We had the genesis of discussion about responsibility of behaviour last night.
Firstly, In no way do I wish to abdicate responsibility for my behaviour.
I do wish to change my behaviour and for that I need your help.
I also believe as I have done for a long time in the value of physical punishment.
So that to me is a tool and a very effective tool in helping me change.
I appreciate that you whip me because I ask you to and I do so when I feel I have done wrong or slipped up.
You mentioned teachers, parents, law enforcement and that you did not wish to be my parent or law enforcer.
I do need you to take on that sort of role.
I need you to be the leader.
I tried and failed to be the leader in our family.
You have stated that you do not wish to be the leader but at the same time you have prevented me from being the leader by simply implementing any decisions that you wanted even if they were clearly not what I had wanted. You also ensured that your social life and life in general was clearly outside and away from the family - Church, school, friends all come well and truly before family and that resulted in loneliness and jealousy for me and frustration for me and the kids. We lived our lives around you so now I am saying step up to the plate and be the leader.
Now this means a real head space change for me. I am trying very hard to move into that head space.
I will attempt to support you and your decisions cheerfully and to the best of my ability and that is where I need you to lead with direction and to punish me when fall short.
It does not mean that I will bother you with trivial decisions. I am an adult, I can think for myself and I fully intend to do so. In fact I wish to get to the point where almost all the time, I am thinking what would she like and implement that without you even asking.
But I am not there yet.
I would really like it if you would, in the privacy of our bed room, tell me when my behaviour was not up to scratch. I would like you to punish me. I would also like you to reward me when I am good. I would also like you to tell me what you want and encourage me when I try but do not get it exactly right.