Thursday, December 20, 2012

A depressing conversation

I had a conversation with my wife last night as we lay in bed together.

We discussed sex and she made it clear that she did not like the BDSM thing that I do.  (I think she just does what she does to me to humor me or because she loves me).

This is the jist of what turns her on or gets her turned on.
A calm household.  No arguing children.  No fighting with the children.
Candle light
Tickling on the shoulder
Plain old fashioned sex with one on top and one under and both coming together.  Use lubricant if required.

So to gain a little clarification I asked a few questions.
It is my undersatnding that she and others think that I jump to conclusions and pigeon hole what people say to me.  That I assume I know what they have said and in an attempt to do that I categorise or file it in my mind in an existing storage location if that makes sense.  Several people have told me essentially the same thing.

So I thought the thing to do is ask questions and to feed back what I thought I heard.

Asking questions seemed to get interpreted as "You did not listen to what I said"
Feeding back seemed to get interpreted by her as "You are telling me what I think"
So I felt Stuffed.

I was going to say I felt fucked but I think I would like to consider "I felt fucked" to be "wow that was mind blowingly good"

So now how to turn this to the good.
There are too few hours in ones life to spend them all sulking.  I've done the sulk.  Its early in the morning, I am sitting at the beach, got a coffee, the sun is rising over the eastern horizon, the sky is blue and the clouds are whispy.

So I look at her list,  Pathetically short as it maybe
I note that and I tried to clarify it by engaging in some of that frustrating questioning that she does not even start thinking about sex until the shoulder touching or some other physical act by me.  So she does not come into the bed room thinking "I will tease him and strip tease, nore does she come into the bed room hoping that he (me) will try to turn her on.  It's simply come into the bed room, get into PJ's and get into bed.  I would say 99.9999% of the time she is either a) thinking of sleep, b) thinking of all the things she organsises and has to do or c) not thinking just doing.

So what can I do?
Well getting back to that list
Kids arguing - OK I will try there but as she has such control over the house I find that particularly hard.  We never throw anything out so their rooms are full of clutter.  Desks are covered in crap.  There is no room to play.  Clothes.  OK I will try to ensure that clothes are folded and put away. 
Maybe engage in that feminine way of simply doing.  Live with the short term consequences of her anoyance.  So clothes that the kid no longer wants might simply disapear.  No point in asking her because she wont throw them out.  At best they will go into a bag to give to someone.  There are three bags of clothes that grace our front hall that I am sure are designated for someone or other.

Candles - I will move a candle into our bed room.  I think it will have to have a tall candle stand.  We have a dressing table.  Her side is 800mm high in clothes.  My side is 25mm high of junk.  I will clear my side.

So there I have a couple of ACTIONS.

Couple this with trying to keep the kitchen clean.  She does most of the cooking but I will try to make sure that the kitchen is clean.  Think I will in the post christmas sales buy a dishwasher and install it.  I think for these things I will give up for a while asking questions and just "do".  I suspect that she finds thinking about and answering trivial questions to actually be streessful.  I know that when she asks me those sort of questions I find it stressful.


  1. It is impossible to feel sexy and playful in a disorganized environment. And i suspect that if your wife is the hoarder, and not you, that she has other issues that need to be dealt with. I am afraid that not much is going to change for you all until you decide how you are going to create an atmosphere conducive to enhancing your sex life, and execute the plan. I think you could take more responsibility for clearing the hoard if she is able to handle that. I see that as a major issue.

  2. I would echo MsNaydi's comment. I once lived with 'your wife'. It is so frustrating because you have so much stuff and yet you can't access but a small fraction of it. The rest just sits and makes the entire room feel busy, and you feeling tension within. I think that your wife needs to get help with this. Read her books on this. Go see a counselor. But to just chuck it out..... well isn't that topping? Isn't that going against her will? I see the tension with your position in wanting to submit while married to a woman that can't see the problem she has created and needs help - from you - to solve and work through. I feel your frustration. Believe me, I do.

  3. Start just doing things to keep the house clean and organized. I bet she will like it even though you might be thinking now that she is fine with things laying around all over the place.

    Put her clothes away for her. Clean up clutter. Iron her shirts. Don't ask just do. Put clutter away, gather clothes that are too small and take care of donating them yourself.

  4. Hi wonderful responders,

    I agree with the "Don't ask just do" thing. She has said she does not want another child, I am not a child, etc.

    The quietly disapear thing could be interpreted as "topping from the bottom" maybe it is. On the other hand maybe it is just dealing with almost rivial detail. There is my observation that she simply can't let go of stuff and so it may be a releif to her not to have to think about what is in realty pretty trivial. We will play this a bit by ear.

    I used to be just as bad a hoarder. Tools, bolts & screws as well as university notes, books, bank statements and the list is endless. A few years ago I had an epiphany and started to clear space in my life. Even now I keep more than I should and it really takes effort to chuck junk out knowing that as soon as it is gone you will need it.

  5. I feel your pain. I am in a situation similar to the one you describe, and this is what is working for us.

    1. You both must be certain that you are in love.
    2. You must be certain that she understands your wants and desires (both sexual and non)
    3. You must understand her (see above)

    ** From reading your blog, I am assuming the above 3 statements are true **

    4. Put more into the marriage than she does. This was hard for me, but became easier over time. Let her see that you are really working to make her happy (not only in the bedroom).
    5. Do not put any pressure on her for quid pro quo.
    6. Wives are smart and observant and will not want to feel like they are not contributing. She will remember your earlier conversations with her, and consequently those things that are important to you.

    Gross generalization to follow:
    Vanilla wive are not comfortable doing kinky things if their vanilla world is not in order. You must "double down" in vanilla life before she will take brief walks with you along kinky street.

    Best wishes, my friend.
    In your shoes

    1. Thank you Anonymous,
      Sometimes I wonder about 1 and 2.
      3.There is no doubt that no man can understand a woman and that is true for me too. :)
      4. I need to put in more effort.
      5. A mistake I make almost daily.
      6. That they are (Smart that is)
      I agree I need to do more.

      Thank you for your insightful observations.