Friday, November 23, 2012

sexual tension

It is still ages since I last had orgasm.
I did go through a gloomy patch as you would have seen in my recent post and I still wish to converse with others.
Right now feeling good.

As you would have seen I was feeling a bit bla.  This lead to a conversation with my wife and I realised that she does a lot of things for me that I do not realise are efforts made on her part.

Not sure where I am going with this line of thought.

Funny to feel good when you want sex but your wife says "no".
I think a great deal of how one (well me anyway) feels is in how the ther other person says it and why.
If she were to ignore me then I would feel bad.
If she says "no" because that is what I want then that is good.  Frustrating but good.
If she says "no" because she does not want sex then that is good and bad.  It is good because in a way that is what I want.  By that I mean not that she does not want sex but because she has the confidence to say "no".  On the other hand, part of my wish is that she would want sex more and that in order to get it then I have to make the atmosphere conducive for her to want it.  If that makes sense.

Now in a recent post, I asked for discussion.  Now one of the things that I am not good at obviously is stimulating discussion.  Posing a question or a problem in such a way as gets discussion going.

So I am asking for your help here in terms of suggestions on how I should do this.  There is an uncanny parallel between my virtual life here and my life in the real world esp when it comes to communication.

So chip in with some suggestions if you can.



  1. I feel exactly the same way with regards to wanting to have sex and her saying 'no'. y wife as a few rules around when we have sex (only on weekends, kids have to be asleep) in addition to the other rules such as I am not allowed to ask her for it. Of course we men have ways of signalling we might want it (eg, spooning her with my erection obnoxiously poking into her butt). But she is usually pretty forthcoming when it comes to refusing me sex.
    A few weeks ago I came to bed early because I was tired and she offered me sex, which I readily agreed to of course. Afterwards she told me she only had sex because I wanted it and I would be upset if it didn't happen, which wasn't that case. It seemed like a step backwards for me. I have expressed that she only has to have sex with me when she feels like it and I will be patient no matter how insistently that little fella pokes her butt. I have also asked her to use sex as a reward for good behavior but she doesn't seem to like that idea. I guess we have found an equilibrium, but I will continue to try and edge her more towards a proper FLR.
    I guess my point is that we all have difficulties and when you are a horny as hell these feel worse than they are. The point of an FLR is her happiness, so concentrate on that and be patient. Freaking out that it isn't happening the way you want it will only freak her out and you won't have any FLR at all!

  2. Hi ChefEm
    Thoughts in random order here.

    I wonder if spooning is a bit too obvious. :)

    Quote Afterwards she told me she only had sex because I wanted it and I would be upset if it didn't happen, which wasn't that case. It seemed like a step backwards for me."

    I know exactly how you feel

    I my wife has said she does not want to use sex as a reward. But to me when you step up to a bigger picture that is is ineesance what happens a lot anyway with women. Sweeping generalisation but you may recall the saying "Men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love"

    I would say one point of FLR is her happiness. But I would also say it is his happiness too.

    Thanks for your very interesting post.

  3. Thanks for your reply, writing the post has spurred me on to talk with her about it. I asked her about 2.5 years ago to enter an FLR and initially her response was extremely positive, but when I asked to use orgasm as reward she looked at me like i had lost my mind, so the result was our FLR sort of just drifted along aimlessly.

    But this morning we woke up and she asked if I wanted sex and i jumped on the opportunity to ask her again, and I am pleased to say her response was very different. She asked if I realised that her libido is very low and it may lead to very infrequent sex and when I assured her that it was fine for me she was all on board this time. I explained the point of keeping my orgasms timed to about once every 3 weeks and the linking my orgasm to my behaviour, which she seemed to understand. This led to us setting up a sort of weekly ritual that I initiate to get her to think about it, so time will tell if we can make it work or if she will take the reminder to feel guilty and allow me orgasm every week.

  4. Hi ChefEm,

    To me tease on her part can go a long way to make me feel wanted and understood and therefore to feel good.

    I think my wife gets lazy when it comes to sex and actually so do I. Having sex as a reward for me motivates me to do things for her. I do canfess that if I do these things and she does not notice or respond then that is a bit of a downer.

    I make a list of things that seem to lead to enjoyable sex
    Clean house esp clean kitchen.
    lit Candle in room

    Good luck.