Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Communication clearing the air

In politics someone wisely said "It's the economy stupid" and in our personal lives I think the catch cry is "Communication".

Last night my wife asked "how am I going" implying how is my abstinence going.
I said "OK" and she said that she thought I had been a bit moody.  I agreed with her.  Not reported I realised in this blog were a couple of moments over the last 2 days when I had grumped at her.

So we discussed a bit about how I was moody.
I said I should be punished.  I would have preferred to be whipped but she decided to pinch my breasts and she did this very hard and it hurt so it was both a pleasure and a pain.  Funny how my head space determines the interpretation.

On Sunday night she had asked me if she could go out Monday evening to a community group that she had not been to for a while (over 6 months).   About a week earlier I guess I had had a discussion with her about how I was feeling neglected and that part of that was because I felt she was way too busy.  I had said that I would like her not to go.  OK the kink purists will say topping from the bottom and so on.  But that is what I said.  The reason included that I had a school meeting to attend and yes I obtained her permission to go and I wanted someone to actually stay home with the kids.  Not that they need us as they are OK on their own but just to actually spend time with them.  So at the meeting I receive a text from her telling me she is at the community group and will pick up one of the kids from a club they are in on the way home.  Grr was my reaction.

I arrive home and she is not there and it is after the time the club would have finished so I phone her.  I am I confess a bit angry and disappointed.  She is there and just about to leave.  She asks a question and I respond "Because I did not trust you to be there anywhere near on time"

Fast forward to in bed and I try hard to suppress my anger.

The discussion I mention above helps me to relax and suck it in.

I am though conflicted by the fact that she just can not resist going out.  It's her thing.  In my view She gets energy from it.  Any opportunity and its out.  I guess maybe similar to when I get home I initially feel very very tired.  I get home and I need to just sleep.  Some kind of psychosomatic thing.

So as I lie in bed I wonder what I should do.  In the spirit of communication I say to her that I find it hard to process her asking my permission and I find it especially hard if she asks my permission and then having received my answer she does what she wants anyway.  I say to her that with me taking a submissive position and wanting to maintain a submissive mindset, that it would be a lot easier if she did not ask my permission but rather simply tell me what she is doing.  Like I want to know out of politeness and concern but it is easier to process if she simply tells me. 

I am not sure how well this went down.


OK that's the end of the "report" now onto some philosophical musings.

The first thing has to do with submission.  I do not see that submission should be equated with disrespect.  To me asking permission and then disregarding the answer is disrespect.  I think belittling someone is disrespectful.  My wife and I are good friends with a family where in certain circumstances, the wife will belittle her husband.  We all know driving prowess is guy thing and yet in certain circumstances (narrow twisty steep mountain roads for example) she will insist on driving and no only that she will be quite open that she does not trust his driving in those circumstances.  My observations are that he is a perfectly competent driver and so she is forcing him to be submissive in a negative disrespectful manner. 

In a similar vein, I read various posts on other blogs where there is a sort of humiliation through feminisation theme.  Now I think this can be taken two ways.  At face value, due to societal norms it is humiliating to a degree for a guy to we womens clothing.  On the other hand if we are saying wear womens clothing because women are weak and I want you to be weak then I think that is wrong. 

My suspicion is that one day it may become acceptable for men to wear what is now traditionally womens clothingn but I doubt if that will come about as a result of the rather negative idea of women being weak.  I suspect it will come about through a desire by men to place greater emphsis on their looks and for a general relaxing by society about sexual norms and image.  We can have a long discussion over this sometime.

The next topic of musing has to do with female power.  I think women/wives have a problem with the term "dominance" or "dominant".  Yet for exmple, consider a mother and child relationship.  The mother is very much the "dominant" partner.  They may engage the child in a discussion but ultimately the decision is the mothers.  Yet for some reason they do not like the term used overtly.  Then we get to the husband and wife relationship.  My wife and many others are very controlling and yet do not want to be labelled as "dominant".  Yet for me and I suspect many others if they were to embrace that then their congtrolling behaviours would be far more enjoyable and acceptable to me & other husbands. 

We joke about it.  You know when the guys are discussing getting together, most of them will say yes but I have to check with the wife or words to that effect.  At the same time I do not know whether the girls approach things the same way but it seems to me that in general, the husbands just go along with whatever social engagements the wives organise.

My wife has said that she "does not want another child".  What I do not know how to do is to get her to overtly embrace the dominance thing and not consider me to be another child.  I liken it to a military example.  The officer tells the soldier to do something.  The soldier carries out the order with diligence and competence.  It is not like a child where the activity requires contual supervision. 

I think in a married wife lead marriage situation there is an additional aspect and that is able to be present and that is confession and punishment.

 As mentioned above, kids need supervison and reminding.  In the military there are times when soldiers are caught out but within a marrage there should be the trust and intimacy that allows one partner to confess their shortcommings.

I think in a way the marriage thing is a bit like being a part of a sporting team where you are supposed to do some exercise on your own to suppliment the team training.  If you do not do it, you are letting yourself down.  In a good team, you will be honest and confess your slackness to the coach & team members and the coach will make you and sometimes the whole team do extra training to compensate.  That helps you to get motivated and do the work on your own.

So to me the WLM can be such that the wife gives the orders.  Sometimes she asks advice but in the end the big ticket decisions are hers.  The husband implements competently.  he does not need moment by moment supervsion.  When he is slack, he is man enough to admit it and she I guess takes on the role of the coach/metor - the disciplinarian.  Be being tough everyone wins.

I am reminded recently of my son's involvement in a sporting team.  The wet weather ment that they could not do their normal drills so they concentrated on fitness and strength exercises.  He was absolutely exhausted.  His legs were so weak he almost collapsed when walking down the stairs.  He was so proud of the effort he and the team had put in.  The work, the toughness, It all combined to make him feel good.

I think if a wife can be a strong leader (but not a bitch) then everyone wins.

Then the only thing in all of this is where does the sex bit fit in?
Because of course all of the above can happen in a non sexual way.


  1. Again an interesting and honest post. Makes mevthink too.

    Thank you.


  2. Thanks Appy,
    Seems like you and your wife are a bit similar to me and mine.