength that women generally lack, when you factor in that most women bear children and therefore lose strength in theyre abdominal muscles, you can see why males have the upper hand physically. so, what does this mean for us women?, we simply dont expect to overpower our men physically to make him do what we want him to do. so, there are times that we need our men to do what we say. as caretakers of the children, we nurture the next generation, the most important thing to the survival of our species, therefore we think about them and we think about the home and we spend our lives in contemplation of the running of a household and the care of the family. therefore we know what needs to be done for the family, so why when we tell our men what to do, they often dont do it, they often think they know what is best. (im not talking about you guys of course, im sure you all know that your woman knows best, but maybe now you know why she is best able to make decisions about life and family).

  5. now, here is what you must come to understand, women are not weak, they have never been weak. if we can not overpower our men physically, we must find some other way to over power him. it is a necessity that we have control of our men, this is because we are ultimately responsible for the family. there are some concepts that exist as undercurrents in culture. at the same time that we are a male dominated society, there are these concepts that exist under the surface. the idea that men are more horny than women, and that they need sex more. the idea that men are ruled by their penises. that a man will do anything to get his hands on a sexy woman. that a woman will get a headache and deny her man sex when shes mad. that a woman will send a man to the couch, the guest room, the dog house when shes mad at him. that there is no life without wife, and that the home rests on the shoulders of a woman. all of these ideas are a part of our culture and they are examples of how women have some control over men in the vanilla world. it is a common conception that woman manipulate men with their feminine wiles. this means that we are using the male need and interest in sex and in mating with a preferred female to control him. this is a concept most women deny, but yes this is the way its done in the vanilla world. men are indeed being led around by their penises, just not physically. so women have developed these skills to get their needs and the needs of the family met. one of the things that we do, is often let the guy believe he is in charge. many times the alpha male is in charge and thinks he is in charge because of his physical prowess and strength. but the truth is that hes in charge because his woman let him be and let him feel that way. women dont care so much about competing with men for this position, we care more about having him stand in front while we walk in case an animal or criminal comes charging, and having him go out and hunt which was a very dangerous activity in the past, so that we can take care of the children at home, which is the most important task that one can have. so, women have been submitting to men for generations, but only so that we can get what we want. maybe this gives you a different view of the normal female male dynamic.

    1. I wonder if more women were more direct in their control whether everyone would be happier. The men because they get told exactly what is expected of them and the women because they get exactly what they want and don't have to put up with men who just don't get it.