Monday, May 30, 2016

Intimacy. Busyness & tension

I crave intimacy.  At present the wife is 'intimate' to a degree.  But to me the relationship is tense.  I read many blogs that just seem so free.  Whether it is the male or the female who is the dom or the sub, it seems that the kink or BDSM world encourages communication and that seems to me to be essential for intimacy.

I was reading a stimulating posting on intimacy here
I'm going to quote his quote

Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.

Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.

We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.
All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clichés of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.

Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”

I feel, I think .... betrayed.  I feel that by sharing my kink with my wife that I have pushed her away.  Reduced intimacy.  What I really crave I have lost.  Possibly the more I crave it the more desperate I become and the less likely I am to receive it.  I ponder to, maybe she feels betrayed.  I wonder if she had a certain mental picture of what a husband should be like and when I did not fit that picture, the shutters went up.

We had her brother stay with us over the weekend.  He knows we have been having marital issues.  This morning he sat with the two of us and asked if we wanted to hear his take on what he observed over the weekend.  We both agreed.  He served it out to both of us.  I had to suck up that I was not perfect.  He had observed a conversation between my wife and I where I had walked out of the kitchen in the middle of the conversation and she had apparently just looked at the ceiling.  I will make a conscious effort to ensure the conversation is finished before leaving in future.  He though was able to tell her several things that I have felt.  Like he pointed out that she being so busy was hurting the marriage.  That she rejected others offers of help and then would be run ragged doing doing and doing.  For example apparently one of our kids offered to help make lunch.  After offering two or three times and being rejected she said that he could peel  carrots.  She then proceeded to get a carrot of the bag and peel it despite him asking repeatedly for the peeler and insisting that he can do it.  (He's 14 BTW). 

So I guess I feel there is a lot of tension at home and a lot of lightness in blogland.

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