Just want to submit

I woke up this morning really wanting to submit.
I want to abstain from orgasm.
I want to be whipped by her on a weekly basis.
Maybe it is a challenge.  Guys like challenges.
maybe if there was no possibility of me having orgasm, I would not get frustrated and anoyed when she was not interested.
My dream was that I be held off past the grumpy stage that I seem to get into about two weeks after sex.  So a minimum of 4 weeks abstinance.  And then only have sex where I orgsm if I have learned to control myself.
I would love it if she was on top and enjoying herself and orgasming and i was not allowed to orgasm.
It would give me a physically give me a way to implment self control and fee a degree of success.
Whereas at the moment, I not feel frustrated by the lack of enjoyable sex and the lack of firting by my wife, I also feel a lack of success in being able to self control myself either physically or in the words I speak. 

I see this as a way to achieve self control in general. 
Extended abstinance woud be frustrating physically but would lead to a feeling of "I can achieve something"
Plus if I only received sex after that if I said and did things to make her feel like having sex then that would help me get my thought and speach under control.

And being whipped.  I think the desire is is the reward I feel through physical touch.  It is painful.  It is totally focussing.  But unfortunately, she sees it as abuse and finds it hard to do and so does not really lay into me.  Yes it is painful but I would like her to whip me as hard as she possibly could.  It's a head spacething.  I would be happy for it to be either a weekly thing to remind me along with the physical pressure of abstinance but it would also remind me that she too is putting effort into the relationship or it could be as punishment when I loose it.  But I cant be both.  ie if it were to be a scheduled thing - say every Sunday night then it cant be punishment.  Different head space. 

Spoke too soon

On Saturday, I lost my temper with one of my kids.
She thinks this is due to tension caused by abstinance. 
She is probably right.
On Saturday night, I asked her to punish me.
She did whip me but it was a somewhat ordinary whipping

On Sunday morning we had sex and I came.
It was kind of a let down because
a) I had lost control of myself (Saturday)
b) I did not succeed in turning her on.
c) She did not cum
d) She did not hold me to abstain

So turned on

Woke up.
Hard on.
Can't sleep.
Know if I wake her or annoy her or pester her then it is likely to all be off.

On the plus side,  I had said in the discussion that when I loose it she should punish me by whipping me and then she moved on to say that  she needed a way to tell me to cool it when we are in public and I start to get angry or grumpy.  She said "I can't just start whipping you in public or even say out loud that you are going to get it when we get home"  So we are looking for a word or phrase for her to use to call me up and get me to behave appropriatly.

Suggestions?

lunch friday

Wife and I decided to go out to lunch today.
I came home from work, picked her up and we went to a local restaurant.
She looked at the menu and chose a meal and a wine and then just sat there.  Without saying anything more.  The message was clear though.  This was one of those restaurants where one has to order and pay at the counter and then the meals are brought to your table.  I got up and went and placed our order.

It may be back on again

Last night we were having sex.
She knew I wanted sex and we had had sex twice last weekend and she had orgasmed both times and both times it was with her on top at that point.

She asked me to be on top 'to start with' and I asked if she would like me to use some lube and she said 'no'.  I was not sure what to make of that so I tried to be very gentle as I pushed in.  She I think finds this part hard and painful a bit anyway as she screws up or tenses her face.  Anyway after I was in I asked if she would like to rollover so I was on the bottom and she was somewhat noncomittal so I just rolled us over.  Now she was on top.

She began to move and I decided I would try to hold off cumming the first time so I would remain hard if she wanted to cum a second time.  She was more animated than she had been for a while and it required a lot ofrestraint on my part but she came and then relaxed on top of me and I found that very rewarding.

After a while I said to her "what do you reckon about me abstaining for a while"
she said "what would that achieve"
I said "i'ts a challenge, learning self control, focussing on you, not getting into a cycle of expecting sex and then getting grumpy when it does not happen".
We discussed this a bit longer and then she said "Starting when?  Right now?"
And I said "gotta start sometime".
She said "OK" and lifted herself off me.

We lay there in bed with arms around each other.
Then she said "Go and get me some aloe vera from the pot plant on the verandah"
so I did. 
She anounced she was going to read in bed.  This is something that usually really annoys me.
After a while I asked if she had thought about how long she would have me abstain for.
She said "we will see how you are going in two weeks  then we may do it and then try for three or at the two week point we may just extend it to three"
I was so turned on.
The fact that she engaged in the conversation, the tease of not knowing whether 2 or 3 weeks.

I then asked her to whip me if I become grumpy or pushy or especially if I am anoying in bed and grope her or anything like that.

So now I am feeling great.  Turned on of course.  But quite clear headded.

Lets see how we go.

Nothing much

It seems that effort is a difficult thing.
On the one hand, it seems to me that my wife puts no effort into sex.  She puts a lot of effort into her various interests and projects.  Just seems that I am not one of those.
That then means that for me, eventually, attempting to be submissive and to focus on her, just runs out of steam.
If I get no feedback from her, no reward, no acknowledgement then it is kind of what's the point.

Now I in no way believe that men 'need sex'.  Yes there is physical pressure and that drives a desire for release.  I am willing to sacrifice that release for her or for our relationship.  If she does not need or want sex then that is OK.  But I guess I need intimacy.  I need some kind of feedback.  That could come from being told 'do this' or  'do that'.  Or if she does not want to boss me around as another child but wants me to be proactive then some thanks when I do things would be nice.  But as far as I can see I get no response from her.  If I do something then I have done it - ok but she says nothing.  If I don't do it then she does it and generally still says nothing although too much of this results in a 'you never do anything type of statement'

So I don't know and right now we just seem to exist in parallel universes that come together in the same house but thats about it.

nothing happening

She is not interested in my submission.
Makes it hard to be motivated.
Not sure what to do.