Thursday, July 14, 2011

The wife returns and I am saddened

My wife returned from her conference last evening and I am not so excited.  I guess I built up hope in my own mind about how things could progress and those hopes were dashed.

This is a "letter" that I wrote to her.  I won't send it to her.  It's just my cathardic self exercise to try to get the negative thoughts out of my system.

Here we go......

Last night I asked "Am I pushing the right love language buttons"
I received a non comittal answer.
I continued to enquire if you had read the "5 love languages book" and I received a sort of vague answer that you may have read some of it.
I asked if you were going to read it and I received another answer that left me wondering.  You said that you were busy right now and did not have time to read it but that you "might read it in the holidays" [note1 below]

So I am perplexed.  Not understanding.

I thought WE had a problem.  A problem in OUR mariage.
So I had been taking steps to try to address my perception of the problem.
Last year I went on the Landmark course.
Later I tried a totally different approach to our relationship - Attempting to hand you the control that I perceive you wanted.
I got the impression that you wanted me to read the "5 love languages".  I thought that you had read it and saw value in it and wanted me to benefit and to heal our relationship.  So in my new found enthusiasm to try to recover our mariage, I started and have almost finished it.

So now I am left wondering.

I know last night that you said that you are hesitant because you do not know when I will have my next mood swing.

So I perceive that you perceive that I have a problem.

I also perceive that you think I have another problem and that is that I criticise you.  This in its self leaves me with a problem and that is that if I express my feelings then it is taken as criticism of you and is turned around back on me at some time in the future.    [which is why I will not be showing this 'letter' to her]

I perceive that negative criticism by me is taken to your heart and that it stays lodged there.  Recently you reminded me that I used to say "get up get up you lazy cow".  Now when did I say that?  In the first year of marriage. 16 years ago. I am not sure when but it was a long long time ago.  And you expressed to me way back then that you found it hurtful and so I stopped using that phrase.  Yet now, many years later, it is brought up.  I assume because it still hurts you.  I am sorry.  So sorry.  I can not undo what I did or said in the past but somehow I ask you to try to move on too. 

Forgiveness comes to mind.  I suspect that until you can forgive me, that you will continue to be burdened by my past and your past - our past.

I wonder if you like the current state of play.  Our relationship in a perminant state of discontent.  Some sort of cumfort through your misery.  Perhaps you are scared to be "in love" with me again.  Perhaps having me mentally / relationship frustrated helps you maintain control.  Even though you do not overtly wish to control.

I have to confess that I do not think you trust me.
You left me "in charge" and that was fine while you were engrossed in your conference.  It seems to me that as you started the long drive home, your thoughts turned to home and
a) You offerred to make dinner. But then you were so late and I was left to expend even more effort to organise our eldest to prepare dinner via telephone instructions all at the last minute.
b) you got involved in organising transport for #2 sons soccer training.  But did not organise it to completion.  You handed me a half organised problem for me to solve yet had you trusted me and just left it to me then it would have been taken care of.  I could have understood you contacting me to ask had I remembered to organise the transport but that was not the way you chose to play it.

So there we go.  Where to from here.  How to recover trust, find forgiveness, rekindle love & lust and have a fun life together.

[note1]"might read it in the holidays"
How should I interpret this?
You have been going to clean up your study "In the holidays" for the last half a dozen holidays.
"No time now"?  I have seen you read Harry Potter and other novels.  You find time for the things that are important.
I suspect that you are fearful that reading the 5 love languages will eventually result in you facing a difficult set of decisions for you.  The call to self to take steps, conscious steps within our marriage to heal our relationship.  Steps toward loving me.  At the moment I think you love me as a person but you are not "in love" with me and I think you fear being "in love" with me.

And that dear kinky bloggers is what I would like to tell my wife but dare not because it will just deepen her conviction that I am negatively judgemental and that everything I say to her.

That feels better.  Off my chest.  On with the day.

What should I do for her today...


  1. Oh... I'm very sorry. Yes, don't send this letter. Hopefully you both can get to a place more *positive* soon (a path I recommend, if it's possible)... best wishes!

  2. Have you tried reading one of the books by David Schnarch?
    René and I read one (or at least most of it) about two years ago. I cannot tell you right now which one it was, because we read it in German and its German title does not really match any of the English ones. (If you are interested, I'll try to find the English title later.)
    We didn't find it helpful for our own relationship, but reading your latest entry gives me the impression that there might be something in it for you.