Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the down mood

http://happywifehappylife.blogspot.com has a last post where he says he is giving up because she just can not get into it.

He says
For all of the would-be submissive men out there that would consider "outing" themselves to their wives, I have three pieces of advice:
1. Whatever you do, don't do anything to make her feel as though she's letting you down by not being the woman you want her to be. The WORST thing you can do is lead her to believe that she is not "doing it for you".
2. Don't fool yourself into believing that you're doing this for her. You aren't.
3. If you open the box, as I did, be prepared for anything. Rejection is a pretty bitter pill to swallow after opening up so completely.
He also says
We're a very ordinary married couple. Both of us are too uptight and conservative sexually, and our sex life is increasingly less fulfilling. 

Sort of rings a bell with me.

I think that he is very realistic when he says the above.  especially point 2.

It seems to be an interesting observation that historically men tried to subjugate women.  They submitted under duress or out of a sense of loyalty.  Wheras sub men seem to want to submit.  Yet the women do not want to be dominant or controlling.  Yet at the same time, they are. 

At least my wife is controlling but she does not recognise it.  She controls the calendar and the social life.  Filling it to over flowing with commitments and parties and meetings and so on.  Yet she does not recognise that as controlling.  She controlls the meals and the shopping.  What we have in the house foodwise is what she buys.  When I cook, I cook what she wants and with what she has bought and yet she does not see that as controlling.  From time to time she will buy me a piece of clothing.  A shirt, underwear even pants.  I wear them.  But if I were to buy her clothing, she would either tell me that I was buying that for me.  By that I mean that I was buying her something I found sexy in which case she would only wear it in the bed room or maybe out but only with me and if it were not placed in that category, it would be disgarded as being off fashion or did not go with anything.

The phrase "uptight and conservative sexually" caught my attention.  It describes us too.  The weird thing is though that once women get on a certain path they seem firmly fixated that that is the right path.  The normal path.  So for example, my wife would never in a million years do anything that she categorised as kinky.  She has reuctantly in days gone by sucked me and allowed me to lick her but I think she sees this as kinky and therefore wrong.  So she does not get turned on by me licking her and I have basically given up asking her to suck me especially since I have tried to go down this submissive path.  But as for kinky, when we were first married, she and I both were of the idea that the woman should submit to the man.  We even practiced this.  With me interrupting her and telling her I wanted sex.  Now to me that is kinky.  She would immediatly stop what she was doing and we would go into the bed room and have sex.  Likewise in the morning.  I might wake at say 3 am and and get on top and push in while she was sleeping and she would wake up and not object.  She would always wear a nightie and no undies except when she was on her period so that we both knew she was available.  Often she would apologise if she had resisted.  Now to my mind, this is kinky but in her mind it was the right thing for a good christian girl to do.

So somehow, we need to spice up our relationship.  And I believe consciously spice it up.  She needs to desire the closeness as do I.  Closeness does not equal sex in my view but sex is a part of it.  Liekwise I see spanking and submission and other bedroom activities as closeness and bonding.  But I think she seens any of this as kinky and therefore weird and to be avoided.


  1. I could have written your last paragraph word for word. I want more intimacy, for me it doesn't equate to simply more sexual encounters per week, it is about exploring closeness, intimacy, and sex at a different level.

    Seems that men like us want that, but our women do not always have that need for something more, or if they do, since it involves something "kinky" and not traditional/normal, it is better avoided.

    How to get past that......

  2. Just curious, how does your wife feel when she realizes that she is not satisfying you? I would imagine that for a good vanilla "non kinky" religious girl --- that would be unsettling to her. I have discovered that the only thing more painful than not being pleased is - not being able to please your lover.

    the purple crayon

  3. Hi Anonymous,

    Indeed the how to move ahead is the really big question.

    I just posted a point though that I may have to work on the relationship and not use chastity as a vehicle to fix the relationship.

  4. Hi Purplse crayon,
    I am not sure how she feels. Possibly as disapointed as myself. We have a communications issue.

    I agree that the only thing more painful that not being pleased is not being able to please your lover.

  5. He really makes some great points that I completely agree with, especially 1 and 2. We aren't really sexually conservative and know how to have fun, but my pressure for kink and has really cooled my wife to the idea of kinky fun. I wrongly went down the path, ignoring 1 and 2 above and as a result, have to start all over again, truly keeping what she wants in the forefront of everything I do and say.