Tuesday, May 10, 2016

How do you show you love someone

It feels like she does not love me.  It feels.....

Got me thinking how do we show someone that we love them?

I think my wife loves me but it does not feel that she does.  It seems that she does not listen to me.  It feels like I keep saying what I like but it is like she ignores that.  Then I rightly or wrongly take it that she does not love me.  That she does not care enough to listen and react to what I say. 

So I say to myself, for her to feel my love, I need to listen and then react.  Now a new problem arises, I don't hear....  I don't mean I am actually deaf but I don't hear her saying much about what she wants in order to feel love.  Yet on occasion she has said "I have told you that so often that I've given up". 

So what to do?  How to listen?  How to speak?  How to act?


  1. Have you ever read the book The Five Love Languages? How each person expresses their love, and how each person understands that they are loved... Those are very different things. It might be a good starting point for you.

  2. I think you can show her your love by your actions. Of course you can ask her how you can please her.
    Success, my friend.


  3. I agree with Mrs. Fever, that the Five Love Languages is a great framework for relationships. Basic premise is that you have to demonstrate your love for your partner in a way that they accept and understand best. For me, mine is "physical touch". Sure, sex is part of it, but even her reaching out to hold my hand in church sends me through the rafters. I like the idea of being sought after for physical affection. She isn't as physical as me, but I thinks she accepts how I am. Listening is a big deal to her (I think it's "quality time"). It's not my nature, I am very bottom line oriented and to this day, I really have a hard time with her long stories when I first need to know "is everyone ok"?

    Bottom line, we are all wired differently and I don't think anyone can change who you are in adulthood. But you can adapt to others' needs.

    If she has told you "so often" then try to think of a time when things went well, and reverse-engineer what was different and try to figure her out again.

    And, just because you've told her something doesn't mean she's necessarily obligated to act on it. It has to be "her". This was my big mistake with submission. Even today, I will tell my wife a sexual fantasy and NOTHING. I will tell her how hot something she initiated was, and how I'd like her to do the thing she initiated again - NOTHING. I don't have all the answers, and I still haven't figured women out.

    I bet if you find that thing that will make her feel loved, and DO IT, things will go in a positive direction. Good luck!

  4. Thanks for the responses. A good reminder and I pick up quite a number of points.

    Appy and Mrs Fever, Yes I have read the 5 love languages. A really great book. Mine are "physical touch" and "Quality Time"

    lovetosubmit, I get the same great big NOTHING as well. I guess that is one of the contradictions I face in my mind. Here I am trying desperately to speak her love language (Words of encouragement and service to others) hence I try to listen and I try to act in a way that speaks her love language and yet she does not seem to reciprocate.

    1. This may or may not apply to your situation, but I read that book first with the man I married, and a few things clicked during our reading together that made me go "...oh" about our respective previous relationships. The following example pops to mind:

      Acts of Service (receiving) is probably third on my Love Language list. For my ex, it was first. He would do things "for me" (things I didn't need help with or considered just an ordinary part of chore sharing) and would sulk about not being recognized for his efforts, while meanwhile the things I *asked* him to do - REPEATEDLY - went unattended to. He didn't feel loved in that scenario and neither did I. He thought I wasn't noticing; I felt he wasn't listening.

      Essentially we were speaking the same broad-scope language but having major miscommunications over dialect and interpretation. Call it an "accent" or even a pidgin, but ultimately speaking the "same" language was confusing, to say the least. What we *believe* we are saying is often not necessarily what is being heard. After all, "All right" said in a Southern boy drawl sounds an awful lot like "Ole rot" to a Yankee ear.

      If that makes sense. :)

      Food for thought.

    2. Sounds very logical Mrs Fever. My love language is physical touch yet not all touches are equal. Holding hands is quite a way from a spanking. I like both but I can imagine someone not getting particularly excited about one of them. It may be necessary to try and get my wife to talk more about the specifics of her love language and then for me to try harder to speak that dialect.