Friday, August 9, 2013

Take care of your own sexual needs

We have been going to see a marriage councillor.

She the marriage councillor has said a few times that I should take care of my own sexual needs.

This grates with me.

To me a part of a marriage partnership is the idea of commitment, responsibilities, sacrifice and so on.  Duty is a word that comes to mind.

Like I have a duty to .....
say earn an income,
be sensitive,

And of course I would say she has duties too.

Now obviously there are traditional views of what those duties are.
But assume that we don't subscribe to the traditional views of who has what duties in a marriage, I suggest that in a marriage, the two people each do have duties or obligations to the other and that in this new paradigm that those responsibilities and duties or obligations one to the other would be negotiated.

In a femdom marriage presumably one would include a negotiation regarding the duty of the sub to obey.

However this marriage councillor has said quite bluntly that my wife owes me no obligation and certainly no obligation in regard to sexual activity.



  1. I hope your relationship is based on mutual love. I think it is 'normal' in such relationship to at least try to fulfil your partner's needs.


  2. Because of the length, this is going to be spit of into two or three comemnts, because the comment section will not let it all go into "one comment."

    I want to say that this is my own opinion based upon my circumstances and what I consider important. I too have been where you are at. I'm not a submissive, but I am a kinkster (and like both sides of the coin). This will be long, but hopefully you will be able to wade through this "long odyssey of pain and anguish."

    When you stated that your counselor said that your wife owed you "no obligation and certainly no obligation in regard to sexual activity." My head simultaneously tried to explode and augur itself into the ceiling. I believe that for the overwhelming majority of married people, wives want sex when they feel loved and husbands feel loved when they have sex.

    I married a very caring, intelligent, and beautiful woman that had a high sex drive- she initiated sex as much as I did (she is multi-orgasmic so I'm certain that helped). She spent a lot of time taking care of herself and it showed- she was almost always the most beautiful women for her age wherever we went. She is not perfect- she is not good with money, she doesn't make a decision unless she has to, and her time management skills are poor.

    For my part, I am also intelligent, and attractive (but not in the league as my wife). I too have always stayed in shape and can still wear the cloths from my college days. But my faults are: I can be abrupt, I prefer action over what I consider "navel gazing" and I am an adrenaline junky (before I was married, I had to sell my motorcycle, sports car, and give up skiing, because I always had to go a little faster and take the next turn a little tighter-which never ends well). For me, both of us staying in good shape was an outward expression of our desire to make us want each other.

    We kissed and hugged each other very frequently (to the complete and total embarrassment of our children) and actively tried to stay romantic, i.e. I have always kept flowers in the house (because she loved flowers, while I consider them to be just dead plants that don't know it yet) and I have always made it a point of drawing her bath on Saturday night (with bath oil in the water, a lighted candle tub-side, a glass of wine and several pieces of chocolate) even if no intimacy was going to occur later (because I have intentionally tried to keep my appreciation of her separate from sex). Now please understand, that there were friction points, but none very serious and all were soon over, because we actively sought each other's counsel and on the important things we were in agreement.

  3. When she hit menopause, it was like another person moved into her body. She did not turn into a crazy person, though she did become curt (her sharp words were quite manageable and how can I complain since I have been curt since a very young age) and had the normal hot flashes. But she gained a ton of weight, removed herself emotionally from me and only tolerated sex. In public she was the same person, but when we were alone it was like I just had a roommate that I shared expenses with. She would only tolerate brief hugs and kisses. She almost never said that she loved me, unless it was in response to me telling her that I loved her.

    Over a year's period, she reduced the sex and laid small hints (thus deniable) that all sex would cease at a later date. One night, she plainly stated that sex would cease in the near future, probably never to return. I remember getting this horrified gut-wrenching feeling, so I grabbed a bottle of wine and went out to the back patio. I sat there, drank, and cried. And that was the first time that I had cried in many many years.

    After I was just starting my second bottle of wine, she came out and asked ,in a very deadpan manner, if I was going to stay up late. Then she saw I was crying and she immediately showed concern and care, probably because she had never seen me cry. She and I talked for a long while. With great love in her voice and body language, she said that she still really loved me, but her position was that her sex drive was dying and would be dead soon, because her hormones were greatly decreased (She cannot take hormone therapy, because she had breast cancer.), but if I wanted to watch porn and masturbate, that was OK with her. Now she said this in a very caring manner, but she also said it like it was non-negotiable. She also told me that her counselor from years ago (her brother died in a car accident before we were married and she went to a shrink once a week for a year) told her that no one should depend upon another for their happiness.

    I told her that I thought that the counselor did not know men. After many minutes of me expressing my feelings (Basically, that her emotional and physical rejection of me was her rejection of my love and her gaining weight was an outward act to drive me away, because she knew it was important to me.). Then, I asked her if we should get a divorce or could I have a girlfriend. Now, my mother had a very serious emotional and physical affair; which destroyed my family and ended in divorce. My wife knows that I am mentally scarred about adultery and divorce, so for me to say that was out of the realm of possibility. The look on her face was one of complete shock. She asked me to come inside and hug her in our bed.

  4. Over the next several days, we really talked about what was important, what we wanted, and what we needed. We negotiated in a very caring manner, but it was still a negotiation. We agreed: 1) she would actively try to be loving around me (even if she was "faking" it), she would work at getting back into shape (the fact that couldn't wear any of her old wardrobe may have also has something of an incentive) and that she would try to have sex at least twice a week; and 2) I would not feel rejected if her body language seemed contrived, if sex only occurred every two weeks I would not complain (and if it was only sex and not "making love"), we had to verbally plan on the time to be intimate (so she could mentally get in the mood) and I would get back into shape (I had gained over 15 pounds since the beginning of this train wreck).
    Life hasn't been perfect, but we are in a good place. Probably because we no longer let issues fester and are willing to compromise. We now talk about our emotional and physical feelings at least twice a month, because we never want to live in that black hole again. My wife states that she now almost always enjoys our sexual relations because: she can mentally prepare to enjoy each other; she knows that this is a very important part of our relationship and so this brings me closer to her: and she does like the orgasms.

