Sunday, May 15, 2016

Feeling v reality

Feelin' low.  Who wants to interact with someone who is down, depressed, low?

Sometimes it is better not to ask I guess.

I asked my wife "Do you love me" and her answer was yes she loves me as a person but she does not love me in a sexual sense.

Makes me feel less of a man.  Not a man at all.  Not a anything at all.

Silence v violence
We hear & see a lot in the media about violence against women and my sin it would appear is that from time to time I end up shouting at her in the middle of the night.  Maybe I should mark on the calendar when I actually loose my cool like that.  My suspicion is once or twice a month at the absolute most and often several months with no shouting at all.  My suspicion is my wife would suggest three - four times per week. 

When I asked if she could elaborate on why she did not love me the middle of the night shouting was brought up.

It seems to me that she holds onto the baggage and magnifies it.

One specific example that did stick with me was one time she told me that I had shouted at her every night in a particular week and I asked her if I had herd right and she confirmed that I had shouted at her *every* night.  I'd been out of town at least two of those nights on business.  So *every* was actually 1 or maybe 2 but she was expanding that to be pretty much continuous.

So having a bit of a sulk here.  Partially an unload time out to try and clear the negative thoughts.
Deep breath here.

One of my frustrations is her silence.  She rarely talks about her feelings.  I pour my heart out and she is silent.  Couple this with her zero libido and lack of erotic love for me and her unwillingness to talk leaves this huge silent hole in our conversation and I then just get frustrated.  It's another downward spiral.

So the media are pushing how bad violence against women is (no argument there) but is not the freezing out of men by women at least a little bit bad?


  1. "She loves me as a person but she does not love me in a sexual sense."

    I would never tell you what to do, but I would have to get a divorce under those circumstances. That's a "must have" for me to stay married to someone.

    I hope you get the strength to do what you need to do for yourself to find happiness. I get the sense that your wife is not too interested in making you happy.

    Maybe a therapist could help you find clarity on what you want and how to get it.

    Good luck, brother.

  2. Hi anon,
    Thanks for the thoughts. I agonise over the divorce as I feel a degree of responsibility for the kids.

    I think the therapist is a good idea. Just had a bad experience with one last year. Still I think carrying a degree of resentment.

  3. Couple of thoughts:

    1. Finding a good therapist can be hard. My wife has a fantastic one. The ones I had were OK, but not like hers.

    2. Unless your really good at hiding it, your kids may see your sadness and may see you putting up with chronic unhappiness. That may not be what you want to have happen.

    I watched my Dad live like that, and I eventually modeled his behavior and stayed in a relationship for way too long despite being really unhappy. I probably internalized the (implicit) message that you are supposed to just put up with the unhappiness. In therapy, I realized I had the right to pursue my own happiness, and then I moved on. Now, I have a great wife. Just food for thought. The divorce thing with kids is a difficult conundrum. But the answer is not necessarily just to maintain the status quo.

    Good luck in any event.

    1. Thanks for the note. I think the kids do know of the tension. I agree the status quo has to change. This is killing both of us.