Tuesday, May 31, 2011

lost it and punished

Monday morning and I was feeling stressed.

I felt like my life was out of control.
I fekt frustrated. I felt she had made some wrong decisions and did not recognise it.
So on monday morning I told her.

Then as I drove to work I calmed down.
Then I became anoyed with myself.
How can I be submissive when I have this judgemental attitude.
I want to support her.
I want her to feel free, empowered, in power, in control.
I actually want my life to be controlled by her
So why did I feel so angry when I felt my life was out if control.

I think it was because I felt that it was not either under her control nor mine but just bouncing around being controlled by circumstances.

I phoned her and apologised for the way I spoke to her

Anyway, after the kids were in bed, I said to her that I think she should whip me.

She said that she understood that much of what I had said was right and I said that the reason she should whip me was because of the way I spoke to her. I was nasty and agressive and in any situation, that is not the way to treat someone.

I said "I do not like that about me. I want to change and whipping helps that" "It helps me catch myself before I do it, if I know there is a painful consequence"

Later when it was time for bed, I asked if she had thought about punishing me. She said yes and went round to the bedside table and took out the electrical flex that is used to whip me.

I was in my pyjamas so I pushed back the bed clothes and lay on my stomach.
She said nothing.
She whipped me lon my bottom about 10 times from one side of the bed. I lost count as I was dealing with the pain and concentrating on not crying out. Then she went round to the other side of the bed and did the same thing. Then she asked if that was enough or did I need more.

I actually don't like that question. I think because in a way, it is empowering me or at least giving me an option or making a decision about this. After a moment, I said "I think I should receive some more." So she did some more from that side and then came back to the first side and did some more. I just buried my head in my pillow and tried hard not to cry out.

When she was done, she put the chord back in the draw and got into bed.

She then said "I hope that doing it from both sides is right. I don't know".

I guess she is feeling very unsure.

I asked if she still felt bad about doing it and she said that she just does not think about it.

I said I appreciate her making the effort and I really hope that it makes her feel more in control, mor empowered.

I said I would like next time, that she say to me that I had hurt her and that she was going to punish me. I said its not like abuse because I am asking her and because I want, really want to change.

She said she would think about it.

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