    Back to my opinion on mental counselors. I will tell you about a party I went to in the mid 80s (before I met my wife), when I was in the Marine Corps. My Dad was a doctor (he died years ago). As a group, doctors are very impressed with their own intelligence and abilities in areas that they have no experience in. But my Dad always seemed to cultivate really good people, who for the most part were also doctors. I was home on leave and my Dad asked me to stay for a party with his friends.

    At this time, I was serving at the Marine Corps Recruit Depot, San Diego, so I dealt with psychiatrists on a weekly basis, because we get a fair share of unstable recruits. I was introduced to a friend of my Dad's who was a psychiatrist (I'll call him Joe). Without a moment's thought, I said something to the effect of, "Nice to meet you, can you please tell me why most psychiatrists seemed to be as batty as their patients (I told you I can be abrupt- but polite). Immediately there was silence around us. You would of thought I had put lemonade in my scotch. Joe stared at me for at least 10-15 seconds and then started laughing like Santa Claus (heart-felt and very loud). Then, Joe got very stern and asked me if I was serious or was I trying to get a rise out of him.

    I explained my situation: that I dealt regularly with about 6 different psychiatrists. Out of a 100 recruits we had about 2 that had no business touching a rifle and about 2-4 that would make up any story to get out of the Marine Corps. Of the 6 doctors I regularly dealt with, three were good people, two were as crazy as a hatter and one was hot and cold. For the next several hours we talked like the party did not exist.

  5. Joe's basic opinion was that almost all of the people in the mental health community were there because they either had a close exposure to a family member who had serious mental health issues (his older sister had been raped at an early age and dealt with it very poorly) or they were dealing with their own mental health issues. Since they were unstable themselves, their diagnosis's were also unstable.
    A few months after talking with Joe, I started dating my future wife. She was seeing a mental health counselor, because of her brother's death. My future wife and I saw each other almost every day and I started noticing that she always seemed worse after her counseling sessions, but when I prodded I got nowhere (probably because my lack of tact). I had (and still have) a gut belief that her counselor was a part of the "unstable group." After we got married, I was transferred to a new duty station and I convinced her not to continue seeing a mental health counselor for a couple of months. She has never felt the need to go back- surprise, surprise.

    I am a Christian (If you are not a Christian, it is hard to explain it, because we are as big a group of misfits that was ever collected under one tent and the only common thread is a belief in the Trinity). And the Bible says that two become one; which to me means that I am supposed to depend upon my wife for my happiness- not as some parasite, but as someone who makes me complete.

    Now please remember that I cannot recommend you mirror your actions on what I did. I firmly believe that it is working for us because: 1) we both love each other; 2) my wife knew that my declaration on adultery or divorce was so counter to who I am that I was at a critical juncture; and 3) we are willing to work together.

    My recommendation is to get another counselor- fast. If you are a stable person, and you feel at a gut level that what your counselor is telling you is wrong, then you have the wrong counselor. Oh yes, fetish does not equal unstable. It been my observation that crazy people know they are crazy.

    I am sorry that this is so long, but your counselor's comment really hit a nerve, because if my wife took your counselor's words to heart, I would most certainly be divorced from the person whom I truly feel is my better half.

  6. I forgot to add that I really value your blog. Though our situations are different, they are similar. Since the "long odyssey of pain and anguish," I actively try to find ways to look at my relationship with my wife at new angles. Your blog is really helpful.

    I feel confident that there are many lurkers out there. And I would still be a lurker if you had not commented on your counselor's recommendation.

    It took me all of this evening to write what I have written (too long and not well), so I appreciate the time you spend putting your thoughts on script.

  7. Hi Anonymous,
    Thank you for your long and detailed posting.
    I have read it and need to process it.
    A couple of points that jump to mind.
    a) We are Christians. Attend church pretty much every week. Involved with it. Running youth groups and what not.
    b) I know one psychiatrist who in my view seems to border on a breakdown. On the other hand I know a psychologist who is very level headed.
    Thanks again.
    This short reply hardly seems to do your posting justice.

  8. Hi Anonymous,
    I mused over her loss of sex drive.

    I thought off all the fem dom stuff where preventing or limiting men from having an orgasm was all part of it.

    You know it is for me that I crave her attention. A good whipping is as good if not better than an orgasm. Knowing she is interested in me if that makes sense. OK if she does not want sex but that is different from not wanting me.

    It would seem to me that when women need men they give sex and probably not consciously recognise that they are giving sex to get whatever they want. But in recent years with the advent of the nanny state there is no reason for them to need anything from men. So the desire for sex evaporates and is not replaced by anything. A bit like pheromones. Hard to actually identify but we suspect they exist and we see the effect of them.

  9. just a comment about the female sex drive for you guys. womens sex drive is obviously hormone related. but also if a woman lives life without being sexually satisfied the sex drive may not develop strongly or it may transfer to more romantic thoughts and fantasy. i think a woman's sex drive is just as strong as a mans, but maybe we are more flexible with it and have an easier time serving our needs in another manner. that would make it seem like our drives are not as strong or that we dont need sex as much as man.

  10. Thanks Alien Queen,
    I think that mens sex drive is driven by a physical pressure whereas a womans sex drive starts in her head. I agree that hormones play a part but other factors like busyness, security, time, comfort, feeling loved, feeling needed and so on all come into it.
    Love to hear more.