Monday, March 25, 2013

6th week of abstinance

Last night she was working working late past 11pm and I was lying in bed and trying not to get grumpy but it was Sunday night and there was a degree of expectation on my part for some attention.  But I did not want to pester.  I know begging is a part of BDSM kinky stuff but really she is not there and just begging directly for her attention is to me demeaning.  I am not a late night person so this has the double whammy of then being tired the next day.

Anyway around 11:30pm I heard her shut down her computer and walk into the kitchen.  She came into our room and said take off your shirt and lie on your tummy.  She then started to trace out something wet on my back.  She asked me what she had drawn but I could not work it out.    Then she licked it off.  Ahh that was nice.

Then she said roll over.  So I was lying there on my back and she drew it again.  This time I could see my initials a heart and her initials in chocolate body paint.

Then she said roll over on your tummy.  Then she got on top and ground against me and we moved up and down.  I enjoyed feeling her naked breasts pressed down on my bare back.  I enjoyed the feeling that in a way she was 'just using me for sex'  I was careful not to get too close to the edge.  She came and relaxed on top of me.  It was good.  I smiled.  She rolled off and lay beside me.

I asked if she wanted to sleep or talk.
She said right now she was wide awake but that it was going to be a busy week and there may not be a chance to go.  So we talked (some more detail below) and then she said she was going to sleep and off she went.


Thoughts and a bit more detail....

Well a week to go.  I have abstained from orgasm since the start of lent 5 weeks ago.

On the physical side today my balls are aching. There have been one or two times during the last 5 weeks where they ached for a while.  A couple of hours and then the feeling has past.  I guess it is to be expected that my body has to react to the physical pressure that presumably has built up.

On the mental side - I seemed to have gotten over the feeling of gee I must do sex or loose it. 

On the relationship side, I think we have gotten closer together.  Last night she asked my opinion about doing some kind of gym instructors course.  I was al ready to say it is your decision.  She was quite clear she wanted my opinion.  So I said that I felt she was too busy and that it was a weekend day during the school holidays and that I felt that time should be available for our kids.  She then said upon reflection she will not do the course on that weekend.  We then had a discussion about leadership, HOH and so on.  She said she appreciated that I did not just give her a lecture and she said she liked to work together on making decisions.  This has been a common theme of hers for many years.  I said yes but note that in the end you (her) made the decision.

On the sex side - She has had more orgasms in the last couple of weeks than I think she had in the last year.  She has taken to having me lie down and getting on top and rubbing herself against me.  She has also on one possibly two occasions recently had me put on a couple of condoms (to reduce the chance of stimulation and orgasm for me) and then had me inside her.  She knows I like that.  But the new thing not driven by anything I have suggested is the grinding against me until she orgasms.  I think that by there being no chance for me to orgasm that this has created space for her to enjoy herself.

Another highlight (if you  like) was her saying that she now understood that men don't need release.

The next week leading up to easter is going to be very very  busy. 

She knows and I do too that I tend to get grumpy if I don't get acknowledgement and attention.  Even a painful whipping is to me a communication of love.  My love languages are physical touch and quality time. 

We also know that going cold turkey on the orgasm thing has opened up some space in the relationship.  It has taken some encouragement from her and some drive from me but we both believe the relationship is calmer and more fulfilling.

So with 1 week to go and that week being super super busy for her we are going to try a new thing.  No physical sexual touching when she comes to bed.

The idea is for her to be able to come to bed late and just fall asleep.  For me the challenge is to not lie in bed hoping for something and getting grumpy because she is otherwise engaged.

We have talked that after the next orgasm that it is not that we will necessarily set another period of abstinence but that we should be able to progress sex to the point where I orgasm from time to time at her choosing.

So that combined with the exercise of no sexual touching for the next week is supposed to open more space.  She said that it will mean that we must be more intentional about having plenty of quick hugs and kisses and smiles for each other.

That way hopefully we will move into a relationship where I don't get frustrated and she feels free to enjoy or to be busy and not be thinking she has to perform.  So there could be a wider set of experiences from no physical touching at all through physical touching through orgasm for her and finally orgasm for me.  Hopefully some tease and denial and some kinky stuff for me along the way.

I am both apprehensive and excited.  Because I really hate getting grumpy.  I hate lying in bed at night feeling frustrated and angry.

I do enjoy it when she gives me attention freely and when she is enjoying it. 

So lets see how we go.

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