Saturday, November 20, 2010

4:30am Saturday

Well its four thirty in the morning and I can't sleep.

I am way turned on. Hard as a rock. Wide awake. The danger here is that at the very least I would toss and turn and eventually wake up my wife. I would be frustrated with myself for doing that. I want sex and I would be frustrated that she didn't and that would lead me to getting angry.

I do need to confess that earlier in our marriage and in fact right now, if I were to wake her up and ask / demand sex, that she would let me. Many times I had done that and she would sleepily comply. The first time, much earlier in my marriage, it was a turn on. We were young and trying to live out a christian man is the head of the house woman must look after him and make sacrifices thing. In a way, at that time, we both enjoyed it. Even though she did not reach orgasm she did sort of feel well she has done her wifely duty. Anyway, it became more of a habit that she resented (I think) and felt was pretty much masturbation and self indulgence on my part. (end of confession)

OK so here I am at 4:45am.

Well OK what to write.

Last night she went out to help at the church there were several things on. Choir practice, youth group. I stayed home and looked after the younger kids. The older one went to youthgroup.

I decided to wash and dry the pyjamas I had bought her. Then I folded them and put both pairs on the bed. So they are ready to wear.

I did the usual things of washing up and cleaning the kitchen. I played some board games with the kids. Normally I am not really into board games but in my new head space it was not nearly the chore it used to be. I wanted to avoid the TV being turned on. Eventually put the kids into bed. Then felt somewhat directionless. Resisted the temptation to turn on the TV. Knowing full well that once it is on, I will achieve nothing. Got a damp cloth and started wiping walls and this progressed to wiping the tops of the door frames. How %&^# is that. :)

Eventually I decided to leave the kids (she is OK with that) and drive down the church and help with the clean up after youth group. It actually was good fun. Only the leaders were there and I know all of them and so it was a good adult chat / catch up.

We arrived home within a few minutes of each other.

I was quite apprehensive so I actually took the PJs and put them aside. She came in and out of the bed room a few times getting ready for bed. Going and doing teeth and so on. I waited patiently until she seemed to be about to put her nightie on and I said to her that I had brought her a present.

I did a little speech where I said that I realised that she wore dresses and her nightie because she knew that I liked it and I honestly said that I still like them but that as she knew, I wanted her to take the lead in the bed room and so as a symbol of how things had changed at least in my mind I said I had bought her pyjamas with pants. I handed her the two pairs.

She was stunned. She said things like "are you sure". "You hate women in pants". To which I tried to reassure her that I am trying to change inside how I feel and that that I wanted to get something to symbolise that change of attitude. She said "I'm not sure I should even try them on". I said "Please, this is my gift to you" Not just pyjamas but the gift of freedom. I don't want you to feel oppressed by me" I said "I am sorry for the times I have embarrassed you by you having to wear short skirts and nighties" "Please feel free to wear pants from now on without having to worry about what I think."

She then tried each pair on. They were both cotton. She then said "are you sure". I said "yes".

She then left the shorter pair on and I do confess I think she looks cute in them.

I then offered her a massage. Which she surprisingly accepted.

She started by saying "You know I will just fall asleep if you do that" and I responded by saying "It will be an honour if you do"

She then made an interesting comment that went something along the lines of enjoying my offers to massage her the last few days. It is interesting because one of my frustrations is that I have been offering to massage her for months if not years and she never would take me up on the offers and yet you would go and have paid massages. I don't think she enjoyed our physical contact and so mentally blocked out the offers. From my perspective she has changed and is allowing and enjoying the physical contact.

While I was massaging her I looked at her new pant covered bottom and it was still as sexy as ever.

She asked how I was going. I so need that. I said I wanted sex. Like any guy that's all I could think of. She said I think we should do it now so you don't wake me up in the morning. I said please don't do that to me. You know you don't want it now. Just tell me not to disturb you in the morning and I won't. She said OK well let me sleep till 7am. We have no need to get up early, lets just sleep in. So here I am its now 20 past 5. Almost an hour typing away here (and reading a couple of other blogs). She is getting her wish and in a way so am I.

Its scary though knowing I am giving up control because I know I will never get it back again.

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